Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: May

Maxim and Cosmo help you make bad decisions.

By Ben Reininga

Each month, like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

Cosmopolitan

"The Extended Male Orgasm"

This month, Cosmo takes on territory usually left to the men's magazines: sexy science. Or, they purport to. The idea is that men usually have crappy five-second orgasms, but with the right combination of technology, technique, and pluck, you can "treat your guy to six times his bliss," with a thirty-second orgasm. Sounds cool, right? Here's how you're supposed to do it:

  • "When you get home from work, take off your bra in the car before you go inside. That way, the first thing he'll see is a teasing glimpse of your girls."

Yes, this is actually the reported first step towards a thirty-second orgasm. When you get inside, drop a pencil, fall to your hands and knees, and crawl across the floor towards him to pick it up. Then, I guess, go back out to the car, put your bra back on, and ask him about his day. (Because you know what's great? Spontaneity.)

  • "As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you."

That's not X-rated. It's PG-13, unless you actually mean it the way it sounds — like, "I am going to slaughter you like a hog and then feast on your flesh." In that case, it is X-rated, much like the director's cut of Saw IV.

  • "Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, 'Wanna hear me do this tonight?'"

Better idea, don't. He'll get fired. Unless by "solo session," they mean like "I'm at the studio recording a solo album," and by "this" you mean "practice our freestyling together." Otherwise, you're sexting. In either case, after you've completed Operation Arouse and Bewilder, you actually get to bone:

  • "To ensure that amazing ending, you need to keep him in an arousing holding pattern. The key is to bring him to the brink of climax repeatedly and then slow down."

This isn't terrible advice. It can actually be kind of fun. Unless you try to do it like this:

  • "As he's getting close, lightly tug his balls down — it delays his orgasm. If you want to speed him up, cup his boys and push them up toward his penis... Repeatedly press his perineum (the spot between his balls and butt)... It's like a start/stop button for his climax — touch him there to speed him up, then release to slow back down."

Granted, the male orgasm is a good deal simpler than the female. But, uh, there aren't on/off buttons. Any more than your nipples are the push-start button for a key-less orgasm car... which actually sounds a lot like something Cosmo would say. In keeping with things Cosmo would say, they've include a side bar called, "Warning, you've teased him too much if..."

  • "His idea of dirty talk is 'Oh, baby, stop. Please. Just. Stop.'"
  •  "He starts role-playing as a cop and says, 'Lady, put your hands up and step away from my penis.'"

I know, I know, they're meant in jest. But isn't it still great, in a magazine all about anxiety (you, reading this, you have the fattest cuticles I've ever seen), to just hint at the idea that you might be fucking up? The nagging doubt that you might be doing it terribly wrong motivates lots of great sex, right?  

Commentarium (28 Comments)

May 20 11 - 12:57am
nope

And MHM proves, with only one line in the article, that it's still king.

May 20 11 - 5:11am
giggles

I love how cameron diaz is on the cover of both magazines making almost the same face, yet being photoshopped to portray two different body types.

May 20 11 - 10:10am
MatthewT

What do you mean? What two different body types is she portraying?

May 20 11 - 10:27am
Moops

Skeletal and pointy.

May 20 11 - 10:33am
BenReininga

Actually, in the world of cover modeling, there's only four looks -- happy skeletal, happy pointy, sad skeletal, and sad pointy.

May 20 11 - 10:42am
CaitRobinson

We ladies should really be required to wear placards around our necks with "vulnerable" on one side and "stable" on the other. If you flip yours around to "vulnerable," you can elaborate using the attached white board: "Ask me about my crippling debt," or "Inquire about the fight I had with my mom." That way, your male superior will know what to feign concern about when he tries to corner you in the stockroom.

That one's on the house, Maxim! Look me up! I'm full of ideas!

May 21 11 - 2:38am
E

Dude, I just learned the best new pickup line. It's called quid pro quo.

May 20 11 - 6:30pm
Laura Connell

Wow, I'm shocked about the horrible and mean-spirited tone of these articles. I'm glad you've critiqued them like this. So disappointing to see Cameron Diaz sell sex like this, too. Such a bad role model for our girls. It's a real crime that I can't even wash my car anymore without a sexual connotation. Good grief.

May 26 11 - 1:13am
Grace

They weren't taking apart the use of sexy Cameron Diaz cover photos, Laura Connell, they were making excellent fun of the lame, douche-y sex advice.

