Not a member? Sign up now
January 24, 2011
Miss Information
What happened to my girlfriend's sex drive? And how can I make it come back?
By Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email missinfo@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm a twenty-two-year-old male, and I've been with my girlfriend for over two years. We're engaged, and nearly everything in our relationship is fantastic. I'm totally in love, we make our friends jealous, etc. etc. But there used to be a time when that jealousy also included our sex life. Six months ago, we couldn't watch get through an episode of Lost without having sex (and we were watching a lot of Lost). Over the past few months though, I'm lucky if we have sex once every two weeks.
I'm a good-looking guy in close to the best shape of my life, and she frequently tells me that she finds me handsome/attractive. But I've been getting the "Don't touch me" vibes, the "I'm really not feeling it" vibes and the "I'm really tired/ I've got a headache/ Look how cute our cat is!" diversion so many times I can almost predict the words before they leave her mouth.
A few days ago, she told me that she gets really annoyed and irritated when I rub her anywhere, i.e. initiate, and if I go for a different approach, she has to go to the bathroom or is "too busy" to get started. I've tried to talk more on the subject, but she reveals little except that she really has had no desire whatsoever for sex for a long time, although it has nothing to do with me, my looks, my performance, etc. Generally, our sex has always been above average, and we have good communication about it, so I don't think that's the problem.
I've mentioned that it might be a chemical imbalance, but she doesn't seem interested in talking to a doctor about it. Despite the attempts to salvage my ego, this whole situation is stomping on it. Most of my sexual desires are fueled by pleasuring her, so to think that she is in no way enjoying what I've got to offer or desiring it whatsoever has got me losing sleep, wondering every night what I did wrong or could have done differently. What else can I do to get my sex life back?
— Man Is An Island
Dear Man Is An Island,
You suggested it may be a chemical inbalance? Whoa, Nellie, there's a line to get you slapped if ever I've heard one. Pro tip: we ladies hate having our feelings reduced to medical "seek and destroy." We've had this shit pulled on us for centuries (Sigmund Freud: "Hells yeah, you have!"). By suggesting she see a doctor, you're almost certainly pushing her farther away, because a) you're completely discounting her experience; b) you're turning into an accuser rather than a supporter; c) you're taking zero responsibility for her well-being; and d) that's a dick thing to do, period. How would you feel if she told you your pushiness needed to be checked out? Not good, right? So before we can move on, listen up: just because you don't understand what's going on with your girlfriend doesn't mean there's something medically wrong.
Any number of factors can be affecting her sex drive, and they likely have nothing to do with sex. Is she having a hard time at work? Having a fallout with a good friend? Having a bout of sickness or issues within her own body? Any of these situations could easily put up that "don't touch me" wall. Odds are good it's something external to you or her happiness with you. But the more you keep pushing the issue of sex, the more her disgust becomes about sex, and the worse your situation gets. And once you say, "Hey, I found you a lady-problems doctor! He even owns his own van!", you're definitely sleeping on the couch.
In a situation as delicate as this, she needs to know you're on the same team. And right now, it sounds like this issue has driven a serious wedge between the two of you. So talk to her again, but take the "how are you?" approach. Talk, listen, and ask questions, without an agenda and without trying to "fix" anything. Don't bring up sex unless she does; your job is to listen and flow with the conversation, not direct it. You need to make enough space that she feels comfortable talking to you about what is really going on. As long as you keep trying to slip your hand up her skirt or push an issue, she's going to feel attacked and annoyed and feel the need to retreat more.
I recognize that this is a painful situation for you, too. It hurts to be rejected by someone you love. That feeling is completely valid. As long as your ego is your driving force, though, nothing will get accomplished; ego is pushy and obnoxious and needy, and counterproductive in issues like this. I suspect that you'll start feeling more in control once you are able to shake out the real issues and work toward making changes. In the meantime, dear God, please leave pharmaceuticals out of it.
Dear Miss Information,
I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just about a year and a half now. Initially, it was a long-distance courtship, and to make it work I moved across the country to be with him. Even from the beginning our sex life was kind of "meh" — even though we get along great and I'm attracted to him, he never seemed to return the favor, so to speak. If I wanted sex, I had to initiate it — and I still do — and if he wants sex, well, he just watches porn. He says he isn't really a sexual person and that sex doesn't mean as much to him as it apparently does to me, but I'm not sure I buy that. Last March when we were going through a rough spot, he actually cheated on me — with a hooker. If that doesn't contradict his "not into sex" stance, I'm not sure what does, and though I do love him and want to continue our relationship, I'm not sure I can without getting some kind of intimacy.
— On Deaf Ears
Dear On Deaf Ears,
Hang on, hang on. He cheated on you — and paid to do it — and you're still together? What, is he a dead-ringer for Alexander Skarsgard or something? Because I'm pretty sure that ranks just below "fucked a baseball team while you were buying popcorn" in terms of relationship deal-breakers. But okay, sure, I'll give you both the benefit of the doubt.
I can't claim to know what's going on with your boyfriend, ODE, but it sounds a lot like Advanced Placement self-centeredness. After all, it's far easier to watch porn and get yourself off than it is to engage another person and have to worry about her pleasure. And his brush-off answers — "I just don't like sex" — aren't doing much to help. One way or another, it seems like he's just not willing to put in the work that a relationship demands. You moved to be near him, right? And you initiate the sex, and he doesn't "return the favor"? How high are his cheekbones, again? Because it sounds an awful lot like you'd do better with someone who, I dunno, is actually willing to try.
Commentarium (110 Comments)
Whaaaaat? Is there a major switcheroo between answer one and answer two? Girl doesn't want sex: guy's an asshole. Guy doesn't want sex: guy's an asshole.
Fair point, the second guy IS a jerkwad dead end, but what exactly is wrong with asking someone why they don't want to touch you anymore -- like Man is an Island seems to be doing -- other than the inevitable "because I want out" answer? Long-term withholding of sex from your partner is a dick move in both cases. And making someone feel bad for getting miffed at it -- and making up limp excuses for the girl like "maybe it's a fallout with a good friend" -- is some powerful bullshit.
I totally agree on "fallout with good friend" excuse is bullshit. I had this a month ago,
I was crying at the night about it and in the morning I was having some great sex. so... yeah. well as long as she doesn't use this excuse as the reason then its not that :P
Wow, the g.f. that isn't interested in sex has SERIOUS deficiencies in relationship skills. A major problem like the sex life and she isn't making any attempt to resolve it, and brushing off his attempts to talk about it? She has major growing-up to do...which she might only accomplish with time, or therapy. You can complain about how he's trying to resolve the issue, but at least he's trying something. She's just shutting him down. That relationship may be destined to fail due to her lack of relationship skills. If it does...letter writer 1, meet letter writer 2.
I love your answer, Kevin! I honestly think that if she is cutting him off sex now, it is only going to get worse.
