Miss Information

How can I get over my jealousy about my boyfriend's friendships with other women?

By Cait Robinson

Have a question? Email missinfo@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years now, and we have a son together. The thing is, I can't seem to get over my jealousy issues. He has a lot of girls as friends, and it irritates me when he touches them (meaning a hug or a hand on their shoulder). I've tried to let it go, but I hate it.

He's accused me of being self-absorbed, but I'm not. I have no self-confidence, and I try to think good thoughts about myself, but I can't. I hate my body. When he's with other girls, all I can think is, "Why is he with me?" We talked one time and he told me that my jealousy issue is pushing him away. I've been trying to get over this, but I just can't seem to. I love him to death and I don't want to lose him. The more I keep trying to get ahold of my problems, the more it seems I can't.

Miss Confused

Dear Miss Confused,

I like the overuse of "miss"; it makes this correspondence feel hyper-formal. Miss Confused, will you be at the barn raising later? I hear that John Smith has his eye on you. Bring your finest bonnet. Fondly, Miss Information.

You rightly identified that this is a confidence issue in you, and I give you a lot of credit for recognizing that. I know, I know, "confidence" is a nebulous and elusive beast — and, like you said, the harder you grasp at it, the harder it is to obtain. I'm curious about your boyfriend's role in this, though. Based on your letter, I suspect he may not be as empathetic with you as he could be. You could probably use reassurance ("I love you; you're the mother of my son") rather than criticism ("your jealousy bugs me"). Tell him how to support you, and you may find that the relationship gets stronger.

To improve your confidence, start by prioritizing yourself. Your comment that you hate your body is a good place to start. Many women turn general discontent inward and take it out on their bodies (i.e. "if only I were prettier, if only I were a size 2…"). It's bullshit, but it happens. Taking control of your health and reconnecting with your body could help reverse that. Carve out time to go to a yoga class, jog, lift weights — whatever you enjoy. That will have the double effect of boosting your mood and giving you time to yourself.

Make time to see friends and family and cultivate relationships with people other than your boyfriend. Even befriending other young mothers would be a great idea: sign up for a "mommy and me" class, chat with moms with strollers at the park, or find a mothers group at your church or community center. You may find that your insecurities are more common than you think. Having strong female relationships is key — the antidote to jealousy of other girls may, paradoxically, lie in befriending other girls.

Find other sources of validation in your life and you'll see your confidence grow. And, of course, keep an eye on your relationship as a whole. If your boyfriend is not supportive of your desire to change, then you may want to reconsider your dynamic.


Dear Miss Information,

I met this guy on a vacation about six months ago. We live in different cities, a six-hour drive apart. He came to visit me twice in two months and I visited twice also. We have sex each time we meet. But he says we are not a couple. It bothers me, because we have sex, then he goes back to his city, and I'm not sure what he does there.

I'm getting attached, and it scares me. But I know he cares: he bought me a birthday present, which is boyfriend behavior. But he still won't give me what I want. I don't want him to engage in any sexual behavior with anyone else. What should I do?

Long Distanced

Dear Long Distanced,

If you want him to stay exclusive, talk to him. And if he says no, then stop sleeping with him. It seems like sex is the flash point here, and if you're not comfortable with non-monogamy, don't put yourself in a position where you need to put up with it.


Dear Miss Information,

I am a twenty-six-year-old woman. I really love giving oral sex, which wasn't a problem when I had a boyfriend.

I've been single for two years now and it's a pleasure that I was really missing. So about five months ago, I started approaching students at a university, about twelve miles from where I live, in my car. I pretend to ask for directions and then I offer them oral sex. I've had a few refuse, but most get in my car with me and I drive to a secluded spot where I then perform oral sex on them and swallow. I only approach them if they're alone, and afterwards I drop them back where I picked them up. I usually do this once or twice a week.

My closest friend, who found out I was doing this a couple of weeks ago, thinks I should find a sex buddy, but I've come to like the variety. I did get myself checked for STDs about a month and a half ago, and the results were okay. But is there a safer way to enjoy this without committing to just one guy?

Orally Fixated

Dear Orally Fixated,

I sense a distinct residue of Penthouse Forum on this letter, mostly in how fast it went from zero to "trenchcoat." What kind of car do you drive? A Ford E-Series? But sure, Fixated, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Because there is a chance that you are, indeed, a girl who loves giving head, rather than a college boy with an eternal spring of hope.

Let me just say that tricking partners into sex is uncool, not to mention risky. No matter which side you're on, "Hey, pretty-pretty, get in my van" is an unacceptable opening line. If you just love giving blowjobs, there are a million healthier outlets than cruising campuses. You should find no shortage of willing (and non-tricked!) partners.

The assumption that it's either "long-term relationship" or "anonymous sex under false pretenses" is reductive. There's a whole spectrum of other options. Your friend who suggested that you find a friend-with-benefits is on the right track. It's safer because you know and can talk to the person, yet strings-free enough that you could maintain a couple of those situations if you want. You can also do this the old-fashioned way: go to a bar, chat up a cute stranger, exchange numbers. In short, vet him. You're certainly not confined to monogamy, but you need to know who you're dealing with.

