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March 13, 2011
Miss Information
Why won't my new boyfriend sleep with me? Do I have to draw him a map?
By Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email missinfo@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I am a twenty-two-year-old woman and have been with my boyfriend, twenty-five, for a little over two years. I love him very much. We have a great relationship in so many ways: we love spending time together, we have great communication, and have plenty of affection and emotional intimacy between us. But for the last six months, maybe more, the physical chemistry just hasn't been there — for both of us somewhat, but mostly for me.
We've talked about it, we've tried a whole mess of things, and nothing seems to be working. About four months ago we decided to open our relationship with the hope that it would generate more excitement between us. While there have been none of the issues one would normally associate with open relationships (jealousy, etc.), it hasn't really generated the excitement that I hoped it would. It's definitely not my libido — honestly, I want sex all the freaking time. I'm just not at all excited to have it with him, much as it pains me to admit that. And I wouldn't be happy with just having a companionate relationship and getting my kicks elsewhere.
Lately I have been feeling that we just can't fix this and I need to end this relationship. But every time I think about it, it feels unbearable: I can hardly breathe and I just start crying. He is a wonderful person and I love him so, so much. I have a great group of friends that I'm very close with, but he really is dearest to me. I know I'm not fulfilled in this relationship, and I've put everything that I have into it and am still not getting what I need from it. I know staying in it when we can't make it better is not fair to either of us. But the thought of letting him go is just unbearable, as is the thought of hurting him. I feel heartsick all the time and I feel so selfish for thinking this way. What can I do?
— At a Loss
Dear At a Loss,
In every wedding toast in every rom-com ever, the groom hoists his glass and says some variation of "She's not just my wife — she's my best friend." Cue violins! Our friend Ryan Reynolds and the monkeys who script him are on to something: the difference between "best friend" and "boyfriend" is the addition or subtraction of a sexual component. If that's lacking for you two, you need to reevaluate.
From your letter, it sounds like you are on the way out of this relationship. And that's okay. Don't assume that a breakup will equal permanent estrangement. Just because you stop dating doesn't mean he'll be out of your life forever. Breakups suck, always. It will be rough going for awhile, but if you both conduct yourselves with maturity and compassion for each other, you can minimize the scars while giving yourselves the space to establish yourselves independently of each other. Once you're each on solid footing, you can begin to negotiate the boundaries of your new, slightly modified relationship.
Love exists in many forms, and the (widespread) assumption that romantic love trumps all others discredits the validity — and importance! — of other relationships. It will take work, but you can absolutely maintain your emotional intimacy while physically heading in other directions. There are so many ways to be in love. Don't kill it by clinging to the one form that isn't working for you.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm twenty-four and he's twenty-three. We were acquaintances for two years before we reconnected at a friend's party in November and started going on dates immediately after. We went out about two times a week last month. When I got sick, he gave me his favorite sweater so I could stay warm and texted often to see how I was feeling.
Here's what's weird: although we've had two sleepovers, we only kiss or make out (although I try to make it clear I'm definitely willing to do more). He has no problem initiating making out, but anytime I've tried to turn the makeout session into something heavier, he kisses me even softer or pauses altogether. When I ask if he is all right, he says he's fine.
I'm afraid to try for anything below the belt yet until I get more signs from him. I can tell that he's turned on, but neither of us takes action.
He's pretty shy and I don't want to make him feel bad by bringing it up in conversation. As a girl, I also feel uncomfortable bringing out the "define the relationship" talk. I really like him and do not want to scare him away, but I'm looking for a boyfriend and not casual dates. I don't need it to be all "serious" and "marriage-y", just someone to go out with more often and everything that comes with that in bed. How do I let him know I want to move this forward?
— Cockblocked
Dear Cockblocked,
You have let him know you want to move this forward. And he gets it — that's why he pulls away. He's not dumb, but he clearly doesn't know what to do here. Rather than explain or articuate how he's feeling, he turns off. And that puts the responsibility and burden of communication on you. The answer isn't "try harder;" the answer is closer to "check in."