From a person perspective that has been cheated on to me it sounds like she went outside of the relationship and feels guilty. I am really surprised this was not even mentioned. I hate to jump right to that but having issues at work or a friend for six months when the couple talks about things I believe this would have come up. For Miss Information wow did he hit a nerve with you or what. I mean really the gentleman writing is in love with this woman and wants to know what is going on to save the relationship and you jump on him like that?
I disagree with your answer to lw1. Seems to me that if his girlfriend was stressed out, not feeling well, etc that it would have come up in the talks he has tried to have with her. If they have been together for two years and this is the first time there has been an issue with their sex life, and there are not any relationship problems then there is no reason that she shouldn't see a doctor. Lots of times a severe drop in sex drive is indicative of a serious health problem. If she isn't willing to try to fix the problem at all, or talk about it in a productive way, then it could be that she wants to end the relationship or needs to see a doctor for a full physical and mental health evaluation. To imply that he isn't taking into account anything that is happening outside of their sex life is putting the burden of communication totally on his shoulders and is letting her totally off the hook. Why doesn't she share any of the responsibility for letting him know what is going on with her, when he is very obviously concerned? Seems to me that if this has been going on for a few months that she needs to see a doctor or a counselor to get over whatever the issue is that us bothering her because she isn't going to get over it herself. And if it is not a physical or mental issue then she should be adult enough to tell him if it is something he did or if she wants out of the relationship.
Totally agree with the commenters above. Your advice to LW1 is not sound or logical. I was happy to read the letter because it related to a common problem, but was so disappointed in the answer. I don't understand why it is wrong to ask if there is a medical problem, and indeed that sort of inquiry actually lets her off the hook. It is a good excuse if there really is a problem. Otherwise, just sitting there waiting for her to open up about it -- it is clear that she has not done so and LW1 has been asking -- may take forever. That this lack of sex drive is really difficult for LW1 is perfectly understandable and he is doing all he can to try and address it. This drought creates insecurity or uncertainty that there is any real chemistry there, which can torpedo any long-term relationship.
I completely agree with Cait on this one, I definitely wanted to immediately slap lw1 the second I read "I suggested it may be a chemical imbalance."
Here's my response to both of them: DTMF, to borrow a phrase.
The advice is really lacking, I must say.
Person one: The last time I was all "Oh my gosh, isn't our cat SO cute" with my EX-fiance was because I wasn't fucking interested. The spark was gone from our relationship and in spite of everyone outwardly thinking "omg aren't they perfect", at home we were not so great. There was no communication on either of our part and my constant pushing and lack of need meant he went and fucked someone else. Then I fucked someone else. Neither of us made time to make each other feel wanted and you know what? When you're in your early 20s, chances are you're going to do stupid shit like that and it just won't work out.
You have a messy, sad break up. You move on. You find someone more worth your time. Maybe she has some mental issues going on, depression can be a real boner killer but either way-- if she isn't willing to work shit through for your sake as well as her own, you can kiss this LTR good-bye.
Person two: Seriously. Cut your losses and run. He fucked a hooker? And you're still with him? Get out get out get out.
Hey man, gape that ass. She'll come round after that.
When my boyfriend or I don't want to have sex (too tired, sore, depressed, whatever) we like to just masturbate in the same vicinity with the understanding that it's just relief and not coercion. Even if he doesn't want to sleep with me at that moment and I'm horny, I know he's happy for me and interested in my pleasure even if he's not into participating. Often times there will be some participation, at least watching. Some times the lack of coercion helps us feel sexy despite whatever's going on and sex does happen.
Anyway, it could be an idea for partners trying to stay sexually in sync.
LW1 should just show his girlfriend the letter he wrote! Or better yet, address it to her and tweak the pronouns. This is good and isn't overly aggressive, because she's not being put on the spot. She can read, process, and think a bit first before having a conversation. Hopefully she'll be as honest, open and invest as much in trying to find a solution as her boyfriend.
"There's a line to get you slapped if ever I've heard one." You know, I'm getting really fucking tired of the idea that female-on-male domestic violence is a form of behavior correction. Somehow I can't see Cait telling a woman that she should consider herself lucky that her boyfriend didn't hit her for saying the wrong thing.
I agree violence is never the answer and for a so called professional to even say that is ridicules. He could of came back yah then I knock her the fuck out. The guy is trying to touch every base to save a relationship that is sad to say is doomed. He is in his 20's the will live a long happy life without her.
Count me among those disappointed with Cait's answer to LW1. First, six months of lower libido is a long time of lower libido--especially one as drastic as going from frequent sex to "no desire in sex whatsoever". A medical complication is entirely within the realm of possibility and shouldn't be dismissed.
Second, the answer really fails to recognize that LW1 is in a bind: his well-being is languishing and her well-being seems at stake, and he feels very alone in trying to protect them both. Not to mention their impending marriage--what pressure! He wrote in explaining that he's hurting and he's exhausted every effort trying to figure out why, and he heard back that he's a terrible person and he needs to dial down his ego. How does that respond to his situation?
I'm all for fighting the way medical science pathologizes the female libido, but this was not a good opportunity to do so.
Everyone but Cait is right about LW1.
I wonder if she's interested in the sex that they have every two weeks or if she's just giving in. If it's the former, it may just be that her sex drive is not high and she only wants sex every couple weeks. The newness of a relationship can be exciting and disguise a low sex drive for a while, but eventually that newness wears off and you go back to your baseline. Maybe this is just her natural sex drive.
Dear Man Is an Island,
Do you wash the dishes? You mentioned that she's "too busy" for sex. I know when I was doing all the housework because my boyfriend was depressed my sex drive was in the minus levels, and other women I have talked to vouch for this happening to them too.
It's hard to think about getting off when you're fretting about the pile of laundry in the corner.
@Everyone. I don't think Cait was off with the first letter. I mean yes, the gf should be making more of an effort to communicate and figure things out for herself. But in absence of that, what Cait did was tell the letter-writer what a caring bf (or gf) should do when put in that circumstance. As for the second letter, that's a bit different since their sex life was "meh" from the beginning, and he cheated on her with a hooker. Maybe she should try communicating more with her bf as well, but probably either way she should just break things off.
In my experience, when my GF has lost interest in sex and didn't want to talk about it, it meant she was seeing someone else on the side.
I never said Writer 1 was an asshole; i said he said a "dick thing." There's a difference. All good people do/say dick things, and life goes on. He wants to work to help things, and I give him a lot of credit for that. I don't think my answer vilified him. And yes, the girl is causing major problems by being incommunicative, but what can he do? He can only change how he relates to her, which is what I tried to suggest. The rest is out of his hands.
@ Momo: Here's the difference as I see it: Lw1 spent a lot of time discussing how rewarding his relationship was, and how he wanted to work for it. Lw2 mentioned nothing positive about the guy or their relationship. Perhaps "Man is an Island" will break up with the girl, but in the meantime, it may help to take a different approach in talking to her. "On Deaf Ears" could hash it out, but given her overall tone, it doesn't seem that she thinks it's worth it. They're two very separate situations.
