Please Advise: My Girlfriend's Sex Drive Disappeared

You get a chance to answer our readers' sex & dating questions.

Wise readers, 

Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this man out. You can give him advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page

 

Dear Nerve, 

I'm a thirty-year-old man, engaged to a beautiful twenty-five-year-old woman. We've been together for four years, and about a month ago I popped the big question and she accepted. The problem is that her sex drive dropped about a year after we got together. At first she said it was because of her post-graduate studies, but after she graduated, things kept going downhill. 

I've tried to talk to her about it this whole time but she simply replies she doesn't know what happened. Our sex life used to be great. I've even told her if what I'm doing doesn't feel good, she should tell me so I can change it, but again she says she doesn't know. It's come to the point where I don't even bother trying to initiate sex, because she doesn't want me to touch her, but if I don't touch her she says she thinks I don't find her attractive anymore. She says I have to get her aroused, but every single thing I can think of, she finds unpleasant. 

I really don't know where to go from here. I know that there can be periods when a person's libido wanes, but three years might be a bit too long. We used to have sex two or three times a week; now I'm lucky if its once a month, just missionary position and that's about it. 

What really worries me is that this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I have to admit, I like having sex, and think it's a big part of the relationship. It's not everything, but it matters. I've tried and tried and feel I'm not getting anywhere. The lack of sex tends to accentuate other things that bother me in our relationship, and I've started to look what I've sacrificed to be together.

I am trying to make things work, because I love her and there are a lot more good things than bad things, but I'm starting to worry that maybe the bad will soon start to outweigh the good. 

Desperate Soon-To-Be Married Man 

Please give him your sage and thoughtful advice in the comments below! 

Tags Libido

Commentarium (145 Comments)

Jun 03 11 - 4:29pm
Silca

Has she gone to a doctor, either a GP or a GYN? Has she been looked over for depression? What, if anything, has she done to try and get a handle on the problem?

If she's done her part in getting herself to a doctor and checked out, if no one can find anything wrong, then it's time to start to consider if this is just an untenable relationship.

If she's just utterly uninterested in sex, you could consider opening the relationship -- but honestly, you're not married yet. Your sex life is important to you, and if you're not clicking at all there, staying in the relationship just may not be worth it, unless you want a sexless marriage to become your future.

Jun 04 11 - 8:02pm
AB

I had untreated Hashimoto's Thyroiditis for a few years during my early twenties. This causes hypothyroidism, which causes, among other things, depression, low libido and weight gain. I went from being a horny, relatively happy (if melodramatic, haha!), fit teenager to being a depressed, overweight, totally sexless young adult. It was quite a shift for my internal life, and I wish I could have some of those years back... However, there is good news! I got treatment and returned to being a happy, still overweight, sexed up mid-twenties adult.

So, if your girlfriend hasn't already been tested for this, have her doctor do a lab test (simple blood panel) to measure her thyroid hormones, specifically her T4, TSH and Anti-TPO antibody levels.

Hope that helps!

Jun 17 11 - 4:29am
Sir Alfred

Have you stopped to consider that it might not be her drive mucking up but the gear shift she is stuck with.

Jun 17 11 - 11:21am
Andy

That is possibly the least helpful metaphor i have heard in my entire life

Jun 03 11 - 4:29pm
girlJ

Is she on birth control? The Pill ruined my libido. I was behaving somewhat like your fiancée until I switched to a pill with a higher androgen profile. This resulted in a significant uptick in sexual desire. You can find information on the androgen levels of various pills online, and if the one she is on is in the lower half of the spectrum, talk to her about switching to one on the higher end of it.

Jun 04 11 - 12:02am
EN

Agreed!!! The pill completely destroyed mine. I'm much better now that I'm off. And I'll admit that there's still some weeks where sex doesn't even cross my mind, yet others that I can barely concentrate on anything BUT sex. Still working on finding a fix...

Jun 04 11 - 3:43am
notfromaroundhere

Absolutely. Sounds like the Pill. The EXACT same thing happened to a former girlfriend of mine when she went on the pill. She didn't just lose interest in sex, she didn't even want me to touch her. After a couple of months off the Pill, she was back to normal.

Jun 04 11 - 6:52am
Luna

Same thing happened to me when I was on the pill. When we first got together, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Then I took the pill and it killed whatever sex drive I had. Things became uncomfortable in my nether regions. It would sometimes be painful because of the lack of lubrication. Whenever we had sex, I just couldn't wait for it to be over.

Jun 03 11 - 4:56pm
KJG

Dump her. If you're sincerely trying to do what she wants without putting pressure on her, and she's not helping out but is just content with the situation, it shows she doesn't care about your needs. Or she just has a naturally low sex drive. Either way, you don't want her. Thirty is a really attractive age for a guy. Find someone better.

Jun 04 11 - 3:28am
scottimus

I totally agree, KJG... I just got out of one of these types of relationships. I love the girl, you don't turn that off. She's the most amazingly beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on and her soul is sweet and ......real. It killed me and I wrestled with it for about 8 months. Things were beyond amazing. We talked and it was mutually agreed upon. She told me that, overall, she's not a very sexual person and it made her uncomfortable. From the beginning I'd told her I was a very sexual person...VERY much so....I'd been in a marriage where the bedroom became the battlefield. She held out for about 3 years, I didn't stray because that was the dealbreaker and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction. At one point, accept you are who you are, she is who she is and, well, if you can't live with it, state it, talk it through, figure it out but I strongly urge you don't bind yourself away from your true spot, your true self. Yes, you should give her every benefit, I mean you love her enough to propose. But consider it seriously. I spent way too much of my life torn from my true self out of a sense of love and commitment that wasn't returned. Fair means both sides benefit. Best of luck.

Jun 17 11 - 11:23am
Jose

If you ever want to have sex again, dump this bitch

Sep 22 11 - 8:30am
Jake

That sounds so harsh, but the truth is... is she into this guy. If she isn't, she will never accept his touch, his warmth - him. Harsh but oh, really could be I'm sorry to say....

Oct 22 11 - 12:06am
Dano

True, dump her, run as fast as your legs will take you away from her.

Jul 07 12 - 12:23pm
vettie

Speaking from experience. Dumping her is the last thing to do. Try switching to a different pill. Try asking her if SHE is happy with the sex life. These comments are so inconsiderate. This girl is probably in a bad place herself. Just because she isnt putting out, doesnt mean she is the villiam. She is a victim in her own body. You need to be more supportive. Together, work this out. Sometimes oral sex is a good therapy. Mutual Oral... not "guilt oral"... where she gives you Head because she feels bad. I am glad you are looking for help. Its good that you have considered your relationship and look at it as more than just sex. Although, sex is important in a relationship. Not everything, but it is healthy. when you first start dating, couples tend to have sex like rabbits. Thats because hormones are flowing around you. This is a new love, a new life, a new interesting and your mind and body want more of it. After time is established, sex happens less and les.. but you should still be active a 1-3 times a week is normal. 2-3 times a day is long gone. LIFE happens and you have to make it work. Visit the doctor with her. If she sees you being supportive, she will most likely want to work harder at this than ever before to make it all better. Why? Because you are a great guy who cares. I hope you are still together. I hope you two have made it work.

Sep 17 12 - 11:05am
J

The man is more of a victim in the situation, the woman usually doesn't even think about it , and or is content with not having it. So break off with the girl or just keep wasting your own time with every new excuse that comes along, when the truth is she's not for you.

Jun 03 11 - 4:59pm
Miami

I say figure it out or move on. You're talking about the rest of your life here and if you want sex and she doesn't that could be a big strain on your marriage. My initial thought is that you are probably trying to turn her on physically. That works for guys mostly but women are usually into other things. You can turn her on by taking charge, taking care of her, making her feel like a woman. Get the door for her, pay the check, let her know you just closed a big deal at the office. Women get turned on by those kinds of things. You can't think like a guy to turn her on.

Jun 03 11 - 10:54pm
crs

Tru dat. Contrary to some popular belief, there's no physical automatic "ON" button down there. You've got to activate it first. :)

Jun 04 11 - 12:00am
J

Second. Make her feel feminine. If that doesn't work, maybe she has a naturally low sex drive.

Jun 04 11 - 9:44am
completely

...Your idea of foreplay is getting the door and telling her about work? You have dated some really weird girls.

Jun 04 11 - 10:35am
R

Hm, nope, doesn't sound like foreplay to me. One of the problems I had in the past with a less experienced man is that he would go in for the kill immediately. It just takes longer for most women to be aroused, and you can't just go, kiss kiss, clit clit. It's actually not pleasant to have the clit stimulated before it's aroused. For me, kissing, fondling, teasing touches work wonders.

Jun 24 11 - 7:21am
J Frazer

"let her know you just closed a big deal at the office."

That's kind of a messed up criteria for getting turned on.

Aug 16 12 - 2:06pm
Meg

Im sorry but I used to have a very HIGH sex drive, but switching birth control or and other major life changes it just stopped, dead in the tracks. Idk what is going on and neither does my boyfriend. It could honestly be hormones. Birth control can be the bitch, not her. She needs to go to a doctor like I need to, and get it figured out. Nothing screams sexy about work unless its role play. You guys have no idea what foreplay is anymore, no wonder why girls are getting lower and lower sex drive. We cant just pop a boner and ready to play, you have to take the time and get us ready. thank god i dont know any of you. play with me, touch my body, dont just start kissing me and think fingering me is going to get me going, I have other body parts thank you very much. I would like them played with too.

Jun 03 11 - 5:02pm
stfu its me

Sounds like she's not interested in addressing the problem. Furthermore, no one is that dumb to assume, gee I'm not having sex and my bf/fiance/husband is just dandy with that kuz he loves me, weeeee! Bullshit. If it's not a problem for her, being that you are "suffering" should be a problem for her and she should then look to see what's going on.

If she's lacking in empathy in this issue, where it doesn't qutie bother her so screw it...this might leak into other areas/might be her attitude towards things in general.

Marriage is hard enough. Want a sexless marriage? But serioulsy, it's not just about sexless marriage, she might throw that at you for guilt. It's about working together on an issue that affects at least 1 person in this relationship. Looks like that area is not well defined.

Jun 03 11 - 5:03pm
stfu its me

and spelling error noted: *quite. Thank you. Come again.

