Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: October 2011

Cosmo, Men's Health, and Maxim on lesbians, talking penises, and — strangely — feminism.

By Ben Reininga

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

October. The leaves are falling. A crisp chill is in the air. Foot-long slabs of sandwich are available for only five dollars. Even better, sex is free. It does, however, remain complicated — which is why we turn to the print industry, to teach us how to do it right.

 

Cosmopolitan

Cosmo's big sex feature this month is called "50 Things You Should Never Stop Doing in a Relationship."

Double negatives can work against you. Or, should I say, double negatives can't always not work against you. Grammatical wisdom aside, I bring it up for a reason: you could misread that title, if you were skimming through Cosmo while awaiting the dentist (or, say, while you sitting alone drinking seltzer water and watching Glee on mute trying to finish a goddamn article for the internet).

"50 Things You Should Never Stop Doing in a Relationship"

"Swiping on some lip gloss even if you two are just running Sunday errands. We're not clutching our pearls and insisting you do up your whole face, but a little touch-up isn't exactly going to set back the whole feminist movement or anything."

There's nothing wrong with lip gloss on Sundays, if makes you feel pretty, or you like the taste of Raspberry Sex Explosion. But don't talk to us about feminism, Cosmo. You haven't earned it.

 "Screening his call and waiting ten minutes before returning it. Then be all mysterious about where you were when he asks why you didn't pick up."

Games and lies! Lies and games! Every time you write something like this, another bro-com starring Seann William Scott called Bitches Be Crazy gets the green-light.

 "Occasionally packing your weekend schedule with all sorts of activities that don't include him so he has (almost too much) room to breathe."

Also, don't introduce him to your parents, get comfortable around him, move in with him, or marry him. The spark will die and then so will you. Alone. Also, you can only have sex every third date.

 "Withholding your girl drama from him. Someone is not interested in the fact that Jill had the audacity to wear a cream-colored dress to Jen's wedding."

Listen to yourself, Cosmo. You don't care about Jill's dress either. Let it go.

"Flirting with the cute waiter or bartender so he never forgets just how freaking doable you are."

Let's leave "freaking doable" alone, and just say something a little bit serious: if you need to keep your relationship at arm's length, lie and act weird, just so you guys can keep having fun sex, then it's actually not going to work. Your bootylicious vajazzled vajayay deserves better.  

 

Maxim

In their monthly sex column, Maxim takes on lesbian sex: "Think of them [the lesbians, not Maxim] as an educational tool far more accurate than the 'lesbian' porn on the Internet, full of straight girls fake-orgasming after forty-five seconds." Sounds legit.

"By the time she finally put her tongue on me, I wanted it so bad I came almost instantly."

Or... not.

But, we do find out some of the positive aspects of lesbian sex: if someone gets insecure during sex, "since there are two girls involved, they're more than happy to have a big talk about it right then and there."  

God, such a stereotype, Women always talking about their feelings. (Okay, actually, this is correct. Lesbians do do that a lot. Maxim: one. Me: still a bazillion).

Even if it's a fantasy of yours, don't assume all lesbians want to have sex with your girlfriend: "We can tell when the straight ones walk into a room... But if your lady wants to hop the fence for the night, there are always other straight girls there she can go home with."

And this is where the lesbian article ends. With the message that lesbians don't want to have sex with your straight girlfriend — but straight women do? Apparently porn is right after all...

Commentarium (49 Comments)

Oct 05 11 - 1:55pm
Me

Hey! What's wrong with U of Gu?

Oct 06 11 - 8:54am
Me2

Yeah, what's wrong with U.Guelph? I know tons of awesome, kick-ass feminists (men & women) who went there. Now, I went to U.Waterloo - you could safely pick on Waterloo or Laurier boys most days of the week.

Oct 10 11 - 12:41pm
Satal

The idea is that it's known as a vet school. For animals.

Oct 12 11 - 1:31pm
Anon

Funny Column. But U of G rules, don't lump it in with that jacktard.

Oct 12 11 - 6:10pm
HB

You guys suck. That was a sick burn.

