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February 22, 2010
Dear Miss Information,
Over the summer, my ex-girlfriend of nearly three years left me for someone else. We were in a more-or-less long-distance relationship and the guy was a friend of hers who had always pursued her. I was devastated. It came as huge surprise and nothing has ever hurt me more than the way she was dishonest towards me and the pain of discovering her infidelity. I caught her when I saw messages in her phone one day that were very obvious evidence of cheating.
It took a while to get over the biggest heartbreak, but after hooking up with other girls for a while I finally met someone new that I really truly care for. She is wonderful, beautiful, friendly and amazing in so many ways that my ex never was. There's a real genuine connection and it feels amazing. However, I still can't get the pain of my break-up out of my mind. I find myself thinking about it nearly every day, and it still feels horrible.
Is there any way to know that this will pass soon? I can see myself falling in love with my new girlfriend, but I find it hard to truly let go of the previous trauma. Any help would be appreciated, even if it's just a personal anecdote! — Post-Traumatic
Dear Post-Traumatic,
I'm not feeling well, Post-Traumatic. My sinuses feel like the inside of an antique store, all musty and cluttered. It's nothing particularly interesting, just your average winter cold. It is, however, making me excessively lazy and willing to accept whatever's on the TV in front of me. Finding the remote takes too much energy, even if that means sitting through Celebrity Fit Club. Did you know that Kevin Federline is thirty-three percent body fat and weighs 232 pounds? Now you do. What I'm trying to say, in this very long paragraph of lead-up, is that I'm going to take you up on your anecdote offer, if that's still cool. Telling stories is about all my DayQuil-ed brain can handle right now. Hopefully there will be something in the following paragraphs that you can put to decent use.
So…I moved to from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to a small town in South Carolina in the middle of junior high. Not the most opportune time for a school switch. After a few months of floating around, I was finally able to insert my pasty Yankee ass into a friend group. There were four of us. We did everything together: lunch, sleepovers, hanging out before and after school. Until we didn't. I never even got the delicious teen-angst satisfaction of a proper dismissal. My phasing out was much more gradual. "Oh, you heard about Tori's sleepover? Sorry, Erin. Her mom said she could only have a certain number of people." Yeah, right. That's why she invited Jenny, whom she met two weeks ago in homeroom.
I tried everything, from being excessively nice to faux indifferent. I approached each of them one-on-one, trying to see if somebody (anybody) would tell me the real deal. Did I do something to piss them off? Did they find out my ESPRIT jeans were from the outlet store and therefore not as cool? Nothing worked. I was completely alone and miserable. I spent the summer before freshman year helping my mom with housework to the point where she (very nicely) told me to get a life.
The next year I channeled my depression into Nine Inch Nails t-shirts and started hanging with the alterna-crowd. They proved to be a much better fit, personality-wise, and in many ways this turned out to be a blessing. I could finally be me instead of slathering myself in self-tanner, feigning interest in The Eagles, and tolerating racist innuendo. It still fucked me up, though. My self-esteem took a huge nose dive and stayed that way for close to a decade afterwards.
I still think about those girls. Like you, I have a wonderful significant other as well as a host of amazing friends. I don't like that I think about them so often, but I also don't know how to stop. I've talked to shrinks about it. Done letter writing exercises. Read books. A couple of them have friended me on the Facetwitter and now I find myself pulling up their profiles and hunting for clues. Would the divorced one with two young kids be willing to spill the beans? Divorce changes people, or so says the Lifetime Movie. Maybe she'll be able to identify with my search for answers? That, or she'll laugh and call me a loser.
I don't know the right course of action. Do you, readers? Is it worth it to write these girls and politely ask what gives or should I just forget about closure and unfriend them on Facebook? Should I be ultra-Zen and write them a letter informing them of the forgiveness they didn't ask for, or is something like that doing more harm than good? Tell me what you'd do, and if there's a clear consensus one way or the other, I'll do it. Aaaannnnnd write about it. Here, or in my blog that I don't update enough so be on the lookout.