But hey, perhaps it will help "Man is an Island" to see everyone else's varying answers to the problem.
But he DIDN'T say a "dick thing". A sudden drop in sexual drive is often (rightly, it turns out) attributed to medical problems/a chemical imbalance (actually all emotions boil down to chemicals, but let's leave that aside for now). I completely agree that it sounds like his ego is interfering with the whole thing, but alongside other types of discussion (for which she also sounds unprepared), the medical question is not only one she needs to face, but one which shouldn't be put off.
Simply validating the girlfriend's shut-down response when she came up against a course of action that made her uncomfortable treats her like a delicate little flower who isn't fully responsible and potentially empowered in her own life.
They're both young. I get that. But everyone needs to grow up sometime.
1st dude - I've been in that same position and she's either A) having second thoughts (people should not get engaged before you're 25 - for a million reasons) or B) she's actually seeing or thinking about seeing somebody else. if you want to salvage this thing, forget about sex for now and you be the best goddamn boyfriend you can be. She'll either come to her senses or bail. good luck!
I just wanted to share that I was going through a stressful time, and then my sex drive became non-existent which was very frustrating for my husband and me. The culprit turned out to be the large doses of 5HTP (a supplement with anti-depressent properties) that I had been taking. I halved my dosage and was back to normal in less than a week. When people have libido issues that have a chemical component it is generally the result of over-medication, not a need for medication. PS-Pretty much all hormonal birth controls are known to lower a woman's sex drive, so that could be the issue too.
I know I'm echoing, but the advice to lw1 is horrible. First, he's 22 and engaged with his girlfriend of two years, meaning they've been dating since he was 20. I'm not saying that's too young to marry (although it's way too young for me), but he's his formative years with the same person, and a quarter of that time has had little to no sex. That's ridiculous. That said, the first bit of advice is put the brakes on the engagement. A 22 year old should not even be contemplating a life-long commitment without addressing this problem because, we all know that it won't really be a life-long commitment if 22 they can barely fuck each other at 22.
Second, she criticizes him for questioning whether this is a medical problem, but then in the very next paragraph suggests that it might be a medical problem? Maybe he was indelicate in the way he asked her, but he was in no way deserving of the criticism he received from Cait;
Third, going back to the first, HALT THE FUCKING ENGAGEMENT. Shit does not get better because of a wedding party, and eventually kids. Speaking from personal experience, marriage and kids are amplifiers: they make strong couples stronger; and for the couples with problems, just wait to see how huge those problems grow when you have a mortgage and 2 kids screaming at 3 in the morning.
I couldn't agree more, Cait.
sorry for the horrible grammar and missing words in my post. I really should proofread before I post.
Number one should read "mating in captivity." So should the advice giver.
I'm really surprised that Cait didn't address the engagement that LW1 mentioned. 22 is incredibly young to get engaged, and the girlfriend's sudden lack of sex drive might very well be related to that. She might be having second thoughts about making a life-long commitment. She might be having second thoughts about being with her fiance at all. I was that young woman at one time, in a long-term relationship that to the outside world seemed perfect, with a young man who was handsome and in shape. I couldn't for the life of me understand why I had no sex drive. It went on for so long, that I started to believe something was wrong with me. It never even occurred to me that the problem was the relationship. We had been together long enough that I stopped wondering if he was the person I should be with. But the fact of the matter was, I was deeply unhappy and unable to admit it to myself, let alone him. And he asked. He tried, as LW1 is trying, to figure out what was wrong. Eventually, I cheated on him (after we got married), and left him.
My advice to Man is an Island: halt the engagement until you fix the sex life. You can continue to work with her on it, but she might be like me, unwilling or unable to admit that she is no longer happy in her relationship with you. If you can't work out the sex life, you have to break up. It sucks, but you're both young, and there is no need to make the same mistake I made. Don't keep moving forward in the hopes that things will fix themselves, because they won't.
Totally horrible advice on the first one... in point of fact there was no advice there, just an admonishment of the writer, who had legitimate concernes. To say she may have a chemical imbalance, or something physical wrong with her is a totally legitimate query. Now, at 22 years old, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that this is not a physical problem - she's just lost interest. She's being incommunicative and evasive...talking about her cat? It's very obvious. We've all been through it before, now's the time to really just bring it all out into the open and deal with it. As for Cait, SHE said the 'dick thing' when attacking this poor guy for his concerns... total douche 'advice'.
My experience was almost exactly like @Carol's. So complacent with the day-to-day level of my relationship that I couldn't even see that the relationship itself was making me unhappy, that my promises to my partner were standing in the way of the adventures I wanted to have while I was still young (moving to a new city, starting a new career, etc.)
Most of us need to figure out who WE are as individuals before we can commit to somebody else. And at 21-22, you just can't know that yet. LW1, halt the engagement.
While I think the advice in case 1 was bunk, I at least think I know where it was coming from. "Chemical imbalance" has immediate connotations of malfunction, of wrongdoing, and suggests that the girlfriend's behavior in the immediate past was "bad" in some way. The question you have to ask is "wasn't it?" Partner initiates - gets blown off. Partner waits and tries again - gets blown off and informed that what he's doing is annoying. Partner takes the initiative again and tries a different method - gets blown off. Partner tries to talk about it and gets no useful feedback. Partner, pushed to semi-desperation, finally suggests a POSSIBLE medical problem - which could also be a gesture of concern, since we have no way of knowing how it was phrased - and is told he said a dickish thing. Personally, I think he's followed a gentle and reasonable course of escalation. Ego may be a bad thing in some cases - but I think more than his ego is being mistreated.
It's simple: If someone won't fuck you, fuck someone else. There's no such thing as monogamous celibacy.
LM - I'm a guy. Is it okay then for me to slap my girl if she says something I don't like?
oy vey - Spot on!
It could definitely be a possible imbalance, especially if she's on hormonal birth control. I've had to switch synthetic progesterones a couple of times to get rid of the irritability and low libido; it's a hassle, yes, but it's worth the health and well being of my relationship and the convenience of birth control. If LW1's girlfriend is on The Pill, it might be a valid concern after all.
i havent read all of the other responses but for the first guy:
a little background - ive been with my boyfriend for two and a half years similar situation...except I went through exactly what your gf is going through, and no matter what miss information has to say it was COMPLETELY HORMONAL FOR ME, she isnt going to want to hear it at all, but she really should mention it to her gyno...it turned out that it completely had to do with the birth control I was on, and as soon as i switched (and i mean the next day) it completely changed. i went from getting irritated and cringing every time my boyfriend even looked at me to having my normal sex drive back,
it was weird though because i hadnt even changed my birth control when it started, i guess something else triggered it, but as soon as I changed it got much much better, the only thing is if at the time my boyfriend had suggested it was hormonal i probably would have wanted to deck him because when youre hormonal you really dont want to hear it...
