Advice

Miss Information: My fiancée recently lost fifty pounds – and I hate it.

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Dear Miss Information,

I am attracted to BBWs (Big Beautiful Women). My fiancée lost close to fifty pounds in anticipation of our wedding. We’re getting married in a few weeks and I find myself getting cold feet about the lifetime of monogamous (not to mention skinny-bodied) sex that lies ahead. My attraction to her has decreased significantly, and while I want to be supportive of this weight loss, I just can’t seem to fake it. I haven’t told her that her new body turns me off because I don’t want to make her mad. She’s getting all this positive feedback from everyone. Why ruin it? I’m not asking whether I should call off the wedding. I will love her no matter what her weight. I’m just asking how to cope with this change. — Missing Her Old Self

Dear Missing Her Old Self,

Try not to look at this as a loss. Look at it as an evolution. Marriage is often thought of as the beginning of boring sex. Now, just when things are supposed to get old, you’ve got a brand-new woman, exterior-wise, anyway. It’s like cheating, but without the consequences.

But I’d rather cheat with someone fifty pounds heavier. I know, Missing Her Old Self. But you might as well learn now that marriage is built on compromises. I’m sure your bride-to-be would rather be with someone who’s cheering her on and being more supportive. Losing weight’s a bitch. You think she doesn’t know that you don’t approve? Not saying something is saying something. Everyone thinks they’re a master at hiding their emotions but no one is. The truth leaks out in other ways: tone of voice, body language, facial expressions. I can tell what kind of mood my boyfriend is in by the way he leaves the shower curtain.

Change is difficult, and you’ve got two biggies going on at once: the until-death-do-us-part and your partner’s dramatically altered physical appearance. Sometimes one gets made worse just by virtue of it happening at the same time as the other, a kind of guilt-by-association. Are you taking this harder than you would be otherwise because of all the stress associated with the wedding?

Is there a way for you to flip it around and get curious about her new body? The way it looks, feels, and responds during sex? If that’s not doing it, come up with other ways to motivate your dick. Dig deep. There’s a lot more to sex than physical appearance. Now’s the time to explore other kinks. Is she more confident now? More willing to try something new? Take advantage of that.

Are you masturbating? Keep it up (ba-dum-dum), and remember that there’s no law against fantasizing during sex. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a cheater. I like to walk to work listening to Young Jeezy and pretend I’m on my way to a meeting with local gang bosses instead of a visual design and brand strategy review. Does that mean I’m a bad employee and a sociopath? As long as you get the job done and keep quiet about it, no one will have any complaints.

Readers, do you think it’s okay to think about someone other than your partner during sex? If so, are there any caveats? If no, why?

Dear Miss Information,

I have a crooked penis. It works like it’s supposed to and I’m happy with the size but I’m still embarrassed. I just got out of a long term relationship. We were both virgins when we met. She’s never complained but I’m worried the next girl I have sex with will find it weird or perhaps even painful. I’ve been reading about jelqing but it sounds like pseudo-science and possibly dangerous. Is there anything realistic and safe that I can do to correct it? — Curve Ahead

Dear Curve Ahead,

Why fix what ain’t broken? There’s a reason why Gonzo is my favorite Muppet. He (or more specifically, his nose) reminds me of a college boyfriend who had similar issues and I’m fully convinced that his penis’s gangster lean was what made the sex so fantastic. It took some getting used to visually but it more than made up for it with its ability to hit all the nooks and crannies.

You’re right to be skeptical of jelquing. For those of you not familiar or too lazy to Google, it’s the term given to a variety of "stretching, milking and massaging techniques" all intended to boost the size of the penis. Some say it works. Others say it’s bullshit. I’m not going to come down on either side but the laws of common sense and physics say it’s rarely a good idea to pull at something valuable and fragile. If I tug on a $100 bill, I won’t get a $1,000 bill. I’ll get a shredded mess no cashier in her right mind will take. (There’s also the word itself. Jelq. It sounds like the noise condensed soup makes when you plop it out of the can. How depressing is that log of congealed Cream of Mushroom?) Come on, Curved. You can do better. You don’t want your penis associated with that.

There are doctors who will perform surgery on people with Peyronie’s disease, if that’s indeed what you have. There’s also injections and prosthetics, but again, it’s not really recommended if everything’s functioning as it should and you can urinate, get erections, and have pain-free sex.

As far as explaining it to your next ladyfriend, I would wait until after the first kiss but before insertion to tell her that your penis comes with special features. My college boyfriend didn’t say anything about it. I had to bring it up, and I can’t say I endorse that approach. It’s your elephant (or maybe just the trunk?) in the room. You have to address it, even though you feel embarrassed. Tell her to give you a heads up if certain positions feel uncomfortable and that you’ll do the same. Don’t forget that oral might feel different for her, so easy on the pelvic thrusts until she gets used to the equipment. You don’t want her to gag.

We all have something that makes us different, so try not to be self-conscious. You have a curved dick, but the last guy she was with may have had a big gut or a birthmark or a lopsided ball sac. The fact that people pay good money for curved sex toys should be proof that this perceived flaw is in many ways an asset.

Readers, do you have a unique set of naughty bits? Ever been with someone a little left (or right) of center? Tell us about your experiences.