Dear Miss Information,

What's the best way to go about asking a woman to have casual sex with me? I'm a guy. I'd like to have a friend-with-benefits, and some one-night stands. — Budding Libertine

Dear Budding Libertine,

Women you know, or women you meet on the Internet? Big difference there. I've always found that the best, most reliable fuck buddies tend to be people you've already met and dated. Not dated as in "we used to share furniture and argue in Whole Foods." More like "we went out a few times and everything was scintillating except for the conversation." There's also the "we went really far, really fast, and nobody called anybody the next day" as well as the "just a matter of time" platonic friend. All of these people you can take out for a drink somewhere poorly lit on the pretext of catching up and let what happens happen.

The majority will know what you're up to, but compliments on their physical appearance, games like dirty-word Scrabble or erotic Photo Hunt, and flirty body language will help move things along. It also helps to look good and be polite. Walk at her pace. Hold doors. When she talks, don't let your dick distract you from the moment.

As far as women you encounter online, I'm going to turn that over to my friend J. My experience in this realm starts and ends with getting wasted in 2005, logging on to the web, and asking dudes to send me pictures of their dicks. I passed out and woke up to an inbox full of JPGs and a twelve-Advil headache. But J's done quite a bit of this. Here's her take:

"I judge a guy by his words. Emails and message are super important. I don't reply to dudes who type in all caps, can't spell, or have shitty grammar. I know, it's just for sex and I'm sure dumb people are great at fucking. But I don't want to bone them. Also, when a guy replies with what looks like a form letter, that gets deleted. Did he even read my ad? Does he know what I'm looking for or is he just saying 'Yo, I wanna fuck you, I don't care what you want or think'? Because that's the impression I get."

J says those who really want to get laid and have mitigating circumstances may have to deal with unpredictable schedules:

"It's really unsexy when a guy gets whiny and tells me to fuck off when I flake on meeting him. How am I going to make him a priority if he has a wife? I may be a slut, but I'm not a husband-stealing whore."

She also recommends using multiple sites. Think beyond the one that starts with C and rhymes with "ist."

"I have many fuck resources," she says, though she acknowledges that the aforementioned is "the quick-and-dirty instant ramen noodles" for folks wanting a quick bang.

Read more of J's musings at Cruising with the Awesome Slut (NSFW, shocker).

Does anyone else have any more tips for Budding Libertine? What can a guy do to let horny ladies know he's hot, cool, and not psychopants?

Dear Miss Information,

I am a straight guy and fairly submissive to my wife. I really, really love going down on my her but I also want her to shave — if not wax — her lady area a lot more often. The experience is getting unpleasant for me with all that fibrous interference. How do I stay a sub but also be more insistent with her about going downtown? For comparison, I have thought of asking her to try out some smooth lady areas of other women to know where I am coming from, but try-sexual is a whole other suite of issues. Suggestions? — Would Love Just a Landing Strip

Dear Would Love Just a Landing Strip,

Wow. I'm pro-pubes but the phrase "fibrous" used to describe anything south of the panty border elicits a knee-jerk urge to immerse myself in Nair.

Asking your wife to eat someone's bald pussy as a way of showing her you like bald pussy? Bad idea, my friend. You know better than that. Threesomes are one of the few sexual requests more politically fraught than body hair. Of course you can ask your wife for a little polyamory action, but like you said, that's opening up a whole mess of issues. One thing at a time. Let's make sure we put away our crayons before we break out the fingerpaints.

Do you guys role play? If so, you've got a pervy treasure trove of ways to work hair removal into the equation. Offer to strip naked, get on your hands and knees, grab a pair of eyebrow scissors and give your mistress a trim according to her exacting specifications. You could also give her permission to do whatever she wants to your bits and pieces while you have to "earn" grooming privileges for her naughty bits by performing sexual favors. How about making it part of a whole head-to-toe dom/sub spa day in which you do everything from massaging her scalp to shaving her pussy and painting her toenails? Bonus points if you get into character with a white uniform (or loincloth) and succumb to your glamorous femme fatale of a client's demand for a happy ending.

A couple final things to remember:

- Be sensitive. What's a nuisance to you could be deeply tied to her self-esteem. Not to sound like a douche commercial, but it's one of the most personal areas of a woman's body.

