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June 11, 2011
Please Advise: My Boyfriend Can't Get It Up
Nerve readers answer our most pressing sex and dating questions.
Wise readers,
Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this woman out. You can give him advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page.
Dear Nerve Readers,
I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for about two months. We have not had sex yet, and it's starting to drive me crazy.
During these two months I have fallen in love with him, as he has with me. It has been years since I've felt this way about someone. He's sweet, affectionate, and fucking hot. We spend hours in bed together and he goes down on me like a champ, but he can't keep it up long enough to even begin to have sex with me. It's strange — he's hard (sometimes for quite a while) until about two seconds before it's go time (he puts the condom on and everything) and then... nothing.
I'm getting sick of it. He often assures me that he wants to have sex with me, and I believe him. He's had female partners in the past; I don't think he's latently gay. The thing is, my boyfriend is HIV-positive, and I'm not. My theory is that his sexual dysfunction is all in his head — that he's afraid of giving me the virus so the mechanical bits aren't cooperating.
He's had one serious relationship before which lasted a very long time. He told me that with this girl things didn't get going (because of this problem) for the better part of a year, but that when they did the two of them would have sex multiple times a day. He says he doesn't know what the problem is, or why it's happening, or what changed when he and his ex finally started having sex. I'd love to give him a chance, but I'm running thin on patience.
— Getting Really Really Randy
Please give her your sage and thoughtful advice in the comments below!
Commentarium (68 Comments)
Well, its definitely a disconnect. He could be addicted to porn which makes love sex pale in comparison. Dump him. If he wants you he will get it straightened out.
This is the most batshit response to that query I could imagine. Proof that not everyone should have an advice column.
Yeah wow. Completely fucking ignorant, totally off base. Just stupid. There's not a guy in the world who's addicted to porn so much that it effects their erections.
"love sex". Ha. I have "love sex" while watching porn. So there.
I dunno Ryan. I got these blisters once...
I think you should try not using a condom..
Just throwing this out there: knowing that one has a sexually transmittable, incredibly dangerous disease MIGHT make it a little hard to get it up. Just a theory.
He straight-up told this girl that he had the same (not similar, the same) problem with a previous girlfriend and it took him the better part of a year to get over it.
Nowhere in the letter does it mention porn...?
He's been dating this new girl for...about two months? Hmm. Sounds like she's stuck waiting it out, if she really wants to sleep with this guy.
The HIV thing is a huge deal. I think GRRR should listen to her instincts - Give dude some reassurance and some time.
Also, get yourself a dildo and ask him to work it with you. That should/could help him feel closer to you and thus more comfortable.
It took my BF a while as well, simply because he was nervous and really liked me. Alcohol finally helped things along! Not that I recommend having sex for the first time while under the influence (consent issues!!), but in our case we'd been trying for a while so that wasn't an issue. After the first time, it wasn't a problem any more.
Just an editorial note -- you refer to the letter-writer as a man in the introductory paragraph, but I'm pretty sure it's a woman. It made the letter a bit confusing.
I'm going to give you what I would consider the "Dan Savage response" and also a good response: If you're both climaxing, there's no problem. This notion that "REAL sex is vaginal penetration" is pretty bullshit, and frankly, it sounds like you have a better love life than a lot of couples. Try getting adventurous with other things (Buck Nasty suggested toys, anal play is another idea). But yeah, it sounds like it's going to take time and patience for him to get comfortable enough that he can get past whatever mental block keeps him from keeping stiff.
Also (and I guess this is more of the "Cary Tennis response") -- if he's had the exact same problem with two girls in a row, there is almost definitely something larger at play. He should consider going to a therapist and working through it in a more satisfactory way than "Well gosh, I finally got hard, so let's just pretend there wasn't a serious problem for the past few months."
Agree. Of all the advice, listen to this one.
I second that.
Agree as well. I'd also add that he may be conflicted because (a) he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you by risking passing his HIV infection to you but (b) he wants to please you by giving you the vaginal intercourse you want and need. Very tough spot for him.
