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January 31, 2011
Miss Information
I'm a college girl with unusual needs — needs that probably can't be fulfilled on this planet. Who can I tell?
By Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email missinfo@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I am a twenty-ish virgin in a college where you can't even sit in the most isolated spot of the library without hearing a sexually explicit conversation going on nearby — in other words, they are unavoidable on campus. I keep hearing people talk trash about unusual fetishes, such as furryism, rape-fantasy, and Japanese pornography in general.
I always end up feeling isolated and alone among my peers while hearing them talk that way about what people find sexually appealing, because I have loved monster-on-girl hentai (Japanese anime porn) and pornography like it for many years. I am rarely attracted to people — hell, I've been drooling over partially-decayed zombies, horror-movie villains, demons of all sizes, and tentacled beasts violating somewhat-willing girls since middle school!
Only one person in my life knows of my fetish, and she's a friend with mutual tastes. Since she is more open and honest than me, she doesn't care if she makes a lewd comment about a monster in a horror movie in front of others, but her other friends (even our mutual ones) verbally chastise her for it every time. I accepted myself and my strange tastes a long time ago, and am proud of being a monster-loving-girl, but is it something I should be open about with my friends and future boyfriends, or is it something I should keep to myself and my monster-loving friend?
— Zombie Lovin' Chick
Dear Zombie Lovin' Chick,
First-off, to each their own. Tentacles do it for you? Totally fine. Monsters? A-OK.
The red flag that I see here is "I am rarely attracted to people." In the actual world, people are just about your only option. You can dress them like the undead or buy them silicone tentacles to flap around, but they're still people, and there's no way to get around that. Don't retreat so far into these alternate worlds that you miss out on actual connections with actual boys, girls, or some combination thereof. I promise humans are weirder and more complex than anything hatched on an alien planet.
Here's the thing about sharing fetishes: though there's no shame in (most of) them, sharing them will usually elicit a "whoa." With a partner, as with a friend, think about your fetishes as information they have to earn. Would you tell your assigned lab partner that you really just want to be tied up and called "Princess?" Probably not. But you could definitely tell a close friend who's established herself as a grade-A badass and an open-minded, supportive type. As you would with any sensitive information, you've just got to be mindful about whom you trust. The same thing goes for any hot nerd you drag back to your lair. If you decide to open up, do it bit by bit, and ease him into it.
The bad news is this is not the kind of thing you can spring on a random hook-up. The good news is that it's not that uncommon, and you'll certainly find someone who's dying to help you out. So turn off the computer and make new friends. It's like they say: you have to kiss a few frogs before finding a mutant frog with laser vision and fourteen phalluses.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm a twenty-four-year-old guy, a week out of a six-year-long relationship with the only girl I've ever loved. I feel like shit. I drag myself to work and drag myself home, but I'm in a fog and I don't know what to do. She and I lived together, and she's still in the process of moving her stuff out — so even once I get home, I'm surrounded by reminders that she's not there and that it's over. My friends don't know how to deal with my moping — honestly, I think it makes them uncomfortable — so they tell me I need to go out and get laid. I really can't stomach the idea at all. But I also can't tell them how badly I'm hurting, because all they'd do is buy me a beer or change the subject. I'm writing to you, Miss Info, because I'm at my wit's end. All I want to do is curl up and cry. And even typing that is really embarrassing me. How do you get over a catastrophic life change? Thank you.
— Heartshattered
Dear Heartshattered,
Every cliché ever written about heartbreak is true. It takes time. It builds character. It's your party — you can cry if you want to. It sucks horribly, but you can take (cold) comfort in the fact that it's a galvanizing force, and it will make you better/faster/stronger, and soon you'll be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
But what about the interim?
Here's the best roadmap I can give you. For the first three-to-four weeks, do whatever you want. Pajamas by 5pm? Excellent. Marathon of Hoarders with a pint of Häagen-Dazs? High five. By week five, though, you need to start pulling it together... in baby steps. Is there something cool you never got to do that you really want to? Now's your chance. Take a cooking class, go to the library, get yourself out of the house and into the world by any means necessary. There's some degree of "fake it 'til you make it" here. Ramp up the social commitments (drinks with coworkers, movies on the weekend, dinners out) bit by bit, but schedule in down-time to check in with yourself and how you're feeling. The more attuned you stay to that, the faster your healing will be.
Do you have a brother, father, aunt, any more nurturing influence you can talk to? Beers and subject-changing have their place, but find at least one person you can lean on without judgment or fear of awkwardness. I'm flattered you thought of me, Heartshattered, but I'm just one girl with an email address (and a lactose intolerance, so you're on your own with that Häagen-Dazs). Find someone who will answer your three-a.m. calls and respect you in the morning.