Oct 05 11 - 2:24pm
Russo

To be fair, and in my experience, MH have got it right on kissing. If you intuit a kiss will be well received, and it is, that's preferable to acting like a physiotherapist and forewarning of any intended invasion of someone's body space. Key thing is move in slowish so you give yourself enough time to bail if you're picking up "no go signs" like a face contorted into spasms of revulsion. A couple of caveats 1) This assumes amorous rapport has been established, 2) You don't have autistic tendancies.

Oct 05 11 - 2:51pm
cs

Yeah, ditto that. An undiscussed, well-received kiss is magical.

Oct 05 11 - 2:55pm
@russo

I agree. You shouldn't ask before a kiss. Just move slowly enough for her to turn away if she's not interested.

Oct 05 11 - 3:40pm
Dea

Agreed. Confidence! Also, it kind of deflates the sweet, sweet anticipation of a first kiss if he announces it/asks permission first (and makes me think he's inept at picking up on anything but the most blatant forms of communication, which doesn't bode well).

Oct 05 11 - 4:15pm
thinkywritey

Also agreed. Asking, or even saying "I'm going to kiss you" is the sexual equivalent of pulling the emergency brake at 30mph (i.e. it makes everything smell funny).

Oct 05 11 - 4:22pm
@russo

I just take whatever I want. We all know that "no" really means "yes".

Oct 05 11 - 8:24pm
JT

I guess I'm the only one who likes being asked? I mean, not all the time. But if it's pretty early on dating wise, I'm likely to duck and cover if someone moves in to kiss me without warning. Besides, I think it's kinda sweet and cute!

Oct 05 11 - 9:34pm
@JT

It won't be sweet and cute when I give you a headlock make out session.

Oct 06 11 - 1:02am
Russo

@@Russo #2 > "I just take whatever I want."
You haven't quite grasped what 'caveat' means my friend. Smooth your bristles.

Oct 06 11 - 1:47am
Betsey

I believe he's being sarcatic..

Jan 09 12 - 6:42am
AHB

Asking before kisses has a 100% success rate for me so far. Women seem to appreciate the respect offered, and if you happen to have the skill set to follow through with an engaging kiss, the enthralling emotional response happens anyway.

Think about it this way: if asking makes it too cognitive, just be sure the kiss that follows is good enough to clear any thoughts from her head.

Oct 05 11 - 2:26pm
godwal

According to his website (www.steelballs.com) "[R. Don] attended Clarion State, Penn State, USC and Cal State Fullerton to earn a BA in Philosophy and Cal State Northridge for his MA in Psychology."

(I don't get the Guelph joke either - but wanted to point out the R. Don has made a career out of his steel balls philosophy)

Oct 05 11 - 2:42pm
Alex Heigl

Ben previously mocked the University of Guelph in August's Ridiculous Tips. He just likes saying it out loud.

Oct 05 11 - 6:06pm
bernie

He should really pick on a school that is actually academically inferior compared to other schools. The University of Guelph is a good school, and I don't even go there.

Oct 14 11 - 10:20am
Noumenon

That's actually the only good thing about it.

Oct 05 11 - 3:17pm
mp

I half agree on corner sitting on a first date--too intimate! But, there is *nothing* wrong with doing so when both parties are happy to--servers really shouldn't care (I certainly never did).

Oct 05 11 - 4:16pm
thinkywritey

As a woman, I prefer the corner-sitting technique. Not same side of booth on the first date, say, but if it's a four-top, yes, sit to my hand, not across to me. Otherwise, I feel like I'm being interviewed.

Oct 05 11 - 3:42pm
Dea

This was one of the best "Ridiculous Tips" written in a while. Maybe seltzer water and silent Glee help?

Oct 05 11 - 4:49pm
nope

"Hey, let's talk about your rapidly deflating junk. Is it a mom thing? Or are you just worried I'll think it's small?"
Funniest thing I've read on Nerve in a month.

Oct 05 11 - 4:53pm
Gee

Why should anyone decide "don't talk to us about feminism, Cosmo. You haven't earned it."? That is being exclusive. While we are at it, why should a MAN decide what feminism is? If we are going to decide who can or cannot be feminists, why don't we just start the cuts now!

