Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable
Sex Life: December

Cosmopolitan and Men’s Health keep you warm, and possibly sticky.

By Ben Reininga

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

Christmas has come and gone and the New Year looms. As we welcome the blessed end to Christmas carols, gift-buying, and “naughty or nice” puns, we must also prepare for the start of resolution season — three more months of cold and dark. And, of course, new issues of everyone’s favorite men’s and women’s magazines.

As we hunker down for our long winters’ naps, we should at least have that most human of connections to keep us warm. Right? Maybe.

Cosmopolitan

Last month, you had thirty days to score a man in time for the holidays. If you didn’t pull it off, I don’t even know what to tell you. (Seriously, go sit in the corner.) If you did, don’t think it’s time to relax. Oh no. There are lots more terrors to contemplate. For instance, cheating.

Groundbreaking scientific research by Patricia Love, Ph.D. (author of Hot Monogamy) discovered that “when a guy meets an attractive new woman,” he is likeliest to cheat. Unless you stop him. Or, as they put it, “Make sure the new girl doesn’t stand a chance.”

According to the gospel of Dr. Love, “if you continually do little things that spike his testosterone,” you can keep your man from straying. Those little things range from the silly (make an iPhone video together. It will “give him a hormone high”) to the oddly desperate:

  • Wake up your boyfriend and have sex between 5 a.m. and 6 a.m. “But don’t just do it occasionally.” No. At least once a week.
  • Tell him he’s great. “Every time you tell him how amazing he is, his inner caveman starts beating his chest.” And all men have inner cavemen. Fact.
  • When you’re at a bar, “flirt a little with the bartender or the cute guy standing next to you.” You’ll be able to tell if the guy has a girlfriend, since she’ll immediately start complimenting him. Or cut you.

Once you’ve roped him in and fended off sexy strangers, you must please him. “Of course, you can use your fingers to stroke him into a puddle of man mush.” (Of course. Man mush.) But you can also use these sixty sexy tips for “hands-free” sex.

Why? Because they ran “things to do with your hands” last month and “things to do with your boobs” the month before, and standards gave “sixty things to do with your vagina” the red light.

  • “Your cheeks are so soft. Sweep them back and forth over his package.” (The street slang for this move is “cock-slap.”)
  • “Lick his eyelids, and then blow on your saliva.” This one comes courtesy of Sadie Allison, who, you should know, also has a Ph. D. And wrote a book called Tickle His Pickle. (She’s a penis genius!)
  • “He can insert his penis where the underside of your boob meets your rib.” I thought the word “insert” conjured unrealistic expectations about breasts and what they do. Until I read the one about soaping up your breasts, and using them to wash his entire body. Don’t forget behind the ears.

Men’s Health Magazine

Women are not the only ones who need to work hard to get laid this January. Men, too, must expend unusual amounts of effort — mostly by conniving to manipulate their lady lovers.  Like this feature, “15 Reasons She Has Sex With You.” A list with a brilliant subtext: use sexy science (and chocolate) to trick her into boning you. To begin:

  • “Stroke her forearm first. This area of the arm is packed with pleasure nerves that respond best to a touch traveling 1 to 10 centimeters per second... [to stimulate] an area of the brain associated with trust and affection.” You can practice your speed with a ruler and a stopwatch at work. Just do it with the door closed.
     
  • Propose a horror movie marathon. "Being scared is physiologically arousing, and in the right company, it may eventually carry over to sexual arousal.” You can also use it to test whether or not she’s got the “slut gene."
     
  • “Try exchanging naughty jokes via email while you're apart — this adds an element of fun to your all-day foreplay.” Is it only called sexting when errant high-school teachers do it?
  • Work out together. And then, have a “sweaty makeout session.” Why? Because "Male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does... So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically." Trying to feed someone your testosterone-laced spit to get them to fuck you, on the other hand, is gross. So, you know, play that one close to the chest.
  • “Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.” To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to “stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes.” (She’ll be prepared: that’s Cosmo’s “no hands” sex-tip, no. 19. These people are comparing notes.)

Then, have sex.

Bonus tips! Here are a few more for the road:

  • “According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster.” According to some other research, the taste of bread is delicious. 
  • If a guy sends a kissy-face emoticon, he’s saying “I want to jump your bones, but I’m not okay with sexting... and I’m cheesy.” (from the vital new feature, “Decode His Emoticons”).
  • “If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate.” Good tip. I find mutant sperm so irksome!
  • Bubble baths aren’t a guy thing. Except if they’re “cocktail-inspired.” Presumably, this does not mean ice-cold.
  • Eat L-Arginine, which “allows more blood flow to the penis.” As MHM says, “Here's your excuse to try out that whipped-cream and chocolate-sauce fantasy: the dark stuff also has L-Arginine.” Wait? Whipped cream and chocolate sauce? In a sexual context? It’s brilliant!

Commentarium (34 Comments)

Dec 29 10 - 10:51am
cc

it's kind of unnerving to think of home ec teachers trolling around here. my grandmotherly home ec tech would never approve.

Apr 06 11 - 3:34pm
Virender Malik

Sexgrails

Apr 06 11 - 3:36pm
Virender Malik

Im maru

Dec 29 10 - 12:52pm
Laura

I fear for the people who actually take this advice. And I pray they do not breed.

Dec 29 10 - 1:35pm
Um....

Quick update: "...work on your [johnson] with your toes" is called a footjob.

Apr 03 11 - 8:45am
Ola

Am in love wit u

Apr 06 11 - 3:16pm
Virender malik

India

Apr 06 11 - 3:18pm
Virender malik

Sex job

Dec 29 10 - 3:37pm
Vinegar Bend

"Cosmopolitan" is one of the worst things that ever happened to American women. The magazine has been lying to them and leading them dangerously astray since Helen Gurley Brown's heyday. "Men's Health" hasn't been at it as long.