SO GOOD luck, there is hope!!!
@grownup, I've read "Mating in Captivity," and I still agree with Cait.
I've been in her position, and in his, and both stink. I have to say that when the problems just got worse or stayed the same (especially in my early 20s), the problem was bigger than sex and the relationship dissolved.
In my current relationship of three years, my bf and I both catch a waning interest sometimes, mainly due to stress or resentment. We continue to move past it repeatedly though...some tips:
1. We're still pretty crazy about each other, so we try.
2. We both think that sex is really important, so we try.
3. We want to be monogamous, so we extra try.
4. We talk, and we fight.
5. As a woman and the one with an office job, I don't get as much alone time and I tend not to get myself off as much as he does. The more I resist doing this, the more I resent his alone time and sex seems complicated. Maybe she needs to explore herself on her own more? It could definitely fuel the fire and get her over the hump ;-P
You know, it's kind of bothersome to me that everyone is jumping to the conclusion that something is WRONG with Man is an Island's girlfriend for not wanting to have sex with him. She should see a doctor because he drop in libido could be indicative of a serious medical problem? Are you serious? Has no one ever gone through a period of just NOT WANTING TO HAVE SEX? Most people's sex drives have peaks and valleys and it sounds like she's down in a valley. And him constantly pressuring her to have sex probably isn't making it any better: Even if you are engaged and in a relationship, no means no. She is not obligated to screw you, even if you make big puppy-dog eyes at her. It might not have to do with stress or second thoughts about the engagement or her boyfriend at all. Sometimes sex is just not at the forefront of everyone's mind, and that's okay. It doesn't mean she is terminally ill or having "lady problems" or psychological issues or anything like that. It means she's (get this) a real live person instead of your mindless little fuck puppet. Lay off.
@linda, I don't think anyone has said this girl needs act like the guy's own personal sex slave, or that "no" doesn't mean "no" (and why does it always come down to rape on Nerve?). The biggest problems are that this girl isn't having sex with here fiance AND she's not giving him any reason as to why....which leads to the other looming problem, their engagement.
Sexual compatibility is a huge part of every marriage, and you don't just hop into a lifetime commitment of this magnitude, and hope that she's having an off six months. She doesn't own him sex when he demands it, but she does owe him an honest explanation and discussion if she expects to marry him.
@Linda Haha, fuck puppet. Good point; I'm with you. Eventually she's going to have to assuage his worries or at least talk to him about it though. A sexless relationship only goes so far without some sort of understanding.
Something that seems to have gotten lost in your diatribe: yes, she's a real life person, but so is he. By refusing to even discuss the situation or acknowledge his concerns, she's not treating him like a person, let alone an equal partner in their life together. But heck, don't let that stop you from enjoying the masturbatory, fulminating rage you seem to have worked yourself into. I particularly enjoyed how you insinuated that LW1 is a rapist-in-training. Stay classy.
Sexual incompatability never works in the long run. If two people aren't close to the same in desire, kink, vanilla, etc. you can count on resentment, and relationship problems. Why would anyone marry someone who is sexually not into them? Bad enough when it happens later in the marraige.
when i was around lw1's age, i was discussing marriage with my long-term bf, and wound up in the same sort of situation this dude's gf is in. totally lost interest in sex, did not want to be touched, did not want to talk about it. turns out i had lost all interest in the relationship and i wound up breaking it off with him. i feel fairly certain this relationship will go the same way.
Try this, substitute the word "conversation" for the word "sex" (and I mean actual conversation, not just "you want pizza?" "OK."). Now say "we haven't talked much in the last six months, we used to talk to each other all the time. But every time I want to have a conversation, she shrugs me off. She says there's nothing wrong."
Sounds pretty crappy, doesn't it? But you can have relationships without real conversation, just like you can have relationships without sex. For most people, however, physical intimacy in some form, like verbal communication, is an element of the ongoing dialog that is a healthy, functioning romantic partnership. When there's a sudden drop in the level of either conversation or sex, on the part of one partner, of course the other is going to be concerned. Note the fellow from the letter didn't say "I desperately need to get off," he said he's wondering what he's doing wrong and if there's something wrong with her/him/the relationship.
As for the second letter, I think Cait's pretty spot-on, the fellow wants the release of an orgasm without all the troublesome human interaction of non-professional sex. It's very possible that, aside from just being to selfish or inept to bother with the effort of making love to a "real" person (not that I'm saying that a sex worker isn't a real person, I mean in this case someone in a reciprocal, non-professional capacity), he may have insecurity issues about his body, performance or a dozen other things that makes sex with an equal partner intimidating.
I was reacting to everyone's simultaneous leap to the conclusion that there MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER OMGWTFBBQ (hormones, stress, second thoughts about the engagement, etc.) simply because she doesn't want to have sex with him every minute of every day. Sometimes people just don't want to have sex, especially after the "Honeymoon period" has worn off, and often there is no definitive reason for it other than not feeling like it. It doesn't make her defective or ill or chemically imbalanced or mean that the relationship is dead. It just means she doesn't feel like it. And, perhaps, instead of trying to find a way to fix her "problem," he should just enjoy his otherwise idyllic relationship and perhaps when the pressure is off, her sex drive will peak again. Putting pressure on her and all but flat-out telling her that she should see a doctor because a girl must be broken to not want to have sex with him during "Lost" solves nothing. Back off, and let her come to you.
@Linda I somewhat agree but they're young. And just saying "Let her come to you"... probably won't work. I guarantee if he backed off, she'd probably be relieved. Everyone deserves to be loved and feel fulfilled and it takes two, not just one "backing off". I'd hate to be in a sexual relationship with someone who feels like that. Every two weeks? Just no. That's not for the happy making. What happens if they go through witht he marriage, have kids? It's just a descent into a nightmare of cheating and being unhappy. If she doesn't want to fuck him, she needs to talk to him and they need to work through it together. Backing off is NOT the answer.
You're projecting your own life-issues and resentments onto LW1's relationship. The problem isn't that she "doesn't want to have sex...every minute of every day", the problem is that she doesn't want to have sex AT ALL ("she really has had no desire whatsoever for sex for a long time") and refuses to even DISCUSS it. You seem to think LW1's only course of action is to quietly accept the situation and hope that it'll change someday, since anything else is equivalent to putting pressure on her (at best). Last time I checked, part of being an adult in a relationship is being able to articulate your own needs, and to treat your partner's needs with respect and consideration. LW1 is doing both of those things, trying to find some way to make the situation better, and ACTING LIKE A FUCKING ADULT; his girlfriend isn't. Yet she gets a free pass from you...gee, I wonder why? If LW1 were a het woman, you wouldn't be falling all over yourself to point out that "no means no", or that a fiance who'd lost interest in his girlriend isn't a "mindless little fuck puppet".