Two words -- Strap-On !
1. Take deep breaths, both of you.
2. Take off the pressure. As previous commentators have noted, there are many ways to enjoy sex, penetration isn't essential. Take responsibility for your pleasure. Even if the guy could get a hard on, for half an hour, let's face, girls are complicated, and that's not always enough. Vibrators are really really fun (whether you have ED or not). Focusing on the process of enjoying each other's bodies, your own body, and giving each other pleasure rather than zeroing in on the end goal is crucial.
3. Ask him if he can imagine penetration--what would it look like, feel like to him? what worries comes up when he imagines it?
Sounds to me like the guy is anxious about possibly giving you his STD, hence why no erection when you are about to have penetration.
It could be the condom. I used to lose my erection when the condom came out. It takes you out of the moment. You obviously need to use condoms, so the solution is probably Cialis or Viagra for a while. Cialis is better because it lasts longer. I used it for a while until I got used to condoms.
Wow. Three different meanings for the word "used" in the same post.
I don't know much about helper drugs, but I do know that I use Crown brand condoms (ordered off the internet), and they are both thin and safe. Every other condom I've tried pales in comparison in terms of comfort and sensitivity. (I'm a chick, btw, but my bf feels the same way.)
totally agree! I can't stand condoms, and I don't care how many people tell me that i'm just making up excuses...condoms fucking hurt and sex simply does not feel good when using them (it's party a reason why I prefer having a girlfriend as to random hookups...you can have condomless sex if being monogamous and use birth-control), but I've definitely had this issue before too. The moment a condom has to get on, it totally takes me out of the moment and I'm so un-excited about it that I've definitely lost my erection from it.
Try the female condom. I'm the FC evangelist! ;) Female condoms are WAY better (the "new" soft FC2 ones, since 2009) than male condoms. Certainly better for the guy, for the women it varies...sometimes the same, sometimes better (due to body heat, and stimulation from the ring), sometimes worse (depends on the woman, and her guy).
If they ever start making "TheyFit" condoms again, you can order to a specific diameter & length. Much better when you have the right size condom, rather than painfully tight (which is how I thought all condoms were supposed to be).
Therapy is probably a great idea. If it's a problem for you that he can't get hard then he should start looking at ways to try and address the problem otherwise it could ruin what sounds like a promising relationship, and will likely be an issue for future girlfriends as well. The issue is almost certainly a symptom of a larger/different psychological problem. So therapy should be looking for the cause which as Rayjer suggested probably has something to do with the STD. If he got it from penetration, he might have a huge issue penetrating someone else even with a condom if he associates that with infection and transmission of the disease. Or it could be something else related to self esteem or self worth. Presumably he's tried Viagra? Talking to a doctor and a therapist could potentially solve the issue really quickly, or at least rule out some possibilities as to the likely cause.
I agree with "completely", but I also suggest you try female condoms. They have fewer chances of breaking, from what I read, and there's no risk of it slipping inside you. So it might feel safer for him? On the other hand, you'll have to teach yourself how to put it, because it takes a few times to figure out how ti put them in place easily.
Don't worry about it. You shouldn't be having sex until you're married anyway. Look what happened to him when he had sex before marriage.
I'm wondering why MTJ is not fearful of going blind, because given the delusional bible-thumping, clearly she/he here just to masterbate -- I mean, can't you come up with a less ignorant comment ;)?
what arenguy said.
hey there mtj, I am the person who submitted this question to Nerve (unless there is someone out there with a situation creepily similar to mine, who also wrote in... never know..)
I am happy that abstinence before marriage works for you, but that doesn’t mean it’s good for the rest of us. Sexuality is a beautiful part of being human. It is not “wrong” that this human experience often happens outside of a social/religious construct. I find the first part of your comment to be absurd.
The second part, I find to be judgmental and narrow-minded. My partner actually contracted the virus through an accident with contaminated blood when he was a child. It had nothing at all to do with sex. Let’s not make assumptions about things we don’t know.
