Maxim

Maxim, on the other hand, kicks things off with positivity — a year-long guide to having a relationship.

"Sex Tips for Couples"

"Girlfriends come with a built-in sex guarantee, but what's not guaranteed is whether she'll want to do it as frequently or with the same fire (read: ass-slammed on tequila and Percocet) as you. Here's how to navigate the highs, the lows, and the middles of you and your girl's first year of getting it on."

A few thoughts: the whole "factory-warranty" language is a little rude. Not strikingly rude — just par-for-the-course Maxim rude. But still rude enough to make me wonder if any man who takes this advice could ever actually have a girlfriend.

Also, is Percocet on anyone's go-to list for wild sex? It's on my go-to list for "things I am washing down with airline liquor to make the turbulence seem less like impending death and more like a fun bumpy ride," but I think that's apples and oranges. In any case, here is what Maxim has to say about wild sex. (Segue: nailed it.)

"Three weeks: Turn to the Dark Side"

"After a few getting-to-know-you rolls in the hay, you're probably dying to bump things up from PG-13 to an undisclosed number of X's. Try taking it one X at a time by picking a single raunchy move from your arsenal of "sexual eclecticism" and asking her nicely if she'd be up for giving it a go."

Credit where credit is due: this is great advice. A few weeks into a relationship is the perfect time to talk to your partner about your less vanilla sexual interests — and asking (you know, instead of internet polls of strangers) is the best way to figure out how you overlap. The "take things one X at a time" bit is pretty dumb, but hey, figurative language can be hard. Harder than a horny goat... made out of diamonds.

"Three Months: Crash the Pajama Party"

"Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay... when you do them, that is."

Yes, because when she does them, it's a woman doing the work she's goddamn supposed to be doing.

"Six Months: Fight Dirty, Apologize Dirtier"

"Your first real fight comes with a built-in silver lining: steaming-hot make-up sex! The catch: She currently wishes you were trapped inside a vat of steaming-hot garbage juice. Some chicks do get off on despising your guts. Heed Pam, 27: "Am I the only one who likes hate sex? Don't try to talk to me. Just fuck me in anger, please." (And, no, you cannot have Pam's e-mail address.) But most chicks require some slick maneuvering on your part to get from livid to horny. Here's the bad news: Lust means always having to say you're sorry."

This paragraph is remarkable: picking a fight with the hope that it will lead to sex is an awful thing to do. But adding in a little bratty complaining that you'll probably have to apologize (for the fight you picked) — is like fuck-me-with-an-ice-pop bad. And they managed to get it all into one short paragraph that includes a doe-eyed (and surely busty) young lady named Pam just begging you to anger-fuck her (you big bad boy).

The rest of the year is kind of a let down: tell her about the girls (other than her) you find attractive around month nine, and for your anniversary, have sex standing up before going out to dinner (so her hair won't get messed up).

But why look so far ahead? The new year is just dawning and the flight attendant is urging me to return my tray table to its upright and locked position. Enjoy your holidays, everyone, and we'll see you back here in 2012 for some more sexual edification. In the meantime, stay away from the frozen treats.