A note on self-medication, too: don't do it. It will only prolong the suffering. This means binge drinking, whatever drugs you're into, and casual sex. Your friends' insistence you "go get laid" is good-hearted but pretty much the worst idea possible. The more time you spend distracting yourself, the less time you spend healing your wounds. You're going to have to do some intense self-care sooner or later, and no amount of Jäger shots or cute girls will change that.
The moral is, the most acutely shitty situations in life often engender the best change — it just takes awhile. Box up your ex's stuff, take a nap, take up Jazzercise, and move on. It will suck, but try to see it as growth, not as destruction.
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Commentarium (40 Comments)
most empowering break-up advice i've ever read.
To Heartshattered: I feel for you because it sounds like this one was for real. You lost someone you loved, and you're grieving intensely -- most people you'll talk to just don't know how to deal with that kind of emotion, even though it must be common. Know that your feelings are real and valid, and respect them. Ice cream doesn't cure this, and feeling it doesn't make you weak. I guess the only advice I can offer is this: never expect to be completely over this, and be proud of that; go on and get better, but with this experience inside you.
Break-ups fucking suck like hell. But at the bottom of it, it DOES get better. Unless you're an 18th century poet or something. Because those guys had issuesss.
But for the rest of us humble folk, especially those of those cohabiting.. pain is temporary and crying your eyes out will eventually subside as you carve out your own partner-free niche. And then comes the fun...
Re: Dee
I guess that's the problem -- why doesn't anyone take his or her feelings seriously unless he or she is an 18-century poet? Why, when you lose someone you love, are you told to eat some ice cream and get over it? Yes, the pain subsides, but it still forms you. That experience happened, it mattered, it was not a mistake, and it will continue to help form you for the rest of your life. You should respect that. Hopefully, when you are happy, you will be thankful for it. And no one should be made to feel ashamed for being in pain during a particular time and wanting to talk about it.
My advice to heartshattered is to not try to avoid the awful pain (even though it sucks utterly and completely). In these early stages, don't think that by distracting yourself, you're going to get better. You have to go through the pain to get over the pain - you can't go around it. Otherwise it's go just going to keep welling up to the surface over and over again, and you'll be at its mercy
It's no fun, but like Miss Info says, you'll be a better person for having faced it head-on.
Write stuff down in a journal too. That really helped me when my ass got dumped. It's a way of trying to make sense of your situation. Plus I think the process of writing your feelings down makes it less likely that these feelings will keep swirling around (and repeating themselves) inside your head. They've been externalized (they're written down on a page outside of you)
The anonymousdoofus there has some solid advice - finding an outlet to express all that is valuable.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082933/ zombie lovin chick would like this flick.
Heartshattered, it does get better....Just know that the pain is a legitimate feeling, reflective of something real, something that mattered. That's okay. Don't pretend it isn't there: try to work on just sitting with it, accommodating it, realizing that it is with you and it will eventually diminish. When I got dumped from a very meaningful, significant relationship, I started meditating and it helped a lot. Just sit and try to clear your mind, and gently push away the sad thoughts and pain. It can give you a lot of inner power, to realize that you can deal with sadness and at the same time sit quietly and be okay. (I also exercised a lot: endorphins are a great high.)
I also concur with the "fake it till you make it" advice from MI. I started meeting new people through groups, did online dating, just things to keep me from dwelling on the past and wallowing; then that sadness became one component of my life, not the sole emotional experience. Just like the meditation, my going out and doing those things also reminded me that there is a lovely world out there, and I was strong enough to handle it on my own and see what might be around the next corner.
Anonymousdoofus is right in suggesting that Heartshattered not avoid the pain.
Curling up with comfort (PJs, ice cream, a fluffy pet, etc.) is still good for temporary relief of recent-break-up symptoms, but that's all that it is: temporary.
The pain from a break up that happened last year still lingers for me, and I found the greatest thing in helping me deal was having a network of support (online and offline) that was unconditionally willing to listen to me mope. If finding people to talk to face to face is hard, try reaching out to people online who have something in common with you whether it be regarding the recent break up/relationships or something you are just generally interested in. Lots of people online are willing to listen, and you get the added benefit of also being able to treat the exchanges like open journals. You get your thoughts out and people may read, respond, and support you.
Just to add onto what Anonymousdoofus said, during the first bit of a really hard break-up last year, I wrote a few letters to my ex (but never sent them). That way I got to say what I needed to say but didn't end up calling/texting/messaging him awkwardly. For me at least, it was cathartic and it really does help you to process what you're feeling a bit more objectively.
There's a country music song from about 15 years ago, "You can feel bad if it makes you feel better." So, no shame in that.