I would also like to add that people don’t get HIV from pre-marital sex, people get HIV from having unprotected sex with an HIV positive person. Premarital sex does not equal risky sexual behavior. Get tested (it’s free at Planned Parenthood, yay!) and wear condoms (using them correctly)
I hope you have a good day.
You go girl. Having contracted herpes and having to deal with exposing my boyfriend to it (I told him about it before we started getting frisky; he was amazing and willing to look past), I understand on some level how distracting it can be to fear that you could hurt your partner. Dealing with this knowledge can definitely cripple your sexual impulses. You sound like an incredibly understanding woman, and I think if you can be patient and give him time (and convince him to engage in therapy), your love will only grow stronger.
I will also mention that I contracted herpes from my first time having sex, despite using protection and having the guy I was with tested. They don't test for it unless you have overt symptoms, so he didn't know. As other commenters said, you don't have to be having penetration to get off. Be safe and good luck!
Likely there is a lot going on in his subconscious that he and you will never completely understand. Condoms are always a distraction for the guy so why don't you take control and put it on for him while you whisper your desires in his ear. Make it as hot as you want. Just a suggestion!
Here's a quick fix: Viagra. I have erection issues stemming from stuff I should work out with a shrink but the little blue pill makes good sex happen, which I'm pretty happy about. Sure it's a crutch, but the nice thing about crutches is that it makes you go.
Provided that's what he really wants. There may be more at work. But the pill does help and it provides a HUGE psychological relief.
I had this problem with my first girlfriend. Hard as a rock while making out, then panic when it came time to Do It. Back in the long ago day one Quaalude did the trick -- took away the fear and inhibition, and once I had done it once, and knew I could do it. I didn't have the problem anymore. Alas Quaaludes have gone from this world (if anybody knows differently let me know!) but I'm with Flank: offer him the blue pill. And if not, then let love be your guide -- if you really love the guy, and he's making you come, are you better off with him or without him?
In place of Quaaludes, weed?
I was going to suggest weed as well.
All the posters in Nerve Confessions who write that no one will ever fuck them again because they got herpes should read this. ATTN POSTERS: Having an STD does not exclude you from having sex.
Sorry for replying to my own comment but... is that Sarah Polley in the photo up there??
Nah, I don't think so.
Also, good response re: herpes et al.
Attn Miss info: take note of guys recommending other guys use medication to better please a woman sexually, even one who is already getting off regularly to great oral. After all the past hysteria on this site about medicating the female sex drive as stemming from a unhealthy and shameful place of male sexual aggression, take note of the fact that men have no problem medicating themselves to please a woman or get over a sexual issue. Or recommending that other guys do that. Something to learn about guys here- not everything they do revolves around a make believe gender war with women (shock to some I know). Usually they are just trying to fix a problem the best way they know how, in the same way they would deal with the issue if it was happening to them, or another guy.
Hear hear! Many women are over-sensitive..."What?!? How dare you even SUGGEST that medication might be an appropriate solution, you sexist douchebag!!!"
Cute fellas, but just because random internet commenters are suggesting it doesn't mean it's a good idea, or one that a lot of informed women would endorse. The kid needs counseling. Just like a lot of women with sexual issues. Durr.
I agree that when low sex drive is caused by hormonal birth control or antidepressants, it makes absolute sense to evaluate the medical options available to bring the woman's sex drive back. The problem is trying to medicate women who simply aren't attracted to their partners for whatever reasons.
Whenever a guy mentions "hysteria" re: something women feel strongly about -- my ears (well eyes in this case) kind of shut out.
I did make it to the end of the second sentences and I must say that I'm a little skeptical of your suggestion that guys take the little blue pill to please women. ha ha. Riiight, it's to please the women, it's not because of the stupid ideas that Real Sex must involve penile penetration and that if they can't get it up and in their masculinity is damaged forever.