As for you, Post-Traumatic, I hope that reading this lets you know you're not alone. Traumas are so incredibly hard to let go of, even if they're just petty girl stuff from middle school. The healing process is different for each person, but remember not to judge yourself for feeling hurt, and make minimizing the hurt, rather than completely eradicating it, the end goal. Find a way of dealing with the leftover hurt that works for you. Some people see shrinks, others take up hiking, still others find solace in slutty hookups and booze. None of these are bad, in moderation. Neither is your new relationship, provided you're not using this woman as a crutch. There's a big difference between "I love you" and "I'm sad and lonely and I kind of like you, so you'll do." Keep asking yourself those difficult questions. They're worth the effort.
Guys, any more advice for Post-Traumatic? How did you recover from someone cheating on you?
Commentarium (55 Comments)
I totally understand. My ex cheated on my for 2 our of the 4 years we were together (kinda off and on at times). I found out for sure that he had been cheating after we moved in together.
Long story short... more than a year after we broke up, I met someone new that I instantly fell head over heels for. But still my ex popped up into my head. Not because I wanted him instead but I hadn't let go of the anger and resentment. I hadn't worked through those emotions inside myself.
And I wish I had because it ruined my next relationship. By open about your past with your new girl... let her know what you dealt with. It'll help her understand the reactions you may give sometime. :-)
I still think of the ex that broke that trust and made me forever hesitate towards commitment. I've battled with it constantly since her, and have let a few good girls slip away as I'd opt to instead have fuck-buddies then try and make an official relationship happen and risk it getting serious only to have to deal with my insecurities regarding it.
My only advice is that when I do find myself contemplating or thinking about that chick that broke my heart, I have started to instead contemplate and think about the girls I've let get away because of her. And though you're now in a relationship it might be best to instead turn those thoughts into a reminder to what you have now, however this new relationship ends up. It sounds obvious and simple, but really just look at it as a way to branch off from thinking about something that could have been, but won't and shouldn't be, and instead begin thinking of what you have, or what you let out of your grasp because of those prior issues.
Try and use that lesson from the past, as that, a lesson and instead try and think extensively about the girl you have in your life and how much worse you'll fear if you don't even give it the proper shot by pining over the girl that 'could have been'.
Every time you start to think of the ex, just change the subject. Force yourself to think about something else. Don't analyze the ex and what happened, don't try to not think about her, don't mentally address any part of her or the situation. Don't dwell. That just makes the ruts deeper. Just shrug and change the subject. That is all you can do. Shit happens.
After a while, you'll start thinking about her less and less.
No matter how muc it itchs if you pick at a wound it never heals.
BTW - I actually can spell but I can't type
My first year of junior high, I met someone I made instant friends with, and naturally we selected lockers next to each other. Two weeks later, he decided he hated me, and having a locker next to him for the rest of the year was a living Hell. I have no idea why he suddenly changed his opinion one day, nor do I have any motivation to track him down now and ask. It's junior high, it's over, and it really doesn't matter, because I'm a different person now, and I'm sure he is, too.
Unfortunately, that doesn't help with the question of trusting after you've been betrayed, because that can happen any time for the rest of your life. There's no way to know if the new girl will stay with you 'til you're 97, or hurt you just like the last one. You have to decide if the potential for one is worth taking the risk of the other. Just make sure you can justify your decision to yourself, so if things do turn out bad, you can go back and say you made the best choices with what you had at the time.
Love this reply, Ty.
To both Erin and Post-Traumatic: You don't control how others see you or treat you. Period. All of these "Did I do something wrong?" or "what could I have done differently?" are a illusory. There are any random number of reasons that people (especially a gaggle of junior high girls) do things, usually they have very little to do with YOU. It was never under your control, and this illusion of being able to manage how other people behave towards us is psychologically damaging and not worth the trouble. Give these people the benefit of the doubt (she has emotional/attachment issues, they were immature insecure little immature girls, etc.), and focus on just being awesome instead. Things will turn around for you.
(forgive my poor grammar and incomplete thoughts above.)