The biggest problem here is the hyper-anonymous, unprotected sex. (Plus the trickery. We've discussed the trickery, right?) You can still hook up with tons of guys, but if you know who they are, you can stay in touch if something goes wrong. If you're going to have anonymous sex, you need to use protection. If you insist on not using protection, you need to be more careful about your partners. 


Commentarium (93 Comments)

Jun 20 11 - 12:30am
Buck Nasty

Miss Confused: You are exactly what all guys are not looking for. Get in touch with your family and figure out where the shit went wrong.

Long Distance: You don't like being a remote piece-of-ass. Its the best thing. No work, no commitment, a little travel, good fucking. What's the problem? Oh, you want a relationship. Stop the fucking and find someone else.

Oral: I pity the guy/girl that unknowingly kisses you. Do you know the stats on statistics on herpes? That shit is fair invisible and the number of knobs you're polishing that are infected is at least 25%.

Jun 20 11 - 12:31am

Wait, I fail to see the "trickery." It sounds like her shtick is basically "Hey, do you know where the library is? Okay, thanks. By the way, want a blowjob?" I guess you could technically call it a trick because she doesn't really need the directions, but people have been drumming up opening lines ever since they consisted of "Nice mammoth tooth necklace. Wanna go back to my cave?"

Jun 21 11 - 11:49pm

True, though when someone says, "Nice shoes--", you know to expect the, "--wanna fuck?" Less so with "I'm lost." If those were the rules, my morning commute would be a very different animal.

I really love the "mammoth tooth necklace" point, too.

Jun 20 11 - 1:18am

Long Distance: Don't put yourself through it. LDR's are ultra shitty. It doesn't matter how much you like this guy, he's able to make a minimal investment and get the maximum amount of sex. A 6 hour drive might me something to you, but dudes consider that a worthy price to pay for piece of ass.
Even more likely though, he's a nice guy who doesn't want to have that distance as part of his relationship. He really does like you (and loves the sex) but since you two aren't completely and totally in love it's not worth it. Trust me when I say that STARTING a relationship in long distance has astronomically low chances of success.

And to Oral: You aren't tricking anyone. You ask them if they want their dick sucked, even IF you lure them with directions, and they say yes. You're right to be worried about your health in general, but don't think that giving strangers blowjobs is a bad and manipulative thing to do.

Jun 20 11 - 8:30pm

Oh but when guys do it, manipulate chicks, it's coercive date rape right? Oh yeah, but some random chick going around blowing random guys is totally ok? Man, you people really are fucked.

Jun 21 11 - 10:28am

Acquaintance rape is no joke, and that is not what Orally Fixated is doing. If a man were to do exactly what she is going--pulling up and asking someone if they want oral sex--he wouldn't be doing anything wrong, either, unless he forces them into his car against their will. However, you must understand the power dynamic in society, and also that men are much more likely to be violent sexually statistically, which is why women have to be more careful.

Jun 21 11 - 8:25pm

I know what they're doing isn't "wrong", but it's definitley not wise. But of course, we live in the age of no consequences,which is another issue. But, we all know what would really happen if a guy did it. He'd be considered a creep,reported,arrested,etc.

Jun 22 11 - 3:54pm

hey, dude above. Men already do this shit. Their name is john and they are not arrested as often as they should.

Jun 20 11 - 1:34am

I feel like I am reading a Tiger Beat column. I know these are issues in the real world, but this feels like 15 year olds writing into nerve.com

Jun 20 11 - 6:10am

I was going to say, one obviously fake letter and two teenagers. It's too bad because new miss info is much better than old miss info.

+1 for Miss Confused trying to develop relationships with women. I'm going to engage in stereotyping here, but my job involves 14-17 year-old-girls from a variety of backgrounds and the further down the socioeconomic ladder you move, the more other girls are viewed as an existential threat. It's kind of understandable, since a boyfriend with a job may seem like a ticket out of a confusing, awful home life into sort of a recognizable life template (that ALWAYS includes kids.) Miss Confused probably had the baby to try to cement the relationship with him.

Jun 20 11 - 2:01pm

Good points, lezley. It's true though that female-female bonds are the way to developing better self-confidence, although it may be really hard to develop those bonds.

Jun 20 11 - 6:16pm

@Lezley.....New miss Info had been getting a little better recently (until this article and questions) but is a long way from filling old Miss Info's shoes! I agree with Yes...Tiger Beat!

Jun 20 11 - 1:41am

Miss Confused, you sound like you have some pretty tremendous emotional baggage. You have a son with this man. Petty jealousy should not get under your skin like that. While I agree with Miss Information, I would also say, emphatically, that you could use someone a bit more professional. I would take the time to have a long-term commitment to therapy. If it really doesn't work for you, you can always try alternatives (yoga, exercise, joining a "mommy and me" class). But this sounds like a pretty serious issue, and I'd be surprised if it isn't also affecting other areas of your life (work, family, friends). Good luck, and I hope this works out for you.

And... I feel like the advice to Orally Fixated was pretty off-base (other than the fact that it does totally sound like something a guy dreamt up as masturbatory fodder). I have no idea what the "trick" or "false pretenses" are. She asks them if they want head, and then she gives them head if they say "yes." Rarely have I heard of sex with fewer false pretenses involved. And while there is risk of STDS, it's pretty low. Yeah, she might get the herp, but that's about as bad as it's likely to get. On the other hand, inviting complete strangers into your car and then driving to a secluded area? Now that sounds like a pretty dangerous hobby.

