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May 2, 2010
Dear Miss Information,
I need some advice. I'm the guy who is fucking up like nobody's business on Internet personals. Yes, I've tried changing my profile, both the photos and the text. I've also tried different approaches (lots of emailing back and forth, no emailing) and different services (everything from the big sites who run Superbowl commercials to community billboards). My friend suggested I might be trying too hard, so I unchecked the boxes for "Serious Relationship" and "Dating" and have shifted my focus to making new friends.
Still no luck, even though it's been a month since I've adopted that mindset. I'm not Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt and I can't do anything about that, but I do make good money and I'm a really nice person with lots of friends. Why is it so hard for me and so easy for everyone else? No woman will even give me the time of day. — Online Dater Hater
Dear Online Dater Hater,
"Easy for everyone else?" That's a hoot and a holler. Readers, why don't you email me your favorite Internet dating disaster and I'll post it in next week's column? The winner will get a free copy of my new book and the pleasure of showing Online Dater Hater just how gruesome the cyber courtship process can get.
I know there are many who will disagree, but I think you're doing yourself a disservice by confining your search to "friends." Friends are for cat-sitting and amateur volleyball. You want to fall in love. If not that, then at least get laid. I see a person looking for "friendship only" on a dating site and I automatically assume they're: A) a commitmentphobe, B) full of trust and/or intimacy issues, C) not ready to date but want the validation of someone hitting on them, or D) cheating on somebody. Should what I think be taken as gospel? Of course not. There are people who advertise themselves as friendship-seekers and are none of the above. However, if you're on a dating site, I still think it makes the most sense to go all in. Don't sit in the kiddie pool wearing SPF 1000, a life vest, and a pair of water wings.
I've already spoken about the Unfuckable Five and the benefits of having a friend, relative, or other person you trust go through your dating profile and offer up edits and suggestions. You need to know whether you're putting the most-honest-yet-flattering version of yourself out there. The people who know you personally will be able to offer you insights that a dating book or random advice columnist can't.
I've also talked about the importance of good profile pictures. No cheesy headshots, no posing with wheeled transportation unless it's a mountain bike, no shots of you with party girls with their faces blurred out, and finally, for the love of JC Penney, NO MOCK TURTLENECKS. This is the male equivalent of an ankle-length denim jumper on women. It does nothing for you, my friend.
You say you "can't do anything about" not being Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp. Bullshit. There are a multitude of ways to improve your looks. Buy some clothes. Go to the gym. See the dermatologist. Buy some boots with a heel if you're on the short side. Get that unibrow waxed. Beauty titan Helena Rubenstein once said, "There are no ugly women, only lazy ones." We've come a long way since the days of barbershops and bar soap. The same applies to men.
Dear Miss Information,
I am a senior in college and recently accepted a job in California at a prestigious company, complete with signing bonuses out the wazoo and an eventual free ride to grad school. I should be celebrating with a bottle of something rappers have in music videos, but I have a situation.
I've been seeing my boyfriend for three years. We met my freshman year at school. He's every girl's wet dream (if girls had those). He's extremely intelligent, handsome, generous, funny, respectful, and has a cute British accent. But while the whole foreign thing won me over when I was eighteen, I quickly learned it's not all it's cracked up to be. After he graduated, instead of heading home, he stayed to live in my city. Now that I'm graduating, I'm heading to the opposite end of the US. Yes, I feel like guilty about that, but oh well.
As great as he is, his cold British demeanor causes some friction. I'm passionate and crazy in love; he's calculating and sane. While I value what his sensibilities bring to our relationship, I constantly feel like I'm the only one that feels anything. We've talked about it, I've read books, I've been to a therapist. It seems that I need to learn to go without his emotional reassurance or I need to move on. While I'm questioning how important this emotional connection really is to me if I've stuck it out this long without it, I know it must be important if it keeps me up at night. He thinks it's the move that's going to cause us problems, but I think the problems are already there. They're just going to get worse. I'm not asking what to do about the job offer; I know this is one good thing that I can't let get away.
But am I crazy for needing more from a seemingly perfect guy? Am I right or just paranoid for thinking that the growing wedge between us has been here all along and is epitomized by my move? Is there any way I can salvage this relationship even though I'm moving so far away? — Miss (Obviously Not So) Independent
Dear Miss (Obviously Not So) Independent,
Of course there are ways you can salvage the relationship. I just don't know that you want to. You've been unhappy for a while now. You were disappointed instead of delighted when he decided to thumb his nose at the Queen and remain in the States. The decisions you're making now reinforce that sentiment, even though it's a year or so later. I'm not blaming you for taking that job. It sounds fucking amazing. However, if the relationship was your number one priority, you'd be employing a different kind of thinking, one that included all sorts of possible solutions and scenarios:
- What if he moved to California with me?