- Don't be prescriptive. There are a zillion hair removal choices out there. Let her figure it out. Assuming she wants to figure it out. It's not your time, money, or body.

- Comparisons are for jerkoffs. I've been through my share of relationships and tried out a variety of ladybits styles. The one thing I've never (ever!) responded to? Guys who bring up ex-girlfriends or porn stars as potential pubic hair role models. Of course you can think it. But don't say it.

Readers, any other thoughts for Would Love Just a Landing Strip?

Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Commentarium (37 Comments)

Mar 08 10 - 4:38am

My advice to Budding Libertine:
(1) Instill trust and respect in a relationship with someone before becoming fuck buddies. This might mean taking your time befriending a girl before trying to get into bed with her.
(2) Chemistry is important, even in a one-night stand. Treat her well, make her feel sexy, build suspense...
(3) Back to (1), I guess trying to befriend her might give her the wrong impression unless you make it very clear you are not looking for a relationship other than no-strings-attached. It's probably wise to choose a girl with whom you get along and who you can trust and speak openly with, but also one who you would be incompatible with in a serious relationship. Takes a lot of pressure off, knowing you can fuck a friend and not worry about why you're not in a serious relationship.
There's my long-winded advice, based on what worked in my situation (I'm a girl, this is how the guy got me). I'm not saying this advice is right, or it's the only thing that'll work... depends on the people involved and the initial relationship you're working with. Good luck!

Mar 08 10 - 8:38am

Shaved pubic areas give me the creeps. I just can't help associating that kind of 'baldness' with little girls. I am suspicious of men who dislike this sign of a sexually mature woman. I keep mine under control, but looking down and seeing no hair? Horrible. I think the Landing Strip guy is picking on this as just one unsatisfactory of his relationship...Ironically, it's a cover up.

Mar 08 10 - 10:42am

I must admit, the women who are obsessive about shaving down there are the best sex.

Mar 08 10 - 10:52am

Start a blog.

Act like a sane human being in the blog. Make it clear that you are open for casual sex in the blog. Have the blog link to your AIM address. Then comment on the blogs of girls who have made it clear that they are interested in NSA sex. Make those comments sane and respectful. Eventually girls will hit you up on AIM.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Mar 08 10 - 10:55am

i'm a woman who prefers my pubes removed (shaved is OK but waxed is better) because it FEELS better. i'm not going to get into the connotations of a bald pussy because i'm not a little girl. i have tits and a job so yeah, i don't think anyone is going to mistake me for a nine year old virgin. pussies smell and taste much better when denuded (i have done extensive research with other women...after all, check the username) and the sensitivity factor increases by ten-fold.

but i admit, i keep a small triangle up top because it just looks pretty and it doesn't get in the way of all the fun friction. nobody's calling my fuck time "fibrous."

Mar 08 10 - 11:26am

Why is that whenever the pubic hair discussion comes up, somebody feels the need to make the no pubic hair = little girls comparison? Yes, we know. You think its gross. We've all heard it 20 majillion times before. I realize it boggles the mind, but some of us are in fact capable of telling the difference between an adult with no pubic hair and a little girl. And we don't even need to see pubic hair to do it! Noone in the history of even dumb people uses pubic hair to figure out how old someone is. If you're trying that approach, you're doing it wrong.

Mar 08 10 - 11:37am

maybe ella is a midget (or is that "little person") and can only see people at crotch level.

Mar 08 10 - 12:49pm

for the guy who wants his wife to groom.. once she starts doing it i'm sure she'll be happy with it. when you get waxed, whether it's a full brazilian or just semi, you just feel sexier and even powerful in a way. it's like you have a secret, like wearing no panties. shaving that area is awful. you get stubble and red dots... blech! go for the wax. it's a bit painful at first but then oh so fine...

and as for the guy who wants a friend with benefits... i have a few of these situations going on. most started with some kind of dating and either we knew we weren't going to fall in love or we just weren't right for each other circumstantially, but we liked each other as people and we felt attracted to one another. in any case, think about some of the women you've dated who fit either of these categories and give it a go, like erin said. you know you already like them, and hopefully they have mutual feelings toward you (the attraction is there but you both know a deep relationship wouldn't work) it's important, though, to be honest in your behavior and in your words. everything should be on the table as far as what you're looking for. be respectful and kind and in those ways everyone feels good about what you share.