Sorry to be doing the lame journo´s job. She was a cheating no good ho and she thought that little of you. If you´re in a room together again either bring a shovel and a bag of lime. You can kill her with your bare hands but you can´t dig a deep enough grave your bare hands so the shovel (note after the about 8ft the police give up diggingh to meny man hours really that is the truth) or get a honest prettier girl friend. The planet is crawling with go looking hopfully honest woman ... pick one.
Erin & Post -- While the above commenters have a lot of alternative strategies for letting go of these hurts, there's a reason they're called traumas and why the emotions keep resurfacing. It's like developing an aversion to seafood after a miserable bout of food poisoning, or to getting into a car after a terrifying accident. Our brain, our emotions, didn't evolve to make us happy, but to keep us striving for advantage (keeping up with the Joneses) and looking out for danger (whether of germs, dismemberment, or betrayal).
Most advice about these things is crap, based on no research at all. John Gottman's is, but I can't remember whether any of his books has a chapter on getting over relationship trauma (can't find my copy of _The Relationship Cure_, time to unpack more boxes).
My meta-advice is that your emotional side is not a thing to be controlled. Like a pet, it's a highly evolved creature trapped in a modern human society where its brilliant heuristics don't always work. Respect its nature, without judgment, when finding ways to cope with the hurts and fears of being hurt again.
As with Erin, I think that part of my giving advice is for the boomerang perspective on my own life. As with raising kids, listen broadly and then choose your own path.
God, this has given me an alarm call. I recently (and I mean yesterday) broke up (again) with my boyfriend of just over two years. Though the hurt is not the same this time as it was last time, or the time before that, I realise he is really under my skin. We were totally loved up for the first 10 months, then he pulled back, little by little and made me feel increasingly insecure and low-priority. It would come to a head and he'd dump me telling me he couldn't give me what i needed, then come back telling me how much he's missed and thought about me, blah blah. Stupidly I'd get back with him, but after a while he'd pull the same rejecting, hot and cold behaviour. This time, it was me who dumped him, and for good reasons, but what he did over time has damaged my self-esteem. I trusted him so much, see, and he let me down, punishing me for being hurt while he was at it. Now, I am free to pursue other men, and I realise I have to get all the anger and hurt and sadness out of me before I inflict it on another. He made me feel I am impossible to love, which has to be the worse legacy of all. Because that will be what kills everything in my sights if I don't stop believing it. When someone betrays you, you have trust issues, and that's why this guy is thinking about his ex and her behaviour. He's falling for someone else, and unsurprisingly fears that she too will crap on him. The answer? Not everyone's a bastard. There are a hell of a lot of people out there who are honest, decent and not fucked up, find one of them. And make sure you are not going for the same type of wolf in slightly different clothing by reading the signals they give out correctly. Lay the ex to rest by believing that you are as loveable as any one of us and her behaviour was her behaviour. Not yours.
post-traumatic: I hear ya.
last summer I headed to africa for two months to conduct fieldwork, and within two weeks, my cohabiting boyfriend had promptly cheated on me....with our neighbor. I returned home depressed, underweight, and bitter. My second day home I saw them together at the main hangout in town. Shaking, I confronted my ex and told him he was the worst person I knew. The next day, however, I sent an apologetic email and later met with his new girlfriend/neighbor for coffee and "chatting" because I was so incredibly lonely and miserable, I even would accept them as friends (despite others referring to this as ridiculous and self-flagellating).
I quickly reached a better place where I knew that this was a blessing in terms of the next phase of my life, and felt sincere happiness for the two of them, as they are a far better pair than he and I ever were. But the trauma of that experience is something I think about every single day. It's only been nine months, and I hope that soon it will no longer be such a persistent and agonizing memory. Especially since, post-traumatic, I too have now met a new wonderful person, and I feel that these unpleasant memories only detract from this budding relationship.
What to do? Besides therapy, which everyone needs, especially my ex-boyfriend, there are many ways I've attempted to ameliorate the pain. Some of them include:
--Writing. It took a while, but I intend to eventually write and somehow publish a personal essay about this experience (yes, somewhat old, but beyond simply sob-story it will also very much touch on how electronic communication has affected our relationships today)
--Yoga and zen, or accepting everyone, loving everyone, forgiving. This one is really hard, because vengeance is a hard thing to let go of. It's not working entirely yet entirely, but in the meantime I'm developing my core strength like whoa!