Oct 05 11 - 6:32pm
86

who said he decided what feminism is? and why can't a MAN be a feminist? i think if we're cuttin' anyone, Gee should be cut.

Oct 06 11 - 1:50am
Betsey

@Gee - Uhhhhh....because Cosmo isn't exactly on the forefront of feminism, if you haven't noticed. Men can also be feminists. A man didn't "decide" what feminism is, he's just commenting on it.

Oct 05 11 - 6:00pm
KS

"since there are two girls involved, they're more than happy to have a big talk about it right then and there." Actually, this is one of the best things about being a gay man. Since there are zero girls involved, we talk about our feelings about once a year, mostly to make sure everything is still cool.

Oct 06 11 - 12:48am
Name

hahahahahahhahah

Oct 05 11 - 6:31pm
Weary

Cosmopolitan is the worst magazine of all-time. It's been the worst magazine of all-time since the 1960s. God forbid it should just suggest that men and women be honest and open with each other.

Oct 05 11 - 9:08pm
dj

"don't talk to us about feminism, Cosmo. You haven't earned it".

Funny, Cosmo got its start as a "feminist" mag back in the 1920's. Way before feminist got all self righteous about who can/can’t be a feminist.

Oct 05 11 - 9:16pm
Wait Five Minutes

It was never feminist. It was pre-feminist, then it was non-feminist, in some ways anti-feminist.

Oct 05 11 - 10:14pm
Dani

I agree with MH about the kissing, but adore this: "Women. They hate thinking. They just wanna sex on you."

Oct 14 11 - 10:27pm
DirtyTrashyHot

I read that line and laughed my ass off. My fiance thought I had lost it.

Oct 06 11 - 1:59am
The Nerd

My first kiss, the guy went in for the kiss without asking. I forcefully separated his face from mine with the palm of my hand. ASK, or that could be you.

Oct 06 11 - 8:14am
Matt

If you have to ask, then it will never happen.

Oct 06 11 - 1:26pm
Laura

This was fucking hilarious. Thank you.

Oct 06 11 - 3:32pm
AlanK

The "squeeze forcefully" technique is right out of Masters and Johnson and is standard sex-counseling advice. Asking permission beforehand (you should pardon the expression) is probably a good idea, but just because you find it silly doesn't mean it's wrong.

Oct 08 11 - 1:50am
oops

"Forceful squeeze? Is that like how you check a tomato for ripeness, or how you decapitate a dove?"

Love.

Oct 26 11 - 1:16am
Agree...

Love!

Oct 08 11 - 3:54am
Harley Quinn

Is every issue of Cosmo like that? I've never read it and now I may know why!

Oct 10 11 - 12:47am
jill

Good lord, Ben, you (and your co-writing sex computer) are so on it this month!
btw,I am holding in my hands this very second the October 1965 issue of Good Housekeeping and the article "120 Ways to Please a Man." Not a one discusses violent penis squeezing, but they are just as off base as modern man-pleasin' tips. Number 82, for example, says, "When you're planning to buy a new appliance, make a point of talking it over. Not only is it his money and his house, but he may have some excellent suggestions to make."
Yes, can you imagine this lucky sonovabitch bragging at the club about his lady who consults him on appliance purchases? Oh yeah, baby.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

Oct 10 11 - 7:06pm
cc_7

So the men at Maxim know that lesbians are more than happy to stop sex for a big talk about feelings and the male author assures us that this is 100% true because "Lesbians do this all the time." Pretty hard to believe that all of these men know what lesbians do in the middle of sex.

Nov 21 11 - 3:30am
Marni

Great stuff, you hepled me out so much!

Nov 21 11 - 2:21pm
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Nov 23 11 - 5:21am
Suzyn

Boy that raelly helps me the heck out.

Nov 24 11 - 5:55am
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Jan 14 12 - 6:45pm
jenipede

"Women. They hate thinking. They just wanna sex on you."

yessssss!

Jun 19 12 - 12:52pm
KT, 21

'your bootylicious vajazzled vajayjay deserves better' hahahaha