Thanks for the chuckle. (I'm with "completely" above)
@a woman, did you even read the letter for this column? It's a woman, receiving oral sex, who very much wants penetrative sex. Or will you claim that the female writer doesn't really want penetrative sex for pleasure, she's just been brain-washed into thinking she has to demand it?
Not every sexual issue is about the male ego, as you seem to be implying. Sometimes women have actual sexual desires as well.
Yes, I did read it, but was actually responding to AJ who felt the need to bring the up the whole "take the woman to the doctor" insanity back. (After reading about Viagra being handed out to (male) troops in Libya to facilitate mass rapes, I find his assertion that Viagra was invented to please women even more laughable).
But yeah, now that you mention it -- there is a degree of brainwashing behind thinking of PIV sex as the SEX.
I wrote this comment in a Miss Information a few weeks ago in response to a similar problem. Try putting the condom on early! That is, make condom-donning part of the foreplay instead of a distraction right before the main event. That also might give you the opportunity to take the initiative and get him from the top, which may make all the difference in the world psychologically. Hopefully this would just be temporary until he gets used to the fact that it's OK to be inside you.
This situation needs one thing: a doctor. I'm not generally the run-to-the-physician type, but this problem is begging for medical help. Reassure your boyfriend that you love him and are happy with him the way he is, but explain that you want him sexually too. Ask him to go see a doctor to help figure the situation out. A doctor will be able to diagnose any erectile dysfunction that might exist as well as give him accurate information about HIV transmission to assess the reasonableness of his concerns. If the problem is in his head as you suggest, accurate information could rid his mind of questions and allow him to relax with you. A good doctor would be able to refer to a supportive psychologist or therapist for any further counseling needed.
All of you who are suggesting therapy need to stop and think for a second. This woman has been seeing this man for TWO MONTHS. At such an early stage of in the relationship, it's neither fair nor realistic to expect one partner to push the other into therapy. It took three years and a catastrophic, near-relationship-ending event for my boyfriend to see a therapist! If this guy didn't seek therapy after experiencing erectile dysfunction for close to a year, he's likely resistant to the idea. And finding a therapist who understands the challenges of being HIV-positive won't be easy.
I would suggest that she instead seek out a support group for friends and family of HIV+ people. She'll have the opportunity to speak to those who have shared her experiences, and they will be able to suggest a number of resources for her boyfriend. Also, what she should NOT do is issue a "get it up or I'm out" ultimatum. That will have the opposite of the intended effect.
This is a classic example of an overthinker -- and for good reason. And I agree with the sentiment of several people above: If you put pressure on him, it will make this a constant instead of gradually getting comfortable with each other physically. He's obviously got some ground to cover on that end. The easiest solution is for you two to have more fun playing around with him and the condom. If you fool around without the condom and then throw it on at the last second before trying penetration, he's going to get operantly conditioned to lose his hard-on. It will be a mental trigger to lose his erection, if he hasn't already developed that already. But if you guys play around with it for a while, there will be less intimidation. And I think you've got to be the one that does it.
This is great advice too.
There is likely a psychological (guilt and/or risk based) component, and it may not solely be about him/you. Sex, biologically speaking, can lead to pregnancy – a fear of many guys, let alone one who’s HIV+. It could be he’s hung up (consciously or subconsciously) not only on the risk for you, but the risks for a possible child - growing up HIV+, growing up healthy but possible w/o a father, etc.
Hey guys, I’m the person who originally submitted this question (unless there is another person who wrote in with the exact same scenario...it’s possible I guess).
Thanks so much for all of your (mostly) good advice. I submitted this to Nerve a while ago and since then we’ve solved our pesky little problem. :D
While there were some sub-conscious/psychological issues at play at first, the real culprit turned out to be a little more tangible. The condoms were way too tight, boner-killingly tight. We got some different ones, problem solved! When all this was happening it didn’t ever cross my mind that that could be the problem... kinda funny, actually.
I so much wish "TheyFit" condoms were still being made. You could order to a specific diameter & length. Much better when you have the right size condom, rather than painfully tight (which is how I thought all condoms were supposed to be). Supposedly they'll make them again someday.