--telling my new boyfriend. It was awkward and maybe too soon, but hopefully now he can deal with my every-now-and-then references to the misery that was much of that relationship, e.g. "tennis? sure, we can play tennis. it's funny---that was the only active thing my ex ever wanted to do. otherwise, he sat on his ass on the couch for twelve hours a day on weekends, writing stata code and farting."
--finding meaning in what happened. this was almost immediate---realizing that, thank god, we'd only been dating for a year at that point, and I could have wasted far more time with him. that I didn't want to be with that sort of a person, anyway. that I was free again to explore myself. that I could regain the community I had neglected due to spending so much wasted time with him. that, post-traumatic, really helped. everything happens for a reason. we learn from these things. this relates directly to the next part....
--vowing to myself, with the deepest and most and heartfelt intentions, to never, EVER, ever hurt someone who I care about the way that I was hurt---or in any way at all. This was the second thing I did, after working hard to find meaning and reason for what happened. It's so important to do this, and to stick to it, which I don't doubt for a second that either you or I will.
Whew. That's what I have to say. Yeah, it sucks really, really hard to be hurt like that. It's like 9/11 to your heart; you'll never forget. But at least you can make peace with it, which will only help you grow as a person overall :)
I love you...
Last week Michael claimed "Erin is the most clear-sighted, insightful, and on-target advice columnist writing." are we still going to stand by this claim when we get long anecdotes from junior high that amount to little more than drivel and don't address the issue at hand?
My boyfriend has just told me that he is still angry with his ex-girlfriend. I'm still not sure how to deal with her influence, but I understand a bit better now. Thanks.
>> Is it worth it to write these girls and politely ask what gives or should I just forget about closure and unfriend them on Facebook?
Closure isn't something other people give you. It's something you have to give yourself. So, yes, unfriend them. Close that door. If you feel you need answers, make up an entertaining story in your head that works for you. When you think about them, notice the thoughts, but choose to think about something else, or refer to your story, especially if it makes you laugh. Think of your friends and the negative thoughts they dredge up as a habit that you've indulged in. Choose to indulge in something else. I know it's not easy. Good luck!
And to the letter writer: Just keep saying to yourself: my current girlfriend is not my ex. Who knows what could happen? It's a mystery! Could be great! Let's go find out.
*different Michael than the one kissing Erin's ass
I have to disagree almost entirely with Paco's statement that the emotional side is not to be controlled. First, because modern man is capable of complex game theory when it comes to interpreting signals. While there was no reason to override emotional trauma in early societies when everybody knew the score anyway, in modern society acceptance of emotional trauma can badly hinder future opportunities. Secondly, there is a lot of evidence that emotions and thoughts are a two way street: intentionally changing thought processes can change emotional processes, often for the better. Third, there is also plenty of evidence that emotions are self-reinforcing. Feeling trauma just inspires more feelings of trauma.
Here's the deal. She dumped you. Now you are thinking its probably for the best, because you like your new girl better. BUT. She dumped you.
I know cases where A dumped B. Then B got together with A one more time. B fucked A. Then B broke up with A.
I know more than once someone quit and their boss said, you can't quit, you're fired. And vice versa.
It matters so, so much who did the dumping.
You can get over that part of it.
I won't tell you how to do it. Just what it is that is sticking in your craw. Both of you.
Just retrospectively dump the bastards. Rewrite history so you can live with it. Everyone does.
And Erin. Your HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIENDS?????? Get a LIFE. You are a sex columnist in NEW YORK. They would kill for your life.
OK.... We know it isn't as glamorous as it sounds, but hell, girlfriend!!! Even a pale comparison to Carrie Bradshaw is 1000x better than Fucking NORTH DAKOTA.
Jeezzzzzzz. Like the new hair, by the way. Its been a while for me. Nerve is going down hill. You deserve better, Erin.
