Women's Health Magazine

This month's newcomer, WHM, caught my eye with an article called "The Package Deal: What every penis wishes you knew." The premise of the article intrigued me. What's better than pretending penises can talk? (Okay, I know the answer: pretending penises can talk when they're wearing an oddly small pair of sunglasses that for some weird reason you own and keep by the bed.)

• "Listen to what the male penis would say if it could speak up for its owner."

Google's best guess for "the male penis? seriously?" is "written by sex computer."

• "If you sense he's tensing up, encourage your guy to stop what he's doing and tell you about whatever anxiety he's feeling. It happens to all men, and your acceptance is going to mean a lot to him. Ninety-nine percent of the time, candor will improve the situation by defusing stress."

What are you, a lesbian? That's terrible advice. There is no percent of the time that, if you sense someone's boner is fading, stopping and saying "Hey, let's talk about your rapidly deflating junk. Is it a mom thing? Or are you just worried I'll think it's small?" is going to help. If there was a ever a time a for a "no big deal" and some low-key cuddling, that's it.

• "When it comes to penis superpotency, hot is better than cold."

Sex-computer speak wisdom. Cold penis = frowny face. Also, superpotency!

• "When your guy feels he is close to ejaculation, he should withdraw. Then — and here's where you get involved — grip his penis just below the head with your thumb and forefinger, and squeeze forcefully. This will delay his urge to ejaculate. The amount of pressure needed varies among men, but don't be afraid to give him a good grab — his erect penis can take it."

Okay, two things. Forceful squeeze? Is that like how you check a tomato for ripeness, or how you decapitate a dove? Also, arguably, there are a lot of unpleasant things you could do to a guy to delay his ejaculation ("Have naughty sex in the driveway. If he starts getting close, slam his fingers in the car door!") but some part of me (hint: it's the penis part) wonders if that's the right tack.

Men's Health Magazine

"Nine Tricks to Confidently Pick Up Any Woman"

I chose this article because it was the name of my favorite class in dance camp, right after Advanced Lunging. Also, because I've gone from seltzer water to whiskey and from Glee with sound off to The Sing Off with the sound on. We need to bed this beast.

• "Women want a man with steel balls," says R. Don Steele, without a hint of irony in his voice. "This desire is evolutionary. Females want someone who's not going to run from a fight, a man who is confident in his ability to provide and protect."

The last thing I read about the evolution of sex (Sex At Dawn) suggested that the whole "men just evolved to throw spears and fuck, don't ask anything more of them" line of sex advice was unfounded. But even at best, that line of reasoning is simplistic pop-psychology that would have us all acting like the leads in an '80s action movie. This jerk-off probably got his degree at the University of Guelph.

• "Emulate the look of a successful public man in your business arena."

This will keep her from knowing how you actually dress for as long as possible.

• When a woman gives you her phone number, "manage the cold call as you would a business call... If you fail, move on. It's not about personal rejection — it's the business of making stuff work."

This is like the time someone broke up with me and said, "Don't take it personally." As in, "I am no longer in interested, pleased, or charmed by you, person in front of me. But don't take it personally." I'm not going to feel better about being rejected because you also think I'm too dumb to understand my mother tongue.

• "Knowledge breeds confidence. Do you know where to sit during a dinner date? Always position yourself at a 90-degree angle to her instead of straight on... If she sits at the end of the table, sit in the first seat to her left."

This might be good advice if you live in Bruce Wayne's mansion. If not, it's stupid. Because you'll be totally invading her bubble, and there's going to all sorts of strange leg-intermingling and knee bumping. Also because it feels weird to have someone staring at the side of your face. And finally, because your waiter will hate you for being "same-side of the table" sitters. Jesus.

• "Kissing someone is an emotional thing, and asking [permission] diverts it into a cognitive realm instead... Women hate that."

Women. They hate thinking. They just wanna sex on you.

And that my friends, is the sex advice you've got to hold you over until November — when the apples will be dead, the air will be frozen, and the meatball subs back to an astronomic $6.99 a pop. God, TV shows about choirs really make me gloomy.