Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: August 2011

Cosmopolitan wants you to be grrrrreat, tiger!

By Ben Reininga

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

August can be glum... unless you have a yacht that you plan to spend it on, in which case, I'm not talking to you. For the rest of us, it's hot and stupid and boring. And this year, we're also apparently swinging on the edge of economic collapse. You can't even watch TV in front of the fan without having your programming interrupted by "the world's saddest tangerine" taking potshots at the president. Dark days, my friends, during which we could all use a little comic relief. You know what's funny? Tigers:  

Cosmopolitan must have been thinking along the same lines, since they're also writing about tigers. The result is less "Why is that Congressman growling at me?" funny, and more "Sweetheart, you're acting funny" funny. But we'll work with that we've got. 

 

 

"4 Times You Need to Be a Tiger Girlfriend"

When Cosmo thinks you need empowering, they've got a couple of go-to strategies: photos of women making O-faces (oddly homoerotic for a ladies mag) and cat metaphors. If your man's eyes are straying, channel your inner lioness and surprise him with a blowjob! (Or a wildebeest shank, depending on how literal we're being.) Or, as this article has it, if he's being kind of a whiner, unleash your inner tiger! In other words, be mean! 

  • "He can't stand his job."

If your boyfriend is unhappy at work, this is a disaster. I'm not talking about any chichi inner-fulfillment shit. I mean he's going to annoy the living hell out of you. "But, of course, there's only so much complaining you can put up with." So, be prepared to "unleash the tiger... Warn him that you're not going to play therapist any longer. Then, whenever he starts to bitch around you, get up and leave the room." A tiger's greatest weapons are her sassy warnings and her willingness to watch TV on her iPad in the tub when she doesn't get her way.  

  • "His ex friended him on Facebook."

"A recent study from the University of Guelph, in Canada, found that the more often you look at your guy's FB page, the more likely you are to feel suspicious." This is just a fun fact, however, not a reason to stop Facebooking. In fact, I just quoted it so I could say Guelph! (Guh-welf!) What the fuck is that, the Cambridge of Southwestern Ontario?

  • "You're ready to get married but he still seems iffy."

You've been dating for more than year, you've discussed marriage, but he hasn't proposed. "Now it's time to lay down the law." (Tiger-style.) "Tell your guy, 'I'd be sad if things didn't work out with us, but I'd rather know now if you didn't see us getting married...' then give him time to mull over how sucky life would be without you."

Man, this one could be renamed "Three ways to get divorced before your tatas have started to sag." First, chill out. A year? That's the benchmark for "Oh my God, I can't believe he hasn't proposed?" Tigers are supposed to be patient! And second, if you still say things like "sucky," you're too young for marriage. (I mean, I should talk. My tax attorney has been acting totally gay.) Finally, don't guilt people into marrying you. It's just not a good idea. 

"Guys Rate 50 Sex Moves"

You know what else is funny? Sex. It's so earnest, so awkward, so often unintentionally frog-like. Here's Cosmo easing your mind:

  • "But as you're, say, pouring hot wax on your guy's chest, you're probably wondering just how much he's into it. Now the guessing game is over."

I'm not sure anyone does anything with hot wax outside of Madonna videos and certain S&M bars in Chelsea, but if they do, they drip it. Don't pour. (And before you embark on any sex move that hurts, ask.) Anyway, the list that follows gives fifty sex moves, ranked with emoticons. (Would I lie?)

  • "Calling him when you're masturbating, giving him a preview of the moans you're going to make later that night."

This one's shown up before, and I've got to say, it's a risky idea. (What if he's at work or, on the other line with his niece?) But then I again, I once had a long-distance relationship fall apart because phone sex makes me giggle.  

  • "Lightly licking along his jawline, ending at the supersensitive spot in front of his ears."

This tip is confusingly categorized under "kissing." 

  • "Running your tongue back and forth along the roof of his mouth."

Ditto. 

  • "Taking his tongue into your mouth and lightly sucking on it like you would his penis."

Ditto. And gross. 