I went through the same feelings for years, and let many good (much better) relationships go because I couldn't let go of the hurt from one person. What helped me finally get past things was to start differentiating between my attachment to the person and my attachment to the feelings I had for the person. I LOVED the feeling of how deeply I was "in love with him." But upon reflection of who he was and how he had treated me, I was not actually in love with him. I also had to accept that I may not feel the same love again, but I will be able to feel a more mature love. This took years for me to work through, but if this rings true to you maybe you can start early!
I agree that emotions are to be felt, but I also agree that one shouldn't dwell on stuff they can't change. The solution? Feel emotions when they come to you, let them run their course, but don't dwell on them. I wish I didn't have to freak out, fall into depression, and make an appointment with a therapist out of desperation to discover that healthy advice, but let me tell you, it works extremely well. Being a wall and/or being a constant emotional ball of pain are both unhealthy options.
Ummm... why do I get the feeling that Erin doesn't actually think about the girls from junior high all that much, other than to pull it out as an anecdote at parties during the "I was picked on in grade ___" - "no way, me too!" conversation? And that this was a good bit tongue-in-cheek?
What I read from her story was "see, even though it's painful right now, 15 or 20 years from now all you'll be left with is a story and a well-scarred-over, long forgotten wound, so know that this will pass and don't let it mess up your life, have some perspective".
Oh, and I agree with TW on the "Nerve is going downhill" and "you deserve better, Erin" points.
SGE....
Doh. My bad. I shoulda figured that the High School memory was maybe a bit tongue-in-cheek.
When I found out that my husband of 14 months had been cheating on me for 24 months, I was sick and hit the lowest depression I've experienced (probably the only depression for that matter). I lost 25 lbs in a month and cried constantly.
About 3 months later, I finally came to and realized that I had given him all my power. I had tried to break up with him a few months before the wedding and even accused him of cheating. Somehow I knew and also knew that I needed to leave. I let him talk me into carrying on with the wedding. It was a turning point for me. I let all that hurt and pain go and quickly became myself again.
I don't know if you had signals ahead of time but I suspect that you did. The lesson for me was that I need to trust my intuition. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't. Trust yourself.
KAF is right on. I've made the same mistake of not trusting my intuition in a situation that eventually became extremely difficult for me to deal with. There were signs, hindsight is 20/20, etc. The pain will pass in time.
@ Ken O'Brien commented "No matter how muc it itchs if you pick at a wound it never heals." So very true, a quote/thought I will remember, and use. But what's kinda cute is the two missing letters are HE. My missing he is definitely an itch, and a wound...
Three recommendations for getting over trauma / grief:
1. When you get into a funk, beating yourself up or going over and over certain conversations or moments, imagine instead that a good friend is in a similar situation. Would you condone that friend dwelling on the bad parts, beating themselves up? Of course not - you'd console, commiserate, cheer up. So try doing that to yourself. It's really hard, but over time it gets easier.
2. Music. Make yourself a playlist of music that makes you happy, that distracts you from the trauma - funny, bouncy, silly, angry, whatever. Play it when you want to be cheered up. I also have a playlist of darker music for when I want to indulge in some self-pity.
3. I heartily agree with those who suggest writing. When my ex cheated on me, I wrote a series of letters - all the angry things I wanted to say - sealed them, and hid them away in a drawer. Suddenly those thoughts weren't banging around in my head anymore, at least for a while, and when they came back, I got out the pen and paper, wrote another angry letter. I thought perhaps I would open them at some point later, see how far I had come, be able to see the situation more clearly. But 10 years later, I haven't opened them, and don't ever plan to.
duck 'em.
i was a mean girl in high school, and we never had reasons. only insecurities.
it is nothing, just that you couldn't fit into whatever their menial social ladder agenda was, and that you are who you are today because of some dumb jealous middle school grievance.
i am about to fall in love with a boy a million times better than the last.
i say about to.
because that last one was a loveatfirstsightsixmonthsofstraightfucking and iloveyoubabybutthishurtssobad
don't speak her name. don't say a prayer for her.
say goodbye. write letters that you don't send, and for gods sake give the new one a clean slate.