Jun 04 11 - 9:44pm
Claire

Well put. It's not mentioned in the letter, but it's significant that she hasn't even gone to the doctor to get her hormone and thyroid levels checked out. Has she not taken steps to alleviate your pain at all?
Any marriage will feature many difficult conversations about uncomfortable subjects, and both parties need to be able to open up and work through an issue as equals. If she's not empathetic to your sexless pain or too shy to talk about sex, how is she going to handle talking about how to raise children, or whether to let your parents move in, or whether to move to Phoenix for a job?

Jun 03 11 - 5:06pm
LA

I think the advice to just flat out dump her is a bit harsh, but DO NOT GET MARRIED until this issue has been resolved. And if it can't get resolved, then you shouldn't get married. It doesn't sound like you two are on the same page as far as the importance of sex in your relationship, and she doesn't sound very forthcoming about her needs/desires. By your proposing marriage while the situation was like this, she may have gotten the impression that the status quo is just fine by you, when it's not. Have you thought about premarital counseling? I think it's a good idea for any couple getting married, and it would be a constructive environment in which to bring this issue up, since your efforts to address it on your own seem to not be getting you anywhere. Good luck!

Jun 03 11 - 5:07pm
stfu its me

True why propose with this issue at hand. But whatever, seomtimes it happens that way.

Jun 03 11 - 5:19pm
tm

Did you show her this letter? You should. This certainly needs to be addressed before going forward in your relationship. If she is really not sure what to do and what is causing this seek counseling, there are therapists who specialize in this field. Use them, it is money well spent. Also don't rule out hormonal imbalances and diet deficiency, she might learn a lot from a blood test and a visit to a naturopathic doctor. If you love her this is worth the effort if things still don't change then maybe you both should move on.

Jun 03 11 - 5:21pm
Yanni

Maybe she's gay.

Jun 03 11 - 5:30pm
Nemi

That's what happened to my husband immediately after we got married. He was 23, I was 22 and we had just finished University and moved back home. We used to have great sex , and were very adventurous and into each other, but after our nuptials his sex drive took a nose dive. It was incredibly frustrating for me, because I was a newlywed, and we had been together for six years already without any sexual problems. He just didn't seem interested, and would get frustrated with my concern and insisted that our emotional intimacy (dwindling) should be enough to keep me happy. Three years later, we're separated and co-parenting our toddler son through the divorce. It turned out that his lack of sex drive and interest in addressing it, were only two symptoms of a major depression. After years of his emotional affairs trying to get intimacy from other sources he wasn't comfortable sharing physically with me and months of not living in the same house, we mutually agreed on divorce. After a string of casual affairs I started dating a man who had very little ego or apprehension about sex, despite being a virgin, and was openly communicative about our sex. He was a stark contrast to my husband, and it really showed me how unhappy I was in my sexless marriage. For me, the lack of sex was definitely a symptom of something more serious, which may or may not be the situation you are facing. I wish that I had pressed the issue harder with my husband when it first became an issue. Maybe that would have made a difference in salvaging our relationship. So if anything, I would suggest that you talk with your wife and seriously consider counseling; sometimes a third party can really help. Good Luck :)

Jul 07 12 - 1:43pm
Misogyny

So you cheated to find something for you instead of helping your husband deal with depression. What kind of woman are you? It's stupid mindsets like these that give me no hope for women at all.

Jun 03 11 - 5:42pm
oma

If it turns out this isn't related to a medical issue (or any drugs she might be taking, which often screw with libido), I think you should take a good look at why she is in this relationship. Sometimes when a girl in her early 20s (and these days, 21 is young) starts dating a great guy, she stays in the relationship even after she isn't quite in love anymore because, the thinking goes, why leave a decent boyfriend just to be alone?

People often think their relationships are suffering because sex became boring or less frequent, but from my experience and the anecdotal evidence of my friends (male and female), sex in a relationship get boring and less frequent because the relationship isn't what it should be. And although I hope this isn't the case for you, I've watched a lot of my guy friends get frustrated because their girlfriends don't want to talk about what wrong, and eventually it becomes evident that what's really wrong is that they haven't wanted to be in that relationship for awhile.

So, Desperate, although you seem to love your fiance and believe she has the qualities you want in a lifelong partner, don't you think you (and everyone) deserves to be desired? Once-a-month missionary isn't what you should settle for as a 30 year old man, unless you are actually mutually satisfied with such an arrangement (which obviously you aren't or you wouldn't have written). And for your fiance to cast the blame on you because you haven't gotten her aroused? That's just cruel. You have to believe that there is someone out there who has the qualities you want in a wife, likes to have sex with you, and takes more responsibility for her actions than your current partner.

Jun 03 11 - 5:44pm
bob

You asked her to marry you when the sex was bad.

While noble and reeking of "love," the problem is you said you'd sign-up for a continuation of life "as is" forever.

You are in a proverbial Catch-22 at this point - I hate to be harsh about it -- but, screwing yourself over is not a substitute for the real thing.

The only middle-ground you can take, without finding yourself 20 years down the road and miserable is:

"I want to marry you, I want to set a date, but I also want to figure out how to bring back our sex lives so that we'll be in the 50% of marriages that last."

Unless you want a life with nothing more than fantasy and regret, try to get things on track BEFORE you walk down the aisle. Then, work hard to keep them on track.

Jun 03 11 - 6:01pm
em

If what you experience is not you getting cold feet or signaling yourself that you want to get out of the relationship (aka maybe you initiated sex before and now you don't so much, or your efforts dropped), then it means you would be willing to fight for this relationship, you are still investing in it.

So, change your strategy. Establish a short period of time during which you do not initiate anything, but you concentrate towards an activity- like a hobby, a sport, that has to do with improving your image, your power quota, or just related to something she admires. Visit museums, learn a sport, compose music, play football every week, whatever from whatever area, just keep your thoughts focused on that. Give it a rest on the sex side.

Meanwhile, renew some of your usual stuff: change your perfume, aftershave, new clothes who do not copy your previous ones. Ask a friend to help you a bit outside your safe usual zone. The final preparation would be to gather some info about what she likes and maybe hasn't told you, like semi-secret preferences. Then plan a moment as if this were the first one together, imagine you believe it too, and that you will be meeting a new girl. Get her out somewhere new, according to what you deduced she likes and give it a try.

Usually women are attracted by the power in a man, in the many shapes it manifests itself: an elegant suit, a cool group of friends, self-confidence, humor, self mockery, sometimes even being a bad guy means power. Power means security and being the provider, and the alpha male... your woman is just bored for the moment, be man enough to entertain her, and get over this moment together.

If you feel such plans are too much of a bother, then you need to find yourself a more self -sufficient woman, more suited to your relaxed view of working for the relationship.

And for the sex moves, observe what she likes, the mind does the trick faster that the touching for most women: what movies, love situations arouse her, what smells, textures, what moments of the day and so on. Use your detective skills, man. If you really want to get married to her, it is worth it! And try in a non pressurizing way when you restart trying, like not commenting the refusals, waiting and making it all seem casual and cool, like you wouldn't care if you get a yes or a no. But the trying must be there, after the intended pause.

Jun 04 11 - 9:47pm
Beatrice

I don't think this dude would have emailed if he hadn't already tried every aftershave and massage in the seduction arsenal. And all the moves in the world won't work if she genuinely isn't interested in sex anymore.

Jun 03 11 - 6:42pm
The Nerd

Have you taken a good look at YOURSELF? Has your body changed any since you met? Has your personality? Has your life demands? It could be that you're simply not doing it for her anymore, but she either doesn't want to let you know, or she isn't consciously aware of that fact.

Jun 03 11 - 7:50pm
mark

Sounds like she said "yes" because she was too scared or too needy for her to say "no." Dude, she doesn't really want you. She was done with you by graduation, if not some time before then. But she won't take on the responsibility of saying that she doesn't really want you. So instead she constantly says "no" by never saying "yes" to an intimate life, to your advances, to your attempts at making things work, leaving it to you finally become frustrated enough to end the relationship for her; in this way she is absolved of all responsibility for action for the whole thing, and it also leaves her the freedom to cast you, your relationship, and the way in which it ended, in whatever emotional light suits her selfish needs of the moment. And what's she's doing - keeping you hanging like this with no explanation and no willingness to address it - really is selfish. Don't kid yourself. There is no miracle that is going to turn this around.
I'll repeat what others have said - DON'T MARRY THIS PERSON. IT IS GUARANTEED MISERY. THREE YEARS IS NOTHING COMPARED TO AGREEING TO SPEND YOUR LIFE LIKE THIS.

Jun 06 11 - 9:26pm
el

mark is right -- I was this girl, I did this exact thing, I was selfish and drove him to dump me because I was scared to do it myself. Years later, we are still friends and I am happier with another man. It's all for the best, really.

Jun 03 11 - 8:07pm
Mrs Muggs

Please check out the book "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" by Athol Kay. His ideas might not be the answer, but it is definitely worth a try! I have experienced low desire myself and I honestly had no idea what to tell my husband to do to improve things. I wish this book had been published 10 years ago - it might have prevented lots of stress.
http://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731/ref=sr_...

Jun 06 11 - 8:49pm
Athol Kay: Married M

Appreciate the support Mrs Muggs!

I also agree with all the comments saying not to get married to her unless you get this sorted out beforehand.

Jun 03 11 - 9:13pm
AJ

The most worrying thing about this is that she is pushing the entire problem onto you to solve, but it's not YOUR problem. This is mostly her issue (although you have a supporting role to play as and when she needs you to help out). This attitude screams someone who is unable or unwilling to take responsibility for themselves, and plays passive-aggressive mind games to get what they want (or avoid what they don't). Do not marry her, and for gods sake do not get her pregnant, until this is sorted out.

Jun 03 11 - 10:09pm
hh

Agree with everyone else re: not getting married until this is sorted out. You deserve to feel desired too. I've been in ruts where I didn't want to have sex, and it's the lack of habit more than anything else (well, the pill could have played a role too, but that's a different story). It's a negative feedback loop; to break it you just have to be honest about what is really going to work. For me, this meant using a vibrator and maybe sneaking some porn while my partner was in the shower, just to get ready for him. Maybe see how she feels about porn? It's nothing against you; sometimes it just rocks to see a new hot body, and once she's turned on the sex will be really enjoyable because she'll be into it.

