Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.



My grandmother used to say that March comes "in like a lion, out like a lamb." I always pictured one of those drag queens who busts into your party all fierce and shit, but then takes off his wig and leaves dressed like Daryl from accounting.

But what she meant was that March is a fickle and difficult month. And, all nonsense aside, the magazine world seems to agree. This month, Men's Health and Cosmopolitan magazine are running their usual sex advice, but the prevailing theme is tumult. Relationships are ending, stagnant, or on the verge of collapse, and it's up to you to spice things up.

Commentarium (82 Comments)

Mar 24 11 - 1:38am
nope

Are you really sticking with the whole "spreading the article across 8 pages" thing? It's a pain.

Mar 24 11 - 2:27am
seconded

it truly is. 3 pages is my max for this series. please, stop with the 8 pages.

Mar 24 11 - 2:56am
thirded

I was kind of thinking that as I moved through the tabs. I believe I gave up after 3 as well.

Mar 24 11 - 6:55am
Fourthed

Agreed!

Mar 24 11 - 8:57am
Matt

Ditto. I'd stopped reading "the Week in Sex" articles because of this already. It's way easier to scroll (especially if you're using a 3G connection, it takes a second for everything to load, having to wait for 8 separate loads for a single article is not worth it).

Mar 24 11 - 12:26pm
JRB

Agreed!

Mar 24 11 - 1:09pm
PaulAnon3253

Please, please, come to 2011 with us and make it one page.

Mar 24 11 - 3:16pm
bnye

please please??

Mar 25 11 - 9:30am
k8

another vote for one page

Mar 26 11 - 3:46pm
rr

yes, please!

Mar 27 11 - 3:14pm
kag

1 page please :)

Mar 27 11 - 7:35pm
Dea

Yes please, one page!

Mar 29 11 - 6:39pm
jim

yes using this 8-pages to boost your hits is shameless and ugly
WOW

Mar 31 11 - 8:58pm
mbc

my internet connection is a bit tricky and it's way more difficult to load 8 pages then say... 1

Apr 01 11 - 1:06am
phil

but of course you can both charge more for and fit more ads at the top with multiple pages as opposed to 1

Apr 01 11 - 1:06am
phil

but of course you can both charge more for and fit more ads at the top with multiple pages as opposed to 1

Apr 01 11 - 1:06am
phil

but of course you can both charge more for and fit more ads at the top with multiple pages as opposed to 1

Apr 02 11 - 3:50pm
mr bass

How about Zero Pages? Save some electrons.

Apr 03 11 - 12:32am
vomitor

1 page because my computer lets me scroll.

Apr 20 11 - 10:54pm
DG

1 page because I freaking SAY SO.

Apr 30 11 - 11:13pm
Jeremy

whitewhine.com

Mar 24 11 - 9:01am
Fifthed

As a savvy modern consumer, I am offended by your attempts to make it look to your advertisers as though I am more deeply interested in your site than I actually am, and now have decided not to read this article. I expect more bang for my pageview!

Mar 24 11 - 10:27am
BenReininga

Sorry it's bugging you guys so much, but give me a little credit! I actually changed the format of this piece because I thought it was a better reader experience - and it gave us the chance to stick in more images from the magazines.

Pageviews really didn't come into it (although, I must admit, I do enjoy the luscious millions that your every click brings me! )

Mar 24 11 - 2:05pm
CC

Here's the thing.. if i wanted to see the pretty pictures from the magazine, I'd go out and buy the bloody magazine, friend.

Mar 25 11 - 6:16am
Junkyard

Oh hey - you might be interested to know that you can use more than on IMG tag on the same page!

Mar 27 11 - 8:48pm
ZW

I liked the content, although I agree that the other format is better.

Mar 24 11 - 10:04am
Alex

oh shut up and click a button!

Watch this clip, Louis CK is talking about all the people above me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk

Mar 24 11 - 2:13pm
Phee

THANK YOU Alex! What a bunch of entitled whiners above. Wah, I don't wanna click thru 8 pages, wah! Sheesh people.

Mar 25 11 - 9:10am
Reed Braden

I was thinking the same thing! What a bunch of self-important brats! I enjoyed the format of the article. And to tell you the truth, I probably wouldn't have read the whole thing if it was just another boring column of text like what you can find on every other friggin' site out there.

