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November 9, 2010
Miss Information
How do I convince my friend-with-benefits to become my girlfriend?
By Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email missinfo@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I did the dumb thing and fell in love with my friend-with-benefits (but cut me some slack — friends are good, and the benefits were really good too). I want more, but she's not interested. Reason — and all internet and advice commentary everywhere ever — says to give up. But I can be patient and want to give love a little chance without actively disrespecting her refusal. So, if there were a one-in-a-million recipe for teasing the FWB into a LTR, what would it look like? She's brilliant, Miss Info — smart and funny and gorgeous and she understands me like no one ever has. How can I create the conditions for the possibility of a relationship but still respect her general wishes as my favorite friend? — She's Worth It
Dear She's Worth It,
If I had a one-in-a-million recipe for creating loving relationships out of reluctant partners, I wouldn't be drinking tea out of a measuring cup. (I'd be eating caviar out of a mug, because my butler did my dishes after he finished polishing all of my Nobel prizes. Thanks, Jeeves!) Since the creation of "love," "unrequited love" has been snarling and nipping at its heels. And it sucks so thoroughly that countless novels, epic poems, and pop-punk albums have been penned in the resulting tears. I wish I had better news, She's Worth It, but I think you need to move on.
A healthy relationship is a partnership of equals, a fifty-fifty kind of thing. This sentence is the biggest snag in your plan: "But I can be patient." Being "patient" might sound like the noble thing to do, but it's actually selling yourself very short. Instead of being an active participant in the relationship, you're demoting yourself to passivity. Then she's the one with all the agency: the power to stay or leave, break your heart or throw you a bone. Your ideal fifty-fifty is now closer to eighty-twenty. That's not fair to you, and it's not fair to her — you'd be putting a tremendous amount of pressure on her ("I love you! Don't fuck me over!"), while also putting yourself in a very weak and vulnerable position. You're stuck watching your phone, and she's stuck hurting you without realizing it.
I feel for you here, because it's a tough mixed message: "I like you within these parameters (sex, thrift shopping, brunch), but not those parameters (calling myself your girlfriend)." And herein lies the problem with FWB situations: they work only on the assumption that both partners can detach sex from emotion. Some people can do this better than others, but the arrangement requires both partners to be one-hundred-percent on the same page, which is a tall order. For what it's worth, SWI, your quandary is incredibly common, and you didn't do "a dumb thing." The inconvenient truth is that sex does engender feelings, and by acknowledging your emotions, you're being honest with yourself. That takes guts, and it's a step toward finding a happier situation.
There is a silver lining, though, SWI. I like your tone. You speak about this girl with a lot of warmth and respect, and your letter is commendably free from self-pity. It seems like you've got a good head on your shoulders; you know what's up, you just hope there's a loophole. The bad news is that I can't hand you a magic potion. (So much for my Nobel chances.) The good news is that you seem like a solid and kind dude, and there are legions of high-quality girls who would jump at a guy like that. I say shift your energy from "she's worth it," and start to realize how worth it you yourself are.
Dear Miss Information,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for ten months. I've been thinking about breaking up with her, but with the holidays coming up, I feel like I should hold off. To make matters worse, I've been invited to her family's home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't see any way out of going to either of these: we are from the same area, and I will be with my family about eight miles away. But if I go down this road, I'm afraid it will just get harder. Where does it end? MLK Day? Presidents' Day? When can I gracefully bow out? — I Don't Want To See You On Groundhog Day
Dear Groundhog Day,
It'd be one thing if you stomped through her church's Living Nativity on Christmas Eve, announced "I don't love you anymore," flipped the manger and punched a goat. But it's early November, dude. She has plenty of buffer time for her tears to dry. The kindest thing you can do is be clear and decisive. If you aren't into the relationship anymore, treat it like removing a Band-Aid: quick, relatively painless, and with a little involuntary screaming. In practical terms, this means do it now. No Thanksgiving pie bake-offs with her cousins. No wassailing with her parents. No helping baste the turkey. Do it fast and keep her family out of it. That way, you'll be breaking up with one person rather than ten.
