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Ridiculous Tips For A Miserable Sex Life: April

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Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life

This month: Cosmo and Men's Health get fruity.


Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the stupidest tips and make fun of them.

Spring is in the air, readers, and you know what that means — 'tis the season to clean out your closet, pack away those woolen sweaters, and lease a brand-new Lexus at zero-percent APR. And of course, to fall back in love. We know that things have been hard, the winter has been long and dark, but now spring has finally sprung. If you two kids are still keeping time, it's time to spice things up.

Luckily, the diligent soldiers at your favorite men's and women's magazines are back this month with scores of elaborate, contrived, and just plain strange maneuverings you can use to invigorate your love life. All you'll need is a well-stocked pantry and some extra clean sheets. And, if we assume that the men who read Men's Health date the women who read Cosmo (and you know we do), it's going to be a mighty messy month.

The Fruits of Love:

Ladies, we know March was rough. He slept with his secretary; you were bummed out. But you did what any Cosmo girl would have and hung-the-fuck on. Now, he's back, and you guys have to work things out. How to proceed? As we all know, "focusing on tackling issues" in your relationship "is fruitless and exhausting." These tips, on the other hand, are jam-packed with nervous energy and absolutely fruit-filled — and that's not a metaphor. For these writers, love has seventy percent of the same ingredients as a Hawaiian fruit cocktail. Courtesy of your favorite mag, here are some "Fun, Easy Ways to Fall More in Love":

"Wear a cinnamony lotion or perfume. The smell of cinnamon buns increases men's blood flow 'down there.'" Good hard science from Cosmo's resident M.D./Cinnabon lobbyist.

As we all know, "focusing on tackling issues" in your relationship "is fruitless and exhausting."

"If he helps you paint the bathroom, leave his favorite salty snack in the pantry." This comes under the heading "Really Thank Him," because anything other than Tostitos would only be kinda thanking him. So what if you don't know an allen wrench from a paint-roller, as long as you've got a Costco card and an unflagging desire to please?

"Chew a small piece of mango… then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don't try anything too acidic, as it can burn him." Non-acidic fruit won't burn… but it will probably feel just as cold and pulpy as it sounds.

Season Her Belly with Salt (to Taste)…

Ladies, don't think you're the only ones who get to play green grocer. The menfolk get to have some fruity fun of their own this month with "33 Simple Sex Tips to Turn Her On" from Men's Health. Sticking with the theme, nearly all thirty-three tips involve foodstuffs, and none of them are the least bit simple.

"Chocolate syrup and whipped cream get all the kinky play in movies. Instead, turn her body into a juicer. The best foods for sex are fruits that you can rub onto the body, such as soft mango or papaya." We might be inclined to agree, if we could just make "Turn her body into a juicer" sound a little bit less creepy. The same goes for "Season her belly with salt and then lick it off." It's one part sexy whisked with three parts impractical, and a dash of Hannibal Lecter.

"Forget coffee and toast — bring hot chocolate (a sexual stimulant for her) and raspberries and strawberries to bed. The berries replenish the zinc you lose when you ejaculate." And after you've recharged, we suggest you mash the remaining berries into her breasts. It will drive her wild.

 


Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: March Edition – Maxim and Cosmo on cheating.
Miss Information – Can I pursue a relationship with someone I only know through work?
Sex Advice From Strippers

The Art of Surprise

Now, if somehow you and your lover end up banned from the neighborhood Whole Foods, or just get sick of cleaning pudding off the bed frame, all is not lost. Your favorite gender-mags contain a whole host of other tips you can use to shake things up. There are far too many to enumerate them all, but here are some gems: 

"34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door." The other two thirds might think it's alarmingly compulsive, but we think that's a chance worth taking. Go on, "ambush him." If he freaks out, at least you've got those salty snacks on hand.

For you girls too shy for the stealth hummer, you can still just mutely grab his junk.

"Slide your hands down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he's had a hellish day… He really doesn't want to answer questions like, 'Are you okay?'… but your caress still sends the message that you're picking up his vibe." Translation: for you girls too shy for the stealth hummer, you can still just mutely grab his junk. It's a guaranteed way to feel like a sexbot without having to kneel on the kitchen floor.

Boys shouldn't discount the art of surprise either. From the good folks over at Maxim, we learn that "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking." Now, that's a statistic with an encouraging subtext if we've ever seen one: a whopping one in five women don't care if you "attempt anal sex" without asking. Hell, they might even like it! The article doesn't specify if this "surprise" is only welcome mid-intercourse, or if crowded elevators and ATM lines are also fair game, but we suggest you go for it.

Basically, this April, your love life is going to be like a make-your-own-smoothie booth at summer camp — nonsensical, laborious, and very messy. We're pretty certain that there aren't enough nights in the month for you to wear out all these zany tips, but, if you find yourself in a rut of fruitless sex, chin up. May is just around the corner.


Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: March Edition – Maxim and Cosmo on cheating.
Miss Information – Can I pursue a relationship with someone I only know through work?
Sex Advice From Strippers