Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: May

Maxim and Cosmo help you make bad decisions.

By Ben Reininga

Each month, like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

Cosmopolitan

"The Extended Male Orgasm"

This month, Cosmo takes on territory usually left to the men's magazines: sexy science. Or, they purport to. The idea is that men usually have crappy five-second orgasms, but with the right combination of technology, technique, and pluck, you can "treat your guy to six times his bliss," with a thirty-second orgasm. Sounds cool, right? Here's how you're supposed to do it:

• "When you get home from work, take off your bra in the car before you go inside. That way, the first thing he'll see is a teasing glimpse of your girls."

Yes, this is actually the reported first step towards a thirty-second orgasm. When you get inside, drop a pencil, fall to your hands and knees, and crawl across the floor towards him to pick it up. Then, I guess, go back out to the car, put your bra back on, and ask him about his day. (Because you know what's great? Spontaneity.)

• "As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you."

That's not X-rated. It's PG-13, unless you actually mean it the way it sounds — like, "I am going to slaughter you like a hog and then feast on your flesh." In that case, it is X-rated, much like the director's cut of Saw IV.

• "Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, 'Wanna hear me do this tonight?'"

Better idea, don't. He'll get fired. Unless by "solo session," they mean like "I'm at the studio recording a solo album," and by "this" you mean "practice our freestyling together." Otherwise, you're sexting. In either case, after you've completed Operation Arouse and Bewilder, you actually get to bone:

• "To ensure that amazing ending, you need to keep him in an arousing holding pattern. The key is to bring him to the brink of climax repeatedly and then slow down."

This isn't terrible advice. It can actually be kind of fun. Unless you try to do it like this:

• "As he's getting close, lightly tug his balls down — it delays his orgasm. If you want to speed him up, cup his boys and push them up toward his penis... Repeatedly press his perineum (the spot between his balls and butt)... It's like a start/stop button for his climax — touch him there to speed him up, then release to slow back down."

Granted, the male orgasm is a good deal simpler than the female. But, uh, there aren't on/off buttons. Any more than your nipples are the push-start button for a key-less orgasm car... which actually sounds a lot like something Cosmo would say. In keeping with things Cosmo would say, they've include a side bar called, "Warning, you've teased him too much if..."

• "His idea of dirty talk is 'Oh, baby, stop. Please. Just. Stop.'"
•  "He starts role-playing as a cop and says, 'Lady, put your hands up and step away from my penis.'"

I know, I know, they're meant in jest. But isn't it still great, in a magazine all about anxiety (you, reading this, you have the fattest cuticles I've ever seen), to just hint at the idea that you might be fucking up? The nagging doubt that you might be doing it terribly wrong motivates lots of great sex, right?