@ Everyone
I think Cait's problem with Lw1 asking her if it's a "hormonal issue" is the way he phrased it. Rather than say it may be a health concern or something, it's a "Chemical Imbalance" which, if the gf really is having problems, could come off to her like he is attacking her, her sanity, and accusing her of being broken. Maybe he should take his ego out of the equation and learn to word the question better, and she will be more receptive to the suggestion.
There's a word for a person who demands his/her partner walk on eggshells and flips out if they phrase something the wrong way. That word is "asshole". Cait's completely out of line in claiming that even suggesting that it MIGHT be a medical problem -- and low testosterone (for example) can completely fuck up your sex drive, as many, MANY women can attest -- is an offense so grave that it merits being SLAPPED.
To put it differently, the irony of the "take his ego out of the equation" stuff is that Cait and others seem fixated on protecting the girlfriend's ego from the slightest hint of criticism. Heaven forbid that she be asked to confront her responsibility to behave straightforwardly, compassionately, and honestly in the relationship.
no, he shouldn't be forced to walk on eggshells around her, but if it is a hormonal thing, she may be very sensitive about the issue. The least he could do would be to act more sensitively about it. No, what she is doing is not right, and yes, she should talk to him. But if she is feeling threatened and broken, she can't get to a place then where she can talk about these issues with him. If is is a mental problem, she may be having problems coming to terms with it, or being open about it enough to see a doctor about it (because let's face it, there is a rather large stigma around these sorts of issues)
and I do agree with everyone else who says that they should halt the engagement, because it appears that neither of them are in the right place for this wedding to continue.
Cait: For future reference, this is what a 'dick thing' to say looks like: "Whoa, Nellie, there's a line to get you slapped if ever I've heard one." You're being incredibly cavalier with someone who obviously cares a great deal about their partner, has tried to repeatedly to communicate that concern over a sudden change in their routine/personality and had it throw back in their face. He's obviously heavily committed to his partner, but if this has being going on for months then it's time to be pragmatic; can you move forward with a relationship were you can't have a reasonable discussion about problems that crop up, now and down the road?
Just wanted to join the chorus of "it might be the Pill." Birth control pills utterly wiped out my libido when I was in my early 20s. I'd never heard that this could be a side effect, so I came up with every rationalization under the sun. Went off them at 28, and by 30 was so horny I could get my self off with fantasizing alone, no hands. If the first writer's girlfriend's on the Pill, she should at least know that this is a possibility.
To LW1 - you're engaged, and her sex drive is going away. CANCEL THE ENGAGEMENT. Believe me, things will only get worse after marriage, and then you're STUCK. Divorce is messy. You need to put off the wedding until you get this thing fixed. If you can't, you need to bail. If you can't find a happy medium, you're going to be miserable.
To LW2 - he's just not that into you, as evidenced by the hooker. DTMFA.
@ Everyone: Wow. I'm glad to see this outpouring of passion, even if much of it is directed against me.
I will say here that Drop Dead Fred has a point; some of my phrasing may have seemed harsh. Sass and advice are two tough things to balance, and I apologize if parts of this letter strayed too far into the former camp. I do respect his problem and his care for his partner; if you'll read, I make a point of saying that. But perhaps I should have made a bigger point of that. Editing, editing, editing.
I will ALSO say that if this answer seemed bitchy, it's because it clearly pushed a button in me. (Baggage! We all have it!) It's a button that, judging from our comments, a lot of other women have experienced. Yeah, absolutely, Birth Control will fuck shit up--he didn't mention it in his letter, but for sure, that's bad news for libidos. But more broadly, I think there's a widespread assumption that if [x problem] is wrong with a lady, it's OBVIOUSLY her wacky, controlled-by-the-moon HORMONES, and thus nothing we can possibly understand. It's this assumption that exhausts me, and frustrates me, and that's where some of my response came from.
But that wasn't ALL of my response.
I also felt like his letter was so focused on sex--and, interestingly, image/outside approval-- that it was ignoring other factors, like "what has been going on in his girlfriend's head." So I tried to guide him toward focusing on the other things as a way of getting their intimacy back on track, and thus their sex life.
For the record, I do think she's being uncool by not talking to him, and shutting down, and leaving the room. But I can't control what she does, and neither can he; the best he can do is try to get her to open up, and not forcing the issue of sex is a way of lessening the pressure enough to allow her to do that.
In short: I stand by my answer, but think it could've been more "love" and less "tough love". And if you're concerned about Man is an Island's feelings, there's no better vindication than 50 people telling me I'm mean. What can I say? I'm wacky and controlled by the moon.
Uhhh... Cait?
You have any idea how many times in my life some woman has told me, basically, "It's not my fault, I'm a slave to my hormonal cycle"? Sooo... if that assumption is exausting and frustrating you, at least allow that the men making that assumption came by it honestly. It's not like it's something we invented. Granted, generalizing and projecting what you hear from one woman onto another woman is a bonehead move, but it's a common human failing that happens often, in many contexts.
Good second thoughts, Cait. But you are still evidently okay sanctioning unprovoked domestic violence. I don't care which gender is on what end, that shit is never okay. You're out of line and you should acknowledge it. You owe it to all of your readers who have ever been belted and blamed for it: "it's your fault, I wouldn't be this mad if you didn't say that."
Second - he definitely does have a right to bring up sex. It is an important part of intimate communication and it should not be out of bounds. I agree with you totally that it is often good strategy not to raise it directly, and definitely not all the time, but never at all is not helpful either. It is not "his job" to permanently avoid mentioning the thousand pound gorilla that is quietly suffocating their relationship.
Third - yes, it is absolutely the case that she doesn't have to have sex with him - any time at all, or ever again. What she should do is sort out for herself if that's how she really wants to live, rather than drift into that situation. And then talk to her chosen life partner about it. She owes it first to herself and second to him to face up to what's going on. Maye it is temporary, maybe it is something she wants to get an opinion on, maybe it is something she is actually fine with - but head in sand is not the way to live. There is a chance that she might be letting something slide that she will really regret losing if she doesn't think about it frankly.
(But) finally - sure, she might just not be all that into sex any more, or sex with him, and that might not much bother her. It is utterly her right to choose. But that big change might bother him (sounds like it would, a lot), and that doesn't make him a jerk. It just means they are mismatched. Unfortunately if that's the case they would be better off going their own ways, especially at their age. Forever is a long, long time.
I would just like to add going their own way I agree with but that goes for any age. I am not saying don't put in effort to save your relationship. I am saying if you have tried your best then move on and don't be angry or evil about it. Just part as adults and be happy enjoy life because tomorrow is not promised to us so why be unhappy?
Cait: It's very cool that you followed up in the comments section. I wish all columnists would do this (not necessarily every column, but ones like this one that trigger so many heated responses). That said, I still think you missed the biggest issue that many of the responses addressed (yeah, my response too): these two younguns are engaged to be married, and they have a massive problem that needs to be dealt with before that can happen. If they're heading towards divorce before they've even said their vows, it doesn't matter whether it's hormonal, he's insensitive, or she's just not into him anymore. The very first thing they need to do is stop looking for caligraphers, fabulous centerpieces, and debating where to seat the drunk racist uncles. I really think you owe him that advice, especially considering his age.
