Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: June 2011
Maxim and Cosmopolitan arouse and bewilder.
Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.
Funny story: I was once approached by Cosmopolitan magazine to write a column for them. It was a "dude's-eye view" kind of thing, insight into what real men think about the women they date. Now, I am as real a dude as the next dude, I know lots of ladies, and I go out with them. It's just usually to places where they can feel really comfortable when they dance.
Anyway, the column "didn't take." (Funny enough, that's what Dad said when he took me to Mexico on my fifteen birthday… never mind.) And I stuck with the glamorous world of internet writing. But, I bring it up for a reason. Is there any chance that Cosmopolitan magazine is written entirely by cynical and dishonest gay men? Because that would actually explain everything — from the overuse of the word "sizzlin'" to the deep fear of female genitalia. Which makes more sense — that a powerful female magazine tycoon really decided to call her vagina a hoo-ha? Or that it was a gay freelancer writing from home in his pajamas?
Think about it.
"The Sexiest Spots to Touch Him During Sex"
Cosmo is many things, but at its core, it's a monthly collection of tips on how to touch a dick, all wrapped in a throbbingly lavender jacket. (Five points to Team Secret Gays.) This month's centerpiece features an extended analogy, comparing women's body parts to men's, with the implicit idea that it will help you understand them, and that understanding leads to better sex. Or, as mother always said, "To achieve sex-goddess status, you have to truly master his man bits."
- "Think of his shaft… like the outer curve of your breast. …Take his shaft between your open palms and tap it back and forth, almost like you're volleying a tennis ball. The quick movements are a fun way to wake up his nerves."
As the proud owner of a penis, I would like to say that "almost" in the this sentence should probably say "not at all." Please don't slap my penis in any way similar to the way you'd slap a tennis ball. Also, I was unaware that most women liked it when you "volleyed" their breasts from side to side. Pro-tip.
- "Teasingly lick the sides of his shaft (think of a Popsicle)."
…then, have sex for real (and, I dunno, imagine someone's going to give you a brownie afterward).
- "Think of his testicles… like your nipples. …Rub the flat sides of your fingernails (not the edges!) against his scrotum. They're harder, smoother, and cooler than your fingertips, so it feels different."
I'd just like to point out that different isn't always good. Especially when we're talking about balls.
- "Think of the base of his penis… like your pubic mound. When a guy takes a break from stroking your clitoris and rubs your pubic mound… it's a steamy treat."
Like that brownie!
- "Make the tip of your tongue into a firm point, and trail it around the base. Since you usually focus on the top three-quarters of his package, he'll be surprised and aroused."
That's your mission, ladies: arouse and bewilder. Arouse and bewilder.
- "Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base (imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."
Aaaand we're done. No man wrote that, gay or straight.
Speaking of real men, the guys down at Maxim are also back with some sex advice this month in an article called, "Go Out With a Bang." It's a sexual bucket list of sorts — with a sexy goal for each of the year's remaining seven months. "With the apocalypse upon us, there's only one thing left to do: everyone in sight!"
Ignore your third-grade grammar teacher, and come along with me. The article runs through a pretty standard list of sex-goals, laced with little hints of playful misogyny — "A man going to an orgy by himself is a little creepy, not to mention impolite. Never arrive at a party empty-handed!" — and misguided advice:
- "Cruise over to Craigslist's 'Casual Encounters' section and click on 'w4m' (perv-speak for 'women seeking men') to find headlines like 'I need a little slap and tickle.' All you have to do is respond."
Well, I wouldn't say that's all you have to do. Real women are rare on Craigslist, and they don't usually write headlines like that. The ones who are looking for a "slap and tickle" tend to also be looking for a "generou$ guy" or a plane ticket from Russia. Anyway, the bulk of the article is "real testimony" from "real women" — women in their early twenties, with all-American names, healthy sexual appetites, and a writing style surprisingly reminiscent of Letters to Penthouse. In fact, the bulk of the article reads like straight erotica:
- "…we snuck off to a side room, where I gave him a killer blowjob. By the time I was finished, there was a crowd of people watching, which had always been a huge fantasy of mine."
- "I ended up hooking up with a busty blonde while he enjoyed the show."
- "I took him home and told him exactly how I wanted him to do me."
- "We had really raunchy sex. He was smacking my ass and calling me a dirty slut. It was so unlike me…"
That last part is important. She's not really into dirty casual sex. (That would be gross.) She's just really into having it with you, big guy.
And here's where we leave it. The women's magazines are written by gay men pretending to be women, and the men's magazines are written by men pretending to be women who are very horny for men, which is how we know they aren't gay (not even a little bit) like the men at Cosmo. Did that leave you aroused? Bewildered? Me too.