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Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: October 2011
Cosmo, Men's Health, and Maxim on lesbians, talking penises, and — strangely — feminism.
By Ben Reininga
Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.
October. The leaves are falling. A crisp chill is in the air. Foot-long slabs of sandwich are available for only five dollars. Even better, sex is free. It does, however, remain complicated — which is why we turn to the print industry, to teach us how to do it right.
Cosmo's big sex feature this month is called "50 Things You Should Never Stop Doing in a Relationship."
Double negatives can work against you. Or, should I say, double negatives can't always not work against you. Grammatical wisdom aside, I bring it up for a reason: you could misread that title, if you were skimming through Cosmo while awaiting the dentist (or, say, while you sitting alone drinking seltzer water and watching Glee on mute trying to finish a goddamn article for the internet).
"50 Things You Should Never Stop Doing in a Relationship"
• "Swiping on some lip gloss even if you two are just running Sunday errands. We're not clutching our pearls and insisting you do up your whole face, but a little touch-up isn't exactly going to set back the whole feminist movement or anything."
There's nothing wrong with lip gloss on Sundays, if makes you feel pretty, or you like the taste of Raspberry Sex Explosion. But don't talk to us about feminism, Cosmo. You haven't earned it.
• "Screening his call and waiting ten minutes before returning it. Then be all mysterious about where you were when he asks why you didn't pick up."
Games and lies! Lies and games! Every time you write something like this, another bro-com starring Seann William Scott called Bitches Be Crazy gets the green-light.
• "Occasionally packing your weekend schedule with all sorts of activities that don't include him so he has (almost too much) room to breathe."
Also, don't introduce him to your parents, get comfortable around him, move in with him, or marry him. The spark will die and then so will you. Alone. Also, you can only have sex every third date.
• "Withholding your girl drama from him. Someone is not interested in the fact that Jill had the audacity to wear a cream-colored dress to Jen's wedding."
Listen to yourself, Cosmo. You don't care about Jill's dress either. Let it go.
• "Flirting with the cute waiter or bartender so he never forgets just how freaking doable you are."
Let's leave "freaking doable" alone, and just say something a little bit serious: if you need to keep your relationship at arm's length, lie and act weird, just so you guys can keep having fun sex, then it's actually not going to work. Your bootylicious vajazzled vajayay deserves better.
In their monthly sex column, Maxim takes on lesbian sex: "Think of them [the lesbians, not Maxim] as an educational tool far more accurate than the 'lesbian' porn on the Internet, full of straight girls fake-orgasming after forty-five seconds." Sounds legit.
• "By the time she finally put her tongue on me, I wanted it so bad I came almost instantly."
But, we do find out some of the positive aspects of lesbian sex: if someone gets insecure during sex, "since there are two girls involved, they're more than happy to have a big talk about it right then and there."
God, such a stereotype, Women always talking about their feelings. (Okay, actually, this is correct. Lesbians do do that a lot. Maxim: one. Me: still a bazillion).
Even if it's a fantasy of yours, don't assume all lesbians want to have sex with your girlfriend: "We can tell when the straight ones walk into a room... But if your lady wants to hop the fence for the night, there are always other straight girls there she can go home with."
And this is where the lesbian article ends. With the message that lesbians don't want to have sex with your straight girlfriend — but straight women do? Apparently porn is right after all...