That being said, all of this requires communication and willingness on her part to work it out. You need to emphasize how important sex and sexuality is to you. If she isn't willing to try for you, maybe you should spare yourself a lot of heartache down the line and end it. Good luck.

Jun 03 11 - 10:12pm
BitchesAintShit

Why is she having sex with him if she isn't already married to him? Did her parents not instill good values in her?

Jun 05 11 - 11:51pm
George

She was found on the steps of a church and has no parents... And apart from this, my dear, having sex as often as possible IS good. Try it before commenting. Thank you.

Jun 03 11 - 10:37pm
Layla

Sounds like birth control? Is she on the pill? It totally destroyed my libido, and when you don't want sex you kind of forget how important it is. My sex drive returned after about 2-3 weeks after I stopped taking the pill. I now use the copper iud.

Jun 06 11 - 9:28pm
el

IUDs are the BEST

Jun 03 11 - 10:47pm
crs

I like the tone of your letter. You sound like a sincerely caring guy.

Unfortunately you can't assume that your "great" first year was the norm, and that this three-year dry spell is the anomaly. I hate to see myself writing this, but those of us who aren't highly sexual tend to become comfortably indifferent to sex when our emotional needs have been secured. During your first year, when you say it was happening it 2 or 3 times a week, the excitement and insecurity of a fresh new relationship was probably a contributing factor. Sometimes just the hearing the phrase "one of my ex-girlfriends" or "this new chick at work" can shake of the malaise of a comfortable relationship and get sparks going. Yes, it's REALLY effed up and I despise the way it oversimplifies women, but continually attempting to please a girl by sliding your fingers up her skirt just gets annoying unless it's exciting emotionally. Also, there's the issue of feeling great physically. Have you let yourself go since that first year? Has she? My practical advice would be to get yourself together, make her feel beautiful, but stop trying to get physical unless she initiates. Once you hold back for a bit, she may have more interest in addressing the issue.

Jun 03 11 - 10:50pm
crs

BUT--don't be a douchebag, that's definitely not a turn on!

Jun 04 11 - 12:10am
Anna

This is a really insightful answer. I can see myself on the flip side of the relationship, as my fiance has mentioned a few times that my sex drive is not what it used to be. We have sex about two or three times a month but it used to be two or three times a week during our first year of dating. Like crs says, for some women who aren't very sexual people to begin with, once the emotional needs have been taken care of, sex becomes extraneous, not essential. After some self-reflection I realized that was my situation. The best thing you can do is talk to her about it. I would have never thought anything was wrong unless my fiance had spoken to me about what was lacking for him. I'm still struggling with being more sexual with him, but it's worth it.

Jun 04 11 - 12:18am
@crs

"stop trying to get physical unless she initiates"

That'll be a long wait. She's made it clear that she wants the reassurance and ego boost of his attraction to her, but not to actually be sexual with him. Basically, she wants to be wanted, but doesn't want to put out, to allow herself to be penetrated, vulnerable, intimate...at least not with him.

Is this because she's filled with hatred and resentment of him for some (justified or unjustified) reason? Because she's on the wrong birth control? Because one or both of them have "let themselves go"? Who knows, but by refusing to say anything more substantive than "I dunno", she's acting like a child.

Jun 09 11 - 1:55am
HL

It could be a truthful answer, especially if she is not normally a very self-reflective person on the subject of sex.

Jun 03 11 - 11:25pm
keith

There is an underlying problem, most likely depression. Put off the marriage until that is dealt with, but do try to deal with it. If you cannot fix it, you will have a tough choice. No matter what the reason for her lack of interest, eventually your self esteem will tank and in time you will grow angry. If you are married, or have children, you would have no good way out. This same thing happened with my fiancee. She grew deeply depressed for several years. Therapy helped and we've had 31 fucking good years, literally.

May 12 12 - 1:50am
tm

I'm older than the young lady in question but I've had issues with low libido on and off for several years. Depression, low self-esteem and stress; then sexual dysfunction was a side effect of anti-depressants. For a while, I would have sex with my husband because I didn't think it was fair that he should also have to suffer/pay for my problems or side-effects I had to deal with. But after a while I began to feel resentful. It almost felt like prostitution or - I hate to say it, but, sometimes, it felt like a violation.
I started avoiding intimacy. I even avoided simple cuddling because I knew where it would lead...he could never just stop there.
I was constantly pestering my psychiatrist and my family doctor about my low sex drive. My problem was that while I could achieve orgasm, it took so long that I honestly felt like it was not worth the effort most of the time, it felt more like work than pleasure.
The thing that made the biggest difference for me was talking openly and candidly with my husband (of over 15 years). I still worked with my doctors - adjusting med levels and/or combinations, but he and I tried all sorts of things on our own. We bought new sex toys, we shared our fantasies - some we tried and some were the kind that were more fun to think and talk about than actually try ( like my fantasy about a threesome with one of his friends! ). And finally, my family doctor came up with a prescription for a topical, clitoral creme made with a very small amount of Viagra available only from a special compounding pharmacy. Our local pharmacy calls their special compound "Love Lotion" (it used to be called "Dream Cream"). It is expensive, and most insurance plans w0n't cover it... but Wow! What a difference it has made. I don't have to be in the mood at all for this stuff to work, and a bonus side effect - for me, at least, is that after using it, I have rather erotic dreams for several days after which kind of keeps the mood going. Pretty intense orgasms and now I don't need to use the cream every time. I guess my body has been reprogrammed or something and I'm more like my old self again.

But truly, while sex can be important to a relationship, it shouldn't be a deal-breaker. Especially, since you learned about this issue before you tied the knot.
I've always believed that sex is only of great importance in a relationship when you're not getting enough.

Hopefully, my own experience and something I have said here will help you out or at least give you something new to think about. Good luck.
TM

Jun 03 11 - 11:51pm
duh

No sex for three yers = no sex for the rest of your married life. Get some self esteem and move on.

Jun 17 11 - 11:36am
Jake

Let this bitch be someone else's problem.

Jun 04 11 - 12:07am
Mrs Muggs

I went though a long period of low desire - I remember blaming it on hormones (having babies) etc., but I distinctly remember BEFORE getting pregnant saying to my husband "okay, I'm ovulating...time to do it" which makes me admit that it was a problem even before having kids. (We weren't exactly doing it like bunnies so that discontinuing the birth control would easily result in pregnancy). I did a ton of personal work, examining my beliefs about sex..about my own attractiveness/self-image and what it really came down to was that "I" had to want to change things...not just to keep my husband happy, but to please myself as well... I never wanted to be the cliche wife who never wants it. I can now say that my desire is a little higher than my husbands, but it didn't get here overnight. One book I would highly recommend is Athol Kay's "The Married Man Sex Life Primer". It has helped us a lot.

Jun 04 11 - 12:27am
Mmmkah

You should "take" her somewhere and then find a secluded area and have sex. Be spontaneous catch her off guard.

Jun 04 11 - 12:39am
Buck Nasty

A few things
(1) Have her check herself out. Between drug interference, birth control side effects, and personal health issues, chances are something is going on.
(2) The vast majority of women in their 20s don't know shit about sex. Somewhere around 28-29, their sex drive simply explodes. At 34 she will be fucking you under the table.
(3) If all is otherwise healthy/okay, drop her.

Jun 04 11 - 3:24am
Sine Metu

How was her family growing up? I had some kind of ridiculous 'cohabitation syndrome' for a long time and through therapy I'm definitely better than I was but it has taken work and insight to get past it. You deserve better and so does she, and I think to give up on this before every option has been exhausted sells both of you short.

So here's what the deal was with me. When the relationship I was in would get to a point where it looked like a married couple, essentially when we would start living together, I would shut down as a person. I would check out emotionally, stop wanting to have sex, gain 65 lbs. It was terrifying, both because it felt like I wasn't in control of what was happening and I hated this person I became in these situations, and because I was clearly aware that what I did threatened the relationship and despite being quite miserable I loved the person I was with to death and knew that if I lost them I would miss them to pieces. Well, as it turns out, the years of living in a miserable, alienated mess of a family weren't just a sad way to spend my first 18 years. Somewhere along the way I had internalized this idea that living together was a one way ticket to the husband and children that would inevitably result in me being just as depressed as my parents were growing up. Being aware of this and doing the work to make sure my relationship wouldn't turn into my parents' is a struggle at times but it is soooo worth it.

I don't know if any of this is part of the issue or not. The way she talks about not knowing what happened with your sex life and how she is caught between dreading sex and wanting to be desired really resonate with me, though, and she is probably troubled about this even if it's scary to try to fix it. Now is an awesome time to try to get things figured out...you are committed and should do what you can to get it figured out (couples therapy or helping her pay for her therapy if you can swing it, trying the things she can articulate that might make it feel good again) and she should feel like part of her commitment to you is to pursue whatever she thinks might help. Seriously, she can't be excited about spending her wedding day stressed out about enduring the sex or disappointing you by rejecting you on your wedding night, and you said it makes you feel more negative about the whole relationship. Invest in it now and in 50 years you'll be remembering all of the awesome sex you had instead of wondering if you should have headed for the hills ages ago when you could still get some action. That's assuming you didn't leave her during your midlife crisis and she didn't leave you to see if she could make the magic happen again with someone new. Good luck!

Jul 31 11 - 8:40am
isa

I agree here, try to fix it _together_. She probably wants to fix this as badly as you do, but doesn't know how to communicate, maybe because she is feeling guilty. Does she know what she want from sex? Maybe you need to play around a little, and take the pressure of it. Is it the penetrating sex she avoids, or is it cuddling, petting etc? Give her some literature with instructional erotica, and read it together and talk, and maybe she'll find something she likes, and it might work better. Keep asking her to define what turns her on, try to get her to want to explore it. And talk, talk, talk. You need to talk this out.

Jun 04 11 - 5:05am
roc

sounds cruel to say, but could be that she's not strongly sexually attracted to you, and like you, she's trying to avoid confronting the problem because she loves your other qualities and doesn't want to lose a socially, emotionally fulfilling relationship over one issue. thing is, it's an issue that will never go away, because as we all know, one does not generally become suddenly more hot for a person after five or ten or twenty years. either float the idea of introducing a degree of openness into your arrangement, or end it so you can both find someone more compatible. dysfunctional monogamy is a recipe for lifetime frustration.

