Advice

Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: April 2012

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This month, the new Cosmo for Guys app and Ben’s genius pitch for a new Cosmo column.

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

This month, I’m pleased to introduce some sexy new elements to this esteemed space — the stodgy ol’ print industry has gone hip on us!  Not only has Cosmo launched a men’s publication, but it’s iPad exclusive! We’re going mobile, friends. Hitting the road. And then hitting a tree when we cruise off the road during the middle of some poorly planned road-head. 

CFG: COSMO FOR GUYS (The App)

To be fair, I’ve known about it for months, but it’s been harder than I anticipated to find someone who A) had an iPad with the Cosmo For Guys app downloaded and paid for and B) owed me a favor. Fortunately, Goldman-Sachs’ Spring Fling (this year’s theme: “A Night We All Forgot”) was last week (Thanks Troy! And don’t worry — I’ll never tell!), so I finally got to experience this innovative marvel for myself. And let me tell you, modern technology is amazing. Instead of insipid sex advice laid out ‘graph by ‘graph on a page, as in the days of our poor monkey ancestors, we now have the exact same advice hidden in graphics and revealed via an elaborate system of tapping, sliding, and spinning. The future! 

 

“How to Compliment a Naked Woman”

This is a feature in which you get to prod different parts of a sexy lady, and are rewarded with suggested compliments: 

She’s heard "Nice ass" before so you’ll have to take it up a notch to make her feel like the hottest girl you’ve ever laid eyes on.

And then you tap her butt, and learn to say things like: 

Your ass is so f-in hot. I just want to bite it. 

Or her breasts: 

Wow, you’ve got awesome breasts.

Or even her face: 

Your eye color is so gorgeous. You have the longest lashes.

Now, I could nitpick: is “I want to bite your ass” really a big step up from “Nice ass” if your criterion is classiness? Does “Your eye color is so gorgeous” sound a little it-rubs-the-lotion-on-its-skin? Is, “Wow, you’ve got awesome breasts…" well, actually, I think that one’s great. Which is probably because it sounds like the only one I’d ever say — the part of me that expresses erotic appreciation is stuck in ‘90s California. (“Dude! That felt radical!”) 

But all that’s the besides the point, because poking, prodding and spinning a scantily clad woman on a device connected to the internet (and therefore all the porn) feels like too much work for not enough naked.  

“4 Times It Pays To Be Jealous” 

When the green-eyed monster rears his ugly head, your instinct is to beat it back with a stick. But hold up. In some scenarios, your feelings may be legit.

Cosmo for both genders is big on this “x number of times it’s good to do a bad thing.” For example ”11 Times You Ought to Lie” or like, “4 Times She Has it Coming.” Here are two times CFG thinks you should be very jealous. 

“Her new work buddy is a flirt… and a dead ringer for Ryan Reynolds — definitely jealous.”

Obviously you can’t ban her from dealing with this dude , but you can say this: “Watch out for [insert d-bag’s name here]: it seems he’s noticing how awesome you are, and I can’t blame him for being interested.”

Really, though, how much does it suck that you can’t ban her from seeing him? Or from having a job. Feminists. Amirite, guys?

She consistently won’t tell you who she’s texting” — correct answer: flipping your sh*t.

Now, privacy is important, but this is shady, and you need to call her out. Tell her, “When you hide it, I think something’s going on.” Then say, “I hate to be in this situation, but I want you to show me who you’re texting.” If nothing is really up, she’ll hand it over.

Or, try my preferred method:  Shout “Is that RyGos performing CPR on a baby?” and then just snatch the phone right out of her hand. If it turns out she’s not in medias sexting, it’s further proof that she’s cheating — how else did she learn to be so sneaky about it? 

Cosmopolitan

On the lady side of things, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: the Sex Issue! Which is the only issue they have a special designation for, and it comes every two months, but still, the wait is excruciating.

