Advice

Miss Information: My girlfriend’s been watching all-girl porn–does that mean she’s gay?

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for about four months now, but most of the time I can’t get her off. We’ve talked about it on several occasions but nothing has changed. Last week I borrowed her computer and accidentally found that she has been watching porn. I thought this was great until I realized a pattern: the entire history (several weeks) was entirely female-masturbation porn. There wasn’t a single guy in any of the porn she was watching. My question is… does this imply that she is gay? Confused and Frustrated

Dear Confused and Frustrated,

Oh shit, did you accidentally hit the CTRL-ALT-View Several Weeks of Browsing History button again? I hate it when that happens. Don’t worry, I’ve phoned Bill Gates. He’s working on a Windows system patch right now.

Is it possible that your orgasm-challenged girlfriend is watching these vids so she can get better at masturbating? Granted, it wouldn’t be the most direct method, nor the most helpful. Most porn stars wield dildos like toilet brushes and pummel at their clits like they’re angrily texting somebody. OMG wTF. Y Did U DO THAT?! F YOU F YOU FYOU OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!

A lot of straight girls like porn that features females. Being gay doesn’t have to be the reason. Mainstream porn tends to have a lot more female nudity than male nudity. There’s a bigger selection of female actors and they tend to get a lot more screen time. You also have to consider social conditioning. In addition to the bazillion sexualized images of females for every one of males, we’ve been taught that naked female equals hot and naked male equals hilarity. Maybe your girlfriend is just turned on by these videos because that’s what she’s used to, or maybe she’s never thought about being with a girl before and finds the taboo intriguing. It’s very likely she’ll get bored and move on to something else just like I did.

How is the relationship otherwise? Do you guys get along? Is there romance, affection, emotional intimacy? Does she seem committed to the relationship as much as you can be at four months or does she seem distant? If everything else is cool, I would focus on bettering your communication and let go of the gay hypothesis. Keep in mind some people are fine with not orgasming 100% of the time. You can still enjoy sex without the muscle contractions. Back off a bit. Rather than pressuring her, give her a chance to tell you what she needs.

Dear Miss Information,

My “best friend” slept with the guy I wanted to be with. Yes, I’m putting her out on the front street about this… but this is the third time I’ve lost a good friend who had the hots for a guy I liked and decided to beat me to the punch. The dude was a creep, and it’s cool that I found that out through her skankiness (and not mine), but her betrayal still hurts. I value my friendships. I’d always been a loyal friend to her and bailed her out of trouble. People think I’m beautiful, but I have repeatedly gotten hurt by trying to take things slowly and do the right thing. So what’s with the Gossip Girl clichés with my best friends literally fucking me over? How am I consistently picking the wrong male and the wrong female friends? Since looks and good behavior apparently don’t count for everything, how can I get more aggressive without losing myself in the process? Betrayed By BFF (Bitchy False Friend)

Dear Betrayed By BFF,

Lose one friend, and it’s a betrayal. Lose more, and it’s a pattern, Betrayed by BFF. You admit to making bad choices, and that’s cool. It’s also very easy. It’s saying that there’s nothing that you, personally, are doing wrong. You’re just choosing the wrong people. Who wouldn’t want that as their only flaw? Beats my flaws, a partial list of which includes being neurotic, negative, weird about making plans, non-confrontational about stuff that matters (asking for a raise) and über-confrontational about stuff that doesn’t (someone cutting in line in front of me).

In your defense, I do believe you’re loyal, moral, and a girl’s girl. The kind of person I’d want to be friends with. But, I might have some reservations. I’d worry that you’d confuse having a crush with having a claim. You can like a guy all you want, but that doesn’t mean that there will be a mutual attraction. You can’t begrudge two people their chemistry. If I were you, I’d work on closing the window between when you let your BFF know you like someone and when you ask him out. Better yet, don’t even tell her. This isn’t high school, nor is it Nieman Marcus. You can’t put dudes on layaway. Expecting people to wait for your permission, to have them honor all these terms and conditions? It just sets you up for a lose-lose situation.

Finally, I’d worry that you’re too self-righteous. Gossip Girl may be an exaggeration, but it’s true that the world isn’t fair. People act in ways that are disappointing and bad things happen to people who don’t deserve it. More aggression isn’t the answer. I would try some introspection. What do all these situations have in common? Do you know anyone who doesn’t have this sort of problem? What could you learn from her? Like attracts like, Betrayed.