Jun 04 11 - 5:06am
beenthere

Make sure she knows that you think she is attractive and sexy. That got me out of a slump once. I went from sexually dead to wild child.
Be sure she doesn't feel pressured though. That's a sex killer for some women.

Jun 09 11 - 1:59am
SPD

And many men, too.

May 12 12 - 2:05am
tm

Amen. I couldn't agree more.
Don't take each other for granted. Romance each other.Seduce each other.
Don't let sex become just another duty or chore that needs to be done.
Please don't pressure your partner, try to make them feel guilty, or like they owe it to you. Also, know what it's like to have a long rough day/week at work?...when you come home and want nothing more than a hot meal, a hot shower and to crash in front of the TV to relax? She has those days/weeks too.
And DO NOT beg! You are not a puppy and being cute, flashing puppy eyes is NOT a turn on.

Jun 04 11 - 5:28am
dr. steve

i guess she needs an internal examination.../
ever tried asking her if she has trouble during or after sex? whether she's having her orgasms well enough...
if she's been taking a pill for a long time..ask her to drop it for a month or so...
see if it works or not..

Jun 04 11 - 6:01am
joyce

Is it possible that she already told you what her problem is and you totally misunderstood her? You wrote that she told you that you "have to get her aroused" but that everything you do she finds unpleasant. Did you interpret "get her aroused" in the physical sense? She probably meant more in the mental sense.

You were probably much flirtier with her during the first year of your relationship, which she probably found very sexy. Now that the two of you have been together for so long and are so familiar with one another, you may no longer be mentally stimulating her. I don't mean that you aren't smart or interesting, but instead that you aren't being romantic.

Try making an effort to flirt with her and make her feel interesting instead of treating her like your other half. Go out on dates together instead of just watching TV every night or hanging out with friends. Give her chances to get dressed up a little bit so that she can feel sexy.

If she was a man and you weren't turning her on, it might be a physical or technical problem. Since she is a woman, though, it is probably more of a lifestyle issue. Try to make her life with you a little bit more thrilling -- not just once per month on date night. Make out with her just for the sake of making out, without it necessarily leading to sex. This is a great tease and over the course of a few days can really turn a woman on.

Even if you do have great technique, most women are not going to enjoy years of sex that seems totally mechanical to them.

Jun 04 11 - 7:09am
Not Doctor John

If her libido is down and she is telling you that you have not been doing what needs to be done to arouse her, there are a few possible problems. One, she is on the pill. Two, she does not want to be in the relationship. Three, she has been cheating. Four, she has depression.

Whatever the case, if this is important to you, and not her, this is likely to not be worthwhile to pursue into marriage, and has the possibility to breed resentment.

Jun 06 11 - 8:51am
DR

Yes I agree. It's really easy for the one not putting out to turn the issue around and blame the horny one by saying stuff like "you're not quite pressing the right buttons", "I need to be more mentally aroused", "you don't understand me", "I need more foreplay" but always not getting specific enough to help you. Eventually you find yourself jumping through endless hoops to figure her out - and guess what - it still doesn't work. Do not take this on yourself - either she is fully into you or she isn't. If she isn't, she's on the curb. If she is, she owes it to you to explore this fully and not put all the burden on you to figure her out. Good luck! And hey, if it doesn't work out it's sad but not the end of the world - you'll find someone just as good.

Jun 06 11 - 8:55am
DR

p.s. there is a lot of bogus romantic thinking going on with women ("if he really understood me, he'd know exactly what to say and how to get be going...blah blah blah"). A good relationship can't be based on these illusions. We can't read each other's minds. And that kind of performance can never be sustained. Please grow up people.

Jun 04 11 - 8:40am
anon

if she "doesn't know what feels good" she's either lying or distant. something else is up here. it may have nothing to do with the letter writer (though it may), but the fiancee needs to be honest with her guy, which means she first needs to be honest with herself (which it sounds like she's not willing to be, letting this go for so many years).

Jun 04 11 - 8:51am
AlanK

Have you been to the RIGHT doctor? You need someone who can read hormone levels, which means an endocrinologist. If a full battery of tests check out OK the problem--as numerous people have said--is that you two don't have a life together. But be really really sure you've done the lab work first; loss of libido can be a symptom of various forms of tumors in the brain. Or it can simply be primary--that is, she's making too much or too little of something important for no known reason--and be treatable through hormone therapy.

Jun 04 11 - 9:51am
brl

she loves you but she's not in love with you and doesn't feel attracted to you. i've been this girl. move on or live the rest of your life in a brother&sister white marriage

Jun 04 11 - 10:46am
R

I was in a relationship for several years in which, by the time it ended, the sex had waned to about once a month. I loved this man and wanted to marry him. The physical chemistry and emotional connection were strong. The problem was that he became depressed and gave up on trying to make anything in his life better. Now, I applaud people that love someone enough to stay through the therapy and depression. Some people are too depressed to take action, though. I would have been happy to work through this issue with him, but he made it clear that he didn't want to do any work. I got out of that relationship a few years ago and, despite being lonely, I am so much happier.

Jun 04 11 - 4:39pm
AT

Maybe she's a lesbian.

Jun 04 11 - 4:58pm
Greg

Are you extremely small, if so she's just being nice, because to a woman that can be a mood killer? Do you cum really fast, like on the inside of your panties, again, mood killer. Last but not least, do you have either really bad breath or nasty body odor, mood killers. If YOU have none of these issues than she just doesn't like having sex with you, because honestly she and I have no issues doing the nasty together, when you leave for work and she's still getting ready she's getting ready for me to knock. Sorry dude, it's time you knew

Jun 04 11 - 7:20pm
SexlessMarriage

DSTBMM, there is a lot of advice here, but the most common (and important) is that you definitely should NOT get married. Walking away from an engagement might seem daunting, but trust me, it's a hell of a lot easier than walking away from a 20 year relationship that you've invested much of your existence into, with a house and kids in the mix as well. Chemical issues aside, getting married means you will have less and less sex over time. It's just one of those dirty little secrets no one tells you about. Men's sex drives continue throughout their lives and (most) women's sex drives taper off at different points, typically after the last child is born. If your fiancee has lost interest in your sexual relationship, you are (in effect) sentencing yourself to a lifetime of monogamy. The important thing to remember is that you still have a choice in the matter. As a 40-year-old devoted husband and father, I don't. I never expected to be in this situation and can tell earnestly you that it's a shitty one to be in. My wife and kids are great, my life is great, but my sex life is nearly extinct (that is not an exaggeration, it happens to many husbands). Unless you want your life to be a catch-22, where you are either sexless or a bastard for desiring intimacy of any kind, get the hell out of the relationship now. Seriously. Don't even try to negotiate. Othersise you will spend decades providing unconditional love and support, emotionally/financially/etc. and still be without physical intimacy because all of her needs are met and yours will be treated as both inferior and invalid. You will go to counseling, read books, take romantic vacations, explore all other forms of intimacy, but unless you want to spend 50 years of conjoling for something innate to you as a male, you need to take a deep breath and end this relationship now. It will not get any easier. Good luck.

Jun 06 11 - 4:20pm
Sparky

Listen to this advise, he is absolutely right on. You will be stuck in a catch-22, damned if you do, damned if you don't. The bottom line is your needs are not being met and the other party is not interested in meeting them. Everyone can say what they want, this WILL NOT CHANGE. It may get better for certain periods of time, but the underlying matter, and your increasing resentment, will only doom you to a life of misery and "what-ifs". Get out while you are young and healthy (I have been married for 20 years, and the frequency of sex only decreased with time starting the week after our engagement). Find someone who is interested in you, and is interested in sex, build a life together with that person.

Jun 04 11 - 8:26pm
nyuk

I was in a relationship for 10 years, but found my ex sexually attractive for only about the first two years of the relationship. I spent the next eight fucking years trying to convince myself and him that he wasn't the problem, he just needed to try to "arouse" me more, we just needed to get off the pill, I just needed to de-stress, I just needed a therapist, blah blah blah blah blah.
The reality? I simply was no longer attracted to him as a sexual being. It can happen at any time, to any one, especially when you are young. The attractiveness of a person to someone is often reliant on more than just physical factors (especially for young women...I had sex with way too many dudes just because they were really cool, and I am sure some other women can relate).
When I finally admitted TO MYSELF that whatever was there in the beginning was gone, I was able to leave the relationship. But obviously I broke his heart in the process even though my intentions had been good the entire time. Now that I am with someone I am truly sexually attracted to (and we work a little to maintain the spark...so important!) I know that honesty would have been the best thing for us both. I wasted both of our time, despite the many good memories of the positive aspects of our relationship.
In short... have a serious talk with her. Get her drunk enough to loosen her tongue, get up the nerve to ask her if there's any kinks she has that she has been afraid to reveal to herself or you (it's possible!), and if not...she needs to really be honest with herself and YOU and tell you if the attraction is gone.

Jun 04 11 - 9:40pm
Ariel

I think it is actually very common for a woman's desire for sex with her partner to wane after the first year or so together. At least this is what happened to me in every single long-term relationship I have had. For me it is a physiological reaction - my body just doesn't respond the way it used to, even when I feel attracted and interested. I don't really know what to do about it, other than accept that it may be more difficult for her to get physically excited about having sex with you and try to work around it (assuming she is interested in the first place). I've been married for almost 4 years now (together for almost 6) and thankfully my husband's libido is not that much higher than mine - we're both interested in sex but not super often. When we do end up getting together, because it's not that often, we're both ready for it. If you haven't had sex in an year or more, there is probably something else going on, I second the comments about birth control pills killing libido, this happened to me and I think I am only just now starting to get it back almost 4 years after stopping them.

Jun 04 11 - 9:59pm
Chicago

1) Put the wedding on hold. Long engagements are romantic, anyway.
2) Get her hormone and thyroid levels checked out, see if any medications are messing with her libido.
3) Take a few rounds with a sex-positive couples therapist, where you can talk about whether she's attracted to you anymore, sexual hang-ups(she sees you coming on to her as a referendum on her attractiveness, not a fun thing to do together?), if you need to change your technique, blah blah blah blah. Just get a neutral party in the room to see if that will make her open up about her change.