  • "Biting his lower and upper lips — hard."
    "Digging your nails into his shoulders and raking them down his back when he's on top, leaving red marks."

For the last two, humor aside — don't do those things without asking. Just don't. 

Commentarium (31 Comments)

Jul 28 11 - 9:29am
Someone

Someday Maxim is going to have to admit that they get all their advice about women from watching porn movies as though they're documentaries. I genuinely expect they will someday print:"Remember guys, if she's not in the mood for sex, ask her if she wants pizza. If she says yes, cut a hole in the bottom and stick your penis through. When you present the pizza to her, tell her you got her extra sausage. Women love it when you're spontaneous, so it's guaranteed to work every time."

Also, the part in Cosmo about getting married after a year made me say "what the f**k" out loud. I only know one couple around my age that's married and they'd been dating for 5 years prior.

Jul 28 11 - 1:08pm
idon'twanttogiveanam

That pizza box idea actually sounds pretty awesome...

Sep 08 11 - 12:46am
Kayla

Step One: Cut a hole in the box...

Jul 28 11 - 12:20pm
Amy

Um, Cambridge is the Cambridge of South Western Ontario; it's right next to Guelph.

Jul 28 11 - 1:20pm
Joel

Like ^

Jul 28 11 - 2:37pm
BenReininga

Comment of the day. Thank you for helping me learn about the world.

Jul 28 11 - 9:51pm
Lord Kitchener

Wait until I tell ya what the city beside it is called!

Jul 29 11 - 8:35am
phineas

Your very own Waterloo?

Jul 28 11 - 1:19pm
Canadian

Way to write an article about ignorant sex advice, only to pepper your commentary with ignorance about Canada!

Jul 28 11 - 3:16pm
Danielle Gibson

As Nerve's official token Canadian, I pardon the confusion, and I think you should too (we have to keep up our facade of being peace-loving if we want to someday overtake these American swines).

Jul 28 11 - 9:53pm
Lord Kitchener

Knot to worry, we're infiltrating the foul American swines from within by taking in their refugee Loyalists, intermarrying with the remainders, and insinuating ourselves into their comedy culture. If we have to, we'll send in the Canadian Forces a la Southpark: The Movie.

Jul 28 11 - 2:02pm
Canadian

I don't know what they are talking aboot

Jul 28 11 - 9:53pm
Lord Kitchener

Go back into your hoose, you boor!

Jul 28 11 - 3:44pm
Jen

The University of Guelph has done a study on something other than agricultural science?! Neat. They're moving on up in the world of southern Ontario post-secondary acedemia!

Jul 28 11 - 4:42pm
Lolita

I can see how you'd think the tiger thing is some link to the "inherent" female feline nature, but I think it's a play on the whole Tiger mom thing. You know, scary Asian women/mothers. Which makes it vaguely racist. As if you need more reasons to love Cosmo.

Jul 29 11 - 1:12pm
FelixJones

I'd rather step in it at Guelph than sleep with it at Western.

Jul 29 11 - 4:33pm
Gazbo

Why is tongue sucking gross? Aren't you a little old to be using "gross" this way?
You're right about the wax though - somebody ought to litigate that one. Really bad advice.

Jul 29 11 - 6:33pm
devo

I guess it depends on how you give bjs! I wouldn't want anyone to suck my tongue in the same way they suck my dick

Jul 30 11 - 6:33pm
Dee

I wouldn't want anyone to suck my tongue the way I suck dick either, yo.

Aug 07 11 - 9:55pm
jill

good lord, every month with these i picture some poor chick earnestly licking the crap out of her boyfriend's jaw, biting his mouth hard and probing the roof of his mouth. this, girlie, is why he doesn't want to marry you--you are the worst lover ever.

jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

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Oct 12 11 - 12:10am
Beaverduck

I love how my fellow Canadians all noticed the Cambridge reference on an article as enticing as terrible sex tips.

As a side note my apartment building is called "the Cambridge"... Just sayin...

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Jun 19 12 - 12:16pm
Sam

Personally, when I want to go Tiger Style, I just listen to Wu Tang Clan.