Please Advise: Why do I feel sad and angry during sex?

Nerve readers help out a woman with some conflicted sexual feelings.

Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this woman out. You can give her advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page.

Dear Nerve,

For the past few months, I’ve been having a weird response to sex. First, I need to say that I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and he's the sweetest, most supportive person imaginable. But lately, sometimes when he stimulates my G-spot, I have an amazing orgasm, but I also feel intensely sad or angry, or both. I cry, scream, and come at the same time. Needless to say, this is disturbing for both of us.

I've never been raped or abused. I lead a pretty hum-drum life: I don't like my job very much but other than that, I don't know why I would be sobbing every time I have an orgasm. I use an IUD (Mirena) and no other medications. Has anyone ever heard of anything like this? It's gotten to the point that I'm wondering if I actually have been raped in the past and maybe I'm repressing the memory. But if so, why is it only recently that I've been sad and angry during sex? What’s going on?

— Potential Demon-Haver

Commentarium (25 Comments)

Dec 29 11 - 1:19am
W

It is possible you were sexually abused at a very young age. Young enough that you don't remember it. Or young enough that you were easily able to suppress it. Emotional trauma, left undealt with, can lay dormant inside us and then start surfacing as we get older in unexpected ways. I suggest finding a sex-positive therapist and examine your situation.

Dec 29 11 - 4:57pm
LS

While I don't want to downplay the experiences of people who have been sexually abused at a young age, I do want to urge caution in regard to seeking out repressed memories. There have been many tragedies wherein therapists, sometimes with the best of intentions, other times unscrupulously, helped clients to "remember" abuse which never occurred. It's actually disturbingly easy to do. Look up "false memory syndrome" for more information. For anyone who is interested, Remembering Satan is a great book on a tragic true case.

Dec 31 11 - 12:20am
Karla

The documentary "Capturing the Friedman's" would be another example.

Dec 29 11 - 1:24am
Betty

560,000 results on Google for "Mirena mood swings." The website says 5-10% of users will have a "depressed mood" which can be industry-speak for "your brain will go crazy." Get off of Mirena and see if you still have the same symptoms.

Dec 29 11 - 1:28am
ebeatle

Sex is an intense experience. You don't have to have been raped to cry as a response. Rape has nothing to do with sex, anyways...

I don't have any medical advice to give, but my own experience (including having been raped) informs me that when I cry after having an intense, body-racking orgasm, it's because I had an intense emotional response to a great round of sex (and of course, with the person I love). And the few times I've gotten angry during sex, it's ended with an amazing orgasm.

So... maybe you just need to stop being so afraid and surprised by your emotion. Enjoy the wild mood swings of sex! And tell your boyfriend to get over it. I'm betting before long he'll start counting on it.

Dec 29 11 - 1:37am
j

i get emotional during g-spot orgasms sometimes, too, although i usually just feel like crying my eyes out in a happy way. i always just thought of it positively, almost as a spiritual thing...someone you love is hitting you right in the core of your being and it's just an overwhelming happiness that is released. maybe you're confusing what you're feeling with anger because you aren't sure how to control it?

Jan 07 12 - 5:57am
KGB

Perhaps you are an HSP... http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm
Which is awesome.

Dec 29 11 - 2:29am
other_j

If it's only/mostly happening from g-spot orgasms, and everything used to be fine, it doesn't sound like it's psychological. You definitely need to talk to your gyno about it, because it might be the Mirena (I had emotional side effects appear after years on the same birth control with no problems, so don't assume that since this problem didn't appear before, it isn't due to your BC), and your doctor might have suggestions. If it's not the birth control, it sounds like it could just be a weird neurological thing-- some wires are crossed somewhere. That isn't strange, it's the same reason that people are turned on by having their ears or feet touched. Don't worry about it so much, and maybe read "The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat" by Oliver Sacks, or something like that, to get more of an idea of the crazy things your brain can do.