And, if she digs in her heels, doesn't see a lack of sex as a problem, won't put in the effort to fix it, invents flimsy excuses for why she doesn't want to fuck you, and just wants to get married soon; ask yourself if you want to spend your life with a woman who doesn't seem to care about an issue that deeply affects you, or talk about a difficult matter. Infrequent sex after one year isn't a very good sign, children and decades will only make it worse.

Jun 24 11 - 12:38am
sorpresa

I think this is the best advice here.

Jun 04 11 - 10:11pm
AJ

One more thing about a sexless marriage- it makes you (as the more sexual partner) very vulnerable to divorce theft. If the deal you two have is that you have sex only once a month, it's going to be way harder to re-negotiate that after you get married than before. Especially if you have any kids, and especially if she is the kind of woman who doesn't validate the idea that sex is something you need, and has no interest in helping you get off for it's own sake. As soon as you are married, should you ever cheat to get your sexual needs met, she has the grounds to destroy you in the divorce. Forever after the reason for the divorce will be: your infidelity. If this women expects you to meet her financial, emotional and circumstantial needs as a loving and committed partner, the fact she is not motivated to work on her lack of interest in sex speaks of selfishness or denial, because no 25 year old in the year 2011 could be so clueless as to think that once-a-month-missionary is going to be enough for her husband for the next 40 years. In the end, don't make yourself emotionally and financially vulnerable to someone who is not interested in a physical relationship with you. If it helps- flip the situation over. Imagine that your fiance is the one who wants sex 3/4 times a week, but YOU can only get an erection for 5 minutes once a month. Imagine looking her in the eye and telling her that she needs to 'turn you on' but at the same time, you let her know that you don't like her touching you! Imagine that you are the one who has no interest in working on the problem, and you just expect her to go without sex, for 3 years! If the idea of YOU doing that HER sounds really selfish and very detached from being a loving partner tuned into her needs, remember that this is exactly what she is doing to you. You are putting up with it because you love her, but over time that love will be strained to it's limits if sex is never going to be a part of your marriage. If you marry her with that being NORMAL in your relationship, it leaves the door open to all sorts of anger and resentment issues to breed like wildfire.

Jun 05 11 - 1:17am
eva

Are you an asshole? Cause that can definitely cause this sort of thing. If so, just stop doing that.

Jun 06 11 - 9:36pm
el

I think from his letter it's pretty clear that he's not an asshole. You might be, though.

Jun 09 11 - 10:18am
DSTBMM

No I'm not an asshole, if I were one I'd probably would have dumped her after a month without sex.

Jun 05 11 - 1:50am
Steve

lt ain't going to get better

Jun 05 11 - 6:37am
Dick

Don't negotiate, it will only be temporary. Having her as a dead starfish will make you bitter. Face it you want her to want you. Barring biological issues she's just not that into you. I guarantee if she was with someone new she'd be all over him. It isn't just the frequency it is the lack of desire. If you were having sex whenever you felt like it, but she was texting, watching tv, trying to read a book, etc,. you'd hate it. Remember love is effortful (full effort is required from both of you). Getting married should be an easy decision because it's exactly what and who you want. If you're not sure this is exactly what you want I am sure you will be miserable.

Jun 05 11 - 7:56am
MTJ

Don't worry about it. You shouldn't be having sex until you're married anyway.

Jun 06 11 - 2:49am
AS

LOL

Jun 05 11 - 9:30am
jgc

She's having an affair

Jun 05 11 - 11:41am
e065702

Pretty much the same thing happened to me. I forged ahead thinking things would get better after we got married. They didn't. Things got progressively worse until our current state of a completely sexless marriage. The sequence was as follows. 1) She stopped having sex because of her moral guide told her to but she didn't take this up with me; 2) I was totally confused and didn't know what to do; 3) she wanted to have a baby and I was so elated to start having sex that I failed to recognize this was temporary; 4) We had kids and she lost all interest in sex, and; 5) Our kids are growing up and we have no intimate relationship whatsoever. I fully anticipate that when the youngest leaves the house we will go our separate ways.

My advice to you, run away as soon as possible and find someone else. A lousy sex life makes a marriage unbearable.

Jun 06 11 - 12:49am
LisaD

So... this sounds like the story of every single lesbian I know. The ones who were married to men before they came out all said that they just couldn't figure out why they weren't interested in sex. They were fond of and loved the men they were with, but just weren't attracted to them. When they finally realized it, came out, divorced, and dated women, all of a sudden their sex drive reappeared.

Jun 06 11 - 10:14am
Liz

Speaking from experience -- I've had several long-term relationships with women and men -- I think there's something psychological going on. Basically the same thing has happened to me in all my relationships, straight or gay, that have lasted more than a year...

Jun 06 11 - 7:23am
JDL

RUN AWAY!! Marrying her will be the most frustrating experience of BOTH your lives...Look for sexual compatibility...

Jun 06 11 - 10:58am
CG

There is definitely a problem here that will not just go away on its own. Please address this with your fiancee now. I agree with what everyone said abotu postponing the wedding until you've figured out what is wrong. My thoughts are that her lowered sex drive is one or a combination of the following:
- The initial "thrill" of the relationship has worn off and it's difficult for her to get sexually excited by someone who she sees all the time. There's been some scientific research on how women get turned on more by newer partners and can get sexually bored in long-term monogamous relationships. That's not to say you are doomed, but you and your fiancee need to work at finding some "newness" or excitement.
- She doesn't know what she wants. Women in their 20's, especially in their early 20's, tend to follow dating patterns that they feel are socially acceptable. This might not be exactly what they really want. She's still growing and changing, and you two might have grown apart.
- She's got a medical problem, such as depression or hormonal issues. Or she's taking medication (like birth control) that is decreasing her libido. She should definitely see a doctor to see if this is the case.

Her doctor and possibly a therapist who specializes in couple's issues can help you guys sort through this.

Jun 06 11 - 1:49pm
dilly

Simple actually.....she is a lesbian, bring home another woman and watch the fireworks happen!!

Jun 06 11 - 2:20pm
Dawn

It could be hormonal or it could be depression. In any case the first visit avoid be to a doctor.

Jun 06 11 - 7:06pm
Meander

I wish I had read these postings a couple of years ago.

Jun 07 11 - 10:12pm
coolbeans

This happened to me an my fiance. During our 5 year relationship I came to realize that I was no longer interested in men and was only interested in women. Before we ended things, I had absolutely no desire to have sex with him....for quite some time. I know other women that have experienced the same thing....maybe your girl likes girls.

Jun 09 11 - 1:34am
Skip

You owe your partner and yourself some due dilligence. You have to be happy going into the marriage (or you're fodder for articles in Nerve) or you'll ruin 2 peoples lives. So ask her some questions, listen to her and see if she needs help. Therre are so many reasons, (the pill, depression, anemia, shift work!) for lack of nookie Or maybe it's a walk up call on your relationship. But be honest with her and yourself.

Jun 09 11 - 6:50pm
DanielG

She sounds like my ex-wife. She had father issues, and I didn't catch on to it. Sex was all house-afire at first, but then, once we had committed to each other, she squelched it. I don't know what her problem was, but I was supportive and thought it was the best I could do. Ten years on, I find out that she has been sleeping around. It was just me she didn't want to have sex with. Bloody hell!

The long and short of it is that sex after marriage is not going to get better than it is now. Love, caring, sharing, yes, maybe, but hot, sweaty sex, no.

If she there aren't problems with her physiology, then there are problems with her mental state. I have met more than one woman who was molested as a child and they had a hard time achieving intimacy as adults. Intimacy requires vulnerability, and if a person will never allow themselves to be vulnerable, they can't be intimate. Molestation caused a defensive reaction toward touching and being touched that blocks the willingness to be vulnerable. Your fiance could have been sexually molested as a child. I've met more than one guy who married a woman, and didn't know what happened to her as a child. In all three cases, there was some amount of substance abuse and the marriage broke down.

Good luck.

Jun 10 11 - 9:03pm
bucket1

Girlfriend's sex drive missing? Look under the dirty dishes.

Jun 11 11 - 12:07am
SCM

Sounds exactly like me. For me it was the birth control. Any kind of hormonal birth control killed my sex drive. Certain ones were better then others, but once I switched to a copper IUD I have had a nearly non-stop sex drive after my body reset itself.
It was six months into my relationship when my sex drive died but we got married anyway and it took me years, like 6, to figure this out, and I'm so glad he stuck with me because it wasn't that I didn't love him or wasn't attracted to him. I was just that sex never crossed my mind and nothing aroused me and overly sexual things even turned me off. The harder he tried the less interested I was, which sounds horrible I know. But as I said, we got it all back in line and his support over the years has panned out to a guy who has to say no to me once in a while, though rarely :) Stick with her and support her and tell her you love her no matter what and that sex isn't everything but that you would like it to be part of your relationship, and encourage her to talk to her doctor about other options.

Jun 12 11 - 6:10am
Low Sex Drive Sucks

Maybe your fiancée is like my wife. She liked sex until we got married, then it became the carrot to keep me in range of the stick. Do yourself a big favor and find someone more compatible with you, for it won't get any better if you remain.

Jun 12 11 - 9:11am
Hb

I am 31 and a female who is experiencing a problem similae to you fiance. My fiance and I have been togethe also 3 years and got engaged about 6 mo ago. In 2008 I had a nervous breakdown from a previously abusive relationsgip..it was emotional, physocal, and YES sexual abuse. And I admitted myself for psychiatric treatment before I committed suicide. About 2 months afyer treatment ( inpatient a few days n outpatient for the rest of the time to date). I also have daddy issues. I think my man is HOT and I used to screw him anywhete..even in public.restrooms and parking lots...and now I cant even think of sex. I drastically changed my life. I left my town,friends,family, my coke and alchohol, and started college. Between the depression mefs, the birth control pill and weight gain caused me great stress. I love my man n I wish things could be normal...i honestly dont know what happened or how to fix it either. Please give her the benefit of the doubt..she maybe trying to fix it on her own..i am! How do you think I found this? I was looking for a reason why this happened to me and how to fix it. In an evolutionary psychology course I took explained in a book called moral animal by robert wright..about darwin primarily..but touches on birth control. Apparently it causes women who wete highly attracted to thier mates to become turned off by them. If she met you n was attracted to you while on birth control..that is not the issue, however if she met you and then began birth control and thw normal sexual behavipr decreased..then the pill could be the issue (i am hoping that is my problem..started taking pill after a yr and a half together. Your body thinks ut is pregnant on the pill..if ur body thinks its pregnant..why would the body demand sex? Just a thought to ponder. I stopped takimg my depression meds hoping it wpuld help..but made me more depressed and even less sexual. When in the inpatient they mentioned upon release I could have hypothyroidism but my reg dr said I was ok when they blood tested me. I wish for you and your fiance, and me and mine can solve rhis. I found reading the responses sickining...although cheating, lesbian, non attraction could be factors..it is not set in stone that that is the case..it isnt with me!!

