Not a member? Sign up now
November 1, 2010
Miss Information
Our new Miss Information fields your questions about open-relationship etiquette and seeing someone naked for the first time.
By Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email missinfo@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear readers,
I feel like the new girlfriend living in the shadow of the cool girl who just broke your heart. "Oh, these shoes? Heh, heh, hmm. I had no idea she had them, too." "Oh, what? I remind you of her in certain low lighting? That's... cool." "What's that? Her boobs were bigger? Uh, God, wow." Let's power through this awkward getting-to-know-you time, shall we? I can't take the sting away, but I can help you move on. I promise you I'm not without my charms.
My name is Caitlin; I grew up in Austin, Texas. I have a grab-bag of helpful skills, such as knowing how to say "monkey-fucker" in American Sign Language and "shut the fuck up!" in Icelandic. I never learned how to ride a bike. My birthday is the day before Valentine's Day, which obviously qualifies me to art-direct people's relationships. I believe chivalry isn't dead, but it should go both ways.
It's great to meet you, and I'm sure we'll be very happy together. You can read my blog here, if you're so inclined. And don't forget to email me your questions. Once the wounds have healed, of course.
Your date to see Jackass 3D,
Cait
Dear Miss Information,
At the ripe old age of twenty-four, I finally have my first boyfriend. Woo-hoo! We are completely in love with each other for being sexy hot esoteric nerds. He's been dropping hints that it would be really fun to shower together, or take a bath together, which I think would be great. The only thing is, this would be my first up-close, in-person experience with male anatomy (not counting Random Commando Dude who dropped his pants outside my bus one day). I am so scared and embarrassed at the thought of seeing him naked. Please help! — See Dick, Run?
Dear See Dick, Run?,
Congratulations on your foray into co-nudity. I am always thrilled to support hot nerd-on-nerd action, esoteric or otherwise.
Judging from your email, See Dick, you have all the right ingredients for a positive first sexual experience. "Completely in love?" Check. (Not technically a requirement, but certainly far better than "truck-stop-bathroom hookup.") Enthusiasm? Check. Clear sense of humor? A resounding check.
That last one is especially important, See Dick, because things are about to get weird. In a good way. This is a great, and too rarely discussed, thing about sex: it's filled with fumblings, mishaps, poorly placed elbows and knees, unexpected physical changes, and other sorts of "what just happened?" bloopers. Much of the time, it's not a dignified or graceful thing, and the sooner you embrace that, the happier you will be. If you and your partner can look each other in the eye and laugh when things go wrong, you're golden.
So, though you don't explicitly say it, I imagine the "scared" and "embarrassed" feelings are manifesting themselves as a question: what if I do something wrong? Despite Maxim's best efforts to convince us otherwise, sex goddesses are made, not born. You have to start somewhere, and you're at a tremendous advantage by having a positive, mutually fond relationship with your boyfriend. Ask questions. Experiment. Go nuts. (Pun accidental.)
One more thing: like a bear you encounter in the woods or a raccoon rooting through your garbage, it's entirely possible that he's more afraid of you than you are of him. He's probably nervous about pleasing you, too. Open up the lines of communication and keep the spirit light. Move gently and respectfully, and avoid sudden movements. And bang sticks together. (Okay, that part is bear-specific.) Remember that it's a time of exploration for both of you, and allow yourself the luxury of an open and inquisitive mind. And if you get soap in your eye, nearly choke on the shower water, or slip and have to catch yourself on the sink, that's not failure — as long as you're having fun, you're doing it absolutely right.
Dear Miss Information,
I am in an open relationship with a guy who is currently dating another girl, too. As far as he and I are concerned, everything is going really well. But his other lady doesn't play as well with others. She's apparently jealous that he is seeing another woman (or so he tells me), and she's constantly trying to sabotage our relationship. Whenever the three of us are hanging out together or whenever I run into her in social settings, she is superficially polite but looks for every chance to be passive-aggressive or derisive. Frankly, it's getting on my nerves. Part of me wants to just confront her and tell her to chill the fuck out, but I don't want to create more drama. Besides, catfights are so high-school. Should I just ignore her? Should I try to have a heart-to-heart with her? What do you think? — Why Can't We All Just Get Along?