Dec 29 11 - 5:22am
Nat

This should totally be a LoveLine call

Dec 29 11 - 10:05pm
Anon

Agreed!

Dec 29 11 - 1:59pm
some guy

living in San Francisco, gives you access to all types of sexual education. One of those things are g-spot and neo-tantra techniques.

Anyway, according to neo-tantra, women store all types of memories and emotions in their g-spot. Not just rage, or sadness like you've been feeling, but joy, fear, happiness etc. These feelings don't nesc have to do with anything sexual. It could be you are angry at your job for not recognizing your accomplishments. Or angry at your mother for something else (that could be from the past or present) It could be a million things. Many emotions that don't get expressed when they happen get stored there.

So, according to neo-tantra, whats happening is that you are just re-exposing those feelings that you choose to bury/repress instead of process when they happened (maybe you couldn't blow up at someone because you had other things to do or it wasn't the right time/place). You are somewhat vounerabkle since you are being intament with your partner, so the feelings are very "raw" and "real."

So, just go thru the pain, and let your partner know whats going on. So before he starts let him know "i may get angry or sad and start crying. Please dont think im mad or angry at you, and just help me get thru it. And please dont freak out...I need your support thru this"

Usually, when you keep going with the g-spot massage, the pain will be released form the body,and you will be able to feel MORE intense pleasure and joy. The saying is that you removed some negativity, so now you have more room for positivity.

here are some books if you care to learn more
this first book is an awesome read for both men or women, I highly recommend it.
http://www.amazon.com/Womens-Anatomy-Arousal-Sheri-Winston/dp/057803395X...

the 2nd book is will give more info about tantra, and this issue in particular
http://www.amazon.com/Tantra-Erotic-Empowerment-Enriching-Sexual/dp/0738...

there are other books I read, but they for men, so I didn't include them. I know this sound like a bunch of hippie mumbo jumbo, but my wife has went thru this already, and this is how i know what I have learned to be at least partially true.

I hope this helps

Dec 29 11 - 3:07pm
Betty

Neo what??? I guess more than one person here needs to lay off the Mirena.

Dec 29 11 - 6:37pm
moops

Well, as long as it's all "proven science" and so forth.

Anyone for some neo-Jesus?

Dec 29 11 - 7:39pm
someGuy

neo-tantra is just a fancy buzz word for new style of tantra that's more based on sexuality. The original, ancient tantric practice is not only about sex like the modern buzz wrty version is...so to not offend people who are true tantra practitioners, i use a word that reflects that.

now you know...

Dec 29 11 - 5:00pm
CharlieGoodnight

I don't actually think this is all that weird... sex can help us release feelings we have trouble accessing in everyday life, especially when it occurs in an emotionally safe space. Lots of folks cry during or after sex, when they're able to let go of tension they might not be aware they've been holding- some folks get happy, or sad, or want to be held, or want to go out and climb a mountain. For whatever reason, you release anger and sadness, and that's ok! Release that stuff, and you'll be free of it.

IF it's something that interests you, though, you might want to do some reading on BDSM... some of us actually like to explore emotional and physical colors that aren't necessarily thought of as a part of traditional sex, like anger or sadness in this case- we enjoy it so much that we actually cultivate it in our sex lives. You may have stumbled onto that kind of emotional territory unintentionally, and find that disturbing, which is totally legit.... but feeling sad and angry during sex doesn't have to be wrong! I don't think there is any "wrong" way to feel during sex. Good luck!

Dec 29 11 - 5:11pm
Anononon

I've had similar experiences and I'll say this--my bodies decision to cut loose in the crazy way is directly related to how strongly I feel about someone and how safe in their presence. When I have the strong feelings for someone, it not only makes sex and orgasms better, it can also stir up some old pain (we all have it as a result of life, trauma or not). Maybe this is the case with you? It might be helpful for your partner to know that you feel safe enough with him, and that's why this is happening. I don't know anything about tantra, but what the above person said sounds totally right to me, based on my experience. I've also experienced the opposite end of the spectrum -- heartbreak making me impossibly horny (wtf?). It seems totally plausible to me that our emotions and our g-spots are connected.

