Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life

This month: Cosmo and Men's Health get fruity.

By Ben Reininga

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the stupidest tips and make fun of them.

Spring is in the air, readers, and you know what that means — 'tis the season to clean out your closet, pack away those woolen sweaters, and lease a brand-new Lexus at zero-percent APR. And of course, to fall back in love. We know that things have been hard, the winter has been long and dark, but now spring has finally sprung. If you two kids are still keeping time, it's time to spice things up.

Luckily, the diligent soldiers at your favorite men's and women's magazines are back this month with scores of elaborate, contrived, and just plain strange maneuverings you can use to invigorate your love life. All you'll need is a well-stocked pantry and some extra clean sheets. And, if we assume that the men who read Men's Health date the women who read Cosmo (and you know we do), it's going to be a mighty messy month.

The Fruits of Love:

Ladies, we know March was rough. He slept with his secretary; you were bummed out. But you did what any Cosmo girl would have and hung-the-fuck on. Now, he's back, and you guys have to work things out. How to proceed? As we all know, "focusing on tackling issues" in your relationship "is fruitless and exhausting." These tips, on the other hand, are jam-packed with nervous energy and absolutely fruit-filled — and that's not a metaphor. For these writers, love has seventy percent of the same ingredients as a Hawaiian fruit cocktail. Courtesy of your favorite mag, here are some "Fun, Easy Ways to Fall More in Love":

"Wear a cinnamony lotion or perfume. The smell of cinnamon buns increases men's blood flow 'down there.'" Good hard science from Cosmo's resident M.D./Cinnabon lobbyist.

"If he helps you paint the bathroom, leave his favorite salty snack in the pantry." This comes under the heading "Really Thank Him," because anything other than Tostitos would only be kinda thanking him. So what if you don't know an allen wrench from a paint-roller, as long as you've got a Costco card and an unflagging desire to please?

"Chew a small piece of mango... then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don't try anything too acidic, as it can burn him." Non-acidic fruit won't burn... but it will probably feel just as cold and pulpy as it sounds.

Season Her Belly with Salt (to Taste)...

Ladies, don't think you're the only ones who get to play green grocer. The menfolk get to have some fruity fun of their own this month with "33 Simple Sex Tips to Turn Her On" from Men's Health. Sticking with the theme, nearly all thirty-three tips involve foodstuffs, and none of them are the least bit simple.

"Chocolate syrup and whipped cream get all the kinky play in movies. Instead, turn her body into a juicer. The best foods for sex are fruits that you can rub onto the body, such as soft mango or papaya." We might be inclined to agree, if we could just make "Turn her body into a juicer" sound a little bit less creepy. The same goes for "Season her belly with salt and then lick it off." It's one part sexy whisked with three parts impractical, and a dash of Hannibal Lecter.

"Forget coffee and toast — bring hot chocolate (a sexual stimulant for her) and raspberries and strawberries to bed. The berries replenish the zinc you lose when you ejaculate." And after you've recharged, we suggest you mash the remaining berries into her breasts. It will drive her wild.