Dec 29 10 - 3:40pm
Fifty-three

There are 60 things to do with a vagina? My girlfriend only knows 53.

Dec 29 10 - 3:54pm
TwiddlerOnTheHoof

Ah... so she hasn't mastered blowing smoke rings yet 53?

Dec 29 10 - 5:58pm
nic

I kept waiting for actual commentary. This was funny, but I'd have liked some analysis. I'm in the wrong place aren't I?

Dec 30 10 - 12:30am
@nlc

analysis: truly, do not do any of these to your bf or gf. every single guy friend of mine laughs his ass off at cosmo's sex tips and then pleads with thier girlfriends to never do such things to them.

Dec 30 10 - 1:53am
WHAT?!

I'm a sexually active heterosexual male college student, and, with the exception of maybe one or two of these, I'd say they're pretty accurate....I wouldn't mind being woken up at 5am to randomly have sex...why not? ....that inner caveman stuff is totally true as well. So I don't know what these other commenters are thinking....

Apr 06 11 - 3:39pm
Virender Malik

Sexgrails

Apr 06 11 - 3:44pm
Virender Malik

Grils

Dec 30 10 - 2:35am
Um... yeah.

Heterosexual male college students are pretty much the only males who constantly want to have sex and feel the need to beat their chests. (Usually these things take place after ingesting copious amounts of alcohol via a beer bong.) The need to constantly have one's ego stroked is a sign of horrible self-esteem (be it in a man or a woman). Good luck having a healthy relationship with that attitude, buddy.

Dec 30 10 - 1:38pm
SMBC

Touch Him on the Penis!

Apr 06 11 - 3:42pm
Virender Malik

Not

Apr 06 11 - 3:52pm
Virender Malik

Namer

Dec 31 10 - 1:21am
VC

touch it, touch it, touch it... Penis or Vagina.. Touch it, caress it, kiss it, fondle it, love it, cherish it and it will be yours forever

Apr 06 11 - 3:54pm
Virender Malik

Dil

Apr 06 11 - 4:11pm
Virender Malik

Sexjob

Dec 31 10 - 4:44pm
robert paulsen

i have yet to meet a woman boring or dirty enough to try most of the things featured. i'm not sure i feel bad about this.

Dec 31 10 - 8:09pm
tre

Is it possible to "plan" for sex in the early morning? I was under the impression it just happened.

Jan 01 11 - 4:54pm
MrZ

Hey "umm yeah"- congratulations; you're an asshole. way to belittle others for their sexual and emotional wants and needs.

Apr 06 11 - 3:55pm
Virender Malik

Morvo

Jan 03 11 - 2:55pm
GeeBee

Here's a free tip. If your man calls smilies "emoticons" he's a nerd.

Jan 03 11 - 3:08pm
sextherapistscrappy

sex therapists have to earn their keep per word and per 'job' 'position' and "making it fun".
=drumming up more business later on. a shame they dont balance things out- maybe he could suck her toes (warm her feet)instead of putting it on his sausage? maybe he could think-another guy might snag her-i'll make the effort too)it's not all about him- two people copulate, not one!

Jan 05 11 - 5:08pm
jill

so if I hock a loogie on the eyelids of "my guy" and wake him up randomly and repeatedly in the middle of the night ("incoming!") i should be all set. thanks ben!
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

Jan 06 11 - 6:04pm
deliciouslyevil

did some of u miss the /s in this article? Scary.

Anyone seen the episode of South Park - Margaritaville i think - where the banks cuts off a chicken's head and toss it on a board with random outcomes? Where the chicken drops is the 'most prudent move'? That HAS to be how the magazines come up with all of their ideas. Some of those 'moves' are scary.

Jan 07 11 - 8:10am
Molly

What I hate about all of these tips is that each of them is bound to work for SOMEONE, but they're also likely to freak out a number of other people. The best sex tip, and one they never tell you to do, is to sit down together and have a sexy conversation about what turns each of you on and what you'd like to try. Some guys might be "into" feet, and some guys want you to keep them as far away from their genitals as possible. Or even less scary, ASK before pulling these crazy ideas out of your bag of tricks. "How would you feel if I rubbed your cock with my feet?" is going to save you the humiliation of actually trying it on someone who would scream and run away if you did, and you can always follow that up with "oh, I was just curious. Cosmo always recommends stuff like that and I wanted to see if real guys were actually into it. Crazy, huh?" We need to stop being so afraid to actually talk about sex with our partners, instead of guessing at what they might find hot. I'll bet you that your partners already have some ideas they've been meaning to try if you bring it up with an open mind, and those ideas are probably not the ones that Cosmo's been dishing out.

Jan 14 11 - 12:19am
OHTEHLOLZ

I think the writers at Men's Health and COSMO are the internet trolls of the magazine industry. Next they'll be telling us to go to LemonParty.org for more great tips.

Jan 16 11 - 12:44am
MCC

It's 5:45am. My alarm has been going off for 15 minutes. I am too tired and disoriented to turn it off, so I keep hitting snooze. He finally mumbles into his pillow "TURN IT OFF!!!! TURN IT OFF!!!" I drop the phone, can't find, reach for my glasses, knock those off the bedside, and try to blindly find my phone with the blaring alarm. I knock over a glass of water onto my phone and it shatters. My dog starts barking, I turn the light on to sweep up the glass. Boyfriend's heart is still racing from the glass shattering and is hiding under the pillow from the light. I get back in bed, bottoms of my pajamas speckled with glass shards and water, and then I reach my hand along my boyfriend's hip and find.... an angry flaccid penis. The things that seem exciting and sexy to teenagers sort of lose their charm in adulthood. But by all means, live it up while it's fun and fresh.