Dec 29 11 - 8:15pm
Susan

I agree that the birth control may be partly to blame for extreme emotional swings during lovemaking.Anything that affects you hormonally,ie. menopause, your menstrual cycle definitely affects your moods.I find when I have intense orgasm, and luckily g-spot orgasms I feel much more emotional,whether it be happy or sad.I've never experienced anger but anything's possible.I agree with whoever suggested to be careful of attributing your emotionalism to repressed memory.Horror stories abound about people who have 'repressed trauma memories'.Good luck!

Dec 29 11 - 11:15pm
LiquidCourage

I fuckin' agree that withdrawal may be partly to blame for extreme emotional swings during sex. I HATE having to do that!

Dec 29 11 - 11:20pm
Missy

Maybe your having a migraine?
You might need a rest from sexual activity, too much sexual touching can cause a chemical imbalance in the brain, possibly migraines, or if you have an undetected tendency for migraines the rush of feeling from orgasm can bring a migraine on even when you have a healthy amount of sex.
Migraines can be intensely emotionally and physically painful.

Dec 30 11 - 9:39pm
Ava

I second this because I have had this experience in conjunction with my migraines and orgasm/partner sex. You may not even have the headache part of the migraine, it could be just the "aura" symptoms called a "silent migraine". Migraines can be triggered my orgasm.

Dec 31 11 - 11:07am
Jeff @DTM

I feel cheated! I get the migraines, but no sex....

Dec 30 11 - 9:36pm
Ava

I have this experience often. It will not be expected at all. Sex will come to an end after I have an orgasm and there will just be a flood of tears. I know this has nothing to do with my partner or any past sexual experiences. I really believe it is a combination of hormones and of the release from an orgasm. Especially if I haven't had really rock-your-world satisfying sex in a while, I will get this. CharlieGoodnight here commented "I don't actually think this is all that weird... sex can help us release feelings we have trouble accessing in everyday life, especially when it occurs in an emotionally safe space. Lots of folks cry during or after sex, when they're able to let go of tension they might not be aware they've been holding- some folks get happy, or sad, or want to be held, or want to go out and climb a mountain. For whatever reason, you release anger and sadness, and that's ok! Release that stuff, and you'll be free of it." and I second his comment. I usually suddenly feel there was a big emotional block weighing me down that I needed to get out. Sometime the intense physical disruption of great sex will release it. I really don't believe the feelings are directly related to the sex at all unless you are maybe going through something with your partner. I know sometimes I feel SO connected to my boyfriend during sex that when it's over I feel despair over the fact that we have not been that connected in the rest of our life. Just be aware of your feelings, not afraid of them. I really really doubt it's because of abuse because I suspect you would have had these problems earlier on in your sexual history. I would also be weary of the False Memory Syndrome because I think it's easy to make up memories. Good luck, I hope you keep enjoying your orgasms!

Dec 31 11 - 2:55pm
sylvia

this used to happen to me too, usually only with g spot orgasms! i think its something about the g spot. i would just get really emotional and scream and yeah, it was bizarre. all i can say is check out your medication. also it used to happen to me around the same time i got pms so i was just already super mood-swingy. if its really bothering you lay off the deep vaginal fucking and just have some nice clitoral orgasms for a while. tell your boyfriend to eat you out or masturbate together or whatever, just stop having vaginal orgasms and enjoy your clit.

Jan 04 12 - 7:58pm
Kat

When did you get the IUD? The IUD does release chemicals into your system, which could be a possible cause of the angry/sad sex related feelings. I have had many problems with birth control that had similar affects. Also, it is common for a woman to be more emotional after orgasm... just not this emotional. My feeling is the birth control might be exaggerating this feeling.

For now, maybe forgo the g-spot and find sexual satisfaction elsewhere.

Jan 14 12 - 11:18pm
kelly

Jesus saves. :)