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Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable
Sex Life: December
Cosmopolitan and Men’s Health keep you warm, and possibly sticky.
By Ben Reininga
Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.
Christmas has come and gone and the New Year looms. As we welcome the blessed end to Christmas carols, gift-buying, and “naughty or nice” puns, we must also prepare for the start of resolution season — three more months of cold and dark. And, of course, new issues of everyone’s favorite men’s and women’s magazines.
As we hunker down for our long winters’ naps, we should at least have that most human of connections to keep us warm. Right? Maybe.
Last month, you had thirty days to score a man in time for the holidays. If you didn’t pull it off, I don’t even know what to tell you. (Seriously, go sit in the corner.) If you did, don’t think it’s time to relax. Oh no. There are lots more terrors to contemplate. For instance, cheating.
Groundbreaking scientific research by Patricia Love, Ph.D. (author of Hot Monogamy) discovered that “when a guy meets an attractive new woman,” he is likeliest to cheat. Unless you stop him. Or, as they put it, “Make sure the new girl doesn’t stand a chance.”
According to the gospel of Dr. Love, “if you continually do little things that spike his testosterone,” you can keep your man from straying. Those little things range from the silly (make an iPhone video together. It will “give him a hormone high”) to the oddly desperate:
- Wake up your boyfriend and have sex between 5 a.m. and 6 a.m. “But don’t just do it occasionally.” No. At least once a week.
- Tell him he’s great. “Every time you tell him how amazing he is, his inner caveman starts beating his chest.” And all men have inner cavemen. Fact.
- When you’re at a bar, “flirt a little with the bartender or the cute guy standing next to you.” You’ll be able to tell if the guy has a girlfriend, since she’ll immediately start complimenting him. Or cut you.
Once you’ve roped him in and fended off sexy strangers, you must please him. “Of course, you can use your fingers to stroke him into a puddle of man mush.” (Of course. Man mush.) But you can also use these sixty sexy tips for “hands-free” sex.
Why? Because they ran “things to do with your hands” last month and “things to do with your boobs” the month before, and standards gave “sixty things to do with your vagina” the red light.
- “Your cheeks are so soft. Sweep them back and forth over his package.” (The street slang for this move is “cock-slap.”)
- “Lick his eyelids, and then blow on your saliva.” This one comes courtesy of Sadie Allison, who, you should know, also has a Ph. D. And wrote a book called Tickle His Pickle. (She’s a penis genius!)
- “He can insert his penis where the underside of your boob meets your rib.” I thought the word “insert” conjured unrealistic expectations about breasts and what they do. Until I read the one about soaping up your breasts, and using them to wash his entire body. Don’t forget behind the ears.
Men’s Health Magazine
Women are not the only ones who need to work hard to get laid this January. Men, too, must expend unusual amounts of effort — mostly by conniving to manipulate their lady lovers. Like this feature, “15 Reasons She Has Sex With You.” A list with a brilliant subtext: use sexy science (and chocolate) to trick her into boning you. To begin:
“Stroke her forearm first. This area of the arm is packed with pleasure nerves that respond best to a touch traveling 1 to 10 centimeters per second... [to stimulate] an area of the brain associated with trust and affection.” You can practice your speed with a ruler and a stopwatch at work. Just do it with the door closed.
Propose a horror movie marathon. "Being scared is physiologically arousing, and in the right company, it may eventually carry over to sexual arousal.” You can also use it to test whether or not she’s got the “slut gene."
- “Try exchanging naughty jokes via email while you're apart — this adds an element of fun to your all-day foreplay.” Is it only called sexting when errant high-school teachers do it?
- Work out together. And then, have a “sweaty makeout session.” Why? Because "Male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does... So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically." Trying to feed someone your testosterone-laced spit to get them to fuck you, on the other hand, is gross. So, you know, play that one close to the chest.
- “Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.” To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to “stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes.” (She’ll be prepared: that’s Cosmo’s “no hands” sex-tip, no. 19. These people are comparing notes.)
Then, have sex.
Bonus tips! Here are a few more for the road:
- “According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster.” According to some other research, the taste of bread is delicious.
- If a guy sends a kissy-face emoticon, he’s saying “I want to jump your bones, but I’m not okay with sexting... and I’m cheesy.” (from the vital new feature, “Decode His Emoticons”).
- “If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate.” Good tip. I find mutant sperm so irksome!
- Bubble baths aren’t a guy thing. Except if they’re “cocktail-inspired.” Presumably, this does not mean ice-cold.
- Eat L-Arginine, which “allows more blood flow to the penis.” As MHM says, “Here's your excuse to try out that whipped-cream and chocolate-sauce fantasy: the dark stuff also has L-Arginine.” Wait? Whipped cream and chocolate sauce? In a sexual context? It’s brilliant!