Jun 20 11 - 2:27am

Actually, there is a risk of other STDs including HIV with oral sex. Granted, it's less than with vaginal or anal sex, but it does happen.

Jun 22 11 - 12:34am

Not sure if you'll read this, but--I honestly didn't know that, that's definitely good to know, but frightening shit!

Jun 20 11 - 1:46am

I'd like to see Cait's reply to a letter from a Mr. Confused, which would be exactly the same but with the genders reversed. Somehow I'm guessing that she'd tear him a new one for his unreasonable jealousy, and point out how destructive his behavior is...but since Miss Confused has a vagina, she gets the "poor you" treatment.

Jun 20 11 - 1:59pm

How is it, living in la la land, where the sexes apparently have true equal economic, legal and political rights?

Actually, don't answer that.

Jun 20 11 - 2:58pm

@AT, does that mean since everything isn't equal, therefore nothing should be equal? A hapless, non-sexist male letter-writer of today should be punished for all the sexist sins of any males that ever lived before him? Also, women have equal legal & political rights. Heck, they've got more legal rights than males.

Jun 20 11 - 5:54pm

Come on, Kevin. More rights?

No, it doesn't mean that nothing should be equal, but that things aren't equal and pretending otherwise is unfair. If the sexes were reversed, things would be quite different and the LW would get different advice. And yes, we'd have some reasons to believe that a male LW was controlling, emotionally abusive and potentially physically abusive -- more so than in this case. And to be fair to Cait, she did point out that this girl's behavior was destructive.

(LAC: if the sexes are reversed. Sexes, not genders. Having a vagina is not a socially constructed "trait.")

Jun 20 11 - 6:16pm

"we'd have some reasons to believe that a male LW was controlling, emotionally abusive and potentially physically abusive"

What are those "some reasons"? Because he has a penis? Because men are abusers and women are victims? That'd be news to my friend who got stabbed by his stalker ex-girlfriend. But I guess she must've done it because, somewhere along the way, The Patriarchy Did Something Bad To Her.

The tragedy of your posts is that you probably see yourself as a warrior for social justice, but really you're just exulting in hatred and rage. You're the kind of person who would've been a KKK member if you'd been born into the body of a white Southerner in the 1900s.

(P.S. If you ever get your lesbian separatist fantasyworld, you're in for a world of hurt when you find out just how much emotional abuse women are capable of dishing out)

Jun 20 11 - 6:18pm

(P.S. In case the above isn't clear enough: you're a worthless fucking sexist piece of shit for prejudging people based on their sex, gender, or whatever you want to call it)

Jun 20 11 - 6:40pm

Okay Kevin with the rage problem.

So let me see if I understand you correctly: the feminists are at fault for the 2 men a year who die at the hands of their psycho girlfriends. And they are also obviously at fault for the 9,673 women who die every year at the hand of their psycho boyfriends.

The reason why the response would have been different is because women are at much much much higher risk at being killed by their male partners (who start off as isolating, emotionally abusive and controlling jealous types) than men at being killed by their female partners (when women kill their male partners it is more often than not as retaliation for being victims of some sort of abuse at the hands of those men). Look at the DATA.

Why all the rage?

(as for the KKK, I'm sure your relatives were some of those white douchebags sitting around taking photos of themselves at the lynchings, because that's what everybody who was conformist did-- and you seem conformist.)

Jun 20 11 - 10:04pm

Wouldn't it be something if there were more men with body-image issues; more men with body-image issues who asked for advice on how to deal with their jealousy problems; more men with body image issues and a jealousy problem who took care of their babies while the mother of the baby went out with other men and touched those men, even after the father of the baby complained about it. Wouldn't it be something if there were more men with body image issues and jealousy issues who asked themselves while changing diapers (or while putting the toddler to sleep) "why is she with me?" and then gave into despair as they realized that they loved her to death and don't want to lose her.
Oh hell, who are LAC and Kevin kidding. We don't even have 1 man like that existing in the world at the current moment.

Jun 21 11 - 12:09am

It's the Internet so I have no idea if you're being sarcastic or not, but the world is full of short dudes with jealousy and body-image issues (the idea that women have a monopoly on negative body-image is one of the biggest crocks of shit that ever crocked a shit). Some of them even take care of their kids and change their diapers.

Jun 21 11 - 12:51am

First of all, your 5000:1 ratio of male vs. female perpetrators of partner-murder is false, and clearly pulled out of your ass. According to FBI statistics, it's about 2:1. If you include all murders, Male offender/Female victim (22.7% of all murders) is only about twice as common as Female offender/Male victim (9.6% of all murders). Men commit 89% of the homicides overall, but they're also 76% of the victims. It's true that a murdered woman is PROPORTIONALLY far more likely to be a victim of partner-murder than a murdered man, but if anything that reflects the fact that so many men are being killed in drug-related violence and other causes.

Your next argument amounts to "When men kill women, it's because men are assholes; when women kill men, it's because men are assholes." I think that speaks for itself, or rather it says a great deal about the kind of person who would say such a thing.

