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Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life
This month, the new Cosmo for Guys app and Ben’s genius pitch for a new Cosmo column.
by Ben Reininga
Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.
This month, I’m pleased to introduce some sexy new elements to this esteemed space — the stodgy ol’ print industry has gone hip on us! Not only has Cosmo launched a men’s publication, but it’s iPad exclusive! We’re going mobile, friends. Hitting the road. And then hitting a tree when we cruise off the road during the middle of some poorly planned road-head.
CFG: COSMO FOR GUYS (The App)
To be fair, I’ve known about it for months, but it’s been harder than I anticipated to find someone who A) had an iPad with the Cosmo For Guys app downloaded and paid for and B) owed me a favor. Fortunately, Goldman-Sachs’ Spring Fling (this year’s theme: “A Night We All Forgot”) was last week (Thanks Troy! And don’t worry — I’ll never tell!), so I finally got to experience this innovative marvel for myself. And let me tell you, modern technology is amazing. Instead of insipid sex advice laid out ‘graph by ‘graph on a page, as in the days of our poor monkey ancestors, we now have the exact same advice hidden in graphics and revealed via an elaborate system of tapping, sliding, and spinning. The future!
“How to Compliment a Naked Woman”
This is a feature in which you get to prod different parts of a sexy lady, and are rewarded with suggested compliments:
She’s heard "Nice ass" before so you’ll have to take it up a notch to make her feel like the hottest girl you’ve ever laid eyes on.
And then you tap her butt, and learn to say things like:
Your ass is so f-in hot. I just want to bite it.
Or her breasts:
Wow, you’ve got awesome breasts.
Or even her face:
Your eye color is so gorgeous. You have the longest lashes.
Now, I could nitpick: is “I want to bite your ass” really a big step up from “Nice ass” if your criterion is classiness? Does “Your eye color is so gorgeous” sound a little it-rubs-the-lotion-on-its-skin? Is, “Wow, you’ve got awesome breasts..." well, actually, I think that one’s great. Which is probably because it sounds like the only one I’d ever say — the part of me that expresses erotic appreciation is stuck in ‘90s California. (“Dude! That felt radical!”)
But all that’s the besides the point, because poking, prodding and spinning a scantily clad woman on a device connected to the internet (and therefore all the porn) feels like too much work for not enough naked.
“4 Times It Pays To Be Jealous”
When the green-eyed monster rears his ugly head, your instinct is to beat it back with a stick. But hold up. In some scenarios, your feelings may be legit.
Cosmo for both genders is big on this “x number of times it’s good to do a bad thing.” For example ”11 Times You Ought to Lie” or like, “4 Times She Has it Coming.” Here are two times CFG thinks you should be very jealous.
“Her new work buddy is a flirt... and a dead ringer for Ryan Reynolds — definitely jealous.”
Obviously you can’t ban her from dealing with this dude , but you can say this: “Watch out for [insert d-bag’s name here]: it seems he’s noticing how awesome you are, and I can’t blame him for being interested.”
Really, though, how much does it suck that you can’t ban her from seeing him? Or from having a job. Feminists. Amirite, guys?
She consistently won’t tell you who she’s texting” — correct answer: flipping your sh*t.
Now, privacy is important, but this is shady, and you need to call her out. Tell her, “When you hide it, I think something’s going on.” Then say, “I hate to be in this situation, but I want you to show me who you’re texting.” If nothing is really up, she’ll hand it over.
Or, try my preferred method: Shout “Is that RyGos performing CPR on a baby?” and then just snatch the phone right out of her hand. If it turns out she’s not in medias sexting, it’s further proof that she’s cheating — how else did she learn to be so sneaky about it?