May 20 11 - 8:16pm
Jamal

Diaz looks nervous on the Maxim cover. Check the apprehension-like emotion in her eyes!

May 21 11 - 12:01am
Anorexics rule

She's realising her 15 mins are just about up.

May 21 11 - 2:53am
julian.

love this segment

May 21 11 - 3:16pm
Vinegar Bend

Her 15 minutes have lasted a lot longer than 15 minutes. Check out "In Her Shoes." She can act, given the right material.

May 21 11 - 3:21pm
sessa

Do not check out "In Her shoes". Unless you want validation that Cameron cannot act even when given the easiest material.

May 22 11 - 2:41pm
SC

check out "Being John Malkovich" for an actual good example of Cameron Diaz being a good actress.

May 23 11 - 5:38pm
Dea

Oh c'mon, In Her Shoes is fun (and I usually don't like "chick flicks"). She's not Meryl Streep, but who really reads Cosmo or watches movies like In Her Shoes for profound acting? I give her credit the talents she does seem to have, like her un-self-conscious sense of humor, and success at the oft-failed model-to-actress transition.

May 22 11 - 9:51pm
loppa

Note to women who read cosmo: here are the top 5 ways to please your man:
1. Give him a BJ.
2. Give him a BJ.
3. Give him a BJ.
4. Give him a BJ.
5. Give him a BJ.

May 23 11 - 2:36pm
Gazbo

And for a special treat, give him steak and a B.J.

Jun 10 11 - 11:39am
K-Star

Steak, BJ and a rimjob for the holy trinity of man pleasing

May 22 11 - 11:35pm
jill

And, for god's sake, when you're cupping "his boys" (ack, can scarcely type that) make sure he doesn't catch a glimpse of your fat cuticles, or it's all over.

jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

May 23 11 - 1:33pm
mouse

Well, to hetero women, aren't penises sexy? Wouldn't it be worse to hear, "your penis is a turnoff, it's ugly and try to hide it." Genital pride goes both ways.

May 23 11 - 2:34pm
Gazbo

I am delighted, in my old-age-slow-to-go period to finally discover where the damn START button is located. Been looking for decades. Yay! Thanks Cosmo!

May 26 11 - 1:15am
Grace

Haha, that bit about stop and start was pure comedy gold. I spit out my milk from laughing.

May 23 11 - 2:42pm
Gazbo

Dear god I just read part two. I'm amazed that they didn't suggest finding a girl young/naive enough to believe that blue balls is fatal. I'll bet the author actually had some luck with that one.
Seriously, do young men really read this crap or are they just jerking off to the pictures?

May 24 11 - 3:38pm
TK Lorenz

Hi there. Yeah, TK Lorenz, like in the article. Since I like nerve.com and want to show my face here again, thought I might comment on my quip up there. The comment came from an article about visual sexual stimulation. I was trying to set straight a myth which is perpetuated by ill-informed science reporters, that men are turned on by visual stimuli and women aren't. What the scientific literature reports is that both men and women are sexually aroused by visual stimuli, but that there is a slightly stronger response in men when we look at brain activation. That slight difference has been blown out of proportion to the point of dichotomy - apparently if men are really turned on by visual stimuli then women are not allowed to do so. Guess that story sells papers (or online ads), but it disenfranchises many women who regularly use visual stimuli (i.e. porn) to get turned on. Although I admit the soundbite the reporter chose to encapsulate my opinion is a little ridiculous, I still stand by the sentiment: Women are turned on by visual sexual stimuli - like penises, sure. And women who use visual stimuli (like images or videos of penises) are normal. (To highlight this as something to ridicule is, in my opinion, continuing to perpetuate the myth I attempted to dispel and thus somewhat against the spirit of the rest of the article, but I am no expert in the practice of good journalism so I'll leave that to the author's judgement).

Jun 24 11 - 2:24am
sorpresa

Well said. That last quip did not fit in with the rest of the article and was clearly taken out of context. "Sexy" means sexually attractive or exciting. I, as a heterosexual female, happen to find penises sexually exciting. I don't think I'm alone in that sentiment.

Jun 01 11 - 11:49pm
moregold

They neglected to mention the vulnerable, green card seeking, hot foreigner that just recently broke up. Chicks love guys that give them permanent residency! They cook, clean, and provide daily sex in gratitude.
I too have more of this material... just waiting for the offer from MHM or Cosmo.

Sep 07 11 - 7:21am
Cialis Rezeptfrei

8p9pjz The Author is crazy!!!