It's been a week, dude. It's going to hurt like hell for a while. There's not much you can do about it. I will also recommend exercise, AND rotate your friends. The 2 times I got badly dumped by people I thought were going to be my forever-after, I made sure that I never complained to the same person more than once in 2-3 weeks. I allowed myself to cry and talk every day, but it had to be to a different person each time. That way, you get what you need (pouring your heart out), but you don't alienate/bore your friends.
The other thing that I will tell you is that yes, you are going to mope for about 3-6 weeks initially, but after that, you're going to get... bored. It will still hurt just as much, and you will still cry very, very easily, but you'll kind of get bored with the pain. Suddenly, the dirty house will just be too much, and you'll take the next 2 days cleaning. Then you'll go to work all prepared and shit because you were tired of moping and decided to get ahead on the day, instead.
Basically, you will be immobilized with pain until you aren't.
I'm sorry, it sucks. We know. Good luck.
Zombie girl, get yourself a b.f. that's crazy about you, share that you're into roleplaying, and make the first role-playing as tame as fits...he's a zombie in makeup attacking you, a villain attacking you, etc. Ramp it up as appropriate. Who knows, maybe that'll also become his preferred way of sexually relating to you. If not, you can at least fulfill the occasional fantasy. If this part of your life is really critical to you, shop around amongst "alternative" type guys. Find a guy that's no stranger to dressing/acting different...whether he's an actor, into cosplay, Goth, a LARPer, etc. Somewhere out there is a cosplayer who's dying to be the monster to your willing flesh.
A rule of thumb my best friend gave me not very long ago: take a week for every year you were together, and for that amount of time you're allowed to do whatever you need to do to get through it. Besides maintaining basic functions, like keeping your job, allow yourself to hide, cry, stay in bed all weekend, whatever. It's important to nurture yourself however you can during this time: make sure you eat, try to sleep enough, get out in the sunshine if at all possible. You won't be able to function at your normal level for a while, so just recognize that and don't beat yourself up about. After your week-for-every-year grace period, you can start thinking about what you can gather that's positive from that experience, and then what comes next. Just start. It takes a while.
Honest, heart-felt, reality-coated advice to Heartshattered. Fantastic!
A lot of great advice so far for Heartshattered...I really resonate with this letter because it very much reflects how I was feeling a year or so ago. Like many others, I understand the hopeless, helpless misery that comes after a break-up. Keep in mind, you're grieving a loss here - so this is completely normal. Do what you can to make yourself comfortable while you're wallowing through the worst of it. If it all possible, get her stuff out of your sight ASAP - your mind is probably already full of painful thoughts without any reminders. There's some good books out there on how to cope with painful situations, and I would try it even if you're not a big self-help person. Believe me, if you put in the work of moving through this loss (and it IS work) you will find that you're more resilient and stronger than you think. The experience will change you, but it can truly be for the better. Hang in there!
kudos to MI, aka Cait, and all the other solid advice by commenters (whoa, what kind of alternate dimension is this where internet commenters give good advice?)
The only two things I can add are: music and creativity. Sometimes listening to music can help you wallow - give you a fixed time to cry/rage/zone - and sometimes it can break you out of a funk. And funneling your energy into something outside of yourself was helpful for me - I did a lot of writing, letters to those I'd lost, just getting my feelings out of my head and onto paper temporarily kept them from rattling around constantly in my head.
However, I think it's also important to remember grief is insanely personal, and no one experiences it the same way - even when they are grieving over the exact same situation. So glean what feels right, feels useful, from this very excellent comprehensive list, and just keep breathing.
Some brilliant advice up top. Nice work! My recipe back in the day was a not so strict regimen of a) wake at 4A.M, turn on MTV and become unusually affected by hitherto disposable pop songs, b) a few SeaBreezes for breakfast, c) scour the world's literature for revelatory takes on life and love, c) inspired by (b) distill some thoughts into a journal/letters never sent, d) sit in the sun and at sun down, e) mix another sea breeze or two, f) prepare or outright buy a tasty indulgent meal - a nod to normality, f) watch any old crap on TV until feeling sleepy (maybe around 1AM) then go to bed, g) rinse and repeat. For some variation, try to schedule some company for (d) and (e) and gradually it does get better - it really does. Oh... and fit some Charles Bukowski into that reading time!
Fuck the pain away. Its a cliche but as Miss I. stated above, all the cliches are true.
God, Miss Information gives some fucking amazing advice. And consistently, too. Seal of approval!