Towards the end of your comment, you tell us to "look at the DATA", meaning that we should use statistics about the population at large to guide us in how we treat individuals. If men are more likely to be abusers, then we should treat them like potential abusers, or so the argument goes.

Indeed, I've heard this argument before -- from racists, and from sexists, and every form of bigot. We as a society have deemed this sort of crap unacceptable, and rightly so: it's the seed of racial profiling, of sexual discrimination, and of every sort of behavior based on the idea that we can judge individuals based on qualities we attribute to the group to which they belong.

What you're arguing for is, in fact, bigotry in the most categorical sense. This is no surprise, as you're a rare bird indeed -- a genuine, honest-to-goodness man-hater. Usually when a woman gets called that it's bullshit, but you truly seem to harbor a deep loathing for the male of the species. (Why that is I don't know, and don't especially care, because whatever happened to you in the past, the shitty person you are now is 100% your own fault.) It prejudices your outlook, leads you to assume the worst of all men's actions, and generally makes you seem like the same sort of hate-fueled, rage-filled individual one finds at KKK rallies, gay-bashings, and that sort of thing. You are, in short, no better than they are: even though you call it by a different name, the very same hate that drives them, drives you.

And you're every bit the goddamn fool that they are.

Jun 21 11 - 12:51am

(Correction: @AT, not @AC.)

Jun 21 11 - 12:02pm

You know what, you cowardly man (@AT), you sound like the kind of person who believes in reverse racism (also known as a modern day idiot. Newsflash-- reverse racism doesn't exist. Women can't be sexists. The world is still racist against non-whites. We still live under a patriarchy). So, in this larger context, I am not using the data to discriminate against individual men (although obviously it should be used so, because according to the data men do all kinds of fucked up shit to other men, but more worrisome to me- to women. And yes, the biggest risk factor for a young female is her male partner. It is the DATA. Not so for men, so don't sing this "equality" tune here, because it's misdirected.) I was using that data simply to explain to you why if a man - in this day and age of continued male supremacy - displayed controlling insecure behavior it would raise, to an educated audience, certain red flags that are not raised when a woman behaves in an insecure manner. It's apparently a pretty subtle idea and you seem pretty dull so I'm not surprised you don't get the nuances here.
I'm also amused that you keep using all kind of name calling that you think is insulting (like man-hater. Please, mr. anti-feminist. The opposite of woman-hating is not man-hating- only a self-centered dude would think so- but woman-loving. And that's what I am, a lover of women. Try that sometimes, it will do wonders to your relationships with women.)

I'm going to end with the words of a dude, the one and only Samuel Johnson: "Sir, I have found you an argument; but I am not obliged to find you an understanding."

Jun 21 11 - 12:25pm

No, AT, you really don't know anything about love, and I pity you for it. Good luck in life; you'll need it.

Jun 21 11 - 1:55pm

And you know what I know about love because you can see through the intrawebs? I knew you were special, but not that special! Repeat after me "you're only jealous because the voices talk to me."

Really buddy why don't you get off the FBI site and read some feminist theory? It will help you understand masculinity better and also the crisis of masculinity we're experiencing today (which is why men like you feel so threatened when random people on the internet quote facts that don't portray men in the best possible light. But ya know, can't change the FACTS, sorry.). Old school feminist theory is the best, in my opinion. Germaine Greer, Catharine MacKinnon, Sheila Jeffreys, Andrea Dworkin (if you can take the heat, she's really something that one), bell hooks if you're feeling extra thirsty for knowledge and Audre Lorde, or, if you're that kind of bigot who thinks men are better sources (which I have a feeling you might just be), Robert Jensen from UTA is a good writer too or Michael Kimmel or Jackson Katz. Happy reading and see you in 7 to 10 years! (You're welcome)

Jun 21 11 - 2:31pm

I've read Dworkin and MacKinnon, actually. I'm not surprised you like them; after all, you have a lot in common. Personally I prefer to side with people who I think will make the world a better place, rather than a worse one (and you're definitely in the second category). Have a nice life.

Jun 21 11 - 2:38pm

(Apologies to other readers who may find this exchange tedious) -- MacKinnon and Dworkin most certainly have made the world a better place, are you not aware of that? Of course you may find that making men in the workplace think twice before they touch their woman co-worker's butt or comment on her breasts has made the world worse for the man... But that just makes you wrong. Have a nice life too!

p.s. more reading never killed anyone. Try it. You may find Katz or Kimmel more to your liking btw.

Jun 21 11 - 2:52pm

You must be a lot of fun at parties.

Jun 21 11 - 2:57pm

Is that all you got? (You wouldn't know how much fun I am at parties because the lesbians won't invite you to those parties. Aw, shucks.)

(... so looking forward to juvenile jokes about lesbians)

Jun 21 11 - 3:17pm

I'm sure that -- even among your most ardent, angriest lesbian compatriots -- you manage to come across as an insufferable, hectoring boor who sucks all the life out of a room when she enters it. No one likes a pompous self-righteous ideologue, even when they agree with her.

Jun 21 11 - 3:42pm

oooh, "angry lesbians"? Isn't that like .... redundant in your world? Like "ugly, straight men" or "unprosecuted rapist" or "male batterer" or "toys that you play with" or "@AT who loses arguments on the internet" (oh, no!) in the regular world?