I was involved in a tumultuous and long term affair for longer than I care to admit. I truly, truly believe that I had been VERY in love and would call him 'the love of my life' up to that point. It took me years to even really stop thinking of him like that. We weren't even really dating, either. It was back and forth for so so long and he'd keep me on the hooks, dragging me in when he needed a self esteem boost. It was by the far the most damaging thing I've gone through adn there wasn't even a traditional breakup or anything like that.
I still think about him every day and I'm now with the person that I absolutely consider the love of my life. It's a little prick, in passing, this weird grief that lives inside my bones that won't leave me.
Oh intuition. Mine is finely honed, yet I don't pay it enough attention. I know exactly when something's going on? I know by the tone of voice, the change in routine of phoning, the absent X at the end of a text. I know I know I know. So why, this last time did I not confront him? Funnily enough now that I have ended it I feel tremendous relief, as well as sadness and loss, but this time around I know it wasn't me, it was him. He is not all men. I'm just going to put it down to my bad luck and move on. It's the only thing I can do.
There are a lot of people in the world who, for reasons that remain mysterious to the rest of us, wake up one morning and decide that you're an enemy rather than a friend. They might pin in on some small detail: you liked the wrong band, you made a joke that fell flat. But really, they can't explain it to you, because they don't have any insight into it themselves. They just decided to hate you, simple as that.
Some people think it's a variant of sociopathy, others have different terms for it. Whatever you call it, it's a particularly insidious form of crazy, and only some adolescent suffers grow out of it. My guess is Erin got friend-dumped by a circle that included somebody like that. This person decided she couldn't stand Erin, and resolved to get rid of her. It was done gradually, which is unusual, but the outcome is the same. A few negative comments here, a few wrinkled noses there, and soon you're out.
It might be worth it to send a Facebook message to one of your old circle: "Say, I was wondering...it's always bothered me that..." But memories fade fast when you're not on the receiving end, and between sincere forgetting and insincere evasiveness, you might come up with nothing. Still, I'd like to read about it if you get any replies.
Dear Miss,
So much writing!! What are these folks so up in arms about?
The point is this:
You are Hot!! You are scorching!! I want you!! I want to be with you!1 Lets get together and feel alright!!
Pitter patter, pitter patter. (My heartbeat)
Muah.
Call me.
I'm so touched by a lot of these comments, and I haven't even experienced something like what PT and Erin wrote about. I love the nerve.com community! Will say, in regard to Erin's anecdote, there is a fantastic This American Life from the first few months it aired, back in 1995 or 1996, called "Enemies." It's this heartbreaking story of two young boys' friendship, falling-out, then revisiting the experience as adults and what they do and don't remember and what has become of them. It's therapeutic for every childhood friendship you've ever had, I promise. Find it!
I'm going to try ri's recommendations. Thx!
Wow, I can't believe people think the middle school story is tongue in cheek. Don't we all still have scars from then?
Yeah heard and read all ! But here is what I have experienced.
First if someone says that a certain person (maybe Romeo) was the greatest of lovers, that person is wrong. Everyone loves all the same amount(if it is true love). Well she was with me everywhere and we had nothing hidden from each other, until I found that her Facebook profile is fishy. I got in and saw what killed me(or made me wish I died before saying that). She doesnt know the days I passed after she "kindly" said I am going. Please be a little wise and try to guess what I went through. I lost myself and my life after her leaving. "Dead but breathing, thus worse than dead !". 3 months in hell on earth ! but one "lucky" and "kind" day in my life... I thought, yes simply "thought", thought that why but why ? should I be in this form. she IS GONE ! and I cant describe how damn easily I felt different. I let "it" "go"..! yeah let it go.and trust me it took me 4 months to get back to life and I started by getting introduced to my family with whom I had lived ALL my life in the same place. It was tough a little for me too for the first few weeks. But now... trust me I dont know that damn beautiful rich model(who was the only one I loved in life). Yep I dont care even if I know her name and remember her face.
Please dont call me lucky or brave... I did pay a big price.I even forgot my Facebook password hehe!. But hey "Let it go" Its simple and nice !
Post-Traumatic:
HOW YOU'RE FEELING IS PERFECTLY REASONABLE. HOW YOU'RE FEELING IS PERFECTLY REASONABLE. HOW YOU'RE FEELING IS PERFECTLY REASONABLE.