Mar 08 10 - 1:31pm

Man, people get hateful quickly. But I agree with the commenter who is suspicious of men who get a little too excited about a bald mound. Trim and maintenance is one thing...

Mar 08 10 - 3:16pm

@Libertine: I agree with Miss Info that people you already know make the best fuck buddies, but if you go the stranger route, be aware that she's probably going to want to meet in public first, and she might bolt unexpectedly. Meeting strangers for casual sex is far from being a risk-free endeavour, so respect her boundaries and don't act entitled. Good luck to you.

@Landing Strip: Your Dom-sub dynamic might not allow for this, but I would really encourage you to just say to her (NOT in media res, but during non-sexy-time) "I love it when you're really smooth. Is it possible for you to shave [or whatever her preferred method is] more often?" She might have a valid reason not to want to go bare all the time, or maybe she just didn't think it mattered enough to you for her to bother.

And ENOUGH with the judgement about those of us who prefer to go bare. It's ludicrous and condescending to suggest that anyone who prefers shaved nethers on a woman must be a closet pedophile. It's totally fine for you to not like it yourself, but body-snarking women who do (and the men and women who love to fuck them) is not cool.

Mar 08 10 - 5:47pm

Depending on what city the friends-with-benefits-wanter is in, I'd recommend poly and kink events. Granted, single guys are often viewed askance, but if you're cute, fun, friendly, and non-creepy, there are a lot of non-monogamous girls out there who would be thrilled to have casual encounters with someone fun who's not going to interfere with their lives too much.

Mar 08 10 - 6:10pm

Synchronicity--just read on Belle de Jour's blog, the ad she placed when she was looking for no-strings fun. I'd consider it inspirational . .

By most criteria I'm a reasonable person - not secretly married, or a gold digger, or hiding a meth habit that makes Britney Spears look like Mother of the Year. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) At this point I'd take Britney, Kevin, and the entire cast of backing dancers over some of the frankly puzzling dates I've had recently.

Which brings us to the dilemma: how does an independent young woman find a casual relationship? Am not interested in one-night stands because, let's be honest, taxi fare from the Bigg Market back to mine is extortionate. Also one-off sex is usually crap. I'd like to meet someone several times a month (drinks, dinner and sleeping over optional) who has mojo to spare. Somewhere there must be a gorgeous man with a filthy mind who is up for hot regular sex...

Sounds simple, no? Maybe even appealing? And yet, I can't sodding give it away in Newcastle. There's no secret agenda. No games. I'm congenitally incapable of clingy. Mysteriously, my phone is not ringing off the hook. The trend seems to be meet a lad, go for a pint, and then... nothing. I like exploring the city's real ale haunts as much as the next girl, but this is the very limit.

There's no laundry list of requirements. Let's meet and see whether sparks fly. Granted, if you have a Nobel Laureate mind in a gym-honed bod, that would be a plus. But sexy is in the eye of the beholder - I also fancy Bill Murray.

So if you're a man between 25 and 35 who is not married and not flaky, then this girl would like to start a mutually rewarding sexual relationship with you. Bring your photo and a sense of humour; I'll bring the Astroglide and Nutella.

Peace out, man.


Mar 08 10 - 8:10pm

Wow, that second answer is really quite good. I feel like that guy has something to work with now. Even if I totally can't relate to him!

Mar 08 10 - 11:28pm

I read something the other day (yeah, I know, way to cite a source) that suggests one of the reasons pubic hair exists is to signal sexual maturity to potential mates. Which is interesting. I don't think people who prefer shaved are lusting after pre-pubescent girls, but it does take a certain maturity to accept that body hair is natural and not dirty or revolting. That being said, if you and/or your partner have a strong preference for shaving/not shaving, you should both work to accommodate the other, based on the fact that it is YOUR relationship, and what gets you off, gets you off, despite what popular opinion says.