Anyway, listen, it's been real fun, but I gotta go play some tennis now.

Jun 21 11 - 11:31pm

AT please stop posting this sexist, hateful, terrible stuff. It's gross and if the same kind of attitudes were reversed and being expressed by a man about all women here I have no doubt that Nerve would censor it IMMEDIATELY, and miss info would be leading the charge to do that.

I feel sick reading your posts AT, and I applaud @AT for taking you on with verifiable facts and figures that prove just how detached from reality you really are. I notice you did not address the facts he provided, you simply moved on to a higher level of shouted rage, which is the hallmark of someone who's personal emotional experience is all that matters- with a broader comprehension of reality or the experiences of others coming a far second. Just because you have a vagina does not make your hate any less disgusting and contemptible than hate coming from a man, and your unbridled rage and contempt for men is absolutely no different from the worst kind of sexism directed at women that you claim to be so opposed to. You can't fight hate against one gender by leading the charge to be even more hateful in response. The result is the destruction of people. Most men are good people, good fathers, good brothers and good sons. Seriously- seek professional help before your life passes by without you ever knowing good men in your life, because just as hateful men cannot ever attract or enjoy having mature, confident and genuine women in their lives, so too will someone with your attitude fail to ever experience good men, and everything wonderful that comes from that.

Please please stop posting here. Nerve- please please apply the same standards of censorship to this open acidic sexism that you would apply to a man who was posting the same attitudes, but from the opposite direction. The fact this is not being censored is blatant discrimination. A few weeks ago I had a post here censored and not made public as I attempted to fight a similar battle to the one @AT is figting here. I accepted that because presumably because of swearing and the inflammatory nature of my post, it was not made public. However what I said was not sexist. What I see here from AT is open hated and sexism, and a total unwillingness to debate based on facts or a consistent and mature dialogue, and is far far far worse than anything I said in my post that was censored. I would invite Nerve staff to look up my censored post, and compare it to what is being said here without censorship.

What has been said here by AT is disgusting, and Nerve should take a stand against this bullshit. I have no doubt if a man was posting this kind of thing directed at women, Nerve would censor it without hesitation, and rightly so.

Jun 22 11 - 12:43am

"Like "ugly, straight men" or "unprosecuted rapist" or "male batterer" or "toys that you play with""
This really crossed a moral horizon line for me. I've disagreed and agreed with AT by turns before, but that was just unbelievable. This exchange got so bad I honestly hope that it was a troll taking your name and posting shit with it, AT.

Jun 22 11 - 12:50pm

@ completely -- and "angry lesbian" and bringing up the KKK was okay and did not cross a moral horizon line? Why?

AJ (and his MRA buddies): so you are a fan of censorship now because ... ? What exactly was "disgusting" - besides @ATs pathetic ad hominem attacks? Which reminds me -- if you want to engage in argument (even in this glorious space known as the anonymous Internet), I really suggest you stop using profanity and engaging in ad hominem attacks. The ad hominem attacks are especially painful to witness because let me remind you-- you don't know who this voice on the internet is. All you're revealing, when you excrete what you perceive as insults like "man-hater" or "angry lesbian" or whatever else was written in that verbal diarrhea above, is your own self-centered-ness and your own prejudices, once again, about women, and especially about women who give a shit about equality between the sexes (I shudder to think of how you regard women who don't give a shit about equality).

I'm going to go on the record with this one once, in hopes that maybe we can move beyond stereotype-based ad hominem attacks: my childhood was wonderful, I went to really awesome schools, including grad school, and have a great job and a stable and engaging social circle and a really intelligent and attractive gf (whom I can't marry because your country still discriminates against gay people... that much for too much "acidic sexism" er I mean equality). I come to Nerve - and waste a fair amount of time here (Oops!) -because I appreciate that they are trying to engage in discourse about sex and relationships that is several notches above the usual pornographic hateful drivel you get on most other places on the Internet (you, AJ, are not helping with keeping it civil, so no wonder they censored you, if indeed they did that).

Finally, I'm amazed (as in 'completely flabbergasted') that you already live in a world of complete economic, legal and political equality for women and men, where the poor menz are in danger of destruction because of that incessant "women are human" propaganda -- because sure as hell the rest of us don't.

p.s. I'll stop commenting on the misogynistic drivel when it stops being written. Deal?

Jun 22 11 - 1:59pm

The fact that someone else wrote something terrible is not a good enough defense for the fact that you wrote something terrible. And I have no idea how AJ was not being civil, other than that s/he was disagreeing with you. AJ's post seemed like an excessively thoughtful response to your increasingly hateful speech.

Jun 22 11 - 2:11pm

He was censored when he was trying to fight "@AT's fight" before, by his own admission because he wasn't being civil ("swearing"). Also, complaining that he was censored but calling to have someone else censored strikes me as ... hilarious.

How was my speech hateful (or increasingly hateful)? Please, really, do tell.

Jun 22 11 - 8:29pm

In last weeks discussion on Male impotence/Viagra, someone took my suggestion that Viagra is not always used just for the pleasure of men, and used that pretext (Viagra, and the benefits it brings to both men and women) to post a comment saying that because Viagra was used during gang rapes in Syria, this proved that Viagra was not "invented" for the pleasure of women.