Jun 12 11 - 9:28am
Hb

Oh..just one othwr thing...i atleast make an effort to have sex..wven when I dont want it..to ensure he knows he is not the problem..in this case its me. Sometimes im satisfied I did it anyway! Do not force her..thats rape..even in a relationship..however if she would give in every now and again it aint bad! Its hard to have sex if you feel insecure about yourself like I do. Let her know you think shes.pretty..just cause your engaged doesnt mean that inside her head she feels pretty wnough for you or deserving of your love. Also not in my case but my friend..after college thought she was better than her man n thus he became inadequte and unattractive to her. I suggest you talk to her aboit it. Men are more sexual beings as far as need is concernef they are the faster sex. Men enjoy young attractive fertile women..maybe she no longer sees herself that way..wheras women are happier with financial security and masculinity..maybe she no longer sees you that way! No matter what only your heart will tell you..your mind will only get in the way. Do you love her? Yes! Then make it work..dont listem to these people...yes you may get caught in a sexlrss marriage that winds up in divorce. However no one has mentioned that if.you leave her over this and dont try to work through it..u may spend the rest.of your life regretting leaving..she may be the love u cant get.out of your head even when you marry tje women who screws you everyday. Sex is an important factor in a relationship bit it isnt the most important. Do you communicate? Work well togethrt? Cant imagine life witjout eachother? Try to make it work. I cant tell you how to handle this..if I knew I would ask my hottie fiance to do it for me. I just ask you try..bc she may really want to fix it but doesnt know how and is embarassed by it like me!

Jun 14 11 - 4:28pm
Nina

Having just read all the other comments, I need to add that commitment and marriage is not necessarily the death knell for sex drive. My lull started before my boyfriend and I committed to each other, and then we we were on basic once-a-week sex maintenance the whole time I was in grad school and for a couple years after. Especially in grad school and while on antidepressants, I really didn't care to have sex that often, but I made myself commit to the extra time and effort it took to get aroused, tease him, and enjoy sex on our "date" each week because we agreed that as much as we enjoy each other, sex was the glue holding us together. Our sex life is much better now that I have more free time, but it has also taken me realizing I needed to read porn and talk about my fantasies with him like I used to when we first got together.

Jun 15 11 - 7:21pm
durfus mcGrew

Run. Run like hell, but just fucking R_U_N!!

Jun 17 11 - 3:11am
HB

Geez...do not accept all of the emotionally-laden terrible advice. Listen: She is not into you. She is using you. Go find a woman who wants to fuck, and take it from there. Do not get sucked into her games...just leave, and find another and more willing partner who actually likes to fuck you. If you do not, you will find yourself paying child support to her while living in a third-floor walk-up...there is a pattern in American society where women use men. You are being used. Run.

Jun 18 11 - 1:45am
Mrs.D-23

I agree she should get checked for hypothyroidism and depression. If it's either, it's fixable, and you should get your girl back. If it's neither, dump her ass and run because she's just not into you. I've been married to my husband for three years, and aside from when he's out of town and for two weeks after I had our daughter, we have always had sex at least twice a week. I'm interested in him and interested in pleasing him, because he's my life partner. You deserve the same.

Jun 19 11 - 3:34am
K

Your girlfriend has realized that you are looking around for some strange, and that is why she doesn't want to have sex with you.

Jun 20 11 - 2:17am
cndy

first thing I'm thinking is that she's got some unresolved anger issues towards you that even she may not be totally conscious of (yay). Not talkin bout the kind of anger that makes you want to kill your partner w/ sexual passion in the bedroom, but the OTHER kind of slow resentment that builds over time that is triggered by stupid shit happening over and over and over again w/ no resolution. THAT kills sex drive. Do you "keep your side of the street clean", so to speak, or does she sometmes have to double as your mother w/ regard to taking care of yourself emotionally / physically / fiscally? Are you two still "equals" in every sense of the word, or does she have to pull your weight as well as her own?

Another thought: is she on antidepressants of ANY kind? sometimes that kills sex dead, the end.

Jun 20 11 - 11:05am
S23

Sex is diferrent for a man and a woman. For a man, you are sure to orgasm every time. For a woman (well, me anyway) it´s more like 20/80. For a woman, it is also messier. You have to sleep in a sort of sticky and uncomfortable state. We also take longer to get aroused. I think these are the reasons why women want sex less generally. My man makes and effort to turn me on, romances me, treates me well all the time. This makes me want him every day. Sex is an act of love. An important part of a relationship. She should be actively looking at ways to help herself want a healthy sexual relationship with you if she loves you, as this is one of your needs, and her job as your partner in life is to make you happy, as yours is to make her happy. I sometimes don´t really feel like having sex, but I let him kiss me, touch me, and eventually get into it and am glad I did because this intimacy is part of our love. If you marry her, it will only get worse. So unless you want a sexless life, or to become an adulterer or a divorcee, sort it out. Be open with her. If you can´t show her this letter, then you have a relationship without communication. She should be the one person on earth you can talk to freely.

Jun 21 11 - 11:06pm
Lannon

I had this same sort of problem with my husband. We started having issues after six months of a great fulfilling sexual relationship. Then the sex just kind of disappeared. I tried to be supportive, patient, kind, loving. I tried leaving him alone, I tried to spice things up, I tried to talk him into getting therapy. During this time we got engaged and then married. I continued to tell myself (and he repeatedly told me) that it was "just sex" and shouldn't have any impact on our overall relationship. It shouldn't affect how much we loved each other, or our commitment to each other. I continued to tell myself that even as I cried myself to sleep and felt alone and unloved every time he pushed me away and acted like my sexual self was nothing more than an irritation. I continued to tell myself that even as I got to the point where feeling physically aroused would make me nauseous and worthless and rejection was a part of normal life. We talked about it endlessly. He knew exactly how I felt and it never mattered enough for him to take any action whatsoever towards fixing or even understanding it. It never mattered to him. We've been separated now for almost a year and there is such a difference between what I experienced with him and what I'm experiencing in my current relationship. Before I felt like there was something wrong with me, something so terrible in the way that I looked and acted and in my sexuality that my own husband couldn't bear to touch me. It doesn't get better. Don't marry her and don't let her act like your sexual being is irrelevant to the relationship, because it's not and never will be.

Jun 22 11 - 2:35pm
DB

I don't see anyone mentioning power struggle. Sounds to me that she is holding you by the tail ie using sex to establish who has the power in this relationship. She could have any reason for fearing to be under the control of another person. Whatever - considering the length of time that this has continued.........................I think you've been unrealistic to stick with it for this long. Consider that for a moment or longer. Sounds like a mismatch with you being the wishing will make it so to her being the he''ll have to take me as I am. Not straight dealing by
either one. Good luck.

Jun 24 11 - 12:25am
sorpresa

This was my first thought! The Pill completely killed my previously enthusiastic libido AND dropped me into a severe depression. As soon as I realized what was happening I stopped taking it cold turkey (which I don't think you're supposed to do) and I felt much better after a couple days. Within a week I was back to my old self and the person I had been for months seemed ridiculous to me.

Jun 24 11 - 12:32am
sorpresa

I completely disagree. Game-playing is never the answer. If there's a problem you address it as best you can. If it can't be resolved, move on. If he needs to play a game with her to create a spark then they are either both extraordinarily immature or emotionally unbalanced.

Jun 24 11 - 1:59am
Srsly

"Dump this bitch." "Move On." "Run away."
Seriously??
You guys are totally ridiculous and are the kind of people no one wants to take advice from. He's engaged. He loves her. They've been together for a long time. Shut up about dumping.

Hey soon to be married, are you a douche to your girlfriend? No, really, think about it. Does she "nag" you because you just don't listen? Do you talk about goals and dreams and never pull through or make an effort to?
This girl is an intellectual that probably likes a guy who has goals, missions, dreams and drive. Maybe lack of motivation kills her drive. I don't know you so I could be way off but being a loserish dud is major pussy repellent.

Good luck and I hope it works out.

Jun 26 11 - 7:08pm
Chicago

What in his letter says "loserish dud" to you? Or, that he's a "douche to his girlfriend?" All we have to go by are his words, but things like, "I've even told her if what I'm doing doesn't feel good, she should tell me so I can change it, but again she says she doesn't know" and "this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I have to admit, I like having sex, and think it's a big part of the relationship. It's not everything, but it matters," speak to him being a reasonable and compassionate human being.

FWIW, I think that if nothing is wrong in the relationship beyond (nonmedical reasons for) her low sex drive, then it's to much to ask him to be celibate for the next forty years of his life. Don't be so judgmental as to assume that he's some misogynistic pig just because he wants more sex than his fiancee at thirty fucking years old.

And what the hell is "pussy repellent," anyway?

Jun 25 11 - 2:47pm
Mel

Sometimes the concept of a committed relationship kills a person's sex drive. Once the relationship is solid and the mind realizes that fun, free, and random sex is no longer an option......down goes the desire and drive and motivation.

Jun 27 11 - 1:51am
Joywall

As a mature female my suggestion would be to get her to her gynecologist for an evaluation! It is essential that you make sure that her health is not impeding her libido!

Secondly, if her health is okay you should consider your relationship! I went through a similar situation with a former boyfriend who wandered where my libido went! Well, it went out the door and running down the street as soon as I learned he was searching for and meeting women on the internet! My fear of sexually transmitted diseases and the lack of trust I felt destroyed any libido!
Sex is far too important to hope that it might get better! You should make sure she is okay physically, have a frank discussion with her her about your needs and try to work things out! If things do not improve you should seriously consider ending the relationship, for your sake and hers as well!

