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Ridiculous Tips For a Miserable Sex Life: April 2011

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Ridiculous Tips For a Miserable Sex Life: April 2011

Cosmopolitan and Men's Health mix up a flavored-lube cocktail.

Each month, like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

Cosmopolitan

"Slippery Tricks You'll Both Be Into"

So, flavored lube is gross. To wit: once, I was flying back from China just after the TSA had imposed the "no liquid" ban. The scanner found a "sample pack" of flavored lube in my backpack — given to me by a free clinic ages ago and long forgotten about. I'd been chatting — showing off my newly polished Chinese — with one of the agents. She pulled a handful of lube packs out of my bag, and asked amicably "What's this?" As I tried to remember the word for "Piña Colada-flavored sample lube packets," she squeezed, a bit too hard, and a fruit salad of lube poured out all over her hands. I'll never forget the look in her eyes.

Anyway, there are only two explanations for this feature: Cosmo got a boatload of money from the lube lobby, or… yeah, I don't know. Probably the first. Here's what they suggest you do: 

  • "Get a soft-haired paintbrush and 'paint' him with lube. He'll be dying by the time you're done."

There is nothing metaphorical about the use of the word paint here. I'm pretty sure they literally mean "rub it all over his body with a paintbrush." Unless they don't, which would explain the quotation marks and be a lot less gross.

  • "Mix a few flavors to create new combos, like strawberry-banana."

This is a really important advance in the sexual sciences. For years, men and women have been been inexplicably interested in basting their loins with tropical fruit, and yet disappointed that it did not taste disgusting enough. So-luuuuu-tion.

  • "One thing silicone types are perfect for: shower sex (they don't rinse off the way natural lubricants and water-based varieties do). So keep a bottle next to your shampoo for spur-of-the-moment ideas."

This is a first. A professional sex educator actually wrote to me this month to make sure I included this warning: having sex in the shower is not a good idea, unless you're looking for ways to risk penis breakage while wasting a natural resource. (In which case, leave your car idling in the driveway and then go inside and have sex on rollerskates.) Also, keeping lube next to the shampoo might be a little unwise for those of us who hop into the shower first thing without our contacts in.

  • "Use silicone-based lube to give each other pre-nooky rubdowns."

Then, presumably, hop into the shower for some pre-nooky rinsing? Just be careful which bottle you grab.

"Go Ahead, Check Yourself Out"

Now, I'm all for ego-boosting. Ladies of the world, feel good about yourselves. But this is just kooky: a handful of super specific times when you should drop everything and go look in the mirror, just to enjoy your hotness. Running off to find mirrors at odd moments might pump your self-esteem, sure. It might also help you lose friends and alienate people.

  • "At Happy Hour With Your Girls"

No, they don't mean your breasts, they mean your friends. After having a drink, they suggest you run to the bathroom and check yourself out. Which may finally explain why the line to the women's bathroom is always so long.

  • "When Tackling A Crossword Puzzle"

I'd just like to say, if you can look at yourself in the mirror while you're solving a crossword puzzle, your ego should need no help. You are a super-genius.

  • "After Eating Your Veggies"

That's right: "Munch on an extra handful or two of carrots and tomatoes, and then pose naked in front of your full-length mirror." Pro tip: if you eat a handful of tomatoes while you're looking in the mirror, you can look hot and pretend you're a vampire.

Men's Health Magazine

MHM almost got a pass this month. Their print magazine was almost entirely devoid of sexy shenanigans. But, as it always does, the internet came to the rescue. It turns out that Men's Health Magazine online is jam-packed with silly shit. In no particular order:

From "Read Her Body Language"

  • "Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren't. Aside from the obvious, what does that mean for you? Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws."

There is nothing that women hate more than being asked if they're taking birth control. There is also nothing creepy about sitting at the bar with a stopwatch and a pen and counting the number of times a woman blinks. Especially while you are giving her a "tough mug."

On giving head:

  • "This is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman. Ali stood there for seven rounds before springing to life and sending the tired Foreman to the mat. When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali… Hit her with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes on her clitoris. Then… Return to slow, easy strokes… Repeat until she's out cold."

The gist of this might be pretty accurate, but the spirit seems a bit off. I can't think of a single woman who'd be excited to have her vagina compared to George Foreman — the boxer or the sandwich press.

On love:

  • "Nonsexual touch is a potent, underused endorsement of another soul. As you're heading out the door, give her upper arm a quick, affectionate double squeeze. As you're walking into a party or to your table, put a guiding hand, lightly but surely, on her lower back. Some nothing-special Tuesday night while she's standing at the sink doing the dishes, come up behind her and give her a kiss on the back of her head. It should be more than a peck — make it last 1.4 seconds."

Remember: 1.4 seconds. Not 1.6. That would be terrible.