Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: June 2011

Maxim and Cosmopolitan arouse and bewilder.

By Ben Reininga

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

Cosmopolitan

Funny story: I was once approached by Cosmopolitan magazine to write a column for them. It was a "dude's-eye view" kind of thing, insight into what real men think about the women they date. Now, I am as real a dude as the next dude, I know lots of ladies, and I go out with them. It's just usually to places where they can feel really comfortable when they dance.

Anyway, the column "didn't take." (Funny enough, that's what Dad said when he took me to Mexico on my fifteen birthday... never mind.) And I stuck with the glamorous world of internet writing. But, I bring it up for a reason. Is there any chance that Cosmopolitan magazine is written entirely by cynical and dishonest gay men? Because that would actually explain everything — from the overuse of the word "sizzlin'" to the deep fear of female genitalia. Which makes more sense — that a powerful female magazine tycoon really decided to call her vagina a hoo-ha? Or that it was a gay freelancer writing from home in his pajamas?

Think about it.

"The Sexiest Spots to Touch Him During Sex"

Cosmo is many things, but at its core, it's a monthly collection of tips on how to touch a dick, all wrapped in a throbbingly lavender jacket. (Five points to Team Secret Gays.) This month's centerpiece features an extended analogy, comparing women's body parts to men's, with the implicit idea that it will help you understand them, and that understanding leads to better sex. Or, as mother always said, "To achieve sex-goddess status, you have to truly master his man bits."

  • "Think of his shaft... like the outer curve of your breast. ...Take his shaft between your open palms and tap it back and forth, almost like you're volleying a tennis ball. The quick movements are a fun way to wake up his nerves."

As the proud owner of a penis, I would like to say that "almost" in the this sentence should probably say "not at all." Please don't slap my penis in any way similar to the way you'd slap a tennis ball. Also, I was unaware that most women liked it when you "volleyed" their breasts from side to side. Pro-tip.

  • "Teasingly lick the sides of his shaft (think of a Popsicle)."

...then, have sex for real (and, I dunno, imagine someone's going to give you a brownie afterward).

  • "Think of his testicles... like your nipples. ...Rub the flat sides of your fingernails (not the edges!) against his scrotum. They're harder, smoother, and cooler than your fingertips, so it feels different."

I'd just like to point out that different isn't always good. Especially when we're talking about balls.

  • "Think of the base of his penis... like your pubic mound. When a guy takes a break from stroking your clitoris and rubs your pubic mound... it's a steamy treat."

Like that brownie!

  • "Make the tip of your tongue into a firm point, and trail it around the base. Since you usually focus on the top three-quarters of his package, he'll be surprised and aroused."

That's your mission, ladies: arouse and bewilder. Arouse and bewilder.

  • "Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base (imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."

Aaaand we're done. No man wrote that, gay or straight.

Commentarium (30 Comments)

Jun 18 11 - 1:23am
julian.

I love this segment.

Jun 21 11 - 6:14pm
Chris DeLine

cosign that!

Jun 21 11 - 10:59pm
Emily

Yes! So much!

Jun 18 11 - 1:57am
ricochet

And when you pull her head off your crotch she cries out "But Cosmo said..." at that moment it would be best to either leave, or tell her "Do want to know what parts Cosmo left out?"

Jun 18 11 - 12:16pm
WithAnInotAnE

This installment is particularly funny. I really hope Cosmo is written exclusively by snarky gay men. And the push his penis into his body move, hahaha.

Jun 18 11 - 1:12pm
huh

"For a real surprise, just as he's about to climax, tell him that you're 15 and your dad's a cop!" You wait, sooner or later, this will show up in one of their articles.

Jun 20 11 - 8:09pm
wow

genius hahahah

Jun 18 11 - 1:50pm
The Nerd

"We had really raunchy sex. I deftly tied him up in a traditional Karada bondage rope harness and suspended him from the ceiling. It was so unlike me..."

Jun 18 11 - 2:32pm
patricjames

HAH

Jun 18 11 - 2:44pm
Vinegar Bend

Cosmopolitan has been giving bad advice for over 40 years

Jun 18 11 - 8:14pm
Unin Formed

If it's all such bad advice, how come people have been buying the magazine for 40 years? Are they thinking the advice might improve over time?

Jun 19 11 - 8:51am
Spiffy Vagabond

Perhaps, even after 40 years, our dear ladies hope that the next guy won't run off after applying said sex advice...

Jun 19 11 - 10:53pm
racing hottie

no they buy it to see how stupid it can really get.lol

Jun 18 11 - 9:09pm
Annie

Every time I read these articles, I think of this: http://youtu.be/OTQnUTgLssI

Jun 20 11 - 5:18pm
Rutherford B. Hayes

"For the Pleasure of Your Man, Touch Him...Upon the Penis!" I remember that issue.

Jun 22 11 - 4:01pm
raco

"...kiss the small of his penis!"

Jun 18 11 - 9:31pm
CJM

Great subject matter, better treatment. Funny read.

Jun 19 11 - 9:09am
yes,it'smyrealname

Real women on Craigslist may be rare, but I have sspent some time on the site as a real.woman and my friend has had some successful dates. It is not all fembots.

Jun 19 11 - 6:59pm
phineas

Hilarious, good job!

Jun 20 11 - 12:46am
AndHow

Trail my tongue around the base!? And how exactly am I gonna do that without getting pubes stuck in my mouth??? Tis impossible!

Jun 20 11 - 10:31am
thinkywritey

If you can't deal with pubes, you have no business blowing anyone.

Jun 20 11 - 10:56pm
Doug in Seattle

Cmon people, these are the girlie equivalent of the Penthouse letters. Anyone with an IQ over 80 just enjoys them for the comic relief.

Jun 21 11 - 8:57pm
src

Now I'm intrigued by the "40 Best Man Cities" on the Maxim cover. What city doesn't have 'jobs', 'women', and 'steaks'?

Aug 25 12 - 3:43am
khamul

I can answer that question.
1) Silicon Valley. There's jobs and steaks there, but not very many women.
2) Anywhere in Alaska. There's some jobs there and surely steaks, but very, very few unattached women.

Jul 05 11 - 6:49pm
MM

Please keep writing this articles. I can't stop laughing.

Jul 05 11 - 6:49pm
MM

That should be 'these'. I'm not a spambot, I promise.

Aug 28 11 - 9:34pm
Ash

I hate reading Cosmo! Their "sex advice" is ridiculous! I remember reading one where it said to lick his eyelid and eyebrows. I don't really think that's a common turn on...that's just weird.

Aug 24 12 - 11:58am
Morgan

I can top that: I once read a tip in cosmo where it said to put both hands on his penis and then very quickly twist your hands in opposite directions. Because nothing says "sexy times" like giving him an Indian rug burn on his junk.

Sep 08 11 - 7:53pm
R

My boyfriend read the descriptions at the end and ran out of the room screaming. No joke.

Nov 21 11 - 4:13am
Eel

Smack-dab what I was lkonoig for-ty!