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On the lady side, we've made it a little further: Cosmo assumes you've got a boyfriend you love this V-Day. But, they also assume that you annoy the living shit out of him — so much so that your only chance to keep him is to stop talking. It's a common trope in the pages of Cosmo, practically Step Three in the formula for love: leave him a voicemail while you're masturbating, follow it up a with a "stealth hummer," and then shut up forever. It's like the bend-and-snap, only a little harder on your self-worth.
"Shhh. What he doesn't need to know."
"It's basically in our DNA to want to share everything with him, but hold up. According to the latest relationship intel, keeping some stuff hidden is key to making him even hotter for you."
"Secret 1: What you do on nights apart"
"Maybe you're just hanging with the girls, but for all he knows, you're out having crazy adventures."
I'm with you on nights apart — great for relationships. Not so much for the "lie about what you do" part. That sounds like a great way to get dumped for cheating — without the cheating sex.
"Secret 2: Some of your cool skills"
"Every once in a while, reveal a new thing about yourself. For example, don't explain that you took piano as a kid. Spring it on him — maybe you plop down at the baby grand in a hotel lobby and start playing. Or maybe you've been taking an online Spanish class. Keep it quiet, plan a date at a Mexican restaurant, and blow him away when you order in Spanish."
Nothing says "reigniting our sexual chemistry" like "Nosotros queremos los nachos." But regardless, let's forget the bad idea that is sex after Mexican food, and stick to how strange it would be, in the context of an actual relationship, if your girlfriend revealed amazing piano skills in a public place after you'd been dating for a year. Even rom-com Zooey Deschanel does that by date five.
"Secret 3: Your skinnies don't fit"
"Look, sign up for a Spinning class, read self-help books about the trait you want to work on, or enlist help from your friends but don't involve your guy."
When you've got problems, don't tell your boyfriend. He'll stop wanting to have sex with you. And yes: my dream girl lies to me and reads self-help books.
Healthy Men, on the other hand, do want to know what women are thinking, which is why Men's Health Magazine has bubbled up this classic and thrown it onto the front page of their website for the last week or so.
"What The Woman in Your Life Is Really Thinking"
"The Night You Met"
"Are you actually hot, or have I just made that up so I won't get bored and eat all this bread, which is awesome? I can't believe I have to be nice to your friend's girlfriend, who is phenomenally stupid, in case I want to date you... Finally! You're looking at me. Chin's okay. Nice eyes, mouth... wait. Is your hair kind of gay? Oh. You looked away. I didn't like you anyway. I'm bored. I want more bread."
Lesson: women are like little birds: they think a lot about bread.
"On Your First Date"
"Wait a minute: You like the hostess! It was dark when we met. Did you remember me as younger, or blonder, or thinner? Like the hostess? I was lying when I thought I didn't want you to look at my breasts. Stop reviewing the wine list and look at them... We're such a good couple. It's totally cool if your friend's dumb girlfriend wants to be in the wedding. But she can't be a bridesmaid. She can do the guestbook or something."
They also think a lot about marriage. And whether or not you're looking at their breasts.
"Our First Time in Bed"
"Should I put my legs up in the air, or is that too much? Why am I having sex with you? Oh... why not? I remember when I was younger and thought I was going to be a virgin when I got married. Now that is funny... I am so glad I didn't eat any carbs or sugar for three days. My stomach is so flat! I like looking down at it while you're on top of me. It's so weird that I'm always thinking about getting married."
...and bread and marriage again! Women want to eat bread and marry you. In fact, that's almost all they think about — even while they're having sex with you.
I look forward to a later issue of MHM combining a woman's love of bread with MHM's love of incorporating food into sex. Perhaps something like "Slip a whole crusty baguette onto your shaft and ask if she'd like some of your ‘manwich.' Then simmer in anticipation as she eats her way down the loaf towards your johnson." Double bonus: not only does she love bread more than anything, the carbs will give her extra stamina — you know, in case you need her to perform any activities for a long time.
And that's where we'll leave it. If the internet, not-talking, and bread don't get you on the road to Pussy Town (if not their noted rivals, Blowjob City), then the glossy specialty magazines have failed to help you, and you're doomed to life on Celibate-ville. Until next month, at least.