Repeat 10x daily.
That said, I've never been cheated on. My boyfriend was cheated on by his ex that he was with a year before meeting me. It took him like, 6 months, 1000 shots of whiskey, and sleeping with two of her good friends to get over it.
When he did get over it, he realized that he would never in a million years want that girl back, but he couldn't get over her because it made him question HIMSELF. It made him wonder what was so wrong with him that he wasn't enough for her. In the end, he chalked it up to the fact that they didn't really have a whole lot of common ground and that she's not a very good person. It had nothing to do with him, because honestly, any guy that's good to her, she feels she has to demean in order to feel good about herself (she's actually a friend in my wide circle of friends too, so I don't harbor anything against her, because she can be the sweetest, most caring girl if she wants to be). She now worships the ground of a guy who's a compulsive liar and makes him really tall tales like being a cousin of a certain NFL qb who won the superbowl this year.
It had NOTHING to do with him or his shortcomings, the issue lied within the cheating ex. He no longer cares why she did it or why he was cheated on, because either way, it was still a problem with her, not him. He has definitely moved on, but until you reach a point where you truly feel you're past this, it's not fair to any new girl in your life. Honestly, you may become attached to this new girl and may become dependent on her reassurance, but you cannot be free to fall in love her until you're this. Wouldn't you rather be someone she deserves to fall in with instead of a shell of the guy who got his heart stomped on? Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want a woman who wasn't over a past breakup and thought about it every day?
ARE YOU CHEAT ME ? YOU THE LOSER RIGHT NOW YOU FUCKED UP EVERY , AND YOU MISS UP THE PLAN SO I DON'T KNOW HOW TO KEEP IT INSIDE MY HEART OK FEW QUESTIONS ... ARE YOU STILL HATE ME?? AND I DID NOT DO ANY THING TO YOU SO YOU ARE THE FIRST OF ALL THESE PROBLEMS
YOU HAVE TICKLER ??I'M SURE
SRRY THATS MY NEW POEM !!!
♥♥♥
I'm in love with a man who's not over every other girl who fucked him over before I came along. He says things like "Women are horrible, vindictive creatures most of the time." I, the card-carrying feminist, hate that I love him.
And I ended it three months ago. I'm still not over it, and hey, there may have been a relapse between us since then... you know, maybe. About a month before the end, I came to two realizations roughly simultaneously: 1) I love him and 2) I've got to end it because he's never going to get over his shit (among other reasons, but really even those reasons lead back to his bitterness).
So now *I'm* hurt. By chicks I never knew who did shit I would never do. And we have a lot of friends in common because we were friends first, so I'll always kinda know what he's up to. And the friends who introduced us have split up due to cheating, which just reinforces his Great Wall of Bullshit.
No one's saying it's easy to get over the hurt, but no one would say that because we've ALL been hurt. Whether you choose healing (through therapy, a lot of the excellent advice some others have offered here, or some other non-destructive manner) or retreating into your bitterness, is totally up to you. Whatever you do, I urge you to cause the least amount of pain possible for this new woman. What happened to you isn't her fault.
And, in the paragraph above that begins with "So now *I'm* hurt...." I should clarify that the friends who are splitting up are doing so due to HER chronic cheating.