That insidious "ladybrain = babies/marriage/flirtinis/
A conversation like this also doesn't have to be a stressful affair. You can keep it light and and abstract without stepping on anyone's sexual-anxiety toes. Maybe start like this: "You're really hot and I love spending time with you." (Flattery! It will get you everywhere.) Then: "I feel like there's a weird boundary here, and I want to check in with you to make sure you're still comfortable with what's going on." Stay clear of anything that could be taken as accusation (i.e. "Why do you pull away when all I want is some sweet lovin'?") and you should be fine. But also, stay firm: if you're going to be involved with him, you deserve to have your needs acknowledged, too. "I'm fine" doesn't cut it as a response.
Once you discuss the make-out issue, then you can figure out whether you want to expand it into a broader State of the Union talk. (That's where you spring the marriage offer! Ha ha ha!) But honestly, if he can't explain his hesitation at this point, he's probably going to make a crappy boyfriend.
Tags
First Time Sex
Libido
Want More?
Commentarium (55 Comments)
Regardless of personal issues, any human being has a right to have sex. If someone won't share it with you, someone else will. If everyone could understand this simple concept, there'd probably be a lot less drama in relationships: There's no such thing as monogamous celibacy, people...
"There's no such thing as monogamous celibacy, people..."
Actually, there is. If everyone involved in a relationship chooses not to have sex, but stay monogamous with one another...there you are. Also, I'm skeptical that sex - something that necessarily involves the enthusiastic and free consent of another person - can be a "right."
Your own consent is your right. So is another person's consent. Not endorsing rape... I can understand monogamous celibacy applying to some older people, but denying sexuality doesn't seem to work out very well. Just ask the Catholic church!
Another person's consent is not your "right." There are people that simply cannot find a consenting partner in this world, and they are not being denied a human right because they can't get laid.
Also, there are people with low to nonexistent sex drives and asexual people that are quite young and can still feel strong romantic affection for others. Finding a celibate, loving partner is not 'denying sexuality,' it's accepting that your alternative sexuality.
Hey, "nope"... I should clarify, one person's consent is not another's right. I certainly don't mean that another person's consent is MY right. Logically, that doesn't make any sense at all. I'm not hating on those with low sex drives, but more on those who actually try to control or manipulate another person's sexuality for their own gain. In any relationship based upon trust, a person should respect their own happiness and satisfaction as much as their partner's, regardless of how often they are sexual.
Hey! Thanks for clarifying, I definitely agree with that.
Allow me to paraphrase jr and say that everyone has a right to seek sex with consenting adults. Obviously no one is entitled to sex itself.
Ooo I relate with both of these. #1 I was in the same situation, married the guy (we were young and dumb), and am now going through a divorce b/c a lifetime of sexual frustration made me dead inside even though we were best friends. We even did the open relationship thing like you guys and holy crap that blew up. I used to wonder how I'd ever survive without him... turns out I'm fine. You would be, too.
#2 the last time a guy did that to me he had a girlfriend (which I didn't find out about until later). He'd hit his personal cheating barrier and stop. Just talk to the guy.
it's best to be real, true and honest rather than compromise. Compromise sucks. I am currently navigating an ex-girlfriend who came back into town and now wants to get back together. i can feel where she wants to make out but there is a part of me that just says no. best for me to listen what my inner voices are saying.
#2: there's many possibilities: he's a virgin or inexperienced & shy so not sure what "more" is, religious-wait-for-marriage upbringing, the cheating-barrier, etc. Though the solution to them all is communicating with him. (You can take a guess if the most likely is he's shy, one way of communicating is grabbing his cock and see where that leads.)
Blocked-from-the-cock: He's not into you. Or rather, there is someone or something that he is into more.
Not true! That's possible, but a lot of people are simply too shy, especially if they're inexperienced. I was once seeing a young woman, much like you describe; we had kissed and slept with one another several times (without sex). After exausting all of the usual signals, she bluntly asked me to have sex with her. I said yes, but didn't make a move from there and we never ended up having sex even though I wanted to! And I was really into her! I was inexperienced and didn't really know what to do!
All of the !'s are intended to portray urgency.
#1 Say goodbye. You are cheating him out of having a meaningful relationship and you are not having a meaningful relationship. It is selfish and mean.