The biggest teaser on the cover is “Feel Great Naked” (which reminds me of a concept for a Food Network show I once had about making pizza, Phil Grates… Naked). But now! It’s a  contrived way of making dieting sexy — by adding nakedness!

“9 Foods That Melt Away Flab!”

Depriving yourself to drop pounds sucks, not to mention that it never works. What does: Downing these satisfying superfoods that give your metabolism a kick so you actually burn fat while you eat. 

Eggs: Vitamin B12 in the yolk helps your body torch fat. Plus, they are superfilling and stave off binges.

Peanut Butter: Creamy or chunky, it’s a source of magnesium, which powers cells to metabolize energy efficiently.

Sirloin Burger: Made with 90 percent lean beef, it’s like pure protein, which takes more energy to digest than fat or carbs.

And etc. I’ll be generous and say there are two ways to read this. There’s definitely something refreshing about an article in a lady magazine that talks about eating real food instead of the usual “For a slutty snack you’ll love (you big whore), take half a grape and layer it between two low-sodium whole-wheat crackers. (To really be a homewrecking strumpet, smear a pinky-nail’s worth of mustard on one cracker first.)”

But there’s also something sinister about an article like this illustrated by a perfect young lady who’s eating an avocado and like, getting thinner by the minute! Because not only is it a lie — that woman clearly has no idea how to eat an avocado; she’s taken the skin off and is holding it with both hands like a goddamn harmonica — it’s a lie that could make you crazy. All those incendiary verbs — “torch” fat, “burn” calories, “fire up” your body’s engine — hide the fact that it’s not fucking true: eating doesn’t burn fat, any more than buying bourbon in bulk makes me have more money.

On a side note, you know how the best way to seem like a hot mess is to say “Com-fort food?” with your mouth really full while pretending to cry? That might have just been overtaken by “This egg is super-filling; it’s totally helping me stave off binges.”

“99 Naughty Sex Questions (Answered in 20 Words or Less)”

When looking for wicked advice, sometimes you just want a quickie response…

Is there a good way to switch positions while keeping him inside me?

Do it slowly. If he clenches his butt cheeks during the transition, that may also help.

I don’t really understand the logic behind this tip, but the second sentence is an absolute gem. Who amongst us does not clench his butt cheeks during times of transition?

What are some things I can do to his testicles that will get him hot? 

Lick them in a figure eight with your tongue…

That seems like showboating, but I guess we should all be glad they retired that “Volley his penis back and forth like a tennis ball” variant. I didn’t like that one.

“How do I get my guy to talk less in bed?” 

“Gently tie one of your scarves around his mouth…”

That’s certainly one way to do it. 

“What’s one hot new foreplay trick I can try?” 

“Take hold of his penis and tease yourself with it.”

[Kathleen grabs penis, adopts gruff pirate voice] “Arr there, Kathy, are you gonna blow me or just twiddle yer thumbs, ye yellow-bellied marlin?” 

I love how they call these “quickies,” since that’s a word with sexy connotations, so it totally lets you off the hook for lazy writing. This opens up so many possibilities! I’m pitching this to Cosmo for next month’s column: 

“99 Sex Questions, Answered Doggy-Style”

Q: Dear Cosmo, I was staying with my boyfriend at his parents’ house and I sent him a sexy text from the bathroom  like you said to, but it came through when we were at dinner and his mom almost saw and I think he might be mad at me since he’s been acting really weird and confused, and so when we were having sex I made myself a bikini of whipped cream but then he was all, “I’m lactose intolerant” and fell asleep without even giving me an opportunity to volley his penis back and forth like a tennis ball! What should I do?

A:

And that is where we must part. Join me next month, when Cosmo will no doubt advance to having their terrible advice beamed directly into your skull, and keep a sharp lookout for my "Sex Questions Answered Doggy-Style" column. 

 

Do you want to find someone to eat avocados with the proper way? Try Nerve Dating.