Maxim

Speaking of real men, the guys down at Maxim are also back with some sex advice this month in an article called, "Go Out With a Bang." It's a sexual bucket list of sorts — with a sexy goal for each of the year's remaining seven months. "With the apocalypse upon us, there's only one thing left to do: everyone in sight!"

Ignore your third-grade grammar teacher, and come along with me. The article runs through a pretty standard list of sex-goals, laced with little hints of playful misogyny — "A man going to an orgy by himself is a little creepy, not to mention impolite. Never arrive at a party empty-handed!" — and misguided advice:

• "Cruise over to Craigslist's 'Casual Encounters' section and click on 'w4m' (perv-speak for 'women seeking men') to find headlines like 'I need a little slap and tickle.' All you have to do is respond."

Well, I wouldn't say that's all you have to do. Real women are rare on Craigslist, and they don't usually write headlines like that. The ones who are looking for a "slap and tickle" tend to also be looking for a "generou$ guy" or a plane ticket from Russia. Anyway, the bulk of the article is "real testimony" from "real women" — women in their early twenties, with all-American names, healthy sexual appetites, and a writing style surprisingly reminiscent of Letters to Penthouse. In fact, the bulk of the article reads like straight erotica:

• "...we snuck off to a side room, where I gave him a killer blowjob. By the time I was finished, there was a crowd of people watching, which had always been a huge fantasy of mine."
• "I ended up hooking up with a busty blonde while he enjoyed the show."
• "I took him home and told him exactly how I wanted him to do me."
• "We had really raunchy sex. He was smacking my ass and calling me a dirty slut. It was so unlike me..."

That last part is important. She's not really into dirty casual sex. (That would be gross.) She's just really into having it with you, big guy.

And here's where we leave it. The women's magazines are written by gay men pretending to be women, and the men's magazines are written by men pretending to be women who are very horny for men, which is how we know they aren't gay (not even a little bit) like the men at Cosmo. Did that leave you aroused? Bewildered? Me too.