Advice

Miss Information: Help! My girlfriend says my Old Faithful’s too forceful.

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miss-information

Dear Miss Information,

My girlfriend confessed the other day that she’s put off by the, um, "volume" of my ejaculate. I never thought it was a big deal. Then again, I watch mostly lesbian porn (no money shots) and haven’t been with a lot of girls (which I assume would help weigh and balance this feedback). I told her she doesn’t have to swallow if she doesn’t want to, and I’ve tried masturbating more often. It helps a little, but not a lot. Is there anything I can do about this? It’s making me self-conscious. — Noah’s Ark

Dear Noah’s Ark,

If the equipment is looking good and feeling good, chances are everything’s normal. The average male ejaculation ranges from 0.5-2 teaspoons, a factoid I thought of each time I added another ingredient to my sweet potato casserole. Next year I’ll do my holiday cooking first, then research my column. The amount generally decreases with age and frequency of masturbation. You’ve already tried the latter, to no effect, and there’s not much you can do about the former, short of building a time machine. Plus, who wants to get older?

This probably won’t make you feel any better, but for many guys a copious wad isn’t an embarrassment, but rather a goal. For what Mother Nature gave you free of charge, millions are pursuing through shady pills and dietary supplements. Of course we all know they’re being stupid. There is no magical porn-star pill. The amount of your output is determined by factors like heredity, fitness level, and overall health. None of these can be changed in the short term.

You may be able to change the taste somewhat by easing up on dairy and meat products and cutting out smokes and alcohol. Some people claim pineapple juice and citrus fruits are good flavor enhancers, but others say their partners don’t notice. Perhaps if you were successful in changing the taste of your semen, your girlfriend wouldn’t mind there being a lot of it?

All this "Don’t Worry, Be Jizzy" talk aside, you’ll still want to get yourself checked out by a doctor to rule out any urinary or prostate problems. In the meantime, buy several soft, high-quality towels to keep in the nightstand and considered the most obvious, no-muss no-fuss solution of them all: condoms.

Dear Miss Information,

I’ve been together officially a month-and-a-half with a guy who cheated on his girlfriend once — with me, shortly before they broke up. He’s remorseful and guilty over it and he says he wants to prove to me he is not a bad person. I’m not sure if I trust him. I’m trying, but I’m paranoid every time he goes out with some of his more attractive friends. Can I trust a cheater? — One-Time Mistress

Dear One-Time Mistress,

So many questions with this one. It’s like Jeopardy! meets Maury. Let’s take a look at the board:

HIS-STORY

• He cheated on this girlfriend once, but has he cheated on other women before?
• When you got together, was it a spontaneous one-off or a calculated flirtation leading towards the inevitable throwdown?
• Have the majority of his relationships ended peacefully or was there drama?
• What’s the longest he’s been in a relationship? Weeks? Months? Years? Why did they end?

CURRENT EVENTS

• Does he treat you like a girlfriend, i.e. talk to you and see you regularly, and check in regarding your mutual whereabouts?
• Have you met his friends?
• Has he met yours? Is it widespread knowledge especially among those "attractive friends" of his that you’re a couple?
• Is he doing anything shady? Cancelling dates? Acting distant? Leaving his phone off?

POTPOURRI O’PARANOIA

• What do those close to the situation think?
• What do you think?
• What’s your gut telling you?

Cheating, like sexuality, exists on a wide spectrum. On one end you’ve got the chronic cases, people who will always go outside the relationship, no matter what. On the other, you’ve got people who made a one-time mistake and acted out of character. Going by the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is like sentencing everyone from petty criminals to serial killers to life without parole.

Should you be wary? Yeah. Should you have satisfactory answers for the questions above? Yes, although being together for just over a month means it’s a little early to have them all. In the meantime keep your defenses up, listen to your instincts, and be good about using condoms and birth control.

Readers, did any of you start a relationship in an unsavory way that led to a long and happy union? Did any of you experience the opposite?

Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.