I'm in the girlfriend of LW1's position right now: I've been with my BF a year, started nursing school a bit back, and my sex drive has vanished. At first, I would try valiantly, but when you don't have a sex drive, foreplay doesn't feel good and there's no wetness, YA FEEL ME?? So then I stopped even trying, and he started noticing, and started getting hurt, and kind of turned it around. One day we were trying to get something started and when I told him I didn't think it was gonna happen, he snapped, "You know, you should really see a doctor to fix that." It hurt me so bad, and I don't think the guys commenting here can understand how that makes a person feel: like a broken, inadequate, dysfunctional non-woman. I cried all night.
We did finally sit down and I told him how stressed I have been (crazy workload, no money, etc) and how he made me feel worthless every single time he pushed me for sex. Because no matter how nice you are about it, when you initiate sex with someone who doesn't want it, for whatever reason, it makes them feel WORSE. All you can do is wait it out. I'm trying to find ways to fight my stress and am considering seeing a doctor, but if you really love somebody, you are going to have to put your sex urges to the side for a bit to help them heal. If you can't do that, you shouldn't be in a relationship.
Thanks for sharing your story. I sympathize, and I certainly understand how stress and work can crush a person's sex drive. But I also have to admit that I resent your claim that "the guys commenting here [can't] understand how that makes a person feel". Anyone who's ever struggled with premature ejaculation or impotence, and had their wife/girlfriend gets frustrated by it and make nasty comments, probably has a very good idea of how that feels. Yet I don't get the impression that men feel that erectile dysfunction drugs diminish them as human beings. If a guy can't last longer than 15 seconds in bed, we expect him to do something about it, not just wallow in self-pity and resentment of his partner. While we might sympathize with a guy who can't get it up and feels ike a "broken, inadequate, dysfunctional non-man", we don't expect his girlfriend to live like a nun, endlessly supportive and setting her sexual needs aside without a whimper, until he works up the courage to deal with it. If we expect fidelity from someone, don't we also have a responsibility to treat their needs with respect and understanding, rather than collapsing into a heap of self-pity -- or, if we follow Cait's implied suggestion, just flat-out HITTING the other person -- as soon as they say "Listen, this isn't working, we need to do something about it"?
There's a weird sort of moral high ground being claimed here, as if there's something ineffable and strange about the female experience that men Can't Possibly Understand, and that women's sexual needs are somehow inherently more legitimate and nobler than men's needs. Perhaps it goes back to the widespread idea that sex is a favor that women do for men -- or something that a man takes from a woman, to her detriment -- rather than a psychologically crucial form of human expression that (in the long term, anyway) represents an important part of an adult's well-being.
Erectile dysfunction is different than if a man doesn't want to have sex. If a man actually doesn't want to have sex, then he shouldn't be pushed into doing so. When you say that the needs of the person who want sex more are more important than the needs of the person who wants sex less, you /are/ essentially treating the person who wants sex less as an object, hence the allusions to the old sexist ideas that sex is a gift a woman gives to a man.
When did I say that? If anything, I think the subtext to a lot of posts here is that the needs of the person who wants it LESS are more important. That's the normative assumption, really: after all, sex isn't an absolute need, we can live without it, and (lest we Neanderthals forget) "no means no". Thus the person who wants it less almost inevitably becomes the person who controls the sexual dynamic. My crazy idea is that the two parties are actually EQUAL in terms of the importance of their needs, and that when you enter into monogamy, you're committing to give the best of yourself to building a sexual relationship together. That doesn't mean "having sex when you don't want to", but it does mean owning up to your own bullshit when you're avoiding intimacy with a partner who wants you, loves you, and is trying to find a solution, even if they don't use the right words. It also means acknowledging that it's 100% valid to feel resentment, anger, and frustration towards a partner who loses interest in sex, won't say why, and won't do anything about it. BTW it's funny that people are equating "pushing someone into having sex" with "showing any kind of sexual desire for them", as if these poor lost souls can't handle the fact that their mates still have a libido even when they don't. Isn't it obvious what the endgame to that one is? If someone resents my sexual desire for them, it has this amazing knack of making me not want them anymore. Shocking, isn't it? Total relationship-killer, but makes sense since this sort of stuff is an excellent passive-aggressive way to destroy a relationship, and IMHO that's usually what's going on if medical issues are ruled out.
In Cait's support, please everyone, watch "Orgasm, Inc."
p.s. also, men, you are not entitled to women's bodies.
Get a life.
Well, that was mature.
Marital rape is now against the law (not that it ever gets prosecuted really, but at least we have that).
I definitely understand Cait's anger (and subsequent advocation for violence) at this hateful male insistence that women owe them sex and that women have sex with them even when it's OBVIOUS that women don't feel like it, for whatever reason. We just don't feel like it, and we don't owe you an explanation. (What if the reason is that you're terrible at it? Just something to ponder...)
Well, what the fuck kind of reaction do you THINK that condescending, insulting, sexist comment of yours deserves? "Hey, men, just as a reminder, you're all rapists and scumbags on the inside! Make sure you feel guilty about your sexuality!"
No one here is saying that women "owe" men sex, and your post has more to do with your own issues than anything written here. P.S. Classy username. Don't you have some separatist lesbian commune to cook potluck for, or something?
When the guy suggested she take (what sounded like) a pill to "fix" herself so she can become more sexually available to him, that's when anybody with average intelligence reads that he feels like she "owes" him sex or at least that she should feel like she does. And the "hey, let's bring the female-friendly (not) medical establishment into it!" just gives this girl a headache.
Funny how not many comments refer to the immense loserdom of the second guy, who's a porn addict and paid to use a woman's body for sex. If that is not hateful (to both the prostituted woman and his - unfortunately still- girlfriend), I don't know what is.
I see the first guy and the second guy as existing on the same continuum: they are both men who regard women as someone (something?) whose body they should have access to (in the first case the guy is attempting to get access to the body by trying to have the woman medicalized, in the second case, by bribing her with money).
p.s. I wish there existed a lesbian separatist commune. That would be so wonderful. Unfortunately I'm stuck in misogynist and pornified world.
p.p.s. something else that would be great: if men did feel a little guiltier about their sexuality instead of entitled all the time. Have some self-control once in a while and you know, listen to what the woman is saying (which sounds like a resounding NO in the first case).
Wow, I wish there was a lesbian sepratist commune that you could go to too.
A early 20s young man being bewildered by a rapid decline in his girlfriend's libido and thinking, however misguidedly, that there might be a medical cause is not the same as him being some mysogynistic date-rape artist looking to drug her up to get at the pussy.
I could be wrong about the second guy, but I'm going to bet that he didn't go to a local bar with a couple of 100s taped to his forehead. He probably struck a bargain with a girl who was offering.
