Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: August 2011

Cosmopolitan wants you to be grrrrreat, tiger!

By Ben Reininga

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

August can be glum... unless you have a yacht that you plan to spend it on, in which case, I'm not talking to you. For the rest of us, it's hot and stupid and boring. And this year, we're also apparently swinging on the edge of economic collapse. You can't even watch TV in front of the fan without having your programming interrupted by "the world's saddest tangerine" taking potshots at the president. Dark days, my friends, during which we could all use a little comic relief. You know what's funny? Tigers:  

Cosmopolitan must have been thinking along the same lines, since they're also writing about tigers. The result is less "Why is that Congressman growling at me?" funny, and more "Sweetheart, you're acting funny" funny. But we'll work with that we've got. 

"4 Times You Need to Be a Tiger Girlfriend"

When Cosmo thinks you need empowering, they've got a couple of go-to strategies: photos of women making O-faces (oddly homoerotic for a ladies mag) and cat metaphors. If your man's eyes are straying, channel your inner lioness and surprise him with a blowjob! (Or a wildebeest shank, depending on how literal we're being.) Or, as this article has it, if he's being kind of a whiner, unleash your inner tiger! In other words, be mean! 

• "He can't stand his job."

If your boyfriend is unhappy at work, this is a disaster. I'm not talking about any chichi inner-fulfillment shit. I mean he's going to annoy the living hell out of you. "But, of course, there's only so much complaining you can put up with." So, be prepared to "unleash the tiger... Warn him that you're not going to play therapist any longer. Then, whenever he starts to bitch around you, get up and leave the room." A tiger's greatest weapons are her sassy warnings and her willingness to watch TV on her iPad in the tub when she doesn't get her way.  

• "His ex friended him on Facebook."

"A recent study from the University of Guelph, in Canada, found that the more often you look at your guy's FB page, the more likely you are to feel suspicious." This is just a fun fact, however, not a reason to stop Facebooking. In fact, I just quoted it so I could say Guelph! (Guh-welf!) What the fuck is that, the Cambridge of Southwestern Ontario?

• "You're ready to get married but he still seems iffy."

You've been dating for more than year, you've discussed marriage, but he hasn't proposed. "Now it's time to lay down the law." (Tiger-style.) "Tell your guy, 'I'd be sad if things didn't work out with us, but I'd rather know now if you didn't see us getting married...' then give him time to mull over how sucky life would be without you."

Man, this one could be renamed "Three ways to get divorced before your tatas have started to sag." First, chill out. A year? That's the benchmark for "Oh my God, I can't believe he hasn't proposed?" Tigers are supposed to be patient! And second, if you still say things like "sucky," you're too young for marriage. (I mean, I should talk. My tax attorney has been acting totally gay.) Finally, don't guilt people into marrying you. It's just not a good idea. 

"Guys Rate 50 Sex Moves"

You know what else is funny? Sex. It's so earnest, so awkward, so often unintentionally frog-like. Here's Cosmo easing your mind:

• "But as you're, say, pouring hot wax on your guy's chest, you're probably wondering just how much he's into it. Now the guessing game is over."

I'm not sure anyone does anything with hot wax outside of Madonna videos and certain S&M bars in Chelsea, but if they do, they drip it. Don't pour. (And before you embark on any sex move that hurts, ask.) Anyway, the list that follows gives fifty sex moves, ranked with emoticons. (Would I lie?)

• "Calling him when you're masturbating, giving him a preview of the moans you're going to make later that night."

This one's shown up before, and I've got to say, it's a risky idea. (What if he's at work or, on the other line with his niece?) But then I again, I once had a long-distance relationship fall apart because phone sex makes me giggle.  

• "Lightly licking along his jawline, ending at the supersensitive spot in front of his ears."

This tip is confusingly categorized under "kissing." 

• "Running your tongue back and forth along the roof of his mouth."

Ditto. 

• "Taking his tongue into your mouth and lightly sucking on it like you would his penis."

Ditto. And gross. 

• "Biting his lower and upper lips — hard."
  "Digging your nails into his shoulders and raking them down his back when he's on top, leaving red marks."

For the last two, humor aside — don't do those things without asking. Just don't.