Commentarium (29 Comments)
To the second one, do it now. I had a relationship break up horribly while I was visiting my parents with my ex, and it is NO FUN. If there is something to resolve, do it NOW. Otherwise those unspoken feelings will hang in the air. Short of putting on an academy award winning performance, everyone will sense it. As painful as "we have to break up cause Im seeing someone else" might have been for me, it would have been a lot better than it being discovered totally unplanned and then pretending everything is fine at family dinner after tears and recriminations. You arent doing anyone any favours by faking through those times, and I am still quite bitter that she led me through that charade till its horrible climax. I almost think it was a case of her being too scared to do it, but justifying it as somehow helping. Dont do that! Listen to Cait! She is already showing her wisdom as a fine new miss info.
Sound advice, Ms. Robinson. *You* are worth it. And I *do* want to see you on Groundhog Day.
"How can I create the conditions for the possibility of a relationship but still respect her general wishes as my favorite friend?" If you have to create conditions--to "tease" the situation--then YOU ARE NOT RESPECTING HER WISHES. You are hoping for a way to manipulate your relationship without tipping her off, because you already know that what you want is not what she wants. It's clear you feel a deep admiration for your friend, but please step back and reflect on your words here. What would she think if she read your letter?
You seem to be imagining SWI as a grasping, needy creature who wants to engineer awkward "romantic" situations to trick her into loving him. But it hardly needs to be so heavy-handed; there are a million ways to invite her to rethink her stance without being pushy or creepy about it, especially if the issue is more "she's a neurotic control freak who pushes people away whenever they get close", and less "he's a well-hung doofus who's good in bed, but becomes annoying after two minutes of conversation". Sometimes sticking around, and showing that you're unfazed by a person's bullshit, can get you a long way in life. OTOH, if they're not sleeping together anymore, it's probably a lost cause. P.S. If she's a worthwhile person, then "if she read [his] letter" she'd be touched and flattered at the warmth with which he described her.
great advice to the first one! It's hard to tell how clear he's made his feelings, but if he was stright-forward with her and she still rejected the idea of a relationship, then he does need to move on. I have tried for three years to be in a relationship with a guy, and he keeps blowing me off. He comes up with reasons that I wouldn't be happy with him. And yet he gets jealous when I have a date with someone else. I'm finally pulling away from that.. you can only wait around for so long for someone to stop being stupid and realize what's right in front of them.
great advice from the new ms. info! to the first letter writer, I would just add: there's a catch 22 at play here. The "Magic Recipe" for changing her feelings is, paradoxically, ALSO the exact same action you should be taking if you were operating under the assumption that her feelings will never change. That one action is to Pull Way Back. I know you are looking for a way to keep what you have, but also have more - but that isn't possible. You have to leave the situation that isn't making you happy in order to ever find a situation - with her or with anyone else - that does make you happy. Think about it - if she's already getting everything she wants from you - the friendship, the benefits, the no-strings, what incentive does she have to make a change? If you withdraw, there is a tiny chance that she will realize what she's missing and ask for the whole enchilada. But, it is far more likely that she won't. Doesn't matter though, because either way, withdrawing from her will move you towards someone new. You don't have to never speak to her again - but stop sleeping with her, and take the friendship down from "besties" to "we catch up once a month or so".
A friend of mine was platonic friends with a girl on whom he had an enormous crush. When he tried to kiss her, she said she thought they should just be friends. He replied (directly and respectfully) that he wanted to be friends but that in honesty he would always consider them "friends with potential." She said OK. Couple months later, they're dating and head over heels for each other to all appearances. Something to consider.
Cait, wonderful advice, but, in your infinite wisdom, haven't you seen my opera "The Elixer of Love"? I show that if you want to get rich, you don't have to *have* "a one-in-a-million recipe for creating loving relationships out of reluctant partners," you just have to make people *think* you do, and then people will be all over you buying it! Then move on to another town, and repeat! Dr. Dulcamara is your man!
Who said Cait's writing wasn't as funny? I giggled out loud at work at the image of some dude stomping into a church's Living Nativity on Christmas Eve, announcing "I don't love you anymore," flipping off the manger and especially punching a goat...those goats have it coming...