I guess the "milking pageviews" thing is sort-of, maybe a valid complaint to some paranoid lunatics who think that every time they have to see an ad Satan bangs their grandmother in Hell, but every single browser that's worth its weight in code has some kind of ad-block extension. I didn't see a single ad although Nerve probably made the same amount of ad revenue off my visit, which is what's known as a win-win situation. I don't know where these whining morons found a "lose" in there.

Mar 25 11 - 9:12am
Reed Braden

You could appease the complainers by using JS or Flash to have the 8 pages on one html page, but then they would complain about whichever new block of code you would have to introduce to the page. Just ignore the self-aggrandized loons. They're just looking to complain about anything and everything.

Mar 26 11 - 1:08am
Hayley

Uh, no, the pages really are a pain in the a**. It's like trying to read a magazine, but every paragraph is on it's own page, and it takes 15 seconds to flip the page over. This is one of those times where new technology is less convenient than the old. If you want it to be a slideshow, embed a real slideshow.

Apr 20 11 - 10:56pm
DG

If these articles were longer and more text were on each page, then I wouldn't have a problem with the different pages. But when it takes more time for the next page to load than to absorb the content on that page, it seems a little ridiculous.

Mar 24 11 - 11:57am
Gazbo

Any man who cannot find a woman's ass through a cotton nightie should return his testicles.

Mar 26 11 - 11:11am
Lilu

Ahahahahah!!
I concur.

Mar 24 11 - 1:23pm
Jill

Agreed about too many pages here. I like to read this at work while I eat my lunch! Sometimes I have pizza and I look for articles with minimal clicking to enjoy as I consume my tasty pizza! Are you trying to force me to get my mouse greasy?

Mar 24 11 - 2:21pm
Ey

Ha! This is probably the funniest one yet. Page 5. Good stuff.

Mar 24 11 - 2:25pm
Tick

WTF is with food and sex and these magazines? I blame them for my high school boyfriend trying to insert a tangerine segment into my lady parts. I smacked it away and asked him why he loved giving me yeast infections. He was horridly embarrassed. Why is this lie still perpetuated? Food and sex can be sexy if it is something that spontaneously evolves and is something you feel into at the moment. Otherwise, you get tangerine pussy.

Mar 25 11 - 1:38pm
JM

Best Nerve comment in ages.

Mar 25 11 - 11:21pm
Patric

Hah tangerine pussy

Mar 24 11 - 5:06pm
robert paulsen

Thank god they got PhDs to throw their weigh behind such tips as "greet your man wearing nothing but pigtails and his favorite baseball hat"

Mar 26 11 - 11:15am
Lilu

So I'll confess, I actually bought and read some of this months Cosmo. I swear, the tips from the PhD people are 20x sketchier than the random anecdotal stuff...

Mar 24 11 - 10:19pm
fifthed

super annoying

Mar 25 11 - 12:50am
sarah

Page 5 is absurd. I'll be the annoying person you all might think is a prude, and say that no SANE woman is worried about what she's wearing to bed to SLEEP in. If I wanna seduce my man, I can wear lacy underwear and a cute see-through bra, or nothing at all, just to leave it at that. But if we're just going to sleep, we have work or classes in the morning, whatever, then we're not gonna be worried about sexy-time, and I'm not wearing a bra and lacy number to bed. I'm gonna wear a tank top and shorts to bed, and if he's in the mood, which won't be HARD to tell, then we'll go from there. Sex doesn't always have to be planned or premeditated. In my opinion, spontaneous is much better. I don't want to have to worry about how cute I look going to bed. Chances are, if the guy is in bed with you, he already finds you attractive, and you don't NEED to go any further.

Mar 25 11 - 5:17pm
Amen

How demoralizing is it to have these lines spewed at women? Oh yes, if you wear a cotton nightgown, you are doomed to fail. That's such an insult to womens' independence altogether. If a guy breaks up with you over a cotton nightgown, you're better off without him anyway.

Mar 25 11 - 12:53am
sarah

And by the way, STOP BEING LAZY you twats! It's 8 pages. You CLEARLY have all the time in the world if you're on this page. Stop complaining about the 8 pages. If you happened upon this page, you either WANTED to read this or you're desperate enough that you need help. Read the 8 pages, and learn something from it. I know I did; not all men really are men. Quit being babies and read the damn article.

