Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life

Cosmo and Men's Health on keeping your breasts minty-fresh.

Ridiculous tips for a miserable sex life

BY BEN REININGA

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

Midsummer is a hot, lazy time. Everyone's either on vacation or wishing they were, including our good friends in the magazine world. Luckily, you only need a few things to run a successful men or women's magazine: the belief that men and women are irreconcilably different, a love for the words "naughty" and "juicy" (and about 700 synonyms for same), and no qualms about re-ordering the same content into endless numbered lists.

This month, as we sit at the proverbial poolside gazing at our boy- and girlfriends, we realize we have no idea what the fuck is going on inside their heads. Since it's much too hot to actually speak to them, we can only lean back and reach for the nearest periodical. Please join us, readers, for a helter-skelter dash into the minds of the opposite sex, courtesy of Cosmo and Men's Health.

Cosmopolitan Magazine July 2010Cosmopolitan:

In Cosmo-land, men are both the fount of all meaning in life, and also childish, pig-headed, and entirely impossible to understand. (Also in Cosmo-land, "charcoal is the new leopard," whatever that means.) Fortunately, Cosmo's intrepid researchers have dug deep into the masculine brain, and this month, they publish "the juicy results," which "will give you the power to read your man's mind:"

Wondering "which hoo-ha hairstyle is sexiest?" Men prefer "a landing strip" to "a neat V." (But seriously, grown women. Refer to your vagina as a hoo-ha, or if necessary, your "naughty spot.") Want to get things going? Eighty-seven percent of men like to start with oral sex. Remember, "as you move your mouth up and down his shaft, rotate your hand in a corkscrew motion while spiraling your tongue in the opposite direction." Got that?

Also useful: fifty-six percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head while lying down as opposed to standing up, while the numbers are exactly reversed for married men — a totally useful piece of advice if you and ninety-nine friends are preparing to blow 200 men of unknown marital status and are forbidden from speaking.

Worried that he'll cheat? Psychologists are finally pinpointing warning signs that a guy will stray:

• "If his wardrobe is constantly changing, watch out!"

• "Not ecofriendly? It could be a sign that he'll trash your relationship too." (But what if he "litters" your room with naughty love notes?)

• "Keep your eye on a guy who loves to social network — he may need constant attention."

Extra tip! Follow fast-food chains on Twitter to learn about deals like two-for-one cheeseburgers — guaranteed to make any man go nutty. (Women — you may not eat cheeseburgers.)

And finally, looking to reward him? "Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity...but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face." In fact, please say exactly that: "My lips can't resist your delicious beer-flavored face."

Men's Health Magazine Summer 2010Men's Health:

In turn, this month, Men's Health is full of insights into the mind of Woman. Female readers, you might want to skip this part. (You don't come off very well.)

"Seventy-five percent of women say that their husbands or boyfriends are their main source of confidence." MHM doesn't specify in what sense they mean this, but it seems clear. Seventy-five percent of women suck. Or are stuck in 1951. Or this is actually just meant to make men feel good.

Another poll asks, "What gift would your girlfriend be happiest to receive?" The answers are: "Great oral sex — 58.3%; Designer high heels — 24.2%; A puppy — 17.5%;" So that's women; they like sex and shoes and little dogs, in that order.

Moreover woman's brain "can't differentiate between the external anxiety caused by a novel situation and the internal anxiety caused by being attracted to someone." To turn her on, they suggest couples' trivia. "The point is to add a distinct but manageable touch of danger to the day. It will stimulate dopamine in her brain, which can trigger her sex drive." You might, for example, give her a dagger and lock her in a room with one manageably-sized wolf.

Here's another tip, via an MIT study (science!): "Reinvent yourself outside the bedroom and you could help refresh her passion inside it." In other words, you should probably buy new clothes or start littering.

Common ground:

At this point, you might wonder why you're even bothering with this enterprise known as heterosexuality. It sounds pretty awful. Women are busy practicing insanely complicated oral sex moves, while men are plotting ways to scare the shit out of them. Fortunately, however, there are a few approaches approved for both genders.

Cosmo: "Purchase a jar of edible body paint. Just [think] about a fun event (like going all Picasso on a naked man)."

MHM: "Buy a half-inch camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip it in chocolate sauce, and have her paint numbers on her body. Find your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth."

Cosmo: Pour some peppermint oil onto your cleavage. "Studies have found that the smell of mint has a revitalizing effect. Bonus: Your boobs will smell extra fresh."

MHM: "Pour peppermint schnapps in her belly button. Sip it. Then kiss her breasts and blow on the spots you kissed. The peppermint schnapps and air will cause a cool sensation and heighten arousal."

A mutual love of minty-fresh boobs! Either the "scientists" Cosmo and MHM are always quoting have finally found some common ground between the irreconcilable genders, or our suspicions are true: these magazines are all written by the same people.

