The good silver has been giving you bedroom eyes lately.
In cartoons, hungry people look at each other and see giant hams. In the Cosmopolitan headquarters, horny editors (read: bitchy gay men up against deadlines) look around their homes and see things that A) you could fuck yourself with, or B) would look a little more jazzy with some glitter. I'm sure there's a "C) both of the above" in there somewhere, but let's not think too hard about it.
Here are eight non-FDA approved things Cosmopolitan magazine wants you to fuck yourself with, all from real Cosmo sex-tips articles. It turns out this was the promise of fourth-wave feminism: you can have your mop and fuck it too.
1. An electric toothbrush
"Wash the base with soap and warm water, and then have him gently insert it inside of you. It gives you nice, buzzy vibrations."
Follow me on a tangent here: I once washed my clothes at a place that had a big sign that said "No Unauthorized Pooping In The Dryers." In what mad world are people authorized to poop in the dryers? (Also: laundromats are gross. I should get a real job so I can afford to send my laundry out.) Anyway, it's really just like this toothbrush thing: why is washing it not self-evident? Are there household goods you wouldn't wash? Geez. (Get a job. Buy a vibrator, you goddamn sex hobo.)
2. A feather duster
"…It feels amazing to tickle each other's skin with it. The ultra-light stroke is a tease because it turns you on without giving enough pressure to tip over the edge — so it really heightens the anticipation."
Okay, sure, kinky housewife. I get it. But, "over the edge" makes me do a double-take. If there's any chance of you approaching "the edge" with a feather-duster then we're not just talking a run-of-the-mill "Oh, but my bum is so dusty" scenario. No, no, it seems like Cosmo wants you to go full monty on this one.
And that just seems like bad advice. Dusty and unhygenic, sure, but also just bad. Mother always said, "Never trust a skinny chef." To which I'd add, "…or a lady who wants you to fuck her with the duster." For Chrissakes, have some respect. If not for yourself, then for whatever pitiable creature provided the feathers.
3. A vacuum cleaner
"Remove the attachment so it's just a plain hose. While you're wearing your underwear, have him turn it on low and hold it over your clitoris for a sexy sucking sensation. If the sensation is too much (or your vacuum has serious sucking power), have him hold it an inch above your underwear."
One of a plethora of janitorial sex-toy options. By hacking into Cosmo internal emails, I discovered earlier drafts of this tip, which included the following:
• "Dress like a slutty maid and mop the floor. Then pour the water over your hair. Moan like an Herbal Essences commercial."
• "Nine out of ten men say their balls are neglected during oral. Two words: Dust Buster."
• "Pretend his dick is a windshield wiper. Pour Windex all over it."
Anyway, in seriousness, please don't do this. I'm pretty sure you could really hurt yourself. The trial-and-error that's going to be involved in figuring out if your vacuum cleaner has "serious sucking power" isn't worth thinking about. Don't turn into a summer-camp urban legend about the girl who Hoovered her vagina off.
4. A comb or hairbrush
"Who knew your styling tools had a sensual split-personality? Run a comb or a soft bristle brush over his butt cheeks, or use the flat side of your brush like a paddle."
Then, leave it alone until morning, when you'll apply it directly to your freshly washed hair.
5. A spatula
"A rubber or silicone spatula is ideal for spanking because it's soft and flexible."
Actually, it is non-ideal for spanking because its primary purpose is pancakes. Look, there's a Calvin and Hobbes where Calvin wonders if a pet store will sell you a mouse if they know you're going to feed it to a snake. The answer is yes — capitalism is more forgiving than I am — but I still think Williams & Sonoma should implement a more restrictive policy.
If you're sick of all this kitchen-and-cleaning-supplies nonsense, you could always just whap him on the ass with a paperback copy of The Second Sex.
6. Loose change
"Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible."
This remains one of my favorites for sheer inventiveness. On the plus side, if you actually are the aforementioned sex-hobo, you'll have change on hand. Also, language here is — as always — incredibly important. Make sure you use the exact phrase, "Slick my vulva with warming lube, [term of endearment]." I always think "babe" works well.
7. Clothes pins
"Curious about dipping your toe into some S&M lite? Try pinching each other's nipples with clothes pins. Go slow and start by using them for just a second or two, since some people are more sensitive than others in this area. When you release them, blood will rush back into your bulls-eyes, yielding an intense sensation."
I clicked the link hoping that "S&M Lite" was some sort of low-cal Greek yogurt that they were literally telling you to dip your toes in, possibly for cuticle care. I was disappointed.
8. Sandpaper and a cotton ball
"Contrasting scratchy and soft touches will stimulate his nerve endings. Switch."
I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that any physical object — animal, vegetable, or mineral — will stimulate his nerve endings if you touch him with it. Knowing that, why you'd want to treat your boyfriend like an old armoire in need of refinishing is beyond me. Because he will bleed. Of course, while you're at it, why not drizzle warm paint thinner all over his chest?
So there you have it. Cast about your workshop, junk drawer, or couch-detritus for your next relationship aid, and always remember: you can fuck anything, if you try hard enough.