Mar 25 11 - 9:33am
k8

what an ashole

Mar 25 11 - 9:34am
k8

asssssshole - sorry

Mar 25 11 - 2:33am
Alex

Fuck off with the 8 pages, im not an idiot, i know u do it to maximize your web hits. Lame.

Mar 25 11 - 2:15pm
mike a thon

Saw 8 pages and didn't bother staying....like it or not, lazy or not, this is the reality. 3 paragraphs??? no thanks

Mar 25 11 - 3:41pm
Phee

And yet you 'bothered' to write a reply in the comments. Irony, party of one, your table is ready. Uh-May-Zing.

Apr 20 11 - 10:58pm
DG

we are expressing our disgruntlement as readers! we assume Nerve wants us to have the best internet b.s. article reading experience EVER so we assume perhaps they will hear our CRIES!

Mar 25 11 - 6:10pm
CindyHo

This is meant to be a gallery... so perhaps it is the design that is not communicating this, which is a good thing to know.

Apr 20 11 - 11:00pm
DG

But the pictures in galleries are usually more interesting. Not tryin' to hate, but you really aren't communicating that experience at all. I like this feature a lot! Just not when it's formatted this way. I think it works fine with the other features you use it on.

Mar 25 11 - 9:51pm
Scott Mildew

I can only speak from experience: on a cold winter's night in Massachusetts, with the snowy wind howling outside your dorm window, seeing a young woman you love in a Lanz flannel nightgown can be plenty exciting. More so than some tawdry push-up polyester teddie from Victoria's Secret, let me tell you.

Mar 26 11 - 11:17am
Lilu

This makes me smile.

Mar 26 11 - 9:49am
whattt

Men's Health gave the worst advice ever. Scary bad.

Mar 27 11 - 12:11am
Betsy

I guess I'll be the only person to say I liked having it in 8 pages.

Mar 27 11 - 10:31am
Me

I stopped @ page 4.

Mar 27 11 - 7:57pm
Vinegar Bend

Cosmopolitan has been ruining relationships between men and women for about 50 years.,

Mar 28 11 - 6:14pm
JFX

It really is completely absurd, the shit they preach.

Mar 28 11 - 10:35pm
Mel

Cosmo advice in a nutshell:

Flirt with other people
Use your tongue (But not for talking!)
Grab his junk in public
Wander around naked

Mar 29 11 - 12:49am
Amanda

I liked having it in 8 pages as well. Quit bitching. Christ.

Mar 30 11 - 8:24pm
RRER

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Mar 30 11 - 9:44pm
no

same like the format now w 8 pages

Apr 01 11 - 11:33pm
jill

Ben,
What's good about these is your writing, not their stupid trite pictures. The excessive clicking (yes, it IS arduous--so what, I'm lazy and have a slow-ass computer) through the pix just slow things down from reaching the "pleasure point" that are your words. Now excuse me as I must find the source of that buzzing noise I hear...
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

Apr 07 11 - 1:05am
JT

google personal blocklist.

Use it, and destroy these "spread content thinly over 8 pages" motherfuckers.

Intentionally ruin my browsing experience to make a quick buck?

You don't get a second chance. :)

Apr 20 11 - 11:01pm
DG

Whatever Men's Health, I just sleep naked and call it good.

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Jun 30 12 - 11:19pm
Joe G

A lot of this advice is ridiculous, but the spirit of sexual aggressiveness and adventurousness that these magazines extol is healthy. Why shouldn't a woman surreptitiously cop a feel in public, or lick her man's ear and blow on it? I'm all for that and so should anyone with a healthy sexuality.

"Ew, that's icky! It's not respectful!" That's basically what I'm hearing as the subtext of your ridicule.

Let's face it, grown-ups.... we're basically a bunch of monkeys with a higher reasoning module. Good sex is largely a matter of getting in touch with that inner monkey. You have to tear the thinking cap off and fuck like an animal. Try it.

I'm not defending these supermarket checkout rags... and a lot of this stuff is preposterous... but if you want to improve your sex life you really ought to push the boundaries and get in touch with your inner freak. I speak from experience... I was tentative and sheepish for years. Now I'm not, and my girlfiend and I are having two hour romps every single day, and still can't seem to get enough of each other.

Your ridicule is funny and often very well-aimed, but it also strikes me as more than a little repressed... I know you're going to be incensed by my saying so, but I have the strong intuition that you're having boring sex, and at some level you know it and resent it.