Jun 28 11 - 10:49am
geonerstiem

:)

Jul 01 11 - 10:31pm
tuswraith

Dear "Desperate Soon-To-Be Married Man,"
I came across your post while searching for my own particular issue with my girlfriend, which is the exact same problem as yours. While many men and women will say, "well yes, we all have libido problems sometimes," what I mean is that the issue you posted is word for word, context for context, the exact same situation (besides commitment to marriage, but we ARE living together and making plans). I would have written the exact same entry if I had known about this site earlier. It struck such a cord that I created a profile just so I could leave a comment. For that reason, I hope you read this. My girlfriend had been depressed throughout high school and her years in college, and for that reason she had tried a variety of antidepressants. She eventually found one that worked well for her, and she was fine. About two years ago, she was sexually assaulted. It's absolutely terrible, and I can't imagine what she went through. Thankfully, it wasn't a case of vicious forcible rape, and a case where drugs were involved (slipped in her drink), so at the VERY least, she doesn't remember anything, only waking up with a stranger. Let me be frank, sexual assault is sexual assault, no matter what the context, and I know that despite her lack of memories she is still damaged. This was about half a year before I met her. When we DID meet, we were sexually active and all was well. However, after her graduating from college, applying to a master's program, and not being able to find a job, her libido began to wane. At around the same time, she went off her antidepressant. She's doing fine without it, but as a healthcare professional I am aware of the effects that can accompany the discontinuation of certain antidepressants (sometimes libido is lost). She's been on the pill for years, but after going off of it for a month there was no change. It is indeed the "Perfect Storm" of factors for one losing their libido. Sometimes she finds kissing, or even any sort of touching to be uncomfortable and "yucky." On top of that, despite having a very strong libido before, it now just "isn't there." At one point we went three months without sex. It's not me. I'm receptive to suggestions, she's still attracted to me, and I know her VERY well. If she weren't attracted to me anymore, she wouldn't be with me, period. That being said, she feels broken. It's a tough subject to talk about, because she gets upset about not being able to meet my needs, and I get upset because I feel inadequate by not "satisfying" my partner on a regular basis. It was even HER suggestion to open the relationship, on my end only. I've almost taken her up on it, I'm considering it...sex is a healthy activity that has a place in our lives. To whoever wrote this post...I've thought about this issue for MONTHS. I've thought of EVERY scenario, from breaking up to marriage to one day having children. It comes down to this. Maybe you're across the room from her, right now, reading this post. Maybe you're reading this, and she'll walk in the door in an hour or two. When you do see her next, ask yourself, "is this the woman I love?" The answer for me is "Yes." We'll battle with the loss of her libido, we may go months without sex, and maybe we'll have to have long discussions about different plans on being more intimate. However, I'd rather we break up later on, knowing that I gave it my absolute all to be with the person who makes me laugh, knows my ups and downs, knows when something is bothering me, and can call me out on my bullshit. In the end, sex is sex, gratification is gratification, but if you have something special, do everything in your power to make it work before giving up the most important person in your life because one facet of your personal life isn't up to snuff. I know what you're going through. It's not that she "doesn't care," as one reader put, it's that it's hard for her to empathize because she has ZERO desire. It's hard for us to comprehend, but the issue may upset her for the same reason that it upset my partner. Stay strong, and always remember what's important in life.

Note: For anyone wondering, she has been to her OBGYN and doctor, explaining the issue, and has had all hormones checked for low/high levels, according to her blood work she's absolutely fine.

Aug 16 11 - 9:28am
My Self

Well, personally I feel what you are going through, and I feel as if you are me futurewise because Im looking at what Im going similar to your situation. It is hecked because it is that lack of feeling unwanted and feel time is wasting by, based off of what you are sacrificing, but regardless of the fact, I believe it is neglect when a female treat a man like that because it results into worst things because the love some men have for female has grown to be mis-understood in many ways. For example, being that men want sex and have a attitude when we don't get it for a long period of time, then females make it seem like a thing it's all about sex, no, it's about intimacy. It's like being in my situation now, made me appreciate a situation that I was in, and it becomes a thing of feeling a void that you may feel like won't ever be sealed. I have that void in my life now. It hurts so bad, it make you wanna cheat, just to get intimacy which is infidelity, and that's something I refrain from doing because I try to keep things safe.
I feel as if it gets to that ;point when I feel like I eventually will, I will end everything, and not look back because you have to ask yourself, how long am I going to be wasting my time going through the same bullshit. It's almost like that ace hood hustlin song in way, when he said "SAME OLE SHIT, JUST A DIFFERENT DAY"

Aug 23 11 - 12:28am
BadKitty

Ask yourself this: Can you live happily for the rest of your life with a sex life the same as or worse than you have now? If the answer is no, then you need to break off the engagement and move on. You CANNOT marry her with the expectation that this will get better. It is unlikely that it ever will, and if a more active sex life is important to your future happiness, then you need to make sure you have that with the person you marry - so either break it off, or at the very least postpone matrimonial plans while you two get some therapy together and don't marry her until/unless the situation improves. Don't get married thinking it will someday go back to how it once was, you'll end up years down the line wondering why you wasted so many years waiting to see if things would change.

Sep 22 11 - 8:34am
Jake

I wonder if Desperate will pay attention to what has been written here in the past few months. I hope he comes back to comment.

Desperate - if you haven't started, first seek counsel. If after therapy, and exercises and thought, care, etc. there still is no desire there - RUN - fast...

Oct 03 11 - 9:01pm
Desperate

Actually for all of you who posted your comments thak you very much for your advice, even those of you who called me a douche bag, or "pussy repellent" as one of you so colorfully put it. Anyways I broke of the engagement, and the relationship. I really gave her every chance i could think of, and gave her every single benefit of the doubt, but in the end it came down to a lack of effort on her part. She just didn't want to put in the work she was so into her comfort zone that she didn't want to get out of it. We ended having arguments every single day over stupid things and I just got fed up. It may have been the wrong thing to do, who knows I might even regret it a few years from now, but all I know is I'm happy right now where I am.
Thanks again to all of you. Cheers!

Oct 04 11 - 11:14am
ABA

I've been married for 8 years and my sex life is miserable. If we didn't have 2 kids we wouldn't be together. The sex was great initially, but our daughter came along pretty early, and things changed pretty quickly after that. When she decided to try for #2 we started having sex more on my schedule - much more often. That lasted until she became pregnant (about 3 weeks). We immediately went back to "normal". That's been 5 years.
I've brought it up so much it's tiresome. She doesn't want to hear about it and gets mad, and honestly I'm tired of it too. Now I don't even want it any more, just thinking about it makes me angry. Otherwise we have 2 amazing kids, and our life together is really good. But the sex thing is huge. Not sure how to get around that. I'm in this weird half-angry mode all the time. I feel like I'm living a cliche.
That's my rant and I feel a little better now. Anyway I'd say you made the right call. Marriage is tough, and something like that only gets worse over time.

Oct 22 11 - 12:04am
Dano

Get out now!!! I'm in the same boat.

Oct 30 11 - 10:17pm
Rh

I am in the same boat dude.. Ive been with my girl for almost 2 yrs and we had an incredible sex life for the first year or so.. Doing it everyday (breaking couches, every position imagineable , sometimes multiple times throughout the night and no sleep before working all day!) it was great.. Until it started to slow .. 3 times a week ..to about once a week.. To hardly ever now. Once a month maybe. I believe its because we spend way too much time with each other and we are agitated with each other. We love each other very much and we try to get along...but we argue about the stuupidest things and cant seem to go a few days without some dumb problem .. Which makes sex non existent. She blames the pill..stress..work.. And that i dont try (which is bull shit bc i try very often and it never works.) once in a blue moon she comes on to me and i think its bc she feels bad..her labido has dropped so far it is crazy. And when we do it she complains (afterwards) about her vagina hurting from it and it makes me feel like im hurting her...but in reality its prolly just cuz we havent done it in 2 months. =( i dont kno what to do and its driving me nuts...im 25 and i have needs. I realize she does too but its gotta meet in the middle somewhere right? Anyways..sorry for rambling..but i just wanted u to kno ur not the only one....and i am starting to think its a neverending issue...im ready to quit

Nov 06 11 - 5:04pm
CTP

This is difficult. I'm rambling, but onward...

I'm in a similar situation. The original poster had the brains to question his situation much faster than I. I'm living - thank god not married - together with an amazing woman - incredibly bright with a wicked sense of humor, hard worker, many many virtues. Everyone who knows her is impressed and thinks she's tremendous. But there's no sex at all. It's been years. I've finally come to understand it won't change and that I do not want to live with it as it is and thaty I probably just need to get out.

Why so long? It's really me at issue. I have a hard time with expressing dissatisfaction and with rocking the boat. We've kinda worked out a partly tolerable accommodation, but it's only a band aid. Our communication is really lame. Neither of us is good at it. We both prefer to evade issues. But I'm the one dissatisfied so it's my move. So, I know it's my fault for not making change before now. Now to find the resolve to carry through.

I'm not sure I can explain it but I think I had to come to a place of relative inner calm before I could be ready to move forward. I've been feeling a lot clearer and a lot less generally pissed off lately. For a long time I held onto a lot of unexpressed anger and for a long time thought the issue was me. I wondered if I was somehow culpable for increasingly being aware of other women. Looking back now I'm just saying no wonder I started noticing. I guess I needed to see that it's not me, and it's not her and neither of us is bad but it's just a mismatch. I've come to a much calmer place where I'm not blaming but get it that I have unmet needs.

For a long time I've wondered about thyroid issues, which she has, and depression, which I believe she has, but she won't move forward effectively on any of that, and it's been so frustrating and so long I lost any physical attraction to her I once had. All that just doesn't matter any more. I just need to get out. Unwinding a 15 year relationship isn't going to be pretty. Admitting how much time I've wasted isn't fun, but I want to make the rest of my life better. She's usually an incredibly intuitive person regarding what really motivates people, but I thing she's been blocking out her own relationship issues. If it were anyone she knows she'd be telling them to get tested and not to let physical issues create additional problems.

On a more day to day level we've accommodated and maybe live better than a lot of couples in many respects but that sets the bar pretty low. While I have a lot of desire for social interaction and a lot of unmet needs for physicality in general, I'm also pretty independent and know I'll live by myself for quite a while with fewer regrets than I have now.