Great answers! Love the new voice!
Goat punching! Love it!
She's Worth It, I was going to write mostly what jess wrote, that the act of pulling away is probably your only hope. But what I'm really wondering is how this FWB arrangement started. That doesn't usually happen by accident. It often starts when people try a potential relationship, then decide the relationship won't work out, but the sex is still good. Or maybe you just met at a party, drunk and stoned, and it just happened, but you never clarified to each other what attraction you had beyond sex. A lot of how this will end depends on how it started. Just sitting back and hoping things will change isn't the answer, though.
The first time I went out with my boyfriend I was still in love with my ex. We went out several times but for me it was more of a FWB thing. In the meantime, he was falling for me. So I dumped him.
But we stayed friends, we talked every day and a year or so later we even went on a vacation together. Oddly enough after a year had passed, I was over my ex and realized what an amazing person my friend was.
We've been together a year and a half now.
I'm not saying this is normal, or that this sort of thing worked. The thing you have to remember about this situation, is that he got over me and we were able to be completely platonic friends. He told me about his dates, I told him about mine and no one got jealous. He was not sitting there pining for me.
So dude, stop pining and just be friends with her. I can guarantee she doesn't want a sad puppy following her around begging for attention. Be cool, and who knows, once some time has passed and those rose-colored glasses come off, you may realize she's batshit crazy and you're not in love with her.
Bux, I was just about to post the same thing. Amazing. Atta girl Cait!
totally agree on Groundhog Day. i had a 5 year relationship end the day after our first combined-family christmas. that totally sucked. end it now.
SWI - my dad tells me to treat heartache like the death of a loved one. It's no longer possible to communicate with that person, unless you have a potter's wheel and Whoppi Goldberg nearby, but lean on friends and family to talk about how you miss the person. It is so simple, but cutting off all communication is the only way to get over this stuff without dragging it out. I just am afraid you will get hurt if you are still sleeping together but she finds someone she does want to date and you are vulnerable and naked too and close to the situation. I say cut it off completely. Best case scenario, you hurt for a little while and then find a girl who is smitten with you and goes gooey and the idea of being your girlfriend. Second best scenario, your buddy gets a little jolt when you are not right there, faithfully and predictably adoring her and realizes that great sex + great friendship = good thing.
Good luck.
Crappy Holidays Guy - really? do you need an advice column to tell you to break up with her now? It's Thanksgiving, not your wedding day! She'll go through the worst of it away from her family, but then she can come home and soak up the sympathy and good care of family during the holidays.
Do it now before the shared Holidays. I remember Holidays with my exes incredibly distinctly because it's such a sentimental time and I regret waiting that one year because I felt bad for him. At least they'll have their loved ones all around them.
I really like this new Miss Information :).
The first letter was really good!
Never have a one way love towards a girl.. she will tear you apart.. I had previous experiences. move on.. there are a billion other girls
I gotta go with cool dude. Move on. Sure, she'll enter your mind from time to time for the rest of your life, when you're thinking what if........ But that's why it's called a life experience. And so it goes.
#1: my boyfriend of three years left me 4 days before i had surgery and i survived, so... it's not that bad, just do it
Philosophically, a solid relationship should be 100-100. A business relationship is 50-50
I'm in a friends-with-benefits relationship right now. The sex is great, and I thank our open communication for that. We talk about everything - the ridiculous moment when I pushed him off the bed or how he liked the new trick I tried in bed that afternoon. We haven't talked about feelings, because there are none, but we've both promised to not hold back if that's a conversation we need to have. Open and honest communication is bedrock in any relationship. If you love her, tell her!
a5oPMJ Can be also this issue because the truth can be achieved only in a dispute :)))
It's straight to the point! You could not tell in other words! :)))
Honestly, not bad news...
Author, Shoot yourself a knee!!!
I do`t regret that spent a few of minutes for reading. Write more often, surely'll come to read something new...
I do`t regret that spent a few of minutes for reading. Write more often, surely'll come to read something new...
Informative, but not convincing. Something is missing but what I can not understand. But I will say frankly: bright and benevolent thoughts...