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Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: May 2011

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Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: May

Maxim and Cosmo help you make bad decisions.

Each month, like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

Cosmopolitan

"The Extended Male Orgasm"

This month, Cosmo takes on territory usually left to the men's magazines: sexy science. Or, they purport to. The idea is that men usually have crappy five-second orgasms, but with the right combination of technology, technique, and pluck, you can "treat your guy to six times his bliss," with a thirty-second orgasm. Sounds cool, right? Here's how you're supposed to do it:

  • "When you get home from work, take off your bra in the car before you go inside. That way, the first thing he'll see is a teasing glimpse of your girls."

Yes, this is actually the reported first step towards a thirty-second orgasm. When you get inside, drop a pencil, fall to your hands and knees, and crawl across the floor towards him to pick it up. Then, I guess, go back out to the car, put your bra back on, and ask him about his day. (Because you know what's great? Spontaneity.)

  • "As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you."

That's not X-rated. It's PG-13, unless you actually mean it the way it sounds — like, "I am going to slaughter you like a hog and then feast on your flesh." In that case, it is X-rated, much like the director's cut of Saw IV.

  • "Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, 'Wanna hear me do this tonight?'"

Better idea, don't. He'll get fired. Unless by "solo session," they mean like "I'm at the studio recording a solo album," and by "this" you mean "practice our freestyling together." Otherwise, you're sexting. In either case, after you've completed Operation Arouse and Bewilder, you actually get to bone:

  • "To ensure that amazing ending, you need to keep him in an arousing holding pattern. The key is to bring him to the brink of climax repeatedly and then slow down."

This isn't terrible advice. It can actually be kind of fun. Unless you try to do it like this:

  • "As he's getting close, lightly tug his balls down — it delays his orgasm. If you want to speed him up, cup his boys and push them up toward his penis… Repeatedly press his perineum (the spot between his balls and butt)… It's like a start/stop button for his climax — touch him there to speed him up, then release to slow back down."

Granted, the male orgasm is a good deal simpler than the female. But, uh, there aren't on/off buttons. Any more than your nipples are the push-start button for a key-less orgasm car… which actually sounds a lot like something Cosmo would say. In keeping with things Cosmo would say, they've include a side bar called, "Warning, you've teased him too much if…"

  • "His idea of dirty talk is 'Oh, baby, stop. Please. Just. Stop.'"
  •  "He starts role-playing as a cop and says, 'Lady, put your hands up and step away from my penis.'"

I know, I know, they're meant in jest. But isn't it still great, in a magazine all about anxiety (you, reading this, you have the fattest cuticles I've ever seen), to just hint at the idea that you might be fucking up? The nagging doubt that you might be doing it terribly wrong motivates lots of great sex, right?  

Maxim

Man, Maxim so rarely has actual sex advice, I forget what a treat it is. It's what my colleagues in the making-fun-of-other-people's-sex-tips industry (we were all students together at Glass House University) call The Racist New Girl. You know, offensive but easy. This month, they bring us "Enter At Your Own Risk," a how-to guide for sleeping with women who are off-limits to you.

  • "The Girl: Your GF's Sister… The guilt factor in destroying a blood bond could be major."

But, I mean, don't let that stop you!

  • "Younger siblings tend to have a chip on their shoulder from years of being compared to big sis, so tell her how smart, pretty, or funny she is and she might reward you. Or she just might be a psycho, in which case you won't have to do much work at all."

The low self-esteem of people who are younger than you: hot.

  • "The Girl: Your Intern. Hooking up with a colleague isn't that unusual these days, but it's much riskier when she's a subordinate. Women are seriously attracted to men in a position of power."

Not only is that cliche apparently still running around, but they'll actually feel validated:

  • "The potential for scandal is actually a turn-on for a lot of women… For some women, 'that her boss had chosen her felt like approval for a job well done.'"

What's the point of having power, if you're not going to abuse it, I guess? Also, is it hard for anyone else to imagine that the guys reading this magazine are old enough have "subordinates?"

  • "The Girl: Your Best Friend's Ex. If she's upset about being newly single, nothing says 'screw you' to her ex like screwing his buddy… So be her shoulder to cry on. He was selfish? You love giving foot rubs!"

Man. It's so easy to get laid in a world where girls have so much to be upset about. Seriously, the challenges a woman faces are basically just a free-ticket to pussy town…

In any case, if none of those tips work, just remember this pro-tip from the current issue of our old stand-by, Men's Health Magazine, courtesy of Tierney Lorenz of UT Austin: "Penises are sexy to women."