I took offense at my point (Viagra benefits both sexes) being completely and intentionally distorted to supposedly mean that Viagra was "invented" to please women, and that talking about pack rape on the other side of the world somehow had ANY relevance whatsoever to a discussion about sex and male erectile issues on a forum of mostly US people. I used the phrase "screaming retard" which I now regret, and found my post quarantined when I tried to submit it. It was subsequently not posted. I took the hint and am now strongly resisting the urge to communicate, even with people who cannot discuss sex without a mad descent into blatant male hatred, in a way that will get me censored.

I was not complaining about being censored, I was saying that I was censored for far FAR less than what you are saying here, and I think Nerve owes it's audience some consistency in what it censors and what it does not. The fact I was censored for inflammatory language when trying to defend a point about the benefits of Viagra to both sexes, yet you are allowed to post repeatedly extreme sexist and prejudiced remarks here without any censorship, clearly demonstrates to me that Nerve will not tolerate a my (admittedly aggressive) defense of a civil discussion on viagra where irrelevant rapes are not being used as emotional blackmail to try and gain leverage, but WILL tolerate a woman repeatedly making statements so sexist and hateful it's hard to believe your IP has not been permanently kicked.

Your speech is hateful because you clearly see men as unworthy of the same respect you would give a woman, and you aggressively attempt to convince other people that this perspective is logical, ethical, necessary and correct as supported by "the DATA". You pretend to back this up with facts, but flee from any real discussion of statistics because you know you can't justify your perspective with any real evidence. Your emotional perspective is all that matters to you, and your perspective is that men are not worthy of the same respect or dignity that women are.

I have made this point repeatedly and you have never responded to it. So I will make it again, and I would very much like to hear your response to this AT: If a man was saying the kind of things you are saying, but directed at women, Nerve and the Nerve readership would never tolerate it. It would be clearly and instantly derided as a man who had an open and vicious need to reduce the opposite sex to something unworthy of respect, equality, trust or the presumption of innocence. It would be branded hate speech, and rightly so. So I ask you yet again- why is sexist and extremely prejudiced and hateful behavior that would never be tolerated if it came from a man, is somehow ok from you just because you are female? And why is Nerve censoring other people, but letting you post content that is clearly and demonstratively far worse by comparison?

You may have missed this little tidbit of philosophy in all your years reading feminist theory, but one of the most fundamental goals of feminism was to remove gender discrimination, and the belief that one gender was inherently more worthy of respect and dignity that the other.

There is no difference between you and a hateful sexist male, you are simply aiming your hate in the opposite direction. How does it feel to know that the people you have most in common with, are also the people you claim to despise the most because of their beliefs, attitudes and actions?

Jun 20 11 - 2:13am

miss confused, i could put my comments in one very long draw out paragraph and the odds are it would fall on def ears but there is more going on here then just a f---ing paragraph can tell you and miss information try to same it up to you in a so called paragraph but i am new to commenting on blogs and from what i can see, there is a lot more going on then here with you n your bf so my advise is look for some better advise then you got here........................

Jun 20 11 - 2:30am

If I think of a guy coming up and asking for directions and then going "I want to eat your pussy", I want to vom in my mouth. That letter is a fake. But still. It skeeved me out to think of a lady or dude doing that.

Jun 20 11 - 2:00pm

Yeah, I still feel like vomiting after reading that letter.

Jun 20 11 - 5:25am

It definitely sounds like the first LW could use some therapy to get over her insecurities, but can't she and her boyfriend compromise? Maybe she can promise to control her jealousy if he can promise to keep his hands to himself. Is this guy also hugging and stroking all of his male friends? I'm not saying that she is right to be so jealous, but that is a little inappropriate on his part.

Jun 20 11 - 11:53am

She didn't say he was "stroking" his female friends, just that he occasionally hugged them and sometimes puts a hand on a shoulder. Some people are just very insecure.

Jun 20 11 - 8:08am

@completely: oral cancer rates have skyrocketed because of oral sex transmitting HPV. All of these blowjobs have more risk than just herpes.

Jun 20 11 - 2:29pm

I thought all thinking ladies had been vaccinated against HPV by now.

Jun 20 11 - 2:44pm

I'm over 25 so my dr. wouldn't give me the vaccine. :(

Jun 20 11 - 3:17pm

There are over 100 strains of HPV. The Gardasil vaccine covers 4 (there's another vaccine approved in the U.S. that only covers 2). The four strains covered by Gardasil are the ones that cause the majority of genital warts and cervical cancer, which is why they were chosen, but it's nowhere near 100% protection. I haven't read any studies regarding which strains are most likely to cause oral cancers, so I have no idea what sort of protection the vaccine provides there. It may be just as effective, or it may be minimal protection. In any case, people shouldn't assume it's a guarantee and should still practice safe sex.

Also, it's estimated that 5-15% of new HIV infections are acquired through unprotected fellatio.

Jun 20 11 - 5:09pm

"Also, it's estimated that 5-15% of new HIV infections are acquired through unprotected fellatio." Source? This contradicts everything I've heard for decades now.

Jun 20 11 - 5:21pm

Estimated by whom, exactly? I'm sorry, but that figure simply isn't correct. The author of the letter (who I'm fairly certain is a teenage boy, btw) should be concerned about HPV and herpes, but HIV? Nah.