Nov 17 11 - 3:02pm
C

Wow!
I have the same problem with my girlfriend, only much. We've been off again, on again since 1995, the most recent on stretch started in 2003. We are currently a few days over a year since our last time having sex (I know, because it was on my birthday 2010). Before that it was 3+ years (new years 2006/07). I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex in the last 5-6 years. She has pain issues which she cannot get properly diagnosed (they thought rheumatoid arthritis, endometriosis, depression, etc to no avail.) She takes the pill constantly (no break week) by prescription and hasn't had a period in several years, but her libido issues started well before this. She also has fatigue issues, and trying to even get a handjob out of her every few months is treated by her as an inconvenience that is mechanically and quickly done, so she can hurry up and go to sleep. She refuses to see this problem as being as bad as it is, because to her, "sex isn't everything in a relationship" and she can't understand why this frustrates me. She shuts down completely whenever I try to talk about it. She doesn't even like to hold hands or have any sort of touching contact (says it's painful.)
She is fine with me going outside the relationship, but I have never acted on this, because I'm not really fine with it. I'm horribly shy and introverted, I hate crowds and needless to say my self-esteem is fairly non-existent. I couldn't really talk to women before all this, and I certainly can't now. I'd even consider hiring a "professional" but I can't afford it.
We do love each other and we click well on most other aspects of our relationship. Our lives are so intertwined that we couldn't afford to split up if that was an option I was ready or willing to take.
I can offer no solutions, but it is nice to know that I'm not the only one in this pickle.

Mar 20 12 - 3:11am
man

i'm in pain. I broke it off after 7 years. There were good times and bad, but while we were engaged, she was stressed and told me to leave so she could have some more space because we lived in a small place. I am very affectionate and she wasn't. I was deeply hurt but I didn't tell her. When I came back she treated me with disrespect even though I was going to grad school and things were looking good. When I got to school, for some reason, a lot of really attractive women were into me. It was tough because I love this girl, but after all the times she has hurt me (I have hurt her too), and the fact that I wasn't very attracted to her and we never had that love at first sight thing (at least I didn't), and the fact that she has ignored a lot of my requested about our lifestyle and things we need to change, I decided to break up.

She thinks it is because I am stressed but actually, I'm going to pull through with school, in fact, I learned that I was gifted in my field even though I was struggling with grades. So with that confidence, I decided it was time to move on. I had settled for the wrong reasons with her. Financial stability, personality, and loyalty. Most of the reasons didn't have a great influence on our lives to overcome my doubts.

She is deeply hurt. But I feel like I did the right thing now rather than waiting for my life and her life to be over. The more I'm in the relationship the more I build resentment. I have learned a lot, and I just want to start over. So I did.

Nov 20 11 - 12:27pm
Mitch

Is that ralley all there is to it because that'd be flabbergasting.

Dec 03 11 - 12:07pm
Jake

I tend to look on this every now and then, because it was something I was most familiar with. I was married for 30 years. 10 years into the marriage, my husband cheated on me. When I found out, we went out for a romantic weekend and that was the last time we had sex. My libido moved to below nill on the charts and I spent the next 20 years in a loveless marriage. I am not sure why I stayed. Perhaps I was comfortable knowing the relationship I was in and too scared to venture out. However, I've been out of that relationship for two years and I wanted to share that I have been very healthy. I can even tell you the good old libido came back. (I found out from my doctor that libido is 90% in the head... no puns intended.)

So, there is hope. If the sexless relationship is not what you wanted in life -- perhaps you'll consider moving on. You are doing yourself (and even your partner) a disservice. However, if everything else in the relationship is good and communication is there - perhaps it's time for a marriage counselor.

I'm not bitter, I'm happy I moved on. (Shocked a lot of folks!) I'm glad to let you know - there is more to life out there - get out and enjoy it already. Life is too short for all the negativity others want to throw at us.

Dec 12 11 - 6:20am
Baltimore JB

One day neither of your parts will work. Her day just came early. Now, if you meet someone that you really click with, then you can make a choice: and be honest about it! But until that day comes you hang in. You obviously have the internet... In the meantime you take your girl to a reproductive endcrynologist and get her testosterone levels checked. I'll bet a daily cream rub of the hormone gets her back to her wild ways.

Jan 25 12 - 5:12pm
ATLien

As a female I am actually running into the same problem. I am 25 and my husband is in his late 30's. I was extremely sexual in my late teens but I noticed that around age 22 the drive just started to fade away. It is in no way anything to do with my husband. We are a very adventurous couple, we go to strip clubs, fetish clubs, etc.. because I was the one into that and I opened that sort of world up to him. I even used to look at guys/girls across the room and visualize being with them (I am sure lots of people have done this) just to spark the flame and make me hotter when I get home but that has completely diminished. I believe there are several factors and I have been to several doctors. 1) We have been trying to conceive for several years and it is not working due to PCOS (look it up if you dont know what it is).. that is a stressful situation. 2) I have always had 2-3 jobs at once, I have a stressful career now and work long days, we have 100% opposite schedules and can never have a full day off together unless we take vacation day. 3) I take several medications that can lower sex drive. Sometimes after the end of the day, I am just so exhausted. There are so many things that contribute to this.

I feel so badly because I know he tries so hard, he tries to do everything for me, but based on our 100% opposite schedules that it is nearly impossible to just relax and get in the mood. I feel like we are an old married couple. I am just looking for ways to spark it back up and get excited and in the mood again. I think also we need a "game changer," not the same ole -get it on for 10 mins then done and go to sleep- and that is my fault because I just can't get into the mood.

I think we need something else into the mix to change it up, heck even another girl or a secluded sexy vacation. Never be afraid to try anything different, even if it is out of your comfort zone. You'll never know just what weird fantasy can spice up your entire life and open new doors for your relationship.

Feb 29 12 - 9:15pm
Paula Stark

This is quite natural and should be treated as such. Try Scentuelle which you can get here; www.thesoslab.com It's a natural way to help you rekindle what's been missing under the sheets.

Mar 21 12 - 3:46pm
tonypark

swap

Apr 07 12 - 8:07am
Jaded Wife

There is no way that someone can you live happily for the rest of their lives denying their needs? This is an incredibly lonely existence and taking care of your needs is not a adequate substitute. Unfortunately I think the OP needs to break off the engagement and move on. You CANNOT marry anyone with the expectation that this will get better because it never will. If a person has a normal sex drive and believes an active sex life is important, then you need to make sure that your partner agrees and respects your needs. I am a married woman living in a completely barren, sexless marriage and remain because of the children. I am so lonely and have become bitter, resentful but more angry at myself for making excuses for the lack of intimacy. I saw the red flags, made excuses and am now completely depressed. Don't get married thinking it will someday go back to how it once was, you'll end up years down the line wondering why you wasted so many years waiting for your partner to change and they never will.

Jun 15 12 - 7:04am
kel

Maybe you should give a break to your sex life. if you press her for it, she would be pushed away. You do say you love her but you're emphasising too much on your sexual life, it seems love is not the reason you make sex with her but sex is the reason you're into this relationship. You need to understand your responsibilities according to circumstances and act wisely.

Sex drive does fade at various phases of life, your own sex drive may lower at some point like when you become a father or when she is older and not equally attractive as now.

If sex is the primary reason you're into the relation it can't last.

If you really love her, you should talk to her and also Be ready to leave her., ask her if she is happy with you and wants to be with you in a long lasting relation. Ask the same questions to yourself, you've your answers.

Jun 30 12 - 12:46am
sheriff

When i found out we were expecting a baby after a year into our relationship, I was nervous to tell him but he was actually really happy about the baby, but he's been getting less and less happy about our relationship. Even though he suggested we get married and found us a home to live together, he isn't committed. I was realizing that he doesn't consider our marriage to be a real commitment. His parents have both been married multiple times and he feels that the moment things turn bad, he can bail, and I personally feel that marriage should not be a temporary thing. So i searched out online and meet the freemercytemple@yahoo.com contact how he has saved many marriage and i screamed to him for help,i was actually doing this without his knowledge, I started it before but my heart wasn't in it so I started over. This does mean allot to me. I don't believe in divorce, I'm only 24, and I will start day 1 again tomorrow? no. So i explained all my problems to the freemercytemple@yahoo.com and he did all the spell casting and also tell me to do my part which i did,in less than 3 days my partner mud completely changed,he is now caring than ever we just move in to our new apartment AND also he has being given names to the unborn baby.

Jul 07 12 - 12:26pm
Vettie

Speaking from experience. Dumping her is the last thing to do. Try switching to a different pill. Try asking her if SHE is happy with the sex life. These comments are so inconsiderate. This girl is probably in a bad place herself. Just because she isnt putting out, doesnt mean she is the villiam. She is a victim in her own body. You need to be more supportive. Together, work this out. Sometimes oral sex is a good therapy. Mutual Oral... not "guilt oral"... where she gives you Head because she feels bad. I am glad you are looking for help. Its good that you have considered your relationship and look at it as more than just sex. Although, sex is important in a relationship. Not everything, but it is healthy. when you first start dating, couples tend to have sex like rabbits. Thats because hormones are flowing around you. This is a new love, a new life, a new interesting and your mind and body want more of it. After time is established, sex happens less and les.. but you should still be active a 1-3 times a week is normal. 2-3 times a day is long gone. LIFE happens and you have to make it work. Visit the doctor with her. If she sees you being supportive, she will most likely want to work harder at this than ever before to make it all better. Why? Because you are a great guy who cares. I hope you are still together. I hope you two have made it work.

Aug 05 12 - 4:17am
Ben

I disagree. I believe the man knows when he has truly tried EVERYTHING and there is NOTHING left to try.

I used to also be in one of these types of relationships, and had the element of her not wanting to talk about it and everytime discussion about the subject came up, she would somehow turn it into an argument. When the situation is static like this for years, of course the man is going to cheat and eventually leave.

Aug 18 12 - 7:23am
Lopez Jennifer

If your girlfriend propose you threesome with her an any other girl, what would you think about it? Would your feelings for her change?

I ask because i fantasize of having threesome with my fiance and any other girl, I'm not lesbian ,just this idea turns me on so much, seeing him riding other girl .

But i am not sure if i can ask him about it because I'm sure he doesn't expect me wanting this . Maybe if i propose it he will think I'm not wife material? we are engaged, and i don't want lose him.

I would like to know what other men think about it? what would you think if your girlfriend propose this? I Love Sex