5. A spatula

"A rubber or silicone spatula is ideal for spanking because it's soft and flexible."

Actually, it is non-ideal for spanking because its primary purpose is pancakes. Look, there's a Calvin and Hobbes where Calvin wonders if a pet store will sell you a mouse if they know you're going to feed it to a snake. The answer is yes — capitalism is more forgiving than I am — but I still think Williams & Sonoma should implement a more restrictive policy.

If you're sick of all this kitchen-and-cleaning-supplies nonsense, you could always just whap him on the ass with a paperback copy of The Second Sex.


6. Loose change

"Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible."

This remains one of my favorites for sheer inventiveness. On the plus side, if you actually are the aforementioned sex-hobo, you'll have change on hand. Also, language here is — as always — incredibly important. Make sure you use the exact phrase, "Slick my vulva with warming lube, [term of endearment]." I always think "babe" works well.


7. Clothes pins

"Curious about dipping your toe into some S&M lite? Try pinching each other's nipples with clothes pins. Go slow and start by using them for just a second or two, since some people are more sensitive than others in this area. When you release them, blood will rush back into your bulls-eyes, yielding an intense sensation."

I clicked the link hoping that "S&M Lite" was some sort of low-cal Greek yogurt that they were literally telling you to dip your toes in, possibly for cuticle care. I was disappointed.


8. Sandpaper and a cotton ball

"Contrasting scratchy and soft touches will stimulate his nerve endings. Switch."

I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that any physical object — animal, vegetable, or mineral — will stimulate his nerve endings if you touch him with it. Knowing that, why you'd want to treat your boyfriend like an old armoire in need of refinishing is beyond me. Because he will bleed. Of course, while you're at it, why not drizzle warm paint thinner all over his chest?


So there you have it. Cast about your workshop, junk drawer, or couch-detritus for your next relationship aid, and always remember: you can fuck anything, if you try hard enough.


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