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Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: December 2011
Cosmo's advice on what to do with ice-pops, and Maxim on "hate sex."
BY BEN REININGA
Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.
It's December, friends, and that means this prodigal son is making a pilgrimage home, courtesy of the American aviation industry. This month's Ridiculous Tips is an official member of the mile-high club.
Before we should get started, I'd like to take a moment to dedicate this column to Doug, my seatmate, a sturdy Midwestern chap whose stoic willingness to hold my whiskey while I highlight passages from Cosmopolitan and giggle to myself has made this entire endeavor possible. A special mention also belongs to Dan the flight attendant, for being so liberal with said whiskey.
The new year is upon us — but not much has changed. The men's and women's magazines of the world are up to their old tricks: lies, tomfoolery, and the criminal abuse of dessert products.
The flagship sex article this month is about kink — or, as Cosmo would have it, "kink-lite" (because, at your cores, you ladies are all sweet pure little virgins who'd never actually do anything "kinky" — not like those nasty boyfriend-stealing beyotches out there). Plus, spelling words out is so totally frust.
"Kinky-lite sex moves guys love"
"Trying a naughty new technique on your man can be tricky — uh, did he just make an O face or an OMG, WTF face?... To help you hit the sweet spot, we surveyed men online to get their take on a ton of naughty moves."
Nothing says "trustworthy" like "online survey." I wouldn't trust an online survey tell me what Harry Potter house I'm in (Hufflepuff, my ass), let alone determine what an over-eager young woman is going to do to my genitalia. These tips — fifty in all — range from difficult to unappealing to just plain ill-advised. We'll do them in order:
"Pull off his boxer briefs with your teeth."
This "kinky trick" isn't very kinky. It is, however, very difficult. Have you ever tried to take off boxer briefs with your teeth? You've kind of got to start gnawing at the elastic band up by the hipbone, and there's nowhere good for your nose to go, unless you start from the bottom of the brief, but I've always found that looks a little too canine to be sexy.
"Put on his favorite porn, and act out the sex scenes as they're happening."
A wise man once said: "Civilization is the ability to distinguish what you like from what you like in pornography." Ponder that as you're getting piston-fucked for seventeen minutes on a Motel 6 bedspread.
"Trace the outline of his nipples with Durex Play Quiver lube ice cubes, and then have him trace the outside of your labia with it. Keep switching back and forth until it fully melts."
...at which point you'll be covered in lube, and a little chilly. But the real downside of this tip is that you have to keep a ice tray designated for lubesicles in your freezer for when the moment strikes. Call me crazy, but sex shouldn't involve so much X-rated home-ec.
A good number of Cosmo articles have a "This one time, at band camp" feel — where the banal and the very serious are bizarrely juxtaposed. Case in point: two items previous is "Surprise him in the shower" and give him a blowjob quietly. That's not kinky. That's a a funny thing to do before brunch the first time you visit your new boyfriend's parents. Then we hit this, the proverbial "flute in my pussy" moment:
"Hand him an ice pop, and tell him to use it on your body, licking off the remnants afterward. Then slip a condom on it (so you don't get yeast infection), and have him slide it in and out of you."
Putting a condom on a rapidly melting ice-pop (with a wooden stick in it!) and sliding it in and out of yourself isn't "kinky-lite." It's old-school bananas. (Speaking of bananas, there is only one food product that should ever have a condom put on it.) And yes — stupid — you will get a yeast infection. A blue-raspberry yeast infection. Crush that on your coffee table and snort it, dummies.
"20 Sensual Things to Do in the Tub"
After the above, you might find yourself in need of a little decompressing. Or just a good way to warm your vagina back up. And you're in luck!
"Sink under water so only your face is above. According to doctors, warm water dilates the capillaries in your body, increasing the flow of oxygen to your cells and making you feel calm."
"Strategically place some suds and snap a birds-eye-view pic to send to your guy."
"Make the water exactly 99 degrees — you can check it with a thermometer. Doctors say that's the perfect temperature to get you totally relaxed."
First off, scientists don't need to tell you how warm your bath should be. Secondly, the whole point of relaxing is not measuring the temperature of the bathtub or making sexy pictures for someone else. But thirdly, this whole genre of articles make me want to die.
I might be over-reacting (I'm a little crabby — Doug is hogging the shit out of the center armrest) but every time I read a women's magazine or turn on the TV, I get stuff along the lines of "Ladies, do something sinfully, wickedly indulgent. Eat a little piece of chocolate. Take a bath. Marinate yourself in herbal lotions. Spritz yourself with cucumber water." (Ladies, say it with me: "I am not a Christmas ham or misbehaving cat.")
It's depressing — why the fuck are you so anxious and guilty about relaxing that you need permission and instructions from Cosmo to do it? Could it be because you read a magazine that publishes a section of user-submitted photos of "sleazy, gross, and strange" women that readers have spotted? (Yes, Cosmo really does that.) Or is it because evidently you're some sort of failure if you can't pull boxers off with your teeth like a goddamn circus seal?