Lay Down the Law

Because, really, your boyfriend is not a human being. He's one part child and one part tiger catnip. You can't tell what you're worried about, and you certainly can't trust him. You must connive. Hint that you will cheat also, lay out metaphorical situations that you pretend apply to you but that obviously apply to him, and then give an ultimatum that doesn't actually relate to the problem (don't cheat on me), but that you imagine might cause the problem (company softball games) — in the terrifying feline parallel universe of your mind.

What happens if we cross the line to Men's Health, and try to find some insight into why a man might cheat on his obviously awesome, obviously not a tigress, girlfriend? Why, turn the page, dear reader.

Commentarium (70 Comments)

Feb 18 11 - 4:35am
S

Holy shit these are horrible.

Feb 18 11 - 11:35am
JoshuaHanson

hahaha "I think I'm just more comfortable weighing things in my own head than you are. Maybe I need less validation." shared this one with my gf. she says she would punch me in the balls if I told her that.

Feb 18 11 - 12:04pm
ana

Does that count as stealthily touching your junk? Well, maybe not so stealthy . . . but I can see Cosmo suggesting it as a great way to bond with your man . . .

Feb 19 11 - 1:18am
julian.

It is pretty fucking insulting.

Mar 23 11 - 8:57pm
Shelle

surely you could just reply, "well, that may be so, but you also sound like you need a lot less sex" Then smile in a devilishly smug manner. :P

Feb 18 11 - 12:50pm
WithAnInotAnE

Last night was fun; you are not a slut.
Hahahahahaha.

Also, fuck Men's Health. Some ladies are down to fuck just like guys and don't feel guilty about it for a second.

Feb 19 11 - 2:16am
drunken_coyote

But then we couldn't have double standards!
Seriously, though, I agree. And this is more than mildly offensive. If I ever treat my girlfriend like this, please feel free to torture me to death.

Feb 18 11 - 9:30pm
TerryNk

Actually sex is a normal activities to all beings bcos every individual is always involve in it as human.sex is emotional filling contact btw any one eider a girl or man and As 4 guys and girl dt are having a girlfriend or a boyfriend dt so! Much love,please! Note...Sex is liberty in Ur relationship,marrege.... etc.

Feb 19 11 - 2:44pm
orinoko

What?

Mar 01 11 - 6:34pm
D

Don't listen to orinoko, TerryNk. The rest of us understand you. As you say, sex is a normal activities to all beings.

Feb 18 11 - 9:36pm
Anne

Terry, did you say bacos? Do you like avocado...

ROFL, want my salad soulmate.

Feb 20 11 - 2:20am
TerryNK

No! I did'nt say so!,not dt i like such! Bcos everybody is not of disam mind,heart or nature...so! Tell me why did ask?sweet! Anne

Feb 20 11 - 2:20am
TerryNK

No! I did'nt say so!,not dt i like such! Bcos everybody is not of disam mind,heart or nature...so! Tell me why did ask?sweet! Anne

Feb 20 11 - 3:25pm
Grammar Police

Sorry, I don't think that's English.

Feb 19 11 - 1:14am
random

lol i'm feeling that the men's health article is a joke, they seriously wrote it but i believe they were being sarcastic or sardonic, cynical, whatever the word

Feb 19 11 - 1:20am
julian.

This is why I read vogue in my spare time when I choose to read a magazine.

Feb 19 11 - 7:31am
kyle

" Women are annoying to men, so men cheat on women. Women then have to do absurdly silly things to win them back/meet new ones."

Any resemblance to movies with Jennifer Aniston is not a mere coincidence.

Feb 19 11 - 8:07am
lele

I'm just... speechless. These things are insane and I bet there are people insane enough to follow the ""tips""..... ROAAAR.

Feb 19 11 - 8:09am
lele

Also: HOW ANNOYING! 12 pages?? Why not 1 or 2? If there's some kind of "deerrrp we need more pageviews" -explanation, well, you just lost mine because I don't want to read another article with its own page/couple of sentences.

Feb 20 11 - 3:02am
TerryNK

Hi sweet lele!?please! Lele! I was'nt serious about what i said bt now i ve realize mistakes and i always hate myself when hurting someone.please! 4give me! I'm sry.

Feb 19 11 - 11:32am
notwithU

According to MH women obviously don't have brains (unless it has to do with, like, yay, shopping!) and respond simply to whatever stimulus a man gives. Everyone else will comment on the absurdity of these articles because that's what they're here for. But really, what adderol lacking 'writer' put this together? Why are pages 4 and 5 flipped? And why do you jump from Cosmo to MH to Cosmo? Put the MH article and the Cosmo's together, I think the adults in the room can follow a story long enough to get it.