When my fiancée and I broke up, I was an absolute mess. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, cried seven times a day (and as a het, alpha male type, that freaked a lot of people out), could barely get myself to work. What helped me was 1) no contact with the ex 2) surrounding myself with people who understood and supported my grief; ie talked to my best friend and my father all day every day, avoiding my beer-buying friends, and connecting with new people who knew what it's like to lose love, and 3) filling up my suddenly-empty life with as much good stuff as possible, even when I didn't feel like it: joined a climbing gym, took weekend trips to see dear ones, had dinner with colleagues almost every night, went into therapy, and hit the gym like it was my job. That's what helped me- it's now been four months, and I'm way further along in the grieving process, living my life fully and genuinely smiling a great deal of the time.
What works for you will be unique to you. My only advice: be good to yourself, and enrich your life, as much as you can. Spend your money on shit you like! Make new friends! DO get laid, as soon as you feel even a little bit ready. In a few weeks, the fog will start to clear, and you'll take a look around you and say, 'hey, I have a life, and it isn't so bad!'. Think of all the nice things the heartbroken you of today can do for the less-heartbroken you of a few weeks from now, and start doing them. Good luck! A lot of amazing people have been exactly where you are, and more will be yet, so you're in good company.
I have been there and it sucks. But I promise not forever. It does hurt like hell, that first serious heart break (mine came in my late 20's). The advice here has been all good. Especially the bit about no contact until you are totally over her and are happy to hear about her new boyfriend/husband. I'm sorry, but you just have to do the heartbreak time, and there's no getting around that. But yes, in a week or two, start making yourself do things. The fog will lift. You will not feel this bad forever, and one day, this girl will merely be a memory of someone you loved many, many years ago.
Why didn't someone tell Zombie Girl to stand up for her fetish?! I think it is nearly as messed up to let someone talk shit about a harmless fetish in a disparaging way as it is to sit there and listen to someone talk about someone who is retarded or has a disability. Stand up for what is right and safe, chances are someone in the group is just laughing along cause they're afraid of being criticized. Have some guts people! Geez~!
And in the process of standing up for yourself, someone is going to see what an awesome badass you are, and some motherf*ckin zombie is going to want to come and suck your face off. Do it! No pain, no gain. Put yourself out there and stand up for sexuality!
It sucks for so, so long. And then it sucks some more. The single best thing I've heard here, in my opinion, is to completely and totally surgically remove her from your life. Delete numbers, email, social networking, etc. Some of that isn't feasible with her moving out, but treat it like you are mourning her death and when you see her she is just a ghost that you must strongly ignore. Otherwise it is like trying to get over a cold while binge drinking and not sleeping.
Sorry to be long winded, but I just know what you're going through and I feel for you. I had a breakup that hurt so bad that my whole body ached and I felt like my chest was splitting open with pain. Not the cute, funny break up sadness that you see in movies. The real, unglamorous, sobbing, awful to be around, overly dramatic, wanting to die break up sadness cannot be covered enough in movies and books because it just fucking sucks.
You can do it! Sign up for something right now that is exciting. Book a trip to see a concert, surfing, hiking in a national forest, whatever. Keep setting things up for yourself that are a week or two weeks away so you have something to look forward to. You'll eventually start looking forward to life again. For the love of God, don't "fuck the pain away." Good luck.
My current boyfriend dated someone for SEVEN YEARS. They would break up, try to remain "friends" and then things would always slide back after about four months. When I met him, they were on their millionth break and I told him that I was out the door the minute they had a single moment of communication. This isn't how I treat communication with all exes, but they had such a toxic relationship and I knew from friends that it had made both of them miserable for years. We've been together for three years and he tells me every so often how grateful he is that someone stepped in and ended something that they couldn't. I think they got so caught up in living without each other that they didn't realize how much they didn't want one another.
Point of that story? It will definitely get better, but hurt more in the short term, if you completely cut her out of your life. It will never get better, but feel better in the short term, if you keep up communication, online stalking, or trying to see her places. Think long term, my man.
Best line ever: "It's like they say: you have to kiss a few frogs before finding a mutant frog with laser vision and fourteen phalluses." Might even be better than, "Congratulations! I got you a pinata shaped like a donkey!" I love you, Miss Information.
Well as Henry Miller said, "The best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature." Writing can be cathartic for some people, so give it a shot.
A "twenty-ish" virgin with a very active fantasy life who is
"rarely attracted to people" may just not yet be ready for sex.
Most likely the active fantasy life involving
impossible-in-the-real-world scenarios is a defense mechanism.
What exactly does "twenty-ish" mean? Is that 19, or is it 25?
I think the girl with the monster fantasies should turn the computer back ON, not OFF. The internet was practically invented for getting people with weird sexual needs together. She is likely to find a monsterlike guy in her very city, if not on her campus, but she needs to look where the monsters are hiding -- not just hope to hook up once a year on Halloween. Because it's a far cry from finding a guy who will occasionally wear a zombie suit and makeup to finding one who wants to do it all the time, and if this is what she wants, it needs to be out there in the open.
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