Advice

Miss Information: My girlfriend won’t let me go down on her. Is this a dealbreaker?

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My girlfriend won't let me go down on her. Is this a dealbreaker?

Dear Miss Information,

My girlfriend is taking a trip to New York City late next month. I can't go because of school and work obligations, so she decided to go with a friend of hers that I've never met. The friend is a guy, but he's gay, so my girlfriend sees no problem. I've never met this guy, and I already don't like him. Whenever they do anything together (every few years), they seem to have a little too much fun. Am I nuts for being upset that she is going on a vacation with another guy, sexual orientation notwithstanding? — Annoyed Boyfriend 

Dear Annoyed Boyfriend, 

Of course you're not nuts. A little insecure? Definitely. But anyone can be a relationship threat, penis or not. Case in point, what if she goes with a girl? What if that girl's a party girl who happens to be single? You think your girlfriend's not going to ride sidecar in the Great Dick Derby? In that light, the presence of a gay guy whom everyone will assume is her boyfriend might work in your favor. How likely is it that she'll get hit on at the Chelsea Jamba Juice or the men's dressing room at Diesel? 

If you're worried she'll be more flirty with him just because he's gay, you need to quit it. Either she knows the boundaries or she doesn't. Besides, what's so terrible about a little controlled titillation? You guys have been together a long time. Are you that insecure? Sometimes people need that little boost of sexual energy. Unless she's the last girl he dated before he switched sides, I wouldn't stress. Instead, ask your girlfriend about whatever's making you nervous (whether it's the sleeping arrangements, what they're going to do, or who they're going to see).

Don't go down the hole I've seen many a jealous partner fall into, which is to pretend everything's okay and then call every night at 2 a.m. to "say goodnight," which is really code for "check up on," and a precursor to a screaming match if she happens to be out having fun, instead of in bed wearing an ankle-length nightie. You can make this very hard on yourself, or you can put it in perspective and enjoy a couple of days of rare alone-time. I hope you do the latter. 

Readers, would you be jealous in this situation? Would any of you go so far as to ixnay the acationvay altogether? 

Dear Miss Information,  

My long-term girlfriend has always been a little inhibited, but lately she's become interested in coitus only. For a lot of guys, this might be a dream, but for me this creates a problem, because there's nothing I enjoy more than lavishing oral affection upon a beautiful woman. It's the only time in my life that I feel I become part of something larger than myself. I live to know that sweet intimacy and to feel that sense of belonging. We've talked about it before and she's half-heartedly agreed to try to be more receptive, but it never seems to take. I don't blame her if it's not her thing. But, while it might be selfish, this is my most important sexual need — and I have to ask myself, is it something I can live with sacrificing for the rest of my life? — Half Sexed 

Dear Half Sexed, 

That's a question you're going to have to decide for yourself, Half Sexed. I'm not going to say you have permission to cheat just because your girlfriend won't let you go down on her, or that an open relationship is the obvious answer. Your letter doesn't go into whether or not you guys have even discussed that, but to hear a man describe cunnilingus as "something larger than myself" fills my feminist heart with joy. If you do decide to leave your girlfriend, I'm sure you can write one hell of a personals ad. 

The only help I can give you is to recommend you keep communicating and keep trying different tactics. Not just foreplay, but during play. Maybe she's not into the way you perform oral sex, but the fact that you're wearing a "GO TEAM VAGINA!" jersey and waving a pennant with big tongue on it makes her afraid she'll break your heart if she says it.  

I'd also lower your expectations. Be content that she even lets you between those thighs. If moans and groans are mandatory, then put on some porn or have some music playing in the background. It's not ideal, but it's a compromise. We all do that kind of stuff when we're committed to our relationships.  

Still having doubts? Start a pro/con list and see where you land. Is this the only issue with you two? Would you consider yourselves deeply emotionally attached? Are you willing to sacrifice everything else for this one thing? Only you know the answer. 

Hey readers, what sex act, if any, is so important to you that you can't be in a relationship without it?