Miss Information: Am I really as bad at going down as my ex said I was?

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Miss Information

Dear Miss Information,

My girlfriend dumped me, ending an eight-month-long relationship. She said a lot of horrible things about me. I guess that’s standard, but I can’t get over the fact that she said I was sub-par at cunnilingus, which I’ve always considered my best skill. It’s not like I have much else: I’m not charming, I’m a little overweight, and I don’t make much money. It’s been two months and I still don’t even want to talk to other girls. I keep visualizing them humoring me while we’re in the moment and making fun of me afterwards. What should I do? I’ve been thinking about emailing my ex and asking her for more specifics. — Cunning No More

Dear Cunning No More,

How about you email your ex and tell her to fuck off? I don’t usually recommend measures that juvenile, but in this case I’m serious. What’s the point of ripping someone apart after the fact, especially when you’re the one who initiated the break-up? If you weren’t able to properly communicate that your needs weren’t being met during the relationship, then you don’t get the privilege once you’ve ended it and your partner is a wreck. Talk about taking advantage of the vulnerable. It’s like beating up a kitten or leaving an unattended bottle of vanilla extract around Lindsay Lohan.

Of course your ex-girlfriend is going to say you’re lousy at oral. She wants to hurt you, and after the better part of a year together, she’s figured out the best way to do it. Even if she’s telling the truth, it only means that she thinks you’re bad at giving oral. No one else. It also means that, during your entire time together, she couldn’t summon the ovaries to give you a few pointers. She suffered in silence like a repressed teenager instead of being an adult and opening her mouth. Who’s the loser now?

Sexual preferences vary, and that includes oral. Compared to fellatio, cunnilingus is especially difficult to figure out. I won’t be one of those people who say, “There’s no way to give a bad blowjob!” but I do think sucking cock is a little more straightforward. There’s more area to work with, a more familiar muscle movement (unless you happen to hate things like ice cream cones, bananas, and popsicles) and you get much clearer visual feedback.

If I were you, I’d work on the old self-esteem before anything else. You put a lot of your self-worth into one small aspect of your sexuality. Don’t get me wrong, being a skilled pussy-eater is no small achievement, but you’ve undoubtedly got something else to offer. The future Mrs. Cunning can’t exactly brag about your oral when she meets your mother. Travel, form a band, geek out on some niche interest. The ladies aren’t going anywhere, kid. Spend some time figuring out what you’re all about.

Dear Miss Information,

I’ve just about to finish my undergraduate degree and am gearing up for grad school. My boyfriend, whom I’ve dated throughout college and could see myself marrying, has promised to follow me wherever I decide to go. I want to move out of Rhode Island and live in a big city for a few years, but he’s reluctant. He’s a few years older than me and starting to make connections and grow roots in our college town, whereas I am still relatively unattached. I’m also antsy because we both grew up here as well. The thing is, I don’t even have to send out applications until October. Should we confront this problem now or should I ignore it? I don’t know what to do. — Itchy Feet, Sore Heart

Dear Itchy Feet, Sore Heart,

Your relationship is at a genuinely awkward stage. You’re not too young to consider a lifetime commitment and you’ve been together several years. But you’re also dealing with the instability of your first year after college. Saying you’ll compromise is easy. Actually doing it is harder. It involves balancing your own wants and needs with the wants and needs of your significant other. Your specific situation is complicated by the new roles you have to play in the post-collegiate world. You have to be a financial planner. What kind of apartment can you afford together? Who’s paying which bills? You also have to be a fortuneteller. You have to try to predict if the hassle will be worth it.

You have a few choices. First, move to the grad school of your choice and have him come with you. Second, you go out there alone and he joins you later. Third, give up the idea of getting your Master’s in another city and go somewhere local. Before choosing any of these paths though, you have to make yourself a list of non-negotiables. Maybe you’re willing to spend a fortune on visits back and forth as long as it means getting the fuck out of Providence. Maybe you don’t care where you go to school as long as you get to go. Decide what you definitively need and go from there.

Once you do, immediately share what’s on your mind. Don’t be one of those people who waits until it’s too late to change course or lets her partner find out by default. A sample opener might be, “Hey, I noticed you don’t seem thrilled about the idea of coming with me when I go away to grad school. I want us to both be happy and I’m sure we can find a way, even though it might be rough. Tell me what you think. Here are a few options I’ve been thinking about…” Try to have The Talk somewhere neutral, when you’re both high energy. Don’t be a dumbass like me and try to get your guy (who just came home from a ten-hour day) into a brainstorming session about the bathroom’s paint color. (Sorry, hon.) Go for a drive, sit at a diner and eat some pie, or go for walk outdoors. You’ll probably need to have this talk a bunch of times before you get to anything resembling a resolution. Might as well get started now.

How do you plan for the future with your man and lady friends, reader? Do you go the direct route or subtly try to get them to reveal their feelings? Tell me about your approach in the comments.

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