- What if I could find the exact same job over in England?
- What if I put the job on hold, then go after it again a year later?
- What if we both decided to say "fuck it all" and start new lives as trapeze instructors at a summer camp in Pennsylvania?
When you want to be with someone, you find a way. I do believe there's a part of you that wants to work it out. No one reads self help books on a lark or gets a big kick out of going to therapy.
Usually, when people do what you've been doing , there are two outcomes: the situation starts to improve and they feel more hopeful, or the situation stays the same, the frustration builds, and their faith in the relationship continues to flag. Where are you? I think you're at the latter. Here's proof: you call this job "the one good thing" that you "can't let get away" instead of your boyfriend.
Does this mean your boyfriend is a bad guy? Not at all. He sounds like a keeper. For someone else. Everyone is wired differently. There's a girl out there who will be able to deal with his stoicism, just as there's a guy out there who will be able to give you the emotional reassurance you desire. It won't be a struggle. He'll generally know what to say. If he doesn't, he'll make an earnest attempt and you'll get the rest of the way there with a little hard work and communication. You've already tried that with current boyfriend. It doesn't sound like it's working.
You worry whether you're being unrealistic, as if finding an answer to that question will set you on the right course. A better question to ask is, "Am I happy?" Happy doesn't have checklists to confuse us, like "good-looking, generous, cute accent" or formulas, like "If I have X, then I should feel Y, but I don't feel Y, so I am a failure to the power of Z." It's a Pass/Fail test that only your gut can answer. The key is getting your stupid intellect to pipe down and stop pretending like it knows everything.
Commentarium (15 Comments)
Spot on advice, especially in regard to the second letter. Been there, done that, the gut instinct is always right.
Sad to see fewer comments than usual; I suspect the fantastic advice is harder to gripe about. ;) The internet needs more positive feedback.
Miss (Obviously Not So) Independent is not so with it.
Move to California and take that fantastic job.
You will be fucking a new dream guy within a week.
Erin is absolutely right in regards to the second letter. Take it by the balls and just go. I almost missed out on something really fantastic over my ex. I don't think he's a bad person by any means and breaking up was incredibly painful for me, as we'd been together for several years. But I needed to be selfish, for both of us. We both knew that the relationship was unhappy and yes, it was salvageable but I think in the end, it wasn't ultimately worth it. Relationships aren't the be-all end-all in life and if this job is something that will make you happy, change your life.. then do it. Don't look back, he sounds like he'll keep a stiff upper lip over it.
For the first letter, you know, it's possible to ask women out without using the Internet. Then you wouldn't have to worry about your profile at all. If you really want to give the Internet a go, though, first of all, be honest and check that Serious Relationship status back on. If you're not honest in your profile, the people who respond to it will feel like victims of false advertising. Second, ask a female friend or three to be brutally honest and tell you what she thinks is good or bad about your profile, what would convince her to respond if she were single and looking for love on the Internet. Then ask her out. j/k
As an English guy who is probably similar, (but sadly, probably less awesome) to your boyfriend re. the stiff upper lip thing, have you considered the possibility that he's just too awkward to express his emotions or that perhaps that he's doesn't know that he's meant to?
As in, I imagine part of the reason he is like that is due to education and the way he was brought up, i.e. he's been trained to think that not expressing his emotions is manly and required of him. [a lot of this 'emotional intelligence' stuff is much more prevalent in the US than in the UK]. I doubt that if he's been going out with you for three years and is staying in the US, at least partially to be with you, that he doesn't have emotions for you or doesn't care about the relationship. English guys can be cold, but we're not the Borg.
Have you ever explicitly said to him; "I find the fact you don't express how you feel difficult, it would help me enormously if you would say more about how you feel?" I know you may have hinted at it, or dropped massive signals, but being awkward he may not have grasped their true meaning. Also, because you think he's generally awesome, you may not have felt that you can or should be overtly critical.
But you may have to, if you want to salvage something here. After all, if the relationship is possibly going to end, what have you got to lose?
best of luck.
Didn't this happen last week?
RE: the second letter
Just to offer a role reversal, I am a British girl living & going to University in London and my Ex was an American (specifically New York American). Our relationship was great, but he kept expecting me to blow up of the most minor things. For example after a 2 weeks dating it was my birthday and he got all messed up because he couldn't find the right present and kept apologising as he handed me a lovely bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine. Another time he went to the pub and didn't ring me that evening or the ensuing hangover day, again he apologised for not being in contact with me for 2 days.