Of course, female condoms are WAY better (the "new" soft FC2 ones, since 2009). Certainly better for the guy, for the women it varies...sometimes the same, sometimes better (due to body heat, and stimulation from the ring), sometimes worse (depends on the woman, and her guy).
Good to hear that female condoms have progressed. I last tried em in 03 or so and was noy unlike fucking a ziplock bag.
I heard the old female condoms could sound crinkly, and even FEEL crinkly (feel creases). That's not so with the newer ones. Although, as a joke, you still could compare them to fucking a sandwich bag. It's a somewhat correct analogy. But it's still WAY better than a male condom...you get friction! In comparison, a male condom provides almost no sensation at all.
There is no future to be had with a guy with HIV.
She's a young woman. She ought to move on.
Christ, is this 1985?
lololol
Does "ChanRobt" actually stand for "4Chan Robot"? Go away, troll.
This may not be 1985, but neither is it the magical time when HIV is curable or treatment meds are cheap. Safer means safer. People need to properly evaluate the contingencies and determine whether and how they could deal with chronic illness. Just saying there might be a nugget of something to consider in what otherwise seems to be a bigoted post.
is what you need. You have known that man for two months and you are already hitting the sack with him? Obviously you treat your body like an amusement park. You are loose, a whore. Better read Dr. Laura's books and learn something. Now, go do the right thing.
Irony, troll, or repressed? Asshat. I've never dated someone for two months WITHOUT being sexually involved--if the chemistry sucks and the sex is awful, why put more time into a relationship with what'll eventually become a dealbreaker?
My vote would be for troll. Nerve seems to have attracted quite a batch of those boring little fuckers recently. Actually it's probably just one or two, with multiple names. It's getting quite tiresome.
I was in a similar situation. My boyfriend was an amazing guy but he suffered from erectile dysfunction. Being in my early thirties - I want to have a child in the next few years - so that fact that he was having these issues also threw up some red flags for our future. Being able to connect to someone on a sexual level is an important part of a relationship and eventually, it just became too much for me to deal with and after 3 months, I had to move on.
Uh.......Are you outta your fuckin mind?! The dude has the ninja (HIV). Why would you ever want to fuck him?! You're trippin and got what's comin to you if you go down this path. Caution.
ix-nay on the ondom-cay.
uh...A) the guy's gay B) He has HIV.... WHY the FUCK are you involved with him sexually? Do you literally have shit for brains?
You need to talk it up. He is retreating into his doubts for one reason or another at the moment of action, but you can help coax him back into reality. Make him comfortable with a little naughty banter. Yank his ego a bit--even his penis if you have to.
It may be that your pussy is loose. Consider an operation. Size does matter, after all.
And this is why you will end up alone, with your dick in your hand.
Sheeesh! Almost all of the posts take the view that this is his problem that needs fixing--with medication, therapy, different foreplay. Read her letter! She is “in love with him” and he is “totally hot” and “we spend hours in bed” and “he goes down on me like a champ.” But because he hasn’t yet nailed her vaginally, she is “getting sick of it” and is “running thin on patience”!!? She signs it “Getting Really Really Randy.” Is she coming when he goes down on her? Or is she unable to come except with the ol’ in-and-out? There are dozens of way of reaching sexual satisfaction, but apparently none of these count for her—she even says she “hasn’t had sex yet”!!
It seems to me that the problem is mostly hers, and her lack of imagination is shared by most of the posters. With this lack of imagination and flexibility I’m really glad they finally found a mechanical problem to fix (condom too tight), because otherwise they might never have been able to solve the “problem.”
Next time (and there WILL be a next time), may I suggest using something a little more dexterous than the blunt instrument of a dick? Fingers (his or hers), or toys, or the odd candle, or whispered stories, or a run around the bed, or an unusual location, or some cos-play, or role play, or water, or food it fun places, or. . . use your imaginations! They are the only real sexual organs you have!