Mar 08 10 - 11:29pm

In case that last part wasn't entirely clear: I meant to say do what works for you and your partner, your relationship, not what you read elsewhere.

Mar 08 10 - 11:32pm

Anathema--when you find the guy to answer your ad, ask him if he has a brother in NYC and give him my email address. I feel your pain.

Mar 09 10 - 12:33am

anathema and the obvious...come to tel aviv....your phone will be ringing off the hook and you'll have the best sex of your life. israelis are amazing lovers.

Mar 09 10 - 3:48am

You women are doing something wrong if you can't find exactly the situation you're looking for. I know guys that would qualify, there must be plenty more. Heck, I'm one (@theobvious--I'm in New Haven).

Put an adult ad on Craigslist. Or if you don't like the guys that would attract, put out a "casual dating" ad either there or on some dating site. Make it clear you're not looking for marriage anytime soon, nor children. You should be able to attract some decent guys that like the idea of some fun dating that doesn't have the pressure of a ticking clock.

Or find a guy at a bar, make sure he walks away with your number and the idea that you two will go on a date later.

When you finally hit it off with a promising prospect, tell him what you want. Some will say "no" because they're looking for a "real" g.f., but you're bound to find what you want fairly quick.

If you like a guy but he seems to be calling it quits on the dates before you've told him, tell him anyway. He may have decided you two won't work as a "real" relationship, but he might be happy to have a casual relationship with you.

Mar 10 10 - 2:05am

i wouldn't consider speaking with, much less fucking, a guy who thought pubic hair was gross. I also wouldn't fuck a guy with a soul patch, which is the male equivalent of the female landing strip. who pays this much fucking attention to hair and what on earth would i have in common with them?

Mar 10 10 - 9:50am

For those of you seeking someone for more than a one-night stand, but not as much as a relationship, and who is really single and not cheating on someone, and isn't a sleaze, another resource you might consider is people who are way too busy for a relationship but would like some occasional sex anyway. I suspect there are a lot more of these kinds of people lately, because with the economy, businesses are laying off employees, and the ones left behind have to pick up the slack. The problem is finding them, because they aren't going to be hanging out at bars or pretty much anywhere else - they're way too busy for that! And if you hang out in corporate parking lots propositioning the ones who leave really late, they'll think you're a hooker. So hopefully you can find someone through friends-of-friends-of-contacts or neighbors or the like. Other good no-time-for-relationships people might include small business owners who have to work long hours, and grad students and young faculty at universities who hold teaching positions and are also trying to get their research noticed.

Mar 10 10 - 10:28am

Hey, I can appreciate a man with a soul patch. Apolo Ohno is bringing it back...

Mar 11 10 - 12:24am

ok, jp, I don't get it. Women shouldn't shave but men should? One could argue that any woman who is interested in men who shave their faces want a man who looks like a little boy. After all, a "natural" adult male has a full beard. The only reason we are used to clean shaven men is IT'S A STYLE. Just like bald pussies are a STYLE. That's all it is, any other significance is your mind but not necessarily the mind of the woman who shaves/waxes or the man who finds it attractive.

Mar 13 10 - 4:56am

Not knowing personally what it's like to be with a women completely shave, I can't speak to anyone's inclinations in that matter. But as a guy who truly enjoys "dining at the Y", I will say this. Trimmed, as in preserving some sort of control over the hedge, is far better than going out to the wild and wooly. It's long wild hairs that drive me crazy and not in a good way. They get stuck between teeth, can make breathing a chore while working, and generally are unpleasant. That's all I have to add.

Mar 31 10 - 1:55am

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Aug 28 10 - 3:01pm

hooray for libertines!

Sep 16 10 - 3:19am

A man I know came up to me I work with and asked me if I wanted to have casual "no strings attached "sex with him and I was shocked at first and when I thought about it for a minue. I thought "yes" because I was between boyfriends and it did not offend me. If I said no and he had been persistant that would have offended me. We started a casual sexual relationship and guess what, he wants to become more than casual.

Feb 24 11 - 12:44am

I love the feeling of waxing, but let's be honest: what about the 3-4 weeks between guys? Are a few glorious days (just shy of a week max) worth serious pokes for the next 2-3 weeks?

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