# 2 Say goodbye. He has issues...you don't.
Miss Information, your advice to #1 is a bit naive. I was in a similar situation, and I ended the relationship after a few months of "Let's see if we can fix this talks." I was sensitive, and it was not unexpected. A year and a half later, despite having so many mutual friends, he doesn't give me the time of day. Not everyone is capable of being friends with his or her ex.
Sure, but the advice is still the same: break up with him. I don't think Miss Info's advice was overly optimistic, I thought she was just saying that you're going to have to do something difficult and there's no harm in hoping for the best.
#2: When I was younger, I(male) was terrified of accidentally becoming a parent, despite knowing how all the various birth control methods worked.
He could be reluctant to screw up a perfectly good friendship.
He could be afraid that he won't live up to your imagination.
Or he could be looking down the road, not seeing a life together, and doesn't want to be a "use her and dump her" jerk.
Do ask him, ideally in a setting that'll feel safe for him.
Dear jr,
Stop being so cynical!seriously there are plenty of monogamous relationships.My parents have been married nearly twenty odd years now and never once has either of them ever for a moment looked away from each other. People can desire things but it doesn't mean they'll want them long term ("desire makes everything blossom, possession makes everything wither and fade"-mark Proust). People also have willpower to deny passing whims. Maybe not being celibate works for you but don't deny that for others it's good!
Cc, maybe you misunderstood: I don't think there's anything wrong at all with monogamy. If both people choose to be celibate and are happy, more power to 'em. However, if that isn't the case it can be a disaster. Some people lose their libido or worse, use sex to manipulate. Maybe celibate monogamy was the wrong term. Maybe, sexual prisoner? Wait, that sounds too fun...
Seeing as I am a male in a relationship for the last 3.5 years and have not had sex in that time, I am uniquely qualified to comment I think. Umm to make it simple from my own life, I choose not to have sex for a few reasons. Firstly, I do not get any pleasure out of the act of sex. Physically it does very little for me. Secondly, I suck at it and certainly do not have what any women are looking for. Thirdly, I have long given up trying to please any women especially since it does nothing for me at all. My girlfriend has never had a steady sex life, but she has had some great sex in her past and she has nothing to gain with having sex with me. We are otherwise very happy and she has always had the option of being with another man but has never wanted to. So she has made a decision to stay with full knowledge that sex will never happen so long as we are together.
Dubster. I think you need to have sex with a guy once and see how that goes.
It would probably make some sense if I was attracted to men. I am attracted to women however, but I have no desire to actually have sex with them. Not in the real world anyway. Fantasy good, reality sucks.
Do you want to tell us exactly why the fantasy is good and the reality sucks? Just curious. My assumption might that it's the result of a lack of frequency? Body issues? There's nothing wrong with your scenario as long as you're both happy and satisfied.
The fact that I do not enjoy sex is a surefire cue that she doesn't get anything out of it too. Fantasy is great because I don't have to be a part of it. It's always better if someone else does the deed.
Do you masturbate? Or is it an asexual thing? I ask because I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't into sex but still jerked off, so obviously he was capable of enjoying it, just didn't. For him, I think it had to do with depression and anxiety + meds making him biochemically unable to deal with another human. But he still had the natural urges, so he just dealt with them alone. Seemed kind of sad, but I guess whatever works for you.
actually, some asexual people do masturbate. An orgasm still feels good, even if you're not thinking about anyone when you do it.
For #2---I went out with someone like this once, who in my city turned out to be notorious for this behavior--he would make out with girls, but he wouldn't have sex. He would date educated, athletic, politically liberal women, of which there are a finite number in my city, and so we all end up knowing each other. We formed a club (not really, it's just a joke we share) and he continues to be a topic of lively discussion. We don't think he's gay-- we just think he's kind of asexual. And now he's just been an independent grown-up too long and will probably never change.
Basically, it's not you, it's him. Move on. He'll still invite you (and all the other women) to his parties.
Men have just as many expectations on them in relation to sex as women. Sometimes it's just easier to be celibate than deal with the crap around sex. Women do this all the time. No different for men, we juat have different expectations placed on us.
