Advice

Miss Information: How do I get my ex to tell me about her sex life?

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Miss Information

Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,

I’ve been divorced for two years. I developed a fetish during my marriage: I enjoyed cuckolding with my ex-wife. This led to our visiting swingers’ clubs and her escorting through Craigslist. She eventually started dating someone else, and she wouldn’t give me details about her escorting or her new boyfriends.

Although I’ve had several good relationships and a healthy sex life since our divorce, I can’t get pleasure without fantasizing about her and the cuckolding. I occasionally bother her with texts and emails asking about her current sex life, but she refuses to tell me. This just fuels my desire and lust for these details.

Why can’t she give me this one thing, and why can’t I have a sex life without her on my mind? — Desperate for Her Sex Life

Dear Desperate for Her Sex Life,

Why can’t she fill you in and satisfy your fetish? Because you’re not married. That horny ship has sailed. Your belongings have been divided. The papers were filed. It’s over.

I know it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. You know her. She knows you. There’s no physical contact. What’s the harm in sharing some sex stories once in a while with the ex?

The problem is that you’re using them as spank material, and that’s not so far off from adultery in some people’s minds. You wouldn’t show up at her door with a dildo and be mad if she didn’t let you penetrate her, would you? “But honey, you let me do this before!” Same principle. Stop emailing and texting. She’s already refused to indulge you and, as the adage goes, no means no.

I see absolutely no harm in thinking about her cuckolding while you’re masturbating or even getting it on with other women. You may eventually get bored with that. If you don’t, there’s still no harm in it, as long as you and your current bed buddy are connected and satisfied. If Elisabeth Hasselbeck says something is wrong, you know it’s gotta be right.

Dear Miss Information,

I’ve been in a one-year relationship with an Arab macho man and I’m at the breaking point. I love his honesty and strong sense of morality. We have the most amazing sex. Here’s the problem: I work with him at a café in his country, and I’ve repeatedly expressed my desire to quit. I want to keep my work separate from my personal life. He gave me an ultimatum: if I work elsewhere, he won’t be with me.

Also, a girl who always hangs out at the café told me that she and my boyfriend have been giving each other massages. He wound up kissing her neck and boobs. I felt so angry that I left. When I confronted my boyfriend, he said she was lying, and that I was weak for walking away and believing her. He also said that he doesn’t feel anything for her and I shouldn’t worry about it.

Is he trying to control me by not letting me work somewhere else? I hope you can help make sense of this complex problem, but I think I’m leaning towards leaving him. — Ground Down

Dear Ground Down,

Diagnosing and treating relationship problems requires getting into specifics. Specifics like: is he being unfair about you changing jobs? Yes, unless you’re living together and sharing finances. If that’s the case, he has a stake in how much money you’re earning and how the changes in your schedule are going to affect your life together. A stake isn’t the same as control though.

You should consider why he’s giving you the ultimatum in the first place. Is he insecure? Is he trying to control you because he’s afraid you’ll leave him or is he treating you like property? Are you openly discussing your leaving the café and trying to reach a middle ground? If you’re playing the diplomat and he’s still giving you the same ultimatum, you’re right to consider leaving him. Not just because of the job issue, but because it isn’t healthy to be in such a serious relationship with someone who doesn’t know how to compromise.

You would think he’d want to compromise, considering all the boobie-massaging allegations. It’s possible he wants you to continue working at the same place because he did cheat, a classic case of the criminal going out of his way to show he has nothing to hide. Then again, maybe he didn’t cheat and figures the best way to prove it is by having you there the next time Shirtless McGee throws out an accusation. (All this intrigue — I need a Jackie Collins novel and a glass of dry white wine.)

Talk to your guy again, about the massages and the job issue. If your words are kind and rational he should have no problem with some additional discussion. If he does have a problem, it’s time to walk away.

What do you think, readers? Is there no saving a relationship with a controlling man, especially one you work with? Should Ground Down walk away or try to save what she has with her Arab macho man? Let me know in the comments.