And then lick it off...

"This weekend, take her to the grocery store to buy ingredients for a great dinner. Also pick up food specifically earmarked as body paint."

Just as a final warning, no food at a grocery store is specifically earmarked as body paint. In fact, if you look on a bottle of Hershey's Syrup, there's an FDA warning that says, "For Oral Ingestion Only. This Product Is Not Intended to Revitalize Your Sex Life, Whatever Men's Health and Cosmopolitan Say About It Every Month." Or at least, there should be.

Commentarium (82 Comments)

Mar 24 11 - 1:38am

Are you really sticking with the whole "spreading the article across 8 pages" thing? It's a pain.

Mar 24 11 - 2:27am

it truly is. 3 pages is my max for this series. please, stop with the 8 pages.

Mar 24 11 - 2:56am

I was kind of thinking that as I moved through the tabs. I believe I gave up after 3 as well.

Mar 24 11 - 6:55am


Mar 24 11 - 8:57am

Ditto. I'd stopped reading "the Week in Sex" articles because of this already. It's way easier to scroll (especially if you're using a 3G connection, it takes a second for everything to load, having to wait for 8 separate loads for a single article is not worth it).

Mar 24 11 - 12:26pm


Mar 24 11 - 1:09pm

Please, please, come to 2011 with us and make it one page.

Mar 24 11 - 3:16pm

please please??

Mar 25 11 - 9:30am

another vote for one page

Mar 26 11 - 3:46pm

yes, please!

Mar 27 11 - 3:14pm

1 page please :)

Mar 27 11 - 7:35pm

Yes please, one page!

Mar 29 11 - 6:39pm

yes using this 8-pages to boost your hits is shameless and ugly

Mar 31 11 - 8:58pm

my internet connection is a bit tricky and it's way more difficult to load 8 pages then say... 1

Apr 01 11 - 1:06am

but of course you can both charge more for and fit more ads at the top with multiple pages as opposed to 1

Apr 01 11 - 1:06am

but of course you can both charge more for and fit more ads at the top with multiple pages as opposed to 1

Apr 01 11 - 1:06am

but of course you can both charge more for and fit more ads at the top with multiple pages as opposed to 1

Apr 02 11 - 3:50pm
mr bass

How about Zero Pages? Save some electrons.

Apr 03 11 - 12:32am

1 page because my computer lets me scroll.

Apr 20 11 - 10:54pm

1 page because I freaking SAY SO.

Apr 30 11 - 11:13pm

Mar 24 11 - 9:01am

As a savvy modern consumer, I am offended by your attempts to make it look to your advertisers as though I am more deeply interested in your site than I actually am, and now have decided not to read this article. I expect more bang for my pageview!

Mar 24 11 - 10:27am

Sorry it's bugging you guys so much, but give me a little credit! I actually changed the format of this piece because I thought it was a better reader experience - and it gave us the chance to stick in more images from the magazines.

Pageviews really didn't come into it (although, I must admit, I do enjoy the luscious millions that your every click brings me! )

Mar 24 11 - 2:05pm

Here's the thing.. if i wanted to see the pretty pictures from the magazine, I'd go out and buy the bloody magazine, friend.

Mar 25 11 - 6:16am

Oh hey - you might be interested to know that you can use more than on IMG tag on the same page!

Mar 27 11 - 8:48pm

I liked the content, although I agree that the other format is better.

Mar 24 11 - 10:04am

oh shut up and click a button!

Watch this clip, Louis CK is talking about all the people above me.

Mar 24 11 - 2:13pm

THANK YOU Alex! What a bunch of entitled whiners above. Wah, I don't wanna click thru 8 pages, wah! Sheesh people.

Mar 25 11 - 9:10am
Reed Braden

I was thinking the same thing! What a bunch of self-important brats! I enjoyed the format of the article. And to tell you the truth, I probably wouldn't have read the whole thing if it was just another boring column of text like what you can find on every other friggin' site out there.

I guess the "milking pageviews" thing is sort-of, maybe a valid complaint to some paranoid lunatics who think that every time they have to see an ad Satan bangs their grandmother in Hell, but every single browser that's worth its weight in code has some kind of ad-block extension. I didn't see a single ad although Nerve probably made the same amount of ad revenue off my visit, which is what's known as a win-win situation. I don't know where these whining morons found a "lose" in there.