Feb 19 11 - 9:11pm
Tyr

These really are beyond absurd. And Salad Soulmate? Who takes salads that seriously?

Feb 20 11 - 1:55am
TerryNK

Actually i realy want 2 applogize 2 everyone rite here 4 me being so! Fast! at my words...pls 4give me!...i am not perfect...i am sorry! Most especial 2..(lele) i ve learn 4rom my mistake.U all where right..please! 4give me!.i love u all

Feb 20 11 - 2:24pm
JCF

The old format of these articles (not quite so interspersed) was much easier to read.

Feb 21 11 - 3:59am
DG

I always look forward to my monthly dose of miserable sex tips, but this new format bullshit sucks. I might skip the feature next month. Was it just a rogue intern trying to spice things up? Regardless, most of life's problems can be blamed on either the interns or the cooks.

Feb 21 11 - 5:18am
TerryNK

Hi!,name is Terry nk.Meagon.I am guy of 23yrs of age,i dnt have a girl,but has 4 dose dt are into any relationship jst Note! dis! In ur Soul..if ur girl or a guy who so ever it may be and ur sweet is cheating on U,all u have 2 do,d best u should do has a right person dt knos what he or she his doing well..just quirt d (Love)out 4rom d relationship and 4get about all.bcos even if u accept but d love will nt dere has Much! By den dere shall be a waving Filling in both heart!!....if u need more check me out...TerryNK at facebook,efeterry@yahoo.com

Feb 21 11 - 5:39pm
Ann

If a guy did any of the things mentioned in this magazine, I would throat chop him. Likewise, I would fully expect a throat chop from him if I did any of the panthress moves described in Cosmo. Is it too far-fetched to think that maybe all that the douchy Men's Health guys are looking for in life is a pathologically insecure, weight obsessed, shrieking woman hell bent on marriage? Let them have each other.

Feb 21 11 - 5:40pm
Ann

I don't mean you, TerryNK. I think you'll find a nice girl.

Feb 21 11 - 10:31pm
cuckholddon

WoW, don't folks know how to spell even simple words anymore?

Feb 22 11 - 12:17am
Mel

This is like all the bad advice I have ever gotten from people who have no idea what they are talking about rolled into one horrible spitball of bad advice.

Honestly, how petty is that " I don't need as much validation as you" line?

Feb 22 11 - 1:27pm
ScubaChris74

Dating is bad enough sometimes without going through BS like this. It is like Cosmo, and MH have taken what you did in middle school/junior high to the adult level. What is the advice next month from MH. Pull on her pony tail, and run away. This will show you like her without being needy.

Feb 22 11 - 6:38pm
K

Oh! This is why women are so fucked up...

Feb 23 11 - 12:43am
FATboi

Is TerryNK for real or some sort of AI? If said "person" is AI, I'd be impressed, but if he is actually a human, he writes like a monkey typing on one hand and jacking off into a can with the other. NK: does that stand for North Korea?

Feb 23 11 - 9:50pm
jill

I'm casting my lot with those who liked the old format. And is this not done by Ben anymore? The best part is the clever writing, not pictures of the mags....
disgruntled,
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

Feb 26 11 - 9:50pm
splendid

ScubaChris74, you nailed it:
"What is the advice next month from MH. Pull on her pony tail, and run away. This will show you like her without being needy."
Brilliant, best literary review I have read in a good while.
Bring back the devastatingly accurate sarcastic lampoon!

Mar 03 11 - 6:04pm
wtf

who the fuck in their right mind is buying a periwinkle toilet cover?

Mar 08 11 - 1:02pm
Claudia

You should totally check out www.howtoraiseaboyfriend.com

Apr 14 11 - 2:06am
dk

do people really think this is the way women think?? that we care so much about clothes that we're dying to pick out outfits for our boyfriends? i could really give less of a fuck what my man wears.. and about the "emoting".. who likes to talk about feelings? am i missing something here?

Jul 02 11 - 7:26pm
Jacey

I'd be annoyed if I had to pick out my boyfriends clothes. I'm not his mother.

Apr 14 11 - 2:09am
dk

and also i do like to talk when he gets off work but if he ever needed some space and asked for it i would completely understand! it's no big deal.. honestly, do you think this would be a crisis? i need space too

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