The world would be a better place if men would be a little guiltier about their sexuality. Wow. You are absolutely correct. You belong in a separatist lesbian commune, far from anything with a dick on it. Have you considered starting one?
lol I don't think she has to worry about any dick or has had any for a long time so we are safe.
As a woman who has both felt like sex, and not felt like sex over the years, I don't think "wet seasons" or "dry seasons" are an emergency. They happen in every relationship. In fact, it's always better to discover a wet season after a dry spell. Can't be forced. Not always driven by women either.
A lot to be said for "flirting" and re-seducing your partner. Making it fun. Not keeping score.
@Yikes: If you are going to be unable to handle a full relationship for a significant period of time, perhaps you are the one that shouldn't be in a relationship. Or at least not with someone who does want a full relationship. "Waiting it out" is not necessarily a viable solution. That has the potential to do a lot of damage to the relationship. It all depends on the 2 people, the length of time, their history, etc.
You feel like an inadequate non-woman because your b.f. wants sex and you don't? Don't you suppose your b.f. feels like an inadequate non-man because his g.f. has no desire for him?
Bottom line, if one mate has a libido and the other does not, if they both care about the relationship, they should both care about working on that. They might fail, and fall apart, but at least try. If they don't both try, then at least one of them no longer cares, and the relationship is already on track to fail.
Kevin, are you kidding? If a person isn't able to handle what you call a "full" relationship" for a significant period of time, one shouldn't be in a relationship??? What about someone who is going through chemo....should he divorce his wife because all his strength is going towards fighting cancer and not getting a boner? Or what about someone who has clinical depression, a known libido-sapper? My point is that there is WAY MORE to real, robust, and happy relationships than sex. Sure, sex is a major part of it, but if two people are loving and committed to each other, they are able to GASP go without sex if need be.
For the record, my boyfriend has been very very understanding and told me that, because we love each other, we will work through this. And I am absolutely willing to work through it! And, waiting it out IS a viable solution as long as both people in the relationship keep communicating with each other. I hope that one day you can find someone you love so completely that you enjoy having a conversation as much as sex, and don't feel the relationship is doomed without it.
Yikes, most relationships are doomed without sex. As in, if there is never going to be sex again, the relationship is probably not going to make it. At least not happily.
1 year is a short relationship. How long is school going to kill your libido? If it's going to be followed by a few years of no sex...you'll have to find a partner that's fine with long-term celibacy. Maybe you've got one. It's easier to find such if you've already got years of good relationship history behind you with your partner, as well as a wedding ring. That's not where you guys are. But good luck to you.
I did write "perhaps" you shouldn't be in one. As a counter-balance to you seeming to assume that everyone should be just fine being celibate for a few years. Under some circumstances, that works, especially with relationships that have a depth and history. In other circumstances, problems like that kill relationships, even ones with years of involvement.
Also as a counter-balance to you seeming to put it all on your b.f. Oh, he has to keep quiet because you feel bad that you can't be fully part of a relationship? Perhaps (I said perhaps) the reverse is true...you have to realize maybe you're the one who isn't in a good place to be in a relationship right now, because you can't handle one for a while.
Waiting it out sometimes works fine. Sometimes it also kills relationships.
It's revealing to compare Cait's answer to Dan Savage's reply to a "minimally sexual" person who wrote this week: "I certainly hope you're not another asexual/minimally sexual person who wants a normally sexual partner because you take a perverse pleasure in depriving someone else of sex, constantly rejecting that person's advances, and ultimately destroying their confidence." LW1, does that remind you of anyone? As was said earlier, the passive-aggressive component to this behavior often gets lost in endless narratives of alleged victimhood and patriarchal oppression. But some people really do get off on making other people feel shitty, and conversely people who are genuinely warm and loving at their core usually find some way NOT to act this way...whereas people who are neurotic and full of resentment and rage usually show their true colors sooner or later.
Suggesting there's possibly a medical issue is NOT a dick thing to do. People have medical issues that affect their moods ALL THE TIME. If it is a change in her behavior and she doesn't know where it is coming from, it is a perfectly reasonable thing to consider. it shouldn't be the ONLY thing to consider, and it shouldn't be the FIRST thing to consider, but after talking about what is going on with her other areas of life, medical issues should also be considered.
Cait, you are clearly unqualified to write this column. Sorry, but you don't go from "we can't make it through an episode of Lost" to "We could watch every season of The Simpsons" in terms of frequency of sex without something being wrong. And sorry, but the suggestion that it's a "chemical imbalance" is a perfectly logical, if possibly poorly worded, one. A normal, healthy early twenty-something doesn't go from perpetually randy to permanently disinterested in sex unless something is wrong - mental, physical, some combination of the two (and most "mental" conditions have a physical root, don't they?). Your double standard slip is showing...if the letter writer were a 22 y/o female whose boyfriend suddenly lost interest in sex, would you be similarly insulted if she suggested he see a doctor?
You need to check your buttons and your baggage at the door and give sound advice. If you're incapable of doing that, you should move back to Austin and not inflict this kind of bullshit on your readers.
Hold on now, human torch. Looks like hers weren't the only buttons that got pushed. You've never had a fucking bad day at the office? So, ok, she got her buttons pushed here and offered up some less-than-stellar advice. I see Savage doing the same from time to time when someone pushes his buttons too.
She's doing a damn sight better than I would have done at her age so far. If you think gave some bonehead advice, say so, and offer up your own. There really is no reason for the personal attack. If she's generally incompetent, I'm sure she'll get the hook soon enough. So far, though, doesn't look that way.
"You need to check your buttons and your baggage at the door and give sound advice." QFT.
(As in: you hit the nail on the head. Someone who can't do that shouldn't be giving advice, especially not professionally.)
I too, got whiplash between answers one and two. If one of them is a self-centered asshole, seems to me both of them are self-centered assholes. I think you've got a little bias showing there Cait.
Main is an Island: Hate to burst your early 20s bubble bud, but you could fill a good sized city with couples that fucked like bunnies the first year of their relationship, then dwindled down to a level that one partner is less than thrilled about. Some people in monogamous relationships just do that. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them. The new just wears off and they get interested in other stuff. Sit her down. State the obvious, without blaming: "We were having a lot more sex six months ago than we are now". Step Two, state how you feel, and what you need. Notice again how you lay no blame: "I was happier when we were having a lot more sex. I'm still really hot for you, and I want you like crazy, all the time". Step three: "Are you happy with how things are now?". Step Four: STFU, and let her talk. If she pauses, just wait, don't feel obliged to jump in and start stating your opinions. You're giving her the opening to either tell you what's up with her, or tell you that yeah, what's happening now is good by her. IF she offers up something that COULD suggest a medical cause, e.g. "I don't know, I'm just really tired and irritable all the time", support her in getting it checked out.
On Deaf Ears: Same as the above for you. Tailor to suit, of course.