I eventually sat him down and asked why he was so nervous about upsetting me, and after much talking we decided that the average American relationship was just naturally higher on the Drama stakes. From my experience and observing my other British friends (male and female), we just don't go in for the drama in the same way. Sure it's in the tv soaps and films, but we tend not to expect our real life relationships to be so explosive. We just tend to potter on with life, in fact huge gestures and declarations of love in the UK are seen as a bit tacky. We're less boombox over the head more walk in the park romantics. I mean come on, you must have seen four weddings and a funeral - the ultimate across the pond relationship mess up. We genuinely are more likely to meet someone at a wedding, see them again in 6 months at another party, discover they're married and say "oh bugger" and have a large drink instead of having a sobbing session.
If my theory is right, it may well be that simply the kind of relationship you expect on a cultural level is really different. He's probably not aware that you expect those huge fireworks and endless declarations of passion, because it's not really how we do it over here. But if you ask him to, I'm sure he'll be than happy to attempt to 'naturalise" his emotions.
And if you're worried that Brits have no sexuality take a look at some carry on films and our teenage pregnancy rates...
All the best
E xx
E J-E, that was an interesting read. Thank you for the clarification :)
Good advice to both. Letter writer two needs to just move on. I get that some people aren't as demonstrative as others. But it hasn't been working for a long time and if the guy had any sensitivity to her needs he'd have noticed and would be actively trying to find out why. It's not up to her to give him therapy for the childhood that has made him cold and withholding.
Dear LW#2 . . . girls do, in fact, have wet dreams. Just sayin'. Not relevant at all to the situation, but it seemed like a rather odd parenthetical aside.
To Letter #2. Not that experienced with Brits, but from my perspective as a 35 year old woman who's been happily cohabitating with my partner for the past 20 years, real, lasting love is easy. It's generally NOT complicated and filled with drama and romantic crises. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it, so end your relationship when you move--it's only fair to both of you.
Also, speaking from my additional perspective as a Canadian (we're a bit more reserved than you Americans!) from an ethnic background that's pretty much on par with Brits as far as additional frosty reserve goes, and whose significant other is from a more traditionally fiery sensibility, I'd like to add that it can be very disconcerting to be with someone who is always "over-reacting" (by my standards of comportment). It's one of those weird, not-on-the-same-wavelength issues. We've worked it out--I decided to stoop to "his" level with the shouting and hyperbole at times (which is actually mildly cathartic). But although my gut instinct says you need to cut each other loose, I just wanted to add, give the guy a break. Some people just don't like major drama; for him, perhaps making your coffee the way you like it or heading out into the cold to bring home the Sunday Times is how he shows his love.
Nonetheless move on: Some cross-cultural boundaries are too wide to bridge, and some people can only shift their comfort zones so much--and there's nothing wrong with that.
re: miss (ons) independent: perhaps your boyfriend falls somewhere on the high-functioning autism spectrum...his apparent lack of emotional connection the result not of his not wanting such connection, but being "wired" differently. my advice? figure out what's important to you in a partner and a relationship...and if you don't think he can fit the proverbial bill, end the relationship and move on. the transition may be hard, but in the long run, you'll be happy with your decision.
It's refreshing to hear how some stereotypes are in fact easily corroborated at least through anecdotal evidence---er, at least it's sort of refreshing but not really once you think about it. I like how there is a distinction between Americans and New York Americans, I found that funny, since I am not New York American. I guess it's a compliment.
re: Online Dater Hater, Miss I, YOU do a disservice to tell someone who is getting no interest that he could be getting BAD interest, which is somehow worse. No it isn't. You know what's worse than being rejected? Being rejected by people you don't even want.
For someone who has spent time on online dating sites and gotten NO hits, a bad date would at least indicate *someone* is interested. Even a loon.
Writing as an American girl dating an English guy (living in England) - I'd say don't be so quick to end the relationship over perceived issues of "coldness" or "sanity." If you're not feeling it for him, then end it, but at the same time I'd say that if it's just cultural differences, it's worth trying to make it work. English guys can be really uncomfortable with sentimentality - on the whole they prefer to deflect their feelings with humour. It took me a long time to realize that my boyfriend's teasing/joking was the way in which he had been raised to express affection; likewise, he found my effusive personality a bit strange at first, and couldn't understand why I was so excited/emotional all the time. Eventually we developed a happy balance, but it took work on both our parts to overcome the cultural divide. Perhaps spend some time in England, meet his family, etc - it will give you a better sense of where your boyfriend is coming from, values-wise
Now you say something