Maxim

On the other side of things, we have Maxim. I've never been to the Maxim offices (they actually have a moat!), but I’m willing to bet it's a bunch of Yale-grads swimming in bathtubs of money and having circle jerks in the no-homo room. This month, we've got:

“Sexting school: Bone up, Gents”

And what’s better than the invective “Bone up!” As in, “Bone up baby, it’s my birthday!” So much more colloquial than “Arouse thyself!”

"Last year the term sexting was added to the dictionary, so why not heat up the springtime by introducing it to your smartphone? In an age when a Facebook poke can equal foreplay, a sext can get downright kinky. Yes, more than a few high-profilfe wieners (not to mention Wieners) have shown that this hobby can be hazardous to your career, but don't let that deter you ― woman want it!" 

Cautionary tales abound, but ignore them. Women demand sexy texting. It's to the teens like chest-hair waxing was to the aughts. Like khakis and the nineties! In all seriousness, I don't know anyone who sexts, and I've certainly never heard a good sexting story to counter the cautionary tales ("Last year, she was just the girl I sent dick pics to, and now she's going to be my lady wife!"). In fact, I'm pretty sure that Cosmo invented sexting in some sort of Faustian deal with Steve Jobs... but, onwards!

"The first dirty text is always the hardest part.... So make sure to tantalize the power of memory”... says Jane, 26: "So when my boyfriend and I are texting late at night and he starts recounting dirty memories, I get so aroused! He'll start by telling me how hard he got while undressing me, then get to how hot my wet pussy felt sliding against him..." 

I'm legitimately unsure as to whether this article is supposed to be teaching me how to sext my girlfriend or if it's actually trying to sext me. 

"Don't feel like you need to sound like a porn star. Most women say they want their guys to sound natural."

Natural, exactly unlike any of the quotes in this article. And also, “But baby, my magic wand is gonna make you feel super-natural.”

"I would usually meet my boyfriend after seven o'clock class," says Sophia, 21. "But one night my phone kept vibrating with texts about how horny he was and how the only thing he really wanted to do was fuck me in the backseat of his car. We skipped dinner that night." 

In sexting, like journalism, context is everything. I'm glad things worked out for those love birds; I really am. But blowing up your lady friend's phone with a bunch of texts about how crazy DTF you are while she's in class can just as easily end in a "watch sum porno b4 dinnz lol." Or a restraining order. 

"Good news: Girls are as turned on by taking pictures as you guys are from receiving them. "I get really aroused when my boyfriend asks me to take a pic of myself while I'm out somewhere unexpected, like out shopping or at a restaurant." 

And who am I to deny Karen, twenty-one, her illicit thrills? I do truly believe there are ladies like Karen who get a kick out of taking sexy photos. But there's also something a little suspicious about a men's magazine hiring a bunch of fake women to tell men that women are actually super turned-on by taking pictures of their lady-bits. 

But do let us know, sexters of the world, and check back next month, for whatever new fake thing all the nubile twentysomething women of the world are doing!  

Are you undercover at Cosmo and desirous of a Maxim intern to share war stories with? Try Nerve Dating.