Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: June 2011

Maxim and Cosmopolitan arouse and bewilder.

By Ben Reininga

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

Cosmopolitan

Funny story: I was once approached by Cosmopolitan magazine to write a column for them. It was a "dude's-eye view" kind of thing, insight into what real men think about the women they date. Now, I am as real a dude as the next dude, I know lots of ladies, and I go out with them. It's just usually to places where they can feel really comfortable when they dance.

Anyway, the column "didn't take." (Funny enough, that's what Dad said when he took me to Mexico on my fifteen birthday... never mind.) And I stuck with the glamorous world of internet writing. But, I bring it up for a reason. Is there any chance that Cosmopolitan magazine is written entirely by cynical and dishonest gay men? Because that would actually explain everything — from the overuse of the word "sizzlin'" to the deep fear of female genitalia. Which makes more sense — that a powerful female magazine tycoon really decided to call her vagina a hoo-ha? Or that it was a gay freelancer writing from home in his pajamas?

Think about it.

"The Sexiest Spots to Touch Him During Sex"

Cosmo is many things, but at its core, it's a monthly collection of tips on how to touch a dick, all wrapped in a throbbingly lavender jacket. (Five points to Team Secret Gays.) This month's centerpiece features an extended analogy, comparing women's body parts to men's, with the implicit idea that it will help you understand them, and that understanding leads to better sex. Or, as mother always said, "To achieve sex-goddess status, you have to truly master his man bits."

• "Think of his shaft... like the outer curve of your breast. ...Take his shaft between your open palms and tap it back and forth, almost like you're volleying a tennis ball. The quick movements are a fun way to wake up his nerves."

As the proud owner of a penis, I would like to say that "almost" in the this sentence should probably say "not at all." Please don't slap my penis in any way similar to the way you'd slap a tennis ball. Also, I was unaware that most women liked it when you "volleyed" their breasts from side to side. Pro-tip.

• "Teasingly lick the sides of his shaft (think of a Popsicle)."

...then, have sex for real (and, I dunno, imagine someone's going to give you a brownie afterward).

• "Think of his testicles... like your nipples. ...Rub the flat sides of your fingernails (not the edges!) against his scrotum. They're harder, smoother, and cooler than your fingertips, so it feels different."

I'd just like to point out that different isn't always good. Especially when we're talking about balls.

• "Think of the base of his penis... like your pubic mound. When a guy takes a break from stroking your clitoris and rubs your pubic mound... it's a steamy treat."

Like that brownie!

• "Make the tip of your tongue into a firm point, and trail it around the base. Since you usually focus on the top three-quarters of his package, he'll be surprised and aroused."

That's your mission, ladies: arouse and bewilder. Arouse and bewilder.

• "Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base (imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."

Aaaand we're done. No man wrote that, gay or straight.