Advice

Miss Information: I slept with a virgin. Am I stuck with him?

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Miss Information

Dear Miss Information,

I was madly in love, until I was dumped seventeen days ago. I felt like it came out of nowhere; since my ex dealt with depression, I didn’t think his moodiness had anything to do with "us." I’m not over him. I fantasize about winning his love and being in a relationship with him again.

Here’s where I fucked up: in the meantime, I slept with a virgin who now wants to show me off to his friends. I’m not ready to have a new boyfriend, but he said he feels "dishonest" if he can’t put his arm around me in public. I liked spending time with him, but was clear from the first day we went out that I was only interested in a platonic relationship. I thought that I was safe from stumbling into couplehood, since I cried about my ex to him and told him flat-out that I wasn’t not very attracted to him because he resembles a catfish. But he has many redeeming qualities and makes me feel sexy. I know I slept with him in a lapse of both judgment and self-esteem. Should I be the asshole who doesn’t want to hang out after sex? I was stupid. — Stupid Stupid Stupid 

Dear Stupid Stupid Stupid, 

You know who else looks like a catfish? Johnny Depp, though something tells me I’m alone on this one. Whiskery bottom-feeder or no, it’s time to cut bait. You are less than a month out of a relationship, one where you got dumped on your ass, out of the blue and are in no position to be venturing out again in high heels and party frocks. 

The evidence? Your choices. Why would you sleep with a virgin when you don’t want to be in a relationship? Why would you sleep with someone who makes you feel sexy when you don’t find him sexy? It’s like throwing a sushi dinner and buying all your ingredients at the dollar store. "I used mostly non-dented cans of Molly’s Mock Artificial Krab and Taystee Boy Tuna. I didn’t mean for anyone to projectile vomit."

In fairness, a sensible person doesn’t hang around while his crush talks about someone else. Nor does he hand over his virginity to someone who compares him to a fish. You may be saying one thing and doing another, but he’s just as guilty for ignoring your obvious signals. Why did he do it? Because he really, really likes you. Love makes people dopes like that, just like it’s making it hard for you to dump Virgin Boy: you need the ego boost he provides because you’re still sprung on your ex. 

But people aren’t tools. (Except maybe Tea Party members and anyone with the last name Lohan.) We can’t use them for our purposes and then discard them, even if they’re offering themselves up like a box of Kleenex. Ovary up and dump him. That’s not being an asshole. To the contrary, selfishly trying to avoid a confrontation is being an asshole. Sit him down for a talk, apologize for leading him on, and then give those words weight by ending the daily hangouts. Believe it or not, I could see this blossoming into a beautiful booty-call situation if you can both muster up some willpower and let it rest for awhile. 

Dear Miss Information,

My fiancé and I are both twenty-nine and have been together for more than five years. He doesn’t want to get married until homosexuals can get married. While I admire and respect his stance, I’d like to get married while I’m still young. I got insecure about it and asked if this was an excuse to not marry me. He assured me it wasn’t, and even suggested we start a family. I would also like to start a family, but I want to be married first. Maybe I’m just vain and selfish for wanting to be young and childless at my wedding. But I don’t see gay marriage being fully legalized any time soon.

His older sister is a lesbian and it kills him that she does not have the same rights as him. I’ve considered asking her to give him her blessing, but I feel like I would be stepping over some brother/sister bond there. She knows he will not marry until she can. Would I be out of line talking to her about my feelings and asking her for this? — Bride on Hold 

Dear Bride On Hold,

You could stay together and not get married, as a testament to your commitment to the cause. But I think a better way to demonstrate that commitment would be to go ahead and have a wedding, but in lieu of gifts, request donations to your favorite same-sex-marriage organization. You could also hire a gay officiant, have his sister read a statement at the wedding, or agree that for every hour you spend on wedding hoopla, double that time will be spent volunteering on behalf of gay marriage. I don’t mean to sound callous, but if you stay unmarried, I don’t see the world taking notice. Maybe if you were Prince William, or one of Barack Obama’s daughters. Even still, direct action beats passive action. Vegetarians shouldn’t give up eating just because McDonald’s is still open.

Politics aside, there’s still the question of how to approach it with his sister. Do you ask his permission to speak with her about the issue, or do you just plow forward? I guess it depends on how close you are with her, and how you think he’d react if you went around him. Getting permission is the most respectful course of action, but you have a right to talk to her even if he doesn’t want to allow it. Open up a dialogue with her. You both love the same guy, so you should have a lot to talk about.

Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.