Advice

Miss Information: I’m having an affair. How can I force her to leave her husband?

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Miss Informatin: I’m having an affair. How can I force her to leave her husband?

Dear Miss Information,

My wife and I have been married for nineteen years. After her interest in sex declined, we tried swinging.  We both realized that: (1) no matter how buff and young-looking a forty-eight-year-old white guy might be, he’s of virtually no interest in the communities in which we participated; (2) black guys are a hot commodity; (3) any hot woman of any age is a hot commodity; and (4) hot white women of any age prefer black men.

My wife got a lot of action. I got none. Certainly, I feel left out but, you know, shit happens. We tried some three-way action (MFM) but my wife didn’t like it. My presence diminished the experience for her. This experiment did nothing for our sex life — it didn’t get worse, but it didn’t get better, either.  In fact, after a lot of intense discussion (including a loud dialogue at two in the morning), we realized: (1) the "newness" of a relationship is what gets her hot and bothered; and (2) I am not new, young, or black. Hence, it is not possible for her to be turned on by me.

My ego has taken a serious bodyslam both because of the community’s  lack of desire for me and my wife’s lack of interest. My final resolution was to offer her the choice of continued marriage or not, because I couldn’t take it any longer. This has nearly destroyed a twenty-year marriage and my forty-eight-year-old ego. How do I recover from this burst bubble? — Imperfect Harmony

Dear Imperfect Harmony,

I’m sorry your first foray into swinging was so negative. Your wife may be hot, but she’s not very realistic or tactful. We all wish we could live our lives within the bubble of wanton sexual fantasy, but that’s tough in a twenty-year marriage. To reuse a leftover holiday metaphor, there are only so many ways you can unwrap the same present. Your wife wants both the thrill of the mystery package and the security of the old favorite. Unfortunately, neither Santa nor Monty Hall work that way.

I want to challenge your statement about how all hot, white women prefer black men. First of all, it may be true of the scene you’re in, but that doesn’t mean it applies everywhere. Second, it may not even be about age or race. How’s your breath? How’s your grooming? How’s your small talk?

Your marriage doesn’t have to end over this. You have options. You can work the hell out of your existing scene, approaching it with the schmoozy networking of a seasoned sales vet and the data-gathering mindset of a scientist. Sample tasks might include talking to the men and women in your group about who’s getting play and who’s not. Buddy up to women you’re platonic with and see if you can gain any insight on the kinds of guys they find attractive. Buddy up to white guys who are getting laid and get some sex tips.

Changing communities is another approach. If, as you say, all the women are flocking to non-white guys, maybe it’s time to go elsewhere. I’m certainly not suggesting a KKK meeting or a Donnie Osmond show, just somewhere new. There are fifty-and-over swinger communities, communities for younger women who dig older men, doms/subs, etc. Keep in mind that your wife doesn’t necessarily have to come along. She can fuck her studs, you can fuck your friends, then you both can share a biscotti. (No, that’s not some sick sexual metaphor. I’ve just been eating a lot of it lately).

If your wife balks, too bad. She can’t craft a new sex life and leave you sitting on the sidelines. Yes, you both agreed to take on this new hobby, but just because she’s better at jogging doesn’t mean she gets to sprint ahead and leave her partner wheezing and coughing a mile back. Marriage is a partnership. Open marriages are partnerships on steroids. Good luck, and let us know what happens.

Kinky readers, has lopsided swinging ever affected your relationship? If so, what did you do about it?

Dear Miss Information,

I’ve been having an affair with a married woman for nearly nine months now. She’s depressed, unhappy, and feels that the marriage has lost its passion. You know the drill. We broke up last week because the guilt finally got to her. I want her back and also want to look out for her. I don’t think she’ll be happy with him. Ever. I met him in passing and he seemed like her anti-soul mate, if there is such a word. I’m wondering if I should tell her this flat-out. Doesn’t it pay sometimes to be a bit of an asshole? I feel like I’ve been too accepting and too accommodating. I’m not planning on giving away her secret or messing with her life, but I’m wondering if this might shake her into action and make her finally come around. — Do Assholes Finish First?

Dear Do Assholes Finish First,

No. And you’re kind of already an asshole for sleeping with a married person.

You can tell her what you think of the guy, but I doubt you’re her go-to source for an unbiased opinion. ("What, you mean the guy I’m seeing on the side thinks my husband’s a dick? Next thing you know MasterCard’s going to tell me that American Express is out to rail me on interest payments!")

Why are you so interested in looking out for someone who’s clearly not doing the same? There was no need to draw you into this love-triangle bullshit. She could have found ways to make her married sex life better or bought a robot army’s worth of vibrators and masturbated.

You’re feeling angry, and I understand that. However, acting like an asshole is just another form of being Mr. Accommodating: it’s showing her that you feel hurt and out-of-control and can’t take another day without her. As my mom and the guy at that illegal poker parlor out in Flushing would say, "You’re giving her the upper hand."

She needs to show you that she’s serious about ending her marriage. And for that to happen in any sort of meaningful way, you shouldn’t be doing anything to accelerate it. Give her time. Let it rest. In the meantime, look around for someone else to date a lady who’s available this time, please and thank you.

Readers, do you believe assholes finish first? Did you ever pull the classic "make a stand" with someone and have the cards fall your way?