Dear All Just Get Along,
It's simple: the shared partner (i.e. your boyfriend), has the responsibility to keep the peace between the people he cares about (i.e. you and Ms. Doesn't Play Well). He is the common link here, and thus, if he wants to keep you both happy, sane, and into him, he needs to take responsibility for smoothing over any possible discord. Also: modest necklines. (Yeah, I watched about two episodes of Big Love maybe three years ago. I'm pretty sure that qualifies me to speak with authority on the intricacies of partner-sharing.)
It sounds to me like your boyfriend is not only failing at his duties, but actively fanning the flames of your fighting. He's telling you that Ms. DPW is jealous? Then he's gossiping behind her back. If she's jealous, he and only he can assuage her insecurities — but rather than address that, he's taking a stance of "ladies be crazy!" and grabbing a beer to watch the fight. If I had to wager, I'd bet that he secretly loves the idea of the two of you vying for his affection. He's probably plotting to pour a bucket of water over both of you next time you're together, or figuring out how to provoke you both in a kiddie-pool full of red Jell-O, or contemplating a way to capture it on tape, so he can replay it on slow-motion and watch your hair fly as you claw each other's eyes…
Anyway, All Get Along, I call foul on your boyfriend's behavior. It sounds like he's not man enough for two women. Talk to him about it. Maturely and without mud-slinging (ohhh, he'd love mud-slinging), tell him that Ms. DPW's insecurities are affecting your relationship with him, and suggest that he talk to her. He owes it to her to listen, treat her with compassion and respect, and work with her to alleviate her fears. This is really in his hands.
As for what you can do, take a hard look at your behavior. I take you at your word that you're choosing the high road, but your language also suggests a lot of resentment. Make absolutely sure that you're not doing anything to make it worse: you're not baiting her, not sneering, not rolling your eyes. If you really are behaving yourself, then perhaps go one step farther and ask her out for coffee, boyfriend-free. Maybe you won't be best friends, but if she sees that you're making an effort, she may lighten up.
And in the meantime: both of you should probably avoid white t-shirts when your boyfriend is around. (Our girl Chloë Sevigny may have been onto something.)
Tags
First-Time Sex
Jealousy
Commentarium (57 Comments)
Hi Cait, nice to meet you. But can we go to Saw instead? ;)
So you're like that purple tentacle alien from Futurama, having to woo all of us at the same time. Don't worry, it may have hurt when Erin left us, but truthfully, we (as a collective) were only seeing her because she had a Nintendo Wii and didn't mind driving us to the airport.
You seen like an awesome gal (and this is coming from someone who once punched a wolf so hard it caught fire), but lets take things slow, get to know one another. Of course, we should get right into all the rampant sex.
So you're kinda like that purple tentacle monster from Futurama, having to woo all of us at the same time. Don't worry, even though it hurt when Erin left us, truthfully we (as a collective) were only seeing her because she had a Nintendo Wii and didn't mind driving us to the airport.
You seem like an awesome gal (and this is coming from someone who once punched a wolf so hard it caught fire), but lets take things slow, get to know one another. Of course, we should get started right away on all the rampant sex.
Punching wolves isn't any way to win a woman's heart. I love wolves :(
Double post, what a wanger.
Erin was funnier i miss her.
Nice AW. I'm glad you're going to judge cait's acceptability on her first feature. If you keep that state of mind and hold fast to it, I'm sure you'll continue to enjoy Nerve for eons to come.
I like Cait.
I thought your first go-round was hilarious, Cait. Ignore AW. Every village needs its idiot.
Welcome, Cait. I'm sure you'll find your footings as time goes by.
I liked Erin a lot, but I'm glad about Cait being the new columnist. It's refreshing, and so far she's funny and on-point.
i'm glad to read this column and not be irritated for once. good start, cait!
I like a gal who knows a lot about bear avoidance and sex. I say we keep Cait.
Never learned to ride a bike? To heck with Jackass, we need to go to the park before it gets too cold!
Good advice and entertaining - although the column did seem a bit too much like an audition (awkward first-time sex question? check. Open relationship jealousy question? check. All we needed was a break-up question for the trifecta).
Erin was fabulous and made me proud to be a Spartan, but Cait seems like she's got game. I think she'll be splendid. Hear that, Cait? Be welcome and be splendid. Not to, like, put more pressure on you or anything.