Mar 25 11 - 9:12am
Reed Braden

You could appease the complainers by using JS or Flash to have the 8 pages on one html page, but then they would complain about whichever new block of code you would have to introduce to the page. Just ignore the self-aggrandized loons. They're just looking to complain about anything and everything.

Mar 26 11 - 1:08am

Uh, no, the pages really are a pain in the a**. It's like trying to read a magazine, but every paragraph is on it's own page, and it takes 15 seconds to flip the page over. This is one of those times where new technology is less convenient than the old. If you want it to be a slideshow, embed a real slideshow.

Apr 20 11 - 10:56pm

If these articles were longer and more text were on each page, then I wouldn't have a problem with the different pages. But when it takes more time for the next page to load than to absorb the content on that page, it seems a little ridiculous.

Mar 24 11 - 11:57am

Any man who cannot find a woman's ass through a cotton nightie should return his testicles.

Mar 26 11 - 11:11am

I concur.

Mar 24 11 - 1:23pm

Agreed about too many pages here. I like to read this at work while I eat my lunch! Sometimes I have pizza and I look for articles with minimal clicking to enjoy as I consume my tasty pizza! Are you trying to force me to get my mouse greasy?

Mar 24 11 - 2:21pm

Ha! This is probably the funniest one yet. Page 5. Good stuff.

Mar 24 11 - 2:25pm

WTF is with food and sex and these magazines? I blame them for my high school boyfriend trying to insert a tangerine segment into my lady parts. I smacked it away and asked him why he loved giving me yeast infections. He was horridly embarrassed. Why is this lie still perpetuated? Food and sex can be sexy if it is something that spontaneously evolves and is something you feel into at the moment. Otherwise, you get tangerine pussy.

Mar 25 11 - 1:38pm

Best Nerve comment in ages.

Mar 25 11 - 11:21pm

Hah tangerine pussy

Mar 24 11 - 5:06pm
robert paulsen

Thank god they got PhDs to throw their weigh behind such tips as "greet your man wearing nothing but pigtails and his favorite baseball hat"

Mar 26 11 - 11:15am

So I'll confess, I actually bought and read some of this months Cosmo. I swear, the tips from the PhD people are 20x sketchier than the random anecdotal stuff...

Mar 24 11 - 10:19pm

super annoying

Mar 25 11 - 12:50am

Page 5 is absurd. I'll be the annoying person you all might think is a prude, and say that no SANE woman is worried about what she's wearing to bed to SLEEP in. If I wanna seduce my man, I can wear lacy underwear and a cute see-through bra, or nothing at all, just to leave it at that. But if we're just going to sleep, we have work or classes in the morning, whatever, then we're not gonna be worried about sexy-time, and I'm not wearing a bra and lacy number to bed. I'm gonna wear a tank top and shorts to bed, and if he's in the mood, which won't be HARD to tell, then we'll go from there. Sex doesn't always have to be planned or premeditated. In my opinion, spontaneous is much better. I don't want to have to worry about how cute I look going to bed. Chances are, if the guy is in bed with you, he already finds you attractive, and you don't NEED to go any further.

Mar 25 11 - 5:17pm

How demoralizing is it to have these lines spewed at women? Oh yes, if you wear a cotton nightgown, you are doomed to fail. That's such an insult to womens' independence altogether. If a guy breaks up with you over a cotton nightgown, you're better off without him anyway.

Mar 25 11 - 12:53am

And by the way, STOP BEING LAZY you twats! It's 8 pages. You CLEARLY have all the time in the world if you're on this page. Stop complaining about the 8 pages. If you happened upon this page, you either WANTED to read this or you're desperate enough that you need help. Read the 8 pages, and learn something from it. I know I did; not all men really are men. Quit being babies and read the damn article.

Mar 25 11 - 9:33am

what an ashole

Mar 25 11 - 9:34am

asssssshole - sorry

Mar 25 11 - 2:33am

Fuck off with the 8 pages, im not an idiot, i know u do it to maximize your web hits. Lame.