Commentarium (23 Comments)

Jul 21 10 - 9:21am
Kim

Woooow... women's brains cannot differentiate between different anxieties that men's brains apparently can? Because, y'know, we're completely different species. And men are obviously far more superior in intellect.

What kind of sexist crap are they publishing in Men's Health?

Jul 21 10 - 9:50am
noodles

LOL @ "keep your eye on a guy who loves to social network." dating tips from a web 1.0 luddite!

Jul 21 10 - 10:31am
balzac

All of these sex tips always seem really messy and sticky.

Jul 21 10 - 11:19am
cc

is it me or is the head on the cosmo girl really just copy and pasted on? it's freaking me out.

Jul 21 10 - 2:25pm
ms

What's with this obsession with licking sticky crap off each other's bodies? If "lovemaking" requires a shopping list, then ur doin it WRONG. Btw, Britney looks a little bobbleheadish.

Jul 21 10 - 3:34pm
VS

Initially, I was going to pick at Cosmo's "naughty spot" usage because it's just plain dumb (same for naughty bits and girly bits...). Then I kept reading. There's just too much, especially the beer/egg facial.

Jul 21 10 - 3:51pm
AlanK

I think you have it reversed: it's MEN who read Cosmo. All in one place we're told we are mysterious fascinating creatures who must be wooed with exotic sexual techniques and hunted like the wild animal we are in our natural habitat...which seems to be gyms, various kinds of sports, and bars. It does wonders for my ego and fortunately I can read any copy of Cosmo I want--while waiting in the checkout line, waiting in some office, borrowed off someone's desk or table--since all copies are the same.

I love that magazine; everything I've learned about women has come form it.

Jul 21 10 - 5:39pm
joe

AlanK, I'm a man and I've never once opened up an issue of Cosmo... but have fun with that.

Jul 21 10 - 7:16pm
Cynthia

Uh, I think AlanK was kidding.

Jul 21 10 - 7:46pm
joe

whoops...i can has joke?

Jul 21 10 - 10:05pm
Lisa

You know, we open up a jar of peppermint oil in the OR whenever something's particularly stanky. Now whenever I smell peppermint I think someone's covering up poop.

Jul 22 10 - 12:10am
Emily

Ben does this so much better than Jezebel. Writing about gender essentialism and perfectly capturing these magazines -- while being funny instead of depressing or whiny -- is impressive. Jezebel is not so good at that.

Jul 22 10 - 2:38am
jill

oh ben, i think this column is so very good, despite my bitter jealousy for not thinking of it first.
jill
In Bed With Married Women
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

Jul 23 10 - 8:15am
grace

wait....what? I want the shoes...

Jul 23 10 - 5:56pm
Pop Culture Blows

"Yeast in the hops??!?!?!??" so apparently these mags know nothing about people or beer... Not to mention the kind of beer these folks are likely drinking. --or facialling with -- probably barely have any hops anyway...

Jul 25 10 - 3:12am
TenarGoha

Yeah, I agree with several posters that these magazines seem to have an obsession with combining sex with groceries. I once read a Cosmo tip that suggested that I go down on my man with cubes of jell-o in my mouth. I guess nothing gets a man in the mood like a woman jumping up to get the jell-o before a blowjob. And then getting melted jell-o all over his junk.

Also, the penis tan line thing: what. the fuck. Do you just stand there with your cock draped over her leg, waiting for the sun to make an imprint? I know it's summer and all but does anybody have THAT little to do with their time?

Jul 26 10 - 7:32am
Leo

OMFG. Have you ever put pure peppermint oil on your skin? It burns like hell! I could not even imagine putting it on a sensitive spot.

Jul 26 10 - 9:45am
yoopie

I tried the reverse twist bj thing on a guy this weekend, though, I was shitfaced and not completely sure I was doing it right and he went crazy.

Jul 27 10 - 1:38am
Seth

Ha! Do you think they collaborate to give the worst possible advice ever? It sounds like it's all one big joke. The only dating and sex advice I take is from my matchmaking guru, Richard Easton. Not from Men's Health.

Jul 27 10 - 5:10am
Anon

Who needs sex tips? Communication and actually saying what you like is all the sex tips you'll ever need.

Jul 27 10 - 2:10pm
Sarah

LOL at "My lips can't resist your delicious beer-flavored face." You know the writers and editors of these pieces of shit must get a good chuckle out of what they can get the masses to believe. I wouldn't be surprised if there was an office contest every month for who can come up with the most absurd piece of advice.

Jul 29 10 - 3:52pm
Sis

Beer and egg, smeared on my guys face. and I'm supposed to lick it off. raw egg. salmonella. hello. Nothing says "l love you" like holding my hair while I puke for 12 hours.

Aug 31 11 - 1:00pm
Zarya

This aritcle keeps it real, no doubt.