Jun 20 11 - 9:10am

Seriously, can you imagine if some GUY was cruising around a university asking girls for directions and then saying "can I eat you out"? The fact that some guys agree is what shocks me the most. In an era where aids/hiv is an epidemic, where 1 in 4 potentially carry herpes, that some people still choose to take liberties with their health for a cheap sexual thrill is ridiculous. I hope the letter is a fake, because sooner, rather than later, you'll be writing to an online medical forum asking what the bleeding red sores around your lips are.

Jun 20 11 - 1:00pm

Unfortunately, I can imagine that. I don't think he was very successful, and eventually security made him leave.

Jun 20 11 - 2:31pm

There has never been a single recorded case of HIV being transmitted through oral sex performed on a man (don't know if it's the same for women off-hand).

Jun 20 11 - 8:42pm

Exactly. He'd be arrested for harrasment/stalking/etc, The feminazis would be all over it. So yeah. Bull.Fucking.Shit.

Jun 20 11 - 9:10pm

Nobody believes this was written by an actual female. Good try though.

Jun 20 11 - 10:53am

I call BS on the blowjob story. Are college dudes that crazy that they'd get in the car for a "free' BJ from a strange woman? That there's enough crazy college dudes that she can suck off one or two a week? I'd be afraid of being robbed or killed, or even worse, having my cock bitten off by this psycho.

Jun 20 11 - 2:13pm

Right. I think this is the beginning of a serial killer.

Jun 20 11 - 11:59am

I disagree that the boyfriend in the first letter lacks empathy. If the writer is that insecure, she probably has pushed her boyfriend past empathy. People with that kind of anxiety often really are self-absorbed. Moreover, just like you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself, her lack of self-respect is probably coming across as a lack of respect for him. She's basically telling him over and over that she doesn't trust him to honor his commitments. That can't be pleasant for him.

Jun 20 11 - 1:00pm

"She's basically telling him over and over that she doesn't trust him to honor his commitments."
Exactly. It's amazing how many people don't realize that this kind of jealous behavior CREATES cheaters, but that's really its subconscious purpose: if you tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that s/he's a cheating piece of shit, eventually s/he'll probably cheat on you, thus confirming that you were right all along. Ergo, you get to be a martyr; get to behave in an emotionally abusive way and get off scot-free for it; AND avoid confronting the challenges and risks of building a relationship based on trust and compassion. It's a win-win, or a lose-lose, depending on your POV.

Jun 20 11 - 2:32pm

Just based on the letter, I don't think she actually believes he's cheating on her, it just makes her feel insecure when she sees him being affectionate with other girls -- she feels like she's not good enough for him.

Jun 20 11 - 4:56pm

She doesn't believe that he's cheating on her, but she's obsessed with the idea that he'll want to. Her insecurity is a major problem, and she's pushing him away (her/his words). She's not insecure because he has friends, she's insecure and as a result, she can't handle him having friends. He's not doing anything wrong, but she's acting like he is. If the genders were reversed, and he couldn't handle his girlfriend having male friends, we'd all be quick to call that emotional abuse.

Jun 21 11 - 12:22am

I'm not saying what she's doing isn't very, very destructive -- it is. She needs to change her behavior. I'm just saying it's not as clear cut as "I think you're cheating on me."

Jun 20 11 - 5:38pm
College Boy

It's the same old story. Women tell me they respect me for my knowledge of local geography. But they're all headed in the same direction.

Jun 21 11 - 11:33pm

I'll buy you a coke if you tell me where the quad is.

Jun 20 11 - 10:46pm

Miss Confused,

So you've been dating for "almost two years;" you don't say how old your son is, but let's say he's 3 months old, which means you got pregnant a year ago; by this calculation, you've spent more than half of your relationship either pregnant or parenting, and you'd been together less than a year when this major change (pregnancy) happened. This means that your relationship has been severely limited in its ability to develop fully and without pressure. I'm also guessing that both you and boyfriend are pretty young, and that the child wasn't planned, which means there are some issues with maturity that both of you will have to tackle.
Your boyfriend also sounds kind of problematic; pregnancy and childbirth can really wreak havoc on your body, and it doesn't sound as though he's done enough to reassure you by both telling you that he finds you desirable, and actually treating you as an object of desire.

All of those things being true, the deeper problem here is that your self-image is, plainly put, not in line with reality. You don't have an ability to see your body as it really is, or you as you really are; this means that no matter how much your boyfriend reassures you, unless you can transform that thinking, it's not going to change your self-image much. If you spend some time with a counselor, you can get to the bottom of why you hold onto this negative self-image and how you might change your thinking patterns.

Sadly, I don't see you and your boyfriend staying together for much longer; the both of you sound sort of immature, and you spend no time mentioning why you love him, why he loves you, or why you should be together (and no, "for the sake of the child" is never an acceptable reason. Ask grown children of people who stayed in bad partnerships "for the sake of the children," and see what they have to say about that.) All the more reason to sort out yourself now, for your own sake, so that no matter who you're in love with, you can be a happy, self-confident, and equal partner.

Jun 21 11 - 12:05pm

Great advice. Breaking up doesn't sound like a bad idea at all here.