Welcome, Cait, great first column, though I'll expect you to pick harder questions next time! ;) As for All Get Along, if this is a truly open relationship, that means you should be able to date other guys, too, right? Imagine you hooked up with some hot guy you met while your boyfriend was out with his other girlfriend, and he started acting jealous of that other guy in your life. What would you do? That's pretty much what your boyfriend should be doing.
Cait, this just feels right. Can't wait for the ride!
I'm diggin' the Cait.
Can't wait to send you thinly veiled personal questions!
She did great, I need a cigarette. My only suggestion/request is to SHARE that Icelandic knowledge - don't just flaunt it in front of us!
I approve of this Cait person.
GO CAIT!!!!!!! YEAH, CAIT!!!!!!!!!! RA RA RA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi, Cait. Bad advice on the open relationship. This isn't just a group of friends talking trash about each other. When one member of an open relationship tells one of the others that the third is feeling jealous, that is just good communication. There is s different set of needs and rules at work among 3 people in this situation as opposed to 3 people who simply happen to be acquaintances. But I'm really pulling for you with the next column, doll.
I for one welcome our new Cait overlordess. Liked the first response. Stopped the reading the second question at "open relationship."
@JJL How bout filling us in on what you think she missed?
I like Cait's greeting, she seems like a swell chick. But I think the advice for see dick, run? (awesome sign off, by the way) is true but a little incomplete (and honestly not so "rarely discussed"- this is pretty standard advice columnist stuff.) I think this couple needs to develop some good communication about sex skills so they can actually enjoy their naked time together. The first tip off that they're not quite there yet is that her boyfriend has been "hinting around" that he'd like to take a shower together- if you can't even say it outright, you probably shouldn't be doing it. Also, its really unclear what they actually want from this shower- just see each other naked or actually touch each other or have oral sex or have intercourse? This should be talked about. When they get in the moment, they should be able to tell each other what they like and want so they don't just end up awkwardly poking at each other (so See Dick, make sure you are masturbating so you know how to tell him what you want) I agree with Cait that enthusiasm and an open mind are necessary elements, and you do seem to have them, See Dick, which is great- but you also seem shy- which is totally fine. Just communicate with your boyfriend about it and have fun. And communicating will make you have more fun.
Are you guys looking to date her or what?
@LM:
Seriously. How about a simple "tell him you're nervous???"
Good luck, Cait!
I like Cait! That being said I wish she would have told the girl in the open relationship to stop being a whiny little bitch. That's what she signed up for. You don't want another chick causing problems in your relationship? Don't agree to date a dude that's dating other women.
For the haters, give her a chance.. obviously she's got quite a bit of reputation to live up to following Erin.. but a ton of people do seem to love what she does.. =)
Hey guys--I'm kinda late to the conversation, but I just got my account all fixed up.
I just wanted to say thanks for all of the warm wishes and compliments. I'm blushing, you handsome devils. And thanks, too, to the people who filled in the blanks they think I missed. As long as you use your inside voices, I'm always glad to hear different viewpoints.
By the way, if you think the questions are too obvious, send in your own! It's ANONYMOUS, y'all. You know where to find me.
Oh, and Ditto: "Shut the fuck up!" in Icelandic is Haltu Kjafti, probably misspelled. It's pronounced in the ballpark of "hall-tyoo kyee-afti", but with some kind of cat-hissing noises thrown in.
Tentacle alien? I've always considered myself more of a Hypno-toad.
xoxo,
CR
SD,Run? - Tell him what you told us -- you think it sounds great, but you're nervous. If he's the guy you think he is, he'll understand. He probably feels the same way. Turn the lights down in the bathroom. Start with a big hug, soap each other's back, and take it from there....
I like Cait she seems like a real down-to-earth person
Open relationship:
How about bring your other guy (there is another guy.......... right? This is an actual open relationship and not just a "I'm the cooler girl" contest .........right?) around and seeing how your manfriend fares with his own jealousy.
I'm also calling bullshit here. If you were as fancy free with this relationship as you would have us believe, you would have ditched the whole scene awhile ago. That is, unless you are actually living on the set of Cheers and have no other option in bars, other than Sam's rival's bar, but everyone would prefer the jealous lady over that place anyway.
Cait - horribly sad to see Erin go, but will love you as much in different, special ways. I am cherry picking the most dysfunctional aspect of my love life as we speak to try out on you.
good job
@k, well, cause that's only one of the things she should tell him. But yeah, I probably could've written all of that more succinctly.
