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Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life
Maxim tells you how to have Internet Sex, Men's Health tells you what women are thinking, and Cosmo tells you to shut up.
by Ben Reininga
Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.
"Most people think of Valentine's Day as a celebration of the burning of a Catholic loudmouth, but it's also about love." — Kenneth Parcell
How was your Valentine's Day, friends? It doesn't matter. Everything sucks in the world of sex: we're having a national conversation about contraception, a man named after anal leakage is the GOP frontrunner, and the blond barista at my coffee shop with the soccer legs and the pretty mouth introduced me to his stupid girlfriend.
Our friends at the print magazines are with me this month: love and sex are hard.
Let's get to work:
Maxim's monthly sex feature is cynical, sneaky, and love-free, just in time for Valentine's Day. It's about how to use online dating to find women who only want sex — and then how to trick them into having it with you. I was hoping at least for something related to real adult relationships — like, five gifts to buy your sweetheart this V-Day, each ranked for efficacy on a scale of one to "Blowjob City." But alas:
"When 27-year-old Lisa signed into her OKCupid account, a message appeared from a guy who was visiting Boston for the night and wanted to meet up. A few hours later... they ended up screwing in the private bathroom of the Harvard bookstore... Lisa, like a growing number of women, didn't join a dating Web site to find the man of her dreams... They wanted one thing only: casual sex. Read on to learn how to decode their profiles..."
Three things: 1. Her real name isn't Lisa. It's Harold. 2. If you really want to meet the woman of your dreams, go to Nerve Dating (they do pay me, but seriously, it's really nice).
Anyway, here are the three steps to having Internet Sex, according to Maxim:
"Just because some women are strictly seeking sex doesn't mean that they're always up front about it. They want you to use your brain. Lisa's profile reveals that she just wants 'lighthearted fun.' Sneaky, right? … Rose, on the other hand, only answers questions ‘about my sexual preferences...'"
Now, some girls who say things like "lighthearted fun" really do just want to have filthy sex in the filthy bathrooms of the future upper-middle-99%. But some of them are just trying to convey that they're actually easygoing.
The stupid part is imagining that there are two classes of women — the normal chat-chat-chat ones who want to marry you and the secret dirty sexy kind — and that you need a decoder to figure out which is which. Women like having sex, and some will on the first date and some won't — there's no way to figure out except by going out with them. (Except for "Rose." She probably is kind of a floozy.)
"… Start by referencing something you read on her profile, then get a little flirty."
Their example is a guy who responds to a girl's profile with a funny message, asking specifically about her interests. The result? "Sex loud enough to wake his roommate."
That's not bad advice. In fact, it's good advice — be funny, go with specifics, etc. It's just stupid to make that seem like some sort of carpool lane on the superhighway to Pussy Town. (It's just three exits from Blowjob City.) It's actually just a good first step to getting a date. Plus, if you think you've cracked the sex code with a clever opening message, you're probably going to act like it, and that's off-putting.
"Once you nail your message, you're well on your way to getting it on."
And then they jump to stories about people having sex in London, in fishnets, and in a threesome. Because here's the thing: Maxim actually didn't figure out the actual sex part. That part still depends on your ability to meet someone who you connect with, or who you don't connect with, but who's DTF regardless. This article is actually just three decent rules for online dating interspersed with porn-y stories. And that, my friends, is why I named this column "Ridiculous Tips." [I actually named this column — Ed.] [Don't embarrass me in front of my friends, Pete — Ben]