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April 29, 2011
Men's Health Magazine
MHM almost got a pass this month. Their print magazine was almost entirely devoid of sexy shenanigans. But, as it always does, the internet came to the rescue. It turns out that Men's Health Magazine online is jam-packed with silly shit. In no particular order:
From "Read Her Body Language"
- "Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren't. Aside from the obvious, what does that mean for you? Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws."
There is nothing that women hate more than being asked if they're taking birth control. There is also nothing creepy about sitting at the bar with a stopwatch and a pen and counting the number of times a woman blinks. Especially while you are giving her a "tough mug."
On giving head:
- "This is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman. Ali stood there for seven rounds before springing to life and sending the tired Foreman to the mat. When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali... Hit her with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes on her clitoris. Then... Return to slow, easy strokes... Repeat until she's out cold."
The gist of this might be pretty accurate, but the spirit seems a bit off. I can't think of a single woman who'd be excited to have her vagina compared to George Foreman — the boxer or the sandwich press.
On love:
- "Nonsexual touch is a potent, underused endorsement of another soul. As you're heading out the door, give her upper arm a quick, affectionate double squeeze. As you're walking into a party or to your table, put a guiding hand, lightly but surely, on her lower back. Some nothing-special Tuesday night while she's standing at the sink doing the dishes, come up behind her and give her a kiss on the back of her head. It should be more than a peck — make it last 1.4 seconds."
Remember: 1.4 seconds. Not 1.6. That would be terrible.
Commentarium (52 Comments)
I like how MHM assumes that women are the ones who wash dishes ... because of course they do.
Don't be sexist, Betty. Women are capable of far more than just washing dishes, you chauvinistic monster.
Betty, it's 2011.
yes, the article does say "some nothing-special **Tuesday** night," so maybe they assume that tuesdays are the only day that women do dishes now...
Ehm, Betty was being sarcastic...
So were they moron
MHM - that advice sucks...
/sarcasm
Remember to do this!
No, I was being sexist. Bitches belong in the kitchen.
/notsarcasm.
That's why they don't own umbrellas (doesn't rain between there and the bedroom).
Maybe she's blinking lots because she has Tourette's or allergies and MAYBE SHE"S REALLY SENSITIVE ABOUT IT OK!
Cosmopolitan has been misinforming people for 60 years
My mouse thanks you for going back to the old format!
That tomato vampire thing actually sounds pretty hot! If I could keep from bursting into laughter, anyway.
Can I just point out here that a tomato is a fruit?
Actually, no
In Nix v. Hedden the US supreme court declared tomatoes vegetables.
Actually, they declared them vegetables only for tax purposes. Botanically, the court recognized that they were fruits
Like the format change!
Agreed!
I really appreciate your listening to feedback, much better format now.
This was a hilarious read as ever, thank you.
But shower sex is so much fun! Maybe suggest to use a chair to reduce the risk of slipping?
I also object to an article that objects to shower sex
The vagina/sandwich toaster comparison isn't that bad. Hot, tight and should be cleaned regularly to avoid caked on cheese
Ha!
I think im going to make a grilled cheese tonight now...
nice! you got me too!
I actually think the last piece of Men's Health advice is solid, but watch out dudes, I will be timing and will get supremely angry if you don't kiss my head for exactly 1.4 seconds! Seriously though, non-overtly sexual touch is underrated. Do it when you ARE getting sexy too - so many times, guys just go for the obvious erotic zones, but being aroused heightens sensation all over the body so that even a hand gliding over the back or kiss on the shoulder feels great (and helps get the blood flowing during foreplay).
And as several others have mentioned, thank you for the format improvement - much better!
Besides the sports analogies from MHM, their advice is actually about sex/real relationships. Not the idea of sex.
Cosmo has the most laughable sex advice. Oh yah, what dude is gonna go bonkers for flavored body lube on himself...? Guys are super easy to please. Perform some oral sex. Act like you like doing it. Swallowing is usually preferred, but not for the reasons you think. A lot of it is psychological... As well.
I know! I don't mind swallowing but for a guy is not only about his pleasure but something else, as you mention, psychological. Is it about power or what?
i think it's more about not having to clean up.
If you keep him in the back of your throat while he comes, you can pretty much avoid getting it on your tongue. Not completely, but it's better than swishing that shit around in your mouth trying to spit it out.
Oral sex isn't about power, it isn't about some "issues". It IS about the fact that if done right it is about the easiest, and pleasurable way for a guy to get off. I'm not knocking the intense pleasure that comes with a good fucking. But let's face it, that involves labor. I said EASIEST, remember.
That said, I personally like nothing more than rousing sweat dripping workout with a female, especially one that I have deep feelings for. Not much of a one night stand guy.
Giving a blowjob takes about as much effort as sex does, so I don't see how it's any easier?
I think he means it's easier for guys - as in, men don't like blow jobs because of power, they like it because it gives them immense pleasure without them having to exert energy. They get to be lazy and take a break for once. (I would also argue: a tongue is a lot more versatile than a vagina..)
Working in a sex shop, I'm never entirely sure what to tell people about lube and shower sex. I mean, yes, silicone lube is great for shower sex, because it's waterproof and won't rinse off. Also, silicone lube is terrible for shower sex, because it's waterproof and won't rinse off. So you'll stay lubricated, and so will anything you try to hold onto.
MHM's first piece of advice is not only creepy, but also completely wrong. Women who are on birth control are NOT more attracted to rugged men, evolutionarily speaking.
If a woman were not on the pill, and is ovulating, THEN she would be more attracted to macho men. This is because the "strong jaw-ed" type evolutionarily indicates good, strong genes and a high chance of virile sperm.
When a woman becomes pregnant, her hormones change and she becomes more attracted to effeminate men. This is because men who are slightly effeminate have a higher likelihood of sticking around to help raise the kid. Which is of the good, also evolutionarily.
Therefore, since the pill tricks a woman's body and hormones into thinking she's pregnant, a woman on the pill is more attracted to effeminate, sensitive types of men.
The prevalence of birth control is a good reason why prettier men like the Orlando Bloom's or Zac Efron's of the world are the overreaching sex symbols lately, instead of the Paul Newman's and Marlon Brando's of earlier years.
Hmmm. Very Interesting.
The 'professional sex educator' is wrong.
Thanks for going back to a reasonable format!
You've hit the ball out the park! Increidble!
They also failed to mention that many women who are on the pill have severely decreased libidos.
I thought this was a very interesting post thanks for writing it!
Thank you very much for that great article
O6ir7v Strange but true. Your resource is expensive. At least it could be sold for good money on its auction...
VuiLbP The text is promising, will place the site to my favorites!!!
It's pleasant sitting at work to distract from it�to relax and read the information written here:)))
Not bad post, but a lot of extra ....
Interesting. We are waiting for new messages on the same topic...
I do`t see a feedback or the other coordinates from the blog administration...
Honestly, not bad news...
Author, keep doing in the same way!!!
It is the second entry I read tonight. Thank you.