#1 - My sister married her best friend and sex was terrible. She spent a lot of time and energy thinking something was wrong with her. There wasn't - she just wasn't sexually attracted to him. Result: divorce and in less than a year she met the man she's still with 10 years later and much happier.
#2 He's waiting for a possible STD situation to resolve itself. Happened to me. Waited two months.
re: #1: plenty of couples find over time that they're sexually incompatible, yet very well-suited in other ways. Instead of just dumping the entire relationship, and hoping they can remain friends, why not open up the relationship? And, I'm surprised you didn't recommend that they see a physician and/or counselor-- decreased libido has myriad causes.
did you uh, read the letter? They have opened up their relationship, and she does not have a decreased libido, she just does for him. Both are very explicitly stated.
umm... why did #2 even need to write in? All she has to do is (in the moment) say "I'd really like to take this further, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable." That's his cue to tell you what's going on. And he will. Not hard. Problem solved.
90% of all questions to all sex advice columnists can, should and are answered with "talk to your fucking partner already!"
Two possibilities with #2:
1. He's a virgin and terrified that if/when she finds out she'll freak.
2. His last gf cheated on him and his doctor told him to wait xxx number of months to make sure he didn't contract an STD from her.
RE #2:
I thought Nerve's advice was spot on with this...Just because something similar has happened to you does not mean that #2's case is the same. There's definitely many potential reasons for #2's man's behaviour, so why make assumptions (and then make decisions based on those assumptions) before you have actually tried asking the guy??
Sometimes you don't have to assume...hopefully he'll open up and explain the deal with some tactfully worded and timed questioning from #2. Booyeah.
#2
He probably has herpes and hasn't built up the courage to have "the talk" with you yet.
Cait--You're such a girl! I and all my guy friends say-"Just tell him you'd like some sex" and see what he says. You can't figure him out--he hasn't figured himself out--or he'd have told you already. JUST TALK WITH HIM!!! I love a girl who tells me what she wants and lets me say what I'm thinking (and LISTENS)--and tells me what she wants again.
#1... I wonder if... there is something really simple that happened that turned him off. I know relationships fade, its the American way, but i wonder if he got hurt somewhere or fed up or just plain grossed out. Can you see a place where it turned? was it hot for a while and then did it turn on a dime?
Regardless, I think you should have the sex you want. This life is too short. I agree with someone said it will morph and change and you might have the right relationship some day. Good luck!
Cockblocked - I'm curious, how are you trying to make it clear that you're willing to do more than make out if you haven't moved it below the belt? I recommend sticking your hands down his pants and seeing what happens.
#1: You just gotta go. You're way too young to give up great sex with someone you're in love with. I recently ended a seven-year relationship that had major sexual problems; I had that same feeling of dread for YEARS even thinking of breaking up, until one day I didn't. Breaking up sucks, but this will really be better for you both in the long run. My ex and I are working very hard at staying friends, and it's difficult but rewarding. Try it.
#1 - Am I the only one who finds this letter extremely vague? What kind of "mess of things" did you try? Was the sex with other people in an open relationship satisfying? If yes, what exactly was satisfying about it? Are you living together? Was the sex EVER really good?
The letter could have been written by my ex, who said "I am just not sexually attracted to you anymore... I met someone who I click with" - except... let me provide a few details
- he is in his mid-40s
- he has a chain of quasi-relationships behind where the "sex wasn't good anymore" - his words
- he does not have a job and has not had a steady job for his whole life - he lives on the proceeds of his childhood sexual abuse case
- he practices non-ejaculation, which often makes intercourse really difficult
- what was I doing with him? He is a sweet, charming and fun.
See how a few details can provide a whole different story?
clarification - "he practices non-ejaculation" - due to his religious beliefs.
#2 the BF might have an STD that he is afraid to talk about. Ask him, maybe even list them. Or maybe he has ED (erectile disfunction) or PE (premature ejaculation). With either of these the best solution would be to get naked with him w/o trying to do penetration. A couple of nude sleep-overs should get him much more comfortable with being naked around you.
I really liked the article, and the very cool blog
OMG. Im the same age as you! My BF wont have sex with me either. He said wants to wait and marry me. I laughed at the thought of marriage and kids. Now hes all hurt and doesn't want to see me anymore. I will never understand the male species.