I broke up with a guy about 3 months ago, because he couldn't stop thinking about his cheating ex. I was completely in love with him and I even felt a lot of sympathy for the pain he was going through. The problem was that he wouldn't commit to me, because he claimed that he was still too hurt and angry over his last relationship. I didn't expect him to not have feelings about his ex, but I did expect him to respect our relationship and to treat me well. He couldn't even promise me that he wouldn't date other women. Instead he would "reassure" me that he imagined that we would be a real couple in the future. I guess I'm now of the opinion that it's not okay to be partially in a relationship. If you're too hurt to date, then don't date. But, if you meet someone wonderful, then treat her like she's wonderful with the knowledge that your pain over your ex will dissipate over time. I've missed my ex every day since we broke up and I still love him. I probably would stupidly take him back, but not if he is in the same emotional state as before. No matter how hurt you are, it's not okay to let that hurt become a destructive force in your new relationship. But, if you cherish your new girlfriend, then that's all that really matters.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 and a 1/2 yrs less than 2 months ago. He was never good for me, even from the beginning, but I regret breaking up with him. He was dating someone else when I started dating him, he even slept with her after we had been dating for 3 months. The only way I found out was because SHE called me and told me. Everything was OK for a while, about 8 or 9 months, and then he started being really evasive, not calling me or texting me or anything. I found out that he had slept with ANOTHER girl and gotten her a cell phone on his account. I saw text messages between the 2 of them, where he called her sweetie, etc. He was always talking about other girls, he went to "swing clubs" behind my back, more than once. So the last time I learned about the swing club, I told him that I was moving in with my daughter. Mind you, he had a SERIOUS pot smoking problem at the time. He said ok, even mentioned marriage, but then once we moved in, our relationship started to fall apart. Our sex life was always sporadic, he never was very affectionate and since I didn't trust him because of all that he had done, I would snoop on his computer. He had gone through the casual encounters and adult section of Craigs list. He also had a serious self esteem issue, so I think whatever attention that he got from any other girls he wanted. He's not that great looking, but I loved his parents and his dog A LOT. I miss his dog actually. He pulled me into his world of drugs and alcohol, even though I have a daughter, he was my number one priority. He could be very sweet, and I feel like he loved me in his own weird way. Anyway, the other day I saw him out and there was another girl in his car. Plus I have heard that he has quit smoking weed and drinking FOR HER. I am devastated because I feel like I dealt with his crap and she gets to reap the benefits of it all. Everyone keeps saying that he hasn't changed, people don't change that quickly, but I think he has, and I know she is getting the best of him. It REALLY hurts. I really miss him, and everything reminds me of him. I am trying to date and move on, but I don't think I am prepared to. I just keep thinking about them going out to eat, movies, walks in the park, etc and having sex which makes me want to vomit. I know he was toxic for me, but why does she get to reap the benefits of me dealing with all the crap? I don't feel like I will ever be over this.
it sucks. its been a year and i still cant get over my ex, i wonder if i will ever be that crazy in love way again. i miss the feeling.
HwNiV5 I am getting married on the 15th of November. Congratulate me! Then will be here rarely...
Yeah� I read and I understand that I do not understand anything what it is about:)))
Sent the first post, but it wasn`t published. I am writing the second. It's me, the African touristtt
Author, Shoot yourself a knee!!!
However, the author created a cool thing!!!
Cool! You have answered. I'll take a quote! The meaning of life and everything else. Decided. No kidding...
The text is promising, will place the site to my favorites!!!
Post Trammatic,
It blows man. Theres not easy answer accept that you're a smart hardworking guy and you have to take pride in the fact that you're in a better spot now with a better woman. Sure we'd all love to be able to be with the new 'better' woman and be still able to have that satisfying fling with your not as good ex... but that’s ridiculous and we don't live in that fantasy land.
You gotta let go of the ex.
I tried working out like crazy. That cleared my mind but didn't really help.
I tried hooking up with girls just for the sake of it. Nope that was just plain too much work.
Then I found a new girl that I really respected way more then my ex. That helped a ton. She wasn't as sexy or nearly as freaky but those are not good reasons to love a woman anyway. I never loved my ex in the first place I was probably just more addicted to her.
Then I made a major breakthrough. I figured out that bringing back old neglected motors and hearing them ring to live after a little bit of work was almost as rewarding as the excitement of my crazy ex. I worked on anything boat motors, motorcycles, weed wackers whatever I could find. The project was awesome. Then hearing that Whaaaaaaaaaaaa of the motor running was even better.
Bam all of a sudden I had a new classier girl and a new hobby that I was totally stoked on. My new girl loved watching me fix the motors too. It worked well at releasing my mind from all that crap about my ex that was stuck in there.
Find something you truly love to do and do it a ton. That 'll help you forget about your ex, and trust me shes not worth your thoughts anyway.
ash the pursuit of goal which simply requires the pursuit of other goal which the swift course of time will render as insubstantial as the mist...
Aah*
Now you say something