Miss Information is on spring break. Until then, why not check out this week’s "Best Of," send your romantic queries to firstname.lastname@example.org, or pre-order her her upcoming book on Amazon? She’ll be back next week, rested and ready with an all-new column.
Dear Miss Information,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about four months now, but most of the time I can’t get her off. We’ve talked about it on several occasions but nothing has changed. Last week I borrowed her computer and accidentally found that she has been watching porn. I thought this was great until I realized a pattern: the entire history (several weeks) was entirely female-masturbation porn. There wasn’t a single guy in any of the porn she was watching. My question is… does this imply that she is gay? — Confused and Frustrated
Dear Confused and Frustrated,
Oh shit, did you accidentally hit the CTRL-ALT-View Several Weeks of Browsing History button again? I hate it when that happens. Don’t worry, I’ve phoned Bill Gates. He’s working on a Windows system patch right now.
Is it possible that your orgasm-challenged girlfriend is watching these vids so she can get better at masturbating? Granted, it wouldn’t be the most direct method, nor the most helpful. Most porn stars wield dildos like toilet brushes and pummel at their clits like they’re angrily texting somebody. OMG wTF. Y Did U DO THAT?! F YOU F YOU FYOU OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!
A lot of straight girls like porn that features females. Being gay doesn’t have to be the reason. Mainstream porn tends to have a lot more female nudity than male nudity. There’s a bigger selection of female actors and they tend to get a lot more screen time. You also have to consider social conditioning. In addition to the bazillion sexualized images of females for every one of males, we’ve been taught that naked female equals hot and naked male equals hilarity. Maybe your girlfriend is just turned on by these videos because that’s what she’s used to, or maybe she’s never thought about being with a girl before and finds the taboo intriguing. It’s very likely she’ll get bored and move on to something else just like I did.
How is the relationship otherwise? Do you guys get along? Is there romance, affection, emotional intimacy? Does she seem committed to the relationship — as much as you can be at four months — or does she seem distant? If everything else is cool, I would focus on bettering your communication and let go of the gay hypothesis. Keep in mind some people are fine with not orgasming 100% of the time. You can still enjoy sex without the muscle contractions. Back off a bit. Rather than pressuring her, give her a chance to tell you what she needs.
Dear Miss Information,
I’m a twenty-two-year-old girl fresh out of a relationship. I’ve been in various long term relationships for the past five years, with little time between them.
I know I’m young and that I need to be single for a while. I just don’t know how to be single. Can you tell me how it works? How do I stop myself from jumping into relationships with every awesome guy that comes my way? How should I pace myself meeting new people? Most importantly, how am I going to get laid if I don’t want to nail strangers? — Fleeting Single
Dear Fleeting Single,
There are two kinds of people: serial monogamists who jump from one long-term relationship to another and the persistentally single bachelor or bachelorette. The Relationshipers are good at opening up, sharing their emotions, and being vulnerable. The Solo Artists are good at entertaining themselves and looking after their own needs first. A Solo Artist is skilled at self-soothing, a terms typically associated with raising babies. It means letting a child calm themselves down during late-night crying fits without relying on their parents. It’s a painful process, learning to self-soothe as an infant, but it’s an important skill to learn, especially for when you’re a single adult.
In order to be single and stay single, you need to be able to go through the whole spectrum of moods without having someone around to comfort or be elated with you. You might think you already know how to do this: I’m not needy. I don’t get jealous. Ex-boyfriends don’t call me psycho. But I have news for you, Fleeting Single: being self-reliant in a relationship is not the same as being self-reliant alone.
It’s natural to want to be in love. Don’t feel bad about that. Shame is a shitty motivator. The goal is to find what habits — changes, activities, ambitions — will help you, over time, feel happy even when you’re not part of a couple.
Committing to being single doesn’t mean sex is out of the question. There are a ton of nice people who want to get laid but aren’t looking for relationships, and I’m not talking about the type that post close-ups of their glans on Craigslist. Ask your friends to make some introductions, hit some meat-market bars, or try an old ex who’s open to having fun but isn’t a drama risk.