This is just about the best, most thoughtful collection of comments on a column ever.
Letter writer 1 - I think you are both way too young to be settling down for life. There is still a great deal of stuff for you to learn about relationships. Perhaps your woman is having second thoughts for exactly this reason. This would explain why she may be cooling off in the intimacy department. It's disappointing that she is shutting down on you and failing to communicate when you are clearly trying to get to the bottom of her lack of desire for you. Try writing a letter to her. Take your time writing it, and then either give it to her, or read it aloud to her. Perhaps she would feel more comfortable replying to you via letter as well. The issue is sensitive and maybe you'd get further asking her write it rather than say it. Worth a try.
Letter writer 2 -
1. how did you FEEL when you discovered that he'd cheated on you?
2. how did you FEEL when you discovered he'd cheated on you with a prostitute?
I think you have been treated with a complete lack of respect. His behaviour suggests that he doesn't respect you or your relationship. There would be very few people out there who would be okay with the way your boyfriend has behaved. If it were me, I would have walked out already.
I really liked the article, and the very cool blog
gO90Vx Read, of course, far from my topic. But still, we can work together. How do you feel about trust management???
sph1jD Hooray! the one who wrote is a cool guy!!!
Thanks a lot! An extremely interesting comment...
Can be also this issue because the truth can be achieved only in a dispute :)))
The text is promising, will place the site to my favorites!!!
Hi! Everyone who reads this blog - Happy Reconciliation and Accord!!!
The text is promising, will place the site to my favorites!!!
Received the letter. I agree to exchange the articlesss
Pleased to read intelligent thoughts in Russian. I`ve been living in England for already 5 years...
It`s really useful! Looking through the Internet you can mostly observe watered down information, something like bla bla bla, but not here to my deep surprise. It makes me happy!!!
Honestly, not bad news...
Excellent! Got a real pleasure!!!
It's pleasant sitting at work to distract from it�to relax and read the information written here:)))
Extremely easy by words but in reality�, a lot of things don`t correspond. Not everything is so rosy!!!
Well, actually, a lot of what you write is not quite true ... well, okay, it does not matter:)))
Yeah, it is clear now ... From the very beginning I did not understand where was the connection with the title .....
wow, lw1's letter hits home (though i wish i could say that i can't relate!)
i've been in a relationship with my gf for 8 years since i was 19 and she was 20. i was the first for her and at first our sex life was good; she was passionate, she would initiate sex, we would do it anywhere and anytime.
then after we moved in, things changed. i'd get a lot of "i'm not in the mood", "the place is a mess", "i had a long day at the office", etc.
i'd be a good bf and pick up the place, bring her flowers, take her out to dinner- nothing worked. i felt horrible, like i wasn't attractive. but eventually i just put sex on the back burner and relegated myself to jerking off b/c i really loved my gf and wanted to be with her; i thought she just needed time to work out her problems on her own, since she definitely didn't want to talk to me about them.
we found other things that we liked to do: hiking, art, cooking, etc. she was happy. i felt like a tool. i was beginning to lose my self-respect! how could i stay with someone that didn't have an interest in me sexually?
eventually, i broke down and ended up sleeping with another girl. it was great b/c it reaffirmed my self-esteem, but i felt bad that i cheated. my gf found some texts from the other girl and called me on it, and i called her on the low sex drive or whatever it was that she had going on.
a few months went by, and my gf was making a half-assed effort to have a sex life. we'd have sex about once a month and she couldn't wait to get it over with fast enough. after doing some research, i thought that it might be the birth control that was causing the issue since day 1. she didn't want to do anything about it (i mean she's getting what SHE wants out of the relationship!) but i told her that i was leaving if this was going to stay a sexless relationship. she just picked up a new scrip for her birth control, so we'll see...
she wants to get married and have kids, but there's no way in hell i'm going to lock myself into a sexless marriage. we have a great relationship otherwise, but there's no getting around the lack of a healthy sex life.
was i wrong to cheat? of course. i feel really bad about it, too. but at the end of the day, if someone isn't getting what they want out of the relationship, they're going outside of the relationship to get it, eventually.
sorry for the novel, but i just wanted to put my story out there and tell lw1 (if he hasn't done so already)- move on. there are plenty of women out there that love sex. let your gf figure out her problems on her own b/c she doesn't have your interests at heart like you do hers.
and yes, reading over this, i realize that i may sound like a jerk. this is just the condensed version, and i don't really give a f*ck if you think i'm wrong for cheating.
Those are bullshit answers. Especially the first, because it gives a response but no real answer to fix the problem. I found with my girlfriend that her various bad pushing me away type of behaviours (such as with the sex), were something that was happening on an unconsious level to her and she had no real reason why. I had no idea how I could fix this and would cause many arguments. At first the advise I found on the internet were the typical 'do more work around the house, romance her more, back off on the sex more, and just be there for her' type of approach so I tried that and no real change in her behaviour. This was turning me into a spineless, ballless beta f*ck that was ultimately less attractive to her. Then I read up on positive & negative reinforcement. You reward good behaviour of hers with attention and ignore the bad behaviour. You make yourself seem more attractive to her, but let her know subtle that she has to work for it by providing positive behaviour. Be more alpha, but only show it just enough to be obvious to her. Be nice to her in ways that don't involve suck holing and NEVER EVER ASK FOR SEX.
I've been with my gf for 7 years total (I'm 26 she's 25). we were together for round 2.5 years and then broke up. when we weren't together we continued seeing each other because we have lots of same friends. we also had sex. there were periods when we had sex frequently and periods without sex. There were also periods when we didnt see each other and tried to have other gfs/bfs. We got back together at the start of the last year and things were better then ever. We always had amazing sex and i was always happy because of it. Last year was amazing, we were happier then ever. Travelled together, did everything together and had an amazing sex. Somewhere around november 2011 we started having problems and had some big fights.
Since new year we had sex 4 times (which, for us, is not normal). We resolved all our issues, i admitted my mistakes, she did the same. I realized that i love her too much and i want to spend the rest of my life with her. We had some amazing conversations in which we realized our love for each other and even talked about living together/wedding/babies. Everything was supposed to be alright but i saw that there was a problem with her. She just isn't up for sex.
We had a conversation about that too and she told me that she doesn't know what the problem is but she just simply isn't up for sex. It's killing me because she was always up for sex before but now isn't up for it. Rejection is a big problem and i can see that i'm losing my self esteem and i don't feel good at all. I just can't explain the fact that girl who loves me doesn't want to have sex with me. Last night we also had a discussion but she started fighting because she just can't talk calmly about it.
ideas? suggestions? thanx in advance
Try touching her with out expecting anything in return. That would turn me off too. Let her come to you. Nobody wants to be hounded for anything. It's a huge turn off
Women jus dont get the original post whats the point in replyin to the guy hes talkin sense! Women r stupid how much attention n compliments cookin food for them n other shit they need? I do all that n still dont get one thing i want in return!