Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life

This month, the new Cosmo for Guys app and Ben’s genius pitch for a new Cosmo column.

by Ben Reininga

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

This month, I’m pleased to introduce some sexy new elements to this esteemed space — the stodgy ol’ print industry has gone hip on us!  Not only has Cosmo launched a men’s publication, but it’s iPad exclusive! We’re going mobile, friends. Hitting the road. And then hitting a tree when we cruise off the road during the middle of some poorly planned road-head. 

CFG: COSMO FOR GUYS (The App)

To be fair, I’ve known about it for months, but it’s been harder than I anticipated to find someone who A) had an iPad with the Cosmo For Guys app downloaded and paid for and B) owed me a favor. Fortunately, Goldman-Sachs’ Spring Fling (this year’s theme: “A Night We All Forgot”) was last week (Thanks Troy! And don’t worry — I’ll never tell!), so I finally got to experience this innovative marvel for myself. And let me tell you, modern technology is amazing. Instead of insipid sex advice laid out ‘graph by ‘graph on a page, as in the days of our poor monkey ancestors, we now have the exact same advice hidden in graphics and revealed via an elaborate system of tapping, sliding, and spinning. The future! 

 

“How to Compliment a Naked Woman”

This is a feature in which you get to prod different parts of a sexy lady, and are rewarded with suggested compliments: 

She’s heard "Nice ass" before so you’ll have to take it up a notch to make her feel like the hottest girl you’ve ever laid eyes on.

And then you tap her butt, and learn to say things like: 

Your ass is so f-in hot. I just want to bite it. 

Or her breasts: 

Wow, you’ve got awesome breasts.

Or even her face: 

Your eye color is so gorgeous. You have the longest lashes.

Now, I could nitpick: is “I want to bite your ass” really a big step up from “Nice ass” if your criterion is classiness? Does “Your eye color is so gorgeous” sound a little it-rubs-the-lotion-on-its-skin? Is, “Wow, you’ve got awesome breasts..." well, actually, I think that one’s great. Which is probably because it sounds like the only one I’d ever say — the part of me that expresses erotic appreciation is stuck in ‘90s California. (“Dude! That felt radical!”) 

But all that’s the besides the point, because poking, prodding and spinning a scantily clad woman on a device connected to the internet (and therefore all the porn) feels like too much work for not enough naked.  

“4 Times It Pays To Be Jealous” 

When the green-eyed monster rears his ugly head, your instinct is to beat it back with a stick. But hold up. In some scenarios, your feelings may be legit.

Cosmo for both genders is big on this “x number of times it’s good to do a bad thing.” For example ”11 Times You Ought to Lie” or like, “4 Times She Has it Coming.” Here are two times CFG thinks you should be very jealous. 

“Her new work buddy is a flirt... and a dead ringer for Ryan Reynolds — definitely jealous.”

Obviously you can’t ban her from dealing with this dude , but you can say this: “Watch out for [insert d-bag’s name here]: it seems he’s noticing how awesome you are, and I can’t blame him for being interested.”

Really, though, how much does it suck that you can’t ban her from seeing him? Or from having a job. Feminists. Amirite, guys?

She consistently won’t tell you who she’s texting” — correct answer: flipping your sh*t.

Now, privacy is important, but this is shady, and you need to call her out. Tell her, “When you hide it, I think something’s going on.” Then say, “I hate to be in this situation, but I want you to show me who you’re texting.” If nothing is really up, she’ll hand it over.

Or, try my preferred method:  Shout “Is that RyGos performing CPR on a baby?” and then just snatch the phone right out of her hand. If it turns out she’s not in medias sexting, it’s further proof that she’s cheating — how else did she learn to be so sneaky about it? 

Commentarium (16 Comments)

Apr 24 12 - 1:21am
AAC

Hmm. Well, at least the dog meme made me chuckle...

Apr 24 12 - 1:33am
JO

"Who amongst us does not clench his butt cheeks during times of transition?" I died.

Apr 24 12 - 2:40pm
Agree!

oh man. so good.

Apr 24 12 - 1:52am
FP

I like that the Cosmo for Guys app seemingly features a 'woman' in her teens. Stay classy, CFG!!!

Apr 24 12 - 6:55am
NN

This is just snark! Half of this shit isn't even bad advice; it is just Nerve nitpicking a fairly low brow publication and exaggerating its faults.

If the phrase 'I can't help it, I just want to bite your ass" appeared in a dateline feature it would be regarded as edgy and sexy. But Nerve needs to burnish its sex positive credentials by showing how superior it is to the masses. As such, it goes after mainstream publications and savages them for doing little more than offering trite writing and a few tired tropes. Well I got news for you Nerve it may be time to turn that gaze inward. We have all noticed the decline in quality here. The whole website is now articles written by readers or asking untoward questions to randoms on the street. If Nerve didn't consistently insult the intelligence of its readership it would realize that posting this much snark next to this much trite writing is an invitation to the charge of hypocrisy.

Apr 24 12 - 10:34am
sven

what do you mean "we," kimosabe? i think the advice on nerve is usually more thoughtful and way less arbitrary than most places.

Apr 24 12 - 10:55am
@Sven

The decline is in the quality of the writers. And if you are interested in good sex advice you should lament too. For instance they no longer run "Savage Love" which is widely regarded as one of the best sex positive advice columns around. They now almost exclusively publish reader submissions or random on the street interviews in Brooklyn - neither are particularly interesting and they certainly aren't informative.

Apr 25 12 - 2:37am
AAC

@NN: +1 to that. I originally wrote a longer post which said some of the same things you said. This article just feels burned out, phoned-in, and full of unearned snark. When calling other journalists out for lazy writing, it's a good idea to make damn sure you're not doing the same thing yourself.

And then at the end there was a dog, so I regretted reading it a little bit less. But only a little bit.

Apr 24 12 - 12:32pm
Marie Wyatt

Um....the article is most definitely not about the april issue of the magazine. Nowhere on the cover does it say the sex issue or feel great naked or anything about 99 sex questions. Not gonna lie...I read Cosmo too and I'm pretty sure all this stuff is in the May issue.

Apr 24 12 - 5:00pm
BenReininga

You're right -- I used the May issues. There has been a long-standing argument about whether to call each column by the month it comes out in (April) or the month of the magazine used (May). But it's really not our fault, it's the stupid print industry that insists on doing everything early...

Apr 24 12 - 10:53pm
Marie Wyatt

I just got a little confused but, I still like the column though. When I read the sex advice it always cracks me up. I just like the rest of the mag.

Apr 24 12 - 12:50pm
cindysays

I'm still laughing out loud. And I'm just going to use all of these tips tonight. Hey, if this is decline, it's still better than most of the crap on internets and absolutely better than everything in the glossies, at least male-female related.

Apr 24 12 - 2:41pm
amazing

homewrecking strumpet is my new favorite insult.

Apr 25 12 - 10:17pm
src

"Now, privacy is important, but this is shady, and you need to call her out. Tell her, “When you hide it, I think something’s going on.” Then say, “I hate to be in this situation, but I want you to show me who you’re texting.” If nothing is really up, she’ll hand it over."

Obvious, I know, but I have to say it: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Apr 26 12 - 5:20pm
jill

For the record, "I want to bite your ass" has worked on me.

And btw, have you looked at stodgy ol' Redbook lately? Even that's getting all slutty. They had reviews on NIPPLE CLAMPS. I swear! Redbook!

jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

Apr 27 12 - 11:00am
Tammy

Such a good laugh this morning! Thanks!