Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: May

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This month: Cosmo and Men's Health give you an F in Bedroom 101.

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

It's May, and that means school is out and summer is upon us. Without the pencils and the books, what on earth are you going to do with yourself? Well, your favorite men's and women's magazines think you should enroll in a course of a different kind. No, they don't mean a computer course, you stupid prude —  they mean an intercourse. That's right, sex!

In the words of Cosmo, "You don't need to bazooka the Serta to bring out his ballsy side and make your sex life explosive." If we had the faintest idea what that meant, we're sure we'd agree. Suffice to say that sex — like figurative language — can be wacky, complicated, and downright hard to master. Whip out your pencils, kids, and get ready for some sexy learning with the help of your favorite men's and women's magazines: Cosmopolitan and Men's Health.

Cosmopolitan: "Don't forget to moan"

This month, Cosmo is very goal-oriented. That's right, it's all about the Big O. (Your orgasm, not Oprah.) In the words of the writers, "Triggering your orgasm can seem like a major project." In an article called "The World's Best Orgasm Tricks," said project is broken down into an easy 1500 words, two infographics, and approximately 127 childish euphemisms for body parts. We never said it was going to be easy. Cosmo's proposed steps are as follows:

1) Turn "up the volume on your moans." Say "things like, 'Omigod, right there feels so good.'"

2) "[Pulling] him toward you for a steamy kiss, use your tongue to demonstrate to him what you would like him to do to your hoo-ha." If he has trouble getting procedural information from your tongue, simply direct his attention to "your ta-tas." (They're located directly above your hoo-ha.)

3) "Don't forget to bust out the positive reinforcement: telling him how good it feels, moaning and groaning, and gently tugging on his hair."

4) Now, once "he's between your legs…frame your clitoris by making a V with your index and middle fingers. Angle your body towards his face… then scoot back. Swivel your hips up and down or side to side." Christ, this really is a major project!

5) "Say, 'Ooh, keep doing that.'"

6) Repeat something aloud "to stay mentally focused. A string of sexy yes, yes, yes's or a moaning a phrase like 'I'm gonna come' over and over." Don't forget your mantra!

If you finally make it to the finish line, do not relax! "Recapping is a key step;" do it quickly, while everything is still fresh in your mind. If a verbal recap doesn't "tattoo these moves into his brain," maybe try a PowerPoint presentation. Just do your best to ensure that your sexual encounter contains absolutely no spontaneity or playfulness. This is a complicated matter, and something could go wrong.

Men's Health: “Jumpstart her arousal system”

This month's Men's Health is packed with more doctors than a university library. And they're not those fake "doctor of poetry" doctors either. They're real science doctors who run real-sounding institutes like The Smell & Taste Foundation. Advice straight from the halls of medicine:

1) Before sex, go for a run, which "will raise her dopamine levels, easing her anxieties." (That's a good thing, since we know she's got a lot to remember tonight. )

2) Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections." But don't shower off. "Your post-run sweat has androstadienone… that spikes her arousal when she smells it." Mmm, androstadienone.

3) Eat some chocolate — it's caffeinated and so "can jolt the sex drive." Oh, and it's packed with phenylethylamine, which can "activate the brain's pleasure centers." Activate me, doctor!

4) She's got her dopamine and her androstadienone; you're bursting with zinc, caffeine, and spunk. What could possibly be missing? Orange juice. "Vitamin C boosts your adrenaline" and "the citrus will jumpstart her arousal system." Just drink it quickly, because she's about to start moaning, and once she does, she'll never stop.

Bonus Tips: Ever wanted a fun, DIY way to stencil a goofy shape into your pubic hair? This month Cosmo helpfully includes a page of punch-out stencils for home bikini waxing. Seriously.

Bonus tips

Even with all this instruction, something could still go wrong. Fortunately, the mags have got your back.

1) What happens if you're out of lube? Cosmo suggests, "Mix 1 tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit." (They don't really explain if you're supposed to whisk it together in a bowl in the kitchen, or if you should just hock a loogie onto his junk, then reach for your measuring spoons.)

2) What if your vibrator is out of batteries? Cosmo suggests using "your electric toothbrush" or "your iPhone." There's an app for that. Men's Health, on the other hand, would have her "kneel on the end of the bed with her upper chest touching the mattress, while you stand behind her." Why? Because "it elongates the vaginal barrel." Um, score! You probably didn't even know that vaginas had barrels.

3) Finally, what if you have a nosey roommate? Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex. "If they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie." This will also create a relaxed ambiance.

And that, boys and girls, will do it for today's lesson. Enjoy your summer, and be sure to remember that a happy sex life — like anything else — takes dedication, hard work, and a lot of vitamin C. And study up! Your favorite magazines will be back next month, and there might be a quiz.


Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: April Edition – Cosmo and Men's Health get fruity.
Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: March Edition – Maxim and Cosmo on cheating.
Sex Advice from Magic: The Gathering Players