Jun 21 11 - 11:26pm

Applause! Well constructed and reasoned, Cynthia.

Jun 21 11 - 5:14am

What I'd like to know about the first letter-writer is whether her partner ever responded to her insecurities in an empathetic, reassuring manner, before springing on her a response like 'you're pushing me away', and calling her self-absorbed. He sounds like kind of a jerk. A good boyfriend - father of her child! - would at least try to make her feel better about herself, instead of springing even more negatives on a partner with an already injured self-image. Negative self-perception comes from the inside; but sometimes, bad partners help it along.

Jun 21 11 - 9:08am

I tried to post the link to a source, but it got moderated out. If you google "risk of receptive oral sex," right now it's the first link (from HIV Insite of University of California, San Francisco).

Jun 23 11 - 2:01pm

Nerve disabled the Reply button to that exchange up there, so I'll respect their decision to just drop it already (despite the terrible itch to reply and ...... ------ ------ etc).


Jun 23 11 - 6:25pm
No MisInformation

More tired misandrist drivel from Cait Robinson. When is Nerve going to get around to firing her? I love how she magically fills in the blanks to pin part of the confidence issue on the LW's boyfriend solely on the basis of conjecture. Guess what, Cait? LW1 sounds like a semi-professional victim, part of a demographic (one NOT anatomically defined) who use this feint as a way of keeping the spotlight on themselves while abdicating all responsibility for laying in the bed they've made. Guess what? LW1 is self-absorbed, but tossing out phrases like "I have no self-confidence" and "I hate my body" gives her plenty of coverage to be self-centered, selfish and manipulative while still retaining her mantle of victimhood.

We know slim to none about the dynamic of this couple's relationship other than what the LW tells us, and it appears that Slim just left town. Injecting anti-masculinist rhetoric into the advice she gives demonstrates why Cait Robinson should follow Slim.

Jun 24 11 - 4:15pm

Yo, since you like dick so much, why don't you go eat one. Or a few thousands.

Jun 26 11 - 11:28pm
No MisInformation

Hooked on Phonics clearly worked for you, troglodyte.

Jun 27 11 - 3:58am

Miss Confused is right to be jealous. Men and women can't be friends. One party or the other (it's not always the man) has romantic and/or sexual feelings for the other. Always. Men and women aren't meant to be friends. If there are exceptions - and I'm not convinced there are - they are just that - exceptions to the rule. It has nothing to do with Miss Confused's confidence.

When a woman I'm seeing tells me that she has "lots of male friends" or "most of my friends are men" (sometimes coupled with, "I don't get along well with other women"), it's a gigantic red flag bordering on an automatic dealbreaker. She doesn't have lots of male friends - she has lots of male admirers. She's feeding off the sexual energy they're sending her, basking in the attention/lust.

Jul 07 11 - 9:49pm

In der Tat ein guter Kommentar. Ich werde www.nerve.com mehr lesen ;)

Jul 08 11 - 9:03pm
Roulette Spiel

Hat jemand eine Ahnung wie sehr dies verallgemeinerbar ist?

Jul 19 11 - 1:52pm

Also ich glaube dies war nur ne kurzfristige Trendgeschichte

Jul 22 11 - 5:03pm
Roulette Strategie

An sich ne geniale Sache, ich bin mir nicht sicher, ob dies langfristig brauchbar sein wird!

Jul 25 11 - 3:02pm
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Hat jemand ne Meinung wie sehr das verallgemeinerbar ist?

Jul 29 11 - 9:47pm
System Roulette

Lustig, ich habe never ever für möglich gehalten dass dies real wirklich funktionieren könnte :)

Aug 05 11 - 4:46pm
Amerikanisches Roulette

Dank dir, endlich habe ich dies gerafft

Aug 07 11 - 1:41pm

Also ich meine das ist nur eine kurzweilige Erscheinung

Aug 24 11 - 5:52am
Strategie fuer Roulette

Hat jemand eine Idee wie sehr das verallgemeinerbar ist?

Aug 31 11 - 2:33am
Roulette Strategie

Also ich denke dies war eh nur ne Modeerscheinung

Sep 07 11 - 7:19am
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Sep 15 11 - 9:53am
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Miss Confused I'm also having same issued to my bf ,because he is an american he always used the word baby,honey sweety and more in my nationality there is not allowed to used this unless you have a relationship.so he have excuses and really i read the message in his cp sending same message to me and to other woman,its freak me out,,,, but at the end i asked my self,, do i love my bf,,YES, do i want to stay in our relationship YES, do i trust him YES,so i just want you to know your choice is in you,,, and talked about it,,one of the letter to yousaying a good man never say that you push me away to go out in our relationship,he needs also to support and understand you.now i can tell I'm more lucky because my bf assure that he don't want to loss me,even i break up to him because of that,he gives me a honor that he is not doing to cheat me,he is only want to helped them,and because in thier nationality it is common to call baby honey or sweety,sometimes its a bullshit now we are good.. i call also my friend same what he used,, i learned from him.hehehe

Nov 07 11 - 10:11pm
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6QU9tr Hi! Everyone who reads this blog - Happy Reconciliation and Accord..!!

Nov 21 11 - 6:29am

Weeeee, what a quick and easy suotilon.