Mar 25 11 - 2:15pm
mike a thon

Saw 8 pages and didn't bother it or not, lazy or not, this is the reality. 3 paragraphs??? no thanks

Mar 25 11 - 3:41pm

And yet you 'bothered' to write a reply in the comments. Irony, party of one, your table is ready. Uh-May-Zing.

Apr 20 11 - 10:58pm

we are expressing our disgruntlement as readers! we assume Nerve wants us to have the best internet b.s. article reading experience EVER so we assume perhaps they will hear our CRIES!

Mar 25 11 - 6:10pm

This is meant to be a gallery... so perhaps it is the design that is not communicating this, which is a good thing to know.

Apr 20 11 - 11:00pm

But the pictures in galleries are usually more interesting. Not tryin' to hate, but you really aren't communicating that experience at all. I like this feature a lot! Just not when it's formatted this way. I think it works fine with the other features you use it on.

Mar 25 11 - 9:51pm
Scott Mildew

I can only speak from experience: on a cold winter's night in Massachusetts, with the snowy wind howling outside your dorm window, seeing a young woman you love in a Lanz flannel nightgown can be plenty exciting. More so than some tawdry push-up polyester teddie from Victoria's Secret, let me tell you.

Mar 26 11 - 11:17am

This makes me smile.

Mar 26 11 - 9:49am

Men's Health gave the worst advice ever. Scary bad.

Mar 27 11 - 12:11am

I guess I'll be the only person to say I liked having it in 8 pages.

Mar 27 11 - 10:31am

I stopped @ page 4.

Mar 27 11 - 7:57pm
Vinegar Bend

Cosmopolitan has been ruining relationships between men and women for about 50 years.,

Mar 28 11 - 6:14pm

It really is completely absurd, the shit they preach.

Mar 28 11 - 10:35pm

Cosmo advice in a nutshell:

Flirt with other people
Use your tongue (But not for talking!)
Grab his junk in public
Wander around naked

Mar 29 11 - 12:49am

I liked having it in 8 pages as well. Quit bitching. Christ.

Mar 30 11 - 8:24pm


Mar 30 11 - 9:44pm

same like the format now w 8 pages

Apr 01 11 - 11:33pm

What's good about these is your writing, not their stupid trite pictures. The excessive clicking (yes, it IS arduous--so what, I'm lazy and have a slow-ass computer) through the pix just slow things down from reaching the "pleasure point" that are your words. Now excuse me as I must find the source of that buzzing noise I hear...

Apr 07 11 - 1:05am

google personal blocklist.

Use it, and destroy these "spread content thinly over 8 pages" motherfuckers.

Intentionally ruin my browsing experience to make a quick buck?

You don't get a second chance. :)

Apr 20 11 - 11:01pm

Whatever Men's Health, I just sleep naked and call it good.

Jun 12 11 - 9:36am

And I thought I was the sensible one. Thanks for setting me starihgt.

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Jun 30 12 - 11:19pm
Joe G

A lot of this advice is ridiculous, but the spirit of sexual aggressiveness and adventurousness that these magazines extol is healthy. Why shouldn't a woman surreptitiously cop a feel in public, or lick her man's ear and blow on it? I'm all for that and so should anyone with a healthy sexuality.

"Ew, that's icky! It's not respectful!" That's basically what I'm hearing as the subtext of your ridicule.

Let's face it, grown-ups.... we're basically a bunch of monkeys with a higher reasoning module. Good sex is largely a matter of getting in touch with that inner monkey. You have to tear the thinking cap off and fuck like an animal. Try it.

I'm not defending these supermarket checkout rags... and a lot of this stuff is preposterous... but if you want to improve your sex life you really ought to push the boundaries and get in touch with your inner freak. I speak from experience... I was tentative and sheepish for years. Now I'm not, and my girlfiend and I are having two hour romps every single day, and still can't seem to get enough of each other.

Your ridicule is funny and often very well-aimed, but it also strikes me as more than a little repressed... I know you're going to be incensed by my saying so, but I have the strong intuition that you're having boring sex, and at some level you know it and resent it.