Miss Information

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Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,
I have a cool and supportive boyfriend, though our one-and-a-half-year relationship is far from perfect — we have completely different plans for the future and this often leads to fighting.

There’s another guy I’ve known for eight years, ostensibly as a friend. We’ve continuously had amazing chemistry but horrendous timing. We have a long history of never being single at the same time, of reaching out to the other person right when they are starting a new relationship. Since day one I have thought of him as my soulmate.

Is it wrong to dump my current boyfriend just because I may want to try something with Soulmate? Soulmate got a new girlfriend recently and I’m panicking that I will lose him forever. I fear that I’ll regret it all my life if I don’t do something now, but I don’t want to ruin his happiness or put him in an awkward position. Should I break up with my current boyfriend first? Is it possible to truly love two people at the same time, or am I just fooling myself? Paralyzed by Indecision


Dear Paralyzed by Indecision,
It’s absolutely possible to love two people at the same time. It’s making that work within the confines of a monogamous relationship that’s the bitch. Let’s take a look at the known variables:

1) Your relationship is headed south. Disparate visions of the future is a big issue. It’s not who stepped over the cat puke without cleaning it up.
2) You are willing to sacrifice your current relationship in order to be with another person. Is this really the way you want to feel about a person you’re grooming to be a long-term partner?
3) You have an idea of the perfect person for you and your boyfriend is not it. Even though "perfect" is bunk (Poppycock! Applesauce!), you should be with someone that’s pretty damn close, regardless of this Soulmate fellow.

Okay, now the unknown:
1) Soulmate may or may not have feelings for you.
2) Soulmate may or may not be willing to leave his new old lady.
3) If you should you pull your big romantic gesture, what will happen if your boyfriend finds out?
So here are your options:
A) Do nothing. Odds of sucking: 100%.
B) Take action. Odds of something good happening: 50%; odds of something awful happening: the same.

Spill it to Soulmate if you’re willing to play the odds and risk losing his friendship. Do it however it works for you, but first end it with your boyfriend. He’ll be deeply hurt if he finds out he was your second choice.
Not to throw in another variable, but I wonder whether these scraps with your boyfriend are fueling the Soulmate stuff. Are you being realistic about what could happen, or are you over-romanticizing a little?

Dear Miss Information,
My girlfriend and I fucked so much yesterday my dick hurts. Mainly the shaft but also the head. Advice?
Inner Outer

Dear Inner Outer,
Sexually frustrated readers, say it all together now: "POOR FUCKING YOU." Just kidding, Inner Outer. We feel your pain. Well, those of us with dicks, anyway. The rest of us are busy icing down our vaginas after all that fornicating. A sore cock can have a number of causes: insufficient lubrication (either natural or artificially provided), overly aggressive sex or sex in a new position, razor stubble (yours or hers), or an ill-fitting or allergenic condom. What you need to do now is abstain from sex for a little while a week should probably do it. No masturbation either during this time (I’m a mean, horrible lady, I know). Wash your penis with a mild soap and doctor up any small cuts or abrasions with a zinc-oxide ointment or a hydrocortisone cream. If you’re sensitive to lotions and products, you might want to test a small area first before dumping out the entire tube on your johnson.

This sounds like a one-time deal, but if your dick gets the ouchies often you may want to get yourself tested. Your fellow fuck monkey too. A sore penis can be the sign of some STDs. Then again, it could be any one of the forty-seven possible causes of penis pain outlined here. Penis paranoiacs and hypochondriacs, worry away!

Dear Miss Information,
At the age of eighteen, I’m confident in my status as lesbian. I’ve been accepted to a women’s college and am looking forward to some girl-on-girl action this fall. But a part of me remains hetero-curious. A few months ago, I messed around with a guy friend of mine who lives in another town. I’d like to get together and have sex the next time I see him. While I’d be up front about his role as a fuck buddy and practice safe sex, I don’t want to tell him about my true orientation. Am I taking advantage of him in this circumstance? Am I compromising my sexuality? Is this a good idea? — One Night on the Other Side

Dear One Night,

In the coming year you’re going to have lots of revelations about your sexuality, none of which are necessarily a fuck buddy’s business. Sure, if this is someone you’re going to be with for the rest of your life, you might want to tell them about your gay past, but it’s not. It’s a boy you screwed around with who lives two towns over.
You’re fulfilling your end of the bargain by telling the guy your emotional expectations (i.e., that you have none) and protecting him from the pregnancy menace and sexually transmitted disease. Telling him you’re a lesbian wouldn’t be the worst idea, but I wouldn’t be too shocked if he starts getting all up in your grill asking for threesomes, making dorky jokes about converting you or just being generally annoying.

I don’t think this is compromising your sexuality, unless you judge sexuality by uniformity of experience. If so, then the trophy goes to Clarissa and Henry of West Peabody, Massachusetts, a WASP couple who fuck in the missionary position for precisely seven minutes every Tuesday night. If you’re really unsure, you might want to put it off for a while. Maybe see how you feel after your first semester. The first semester of college is a crazy time, and your lesbo playground might give you a different perspective. Despite their reputation, most sister schools won’t kick you out if you experience a little dick after you enroll.  

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