SD,R - Soap does not make good lube for penetration but it makes wonderful slippery bubbles for pretty much everything else. just jump in the shower behind him, wrap your arms around him, lather up and explore each other's bodies. If you're feeling too shy, how bout light a candle for alittle atmosphere and turn off the harsh overhead lights (I'm sure the shower is rather small, you wont get lost in there). but mostly, relax, it'll all fall together.
Hi there. You’re a sex columnist and you’ve never attempted an open relationship? Bears are nice and all, but being interested in sexual relationships would seem to be a prerequisite for this job. As someone who *has* had open relationships, I can tell you that they are difficult, not always the first choice of all participants, and not always appropriate. If I am seeing my partner’s girlfriend socially, then I have my own relationship with her and I need to manage it honestly. If my partner is being a dick, then I need to call them on it. If I’m not enjoying the drama, I need to be prepared to step back and say “Call me when you’ve dealt with your issues.” Open relationships are not “who’s the cooler girl” competitions (thanks, MC) and nobody’s going to give you a prize. Being cooler than the other girlfriend is not going to make the other girlfriend less jealous.
I CAInT stop loving you. You are doing GGGg---RRRR---EEEE---AAAA---TTTT!
Simultaneously swapping fluids with multiple partners doesn't give you a leg up in becoming a sex columnist, and not everyone enjoys suckling from the drama teat.
Yeah, Caitlin, how on earth are you a sex columnist without having first fingered a menopausal giraffe? Alison Cummins, it would be a frightening endeavor indeed if a sex columnist had to have experienced every sexual escapade before being able to comment on it. Does that mean my male gyno can't tend to my vagina any more since he's never experienced a yeast infection?
Open relationships are only enjoyable when you personally want to fuck two people. It always sucks for someone. And I say this from *experience* so it should hold weight.
I loved the bear imagery.
"One more thing: like a bear you encounter in the woods or a raccoon rooting through your garbage, it's entirely possible that he's more afraid of you than you are of him."
Cait Robinson, I think I love you. And I thought I already loved you! Wow.
Yeah, Alison, I'm sorry, but by that rationale, psychologists would have to have had every mental and emotional illness and doctors would have to have contracted every disease, illness, and injury in order to be good at their jobs. Logic fail. But thanks for bringing a condescending, bitchy attitude to the table. Just what the internet needed more of!
The menopausal giraffe threw $20 at my head and told me to "buy something nice." It was seriously degrading.
Cait, I can't wait to have more problems so that you can solve them.
Cait, I can't wait to have more relationship problems so you can art-direct them.
re: certain comments above... why are many poly/open relationship people so pompous about it? sure, some are quite balanced about it - but many are condescending and judgmental. you can see the disappointed in their eyes when you arent shocked or ignorant about it, and they dont get to go on a big spiel about their lifestyle.
Is it too early to say "I love you?" Yes? Ok, how about we just stick with a general adulation of your sense of humor and solid advice. Can't wait to read your next column.
Also, the word "assuage" was definitely on the GRE. Keep on throwing in vocab like that and maybe I'll get a decent score the next time around. :)
How old is Cait? She looks to be about 25. It's great having someone dish out advice who has not been around long enough to have even voted for Bush. Big Fat Sigh.
@BigSigh: As my father and mother have so brilliantly demonstrated, being old does not automatically make you smart about relationships. The corollary, then, is that being young does not automatically make you dumb about them. Quit being so ageist. Cait is clearly stellar.
Dear Cait: I adulate you. You make my heart careen across an ocean of fantasy and into the mouth of a tiger.
Mz Info: How do you deal with annoying cousins who live a long way away - like another whole part of the country - and keep stalking you online?
Excellent answers, Catilin. You're too smart to be a girlfriend. You know too much already.
I know Cait from another site we both used to post on. Don't worry, I won't out you, young miss.
For why can't we all get along. Being in an "open relationship" is different from being in a "poly relationship". If the three of you are in a relationship, it's something that needs to be cultivated, like any relationship. If not, you're investing way too much emotion in this other woman. She's just some other woman that he's fucking. You do not have to give a damn about her issues. They're her problem, and his. If you care to socialize with her, do, if you don't care to, don't, if she seems to be having a problem, you don't have to care. As long as you're getting what you need, be happy with that. If you aren't getting what you need, say so, and ask for what you need.
sX1iqt A unique note!!!