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May 20, 2011
Maxim
Man, Maxim so rarely has actual sex advice, I forget what a treat it is. It's what my colleagues in the making-fun-of-other-people's-sex-tips industry (we were all students together at Glass House University) call The Racist New Girl. You know, offensive but easy. This month, they bring us "Enter At Your Own Risk," a how-to guide for sleeping with women who are off-limits to you.
- "The Girl: Your GF's Sister... The guilt factor in destroying a blood bond could be major."
But, I mean, don't let that stop you!
- "Younger siblings tend to have a chip on their shoulder from years of being compared to big sis, so tell her how smart, pretty, or funny she is and she might reward you. Or she just might be a psycho, in which case you won't have to do much work at all."
The low self-esteem of people who are younger than you: hot.
- "The Girl: Your Intern. Hooking up with a colleague isn't that unusual these days, but it's much riskier when she's a subordinate. Women are seriously attracted to men in a position of power."
Not only is that cliche apparently still running around, but they'll actually feel validated:
- "The potential for scandal is actually a turn-on for a lot of women... For some women, 'that her boss had chosen her felt like approval for a job well done.'"
What's the point of having power, if you're not going to abuse it, I guess? Also, is it hard for anyone else to imagine that the guys reading this magazine are old enough have "subordinates?"
- "The Girl: Your Best Friend's Ex. If she's upset about being newly single, nothing says 'screw you' to her ex like screwing his buddy... So be her shoulder to cry on. He was selfish? You love giving foot rubs!"
Man. It's so easy to get laid in a world where girls have so much to be upset about. Seriously, the challenges a woman faces are basically just a free-ticket to pussy town...
In any case, if none of those tips work, just remember this pro-tip from the current issue of our old stand-by, Men's Health Magazine, courtesy of Tierney Lorenz of UT Austin: "Penises are sexy to women."
Commentarium (28 Comments)
And MHM proves, with only one line in the article, that it's still king.
I love how cameron diaz is on the cover of both magazines making almost the same face, yet being photoshopped to portray two different body types.
What do you mean? What two different body types is she portraying?
Skeletal and pointy.
Actually, in the world of cover modeling, there's only four looks -- happy skeletal, happy pointy, sad skeletal, and sad pointy.
We ladies should really be required to wear placards around our necks with "vulnerable" on one side and "stable" on the other. If you flip yours around to "vulnerable," you can elaborate using the attached white board: "Ask me about my crippling debt," or "Inquire about the fight I had with my mom." That way, your male superior will know what to feign concern about when he tries to corner you in the stockroom.
That one's on the house, Maxim! Look me up! I'm full of ideas!
Dude, I just learned the best new pickup line. It's called quid pro quo.
Wow, I'm shocked about the horrible and mean-spirited tone of these articles. I'm glad you've critiqued them like this. So disappointing to see Cameron Diaz sell sex like this, too. Such a bad role model for our girls. It's a real crime that I can't even wash my car anymore without a sexual connotation. Good grief.
They weren't taking apart the use of sexy Cameron Diaz cover photos, Laura Connell, they were making excellent fun of the lame, douche-y sex advice.
Diaz looks nervous on the Maxim cover. Check the apprehension-like emotion in her eyes!
She's realising her 15 mins are just about up.
love this segment
Her 15 minutes have lasted a lot longer than 15 minutes. Check out "In Her Shoes." She can act, given the right material.
Do not check out "In Her shoes". Unless you want validation that Cameron cannot act even when given the easiest material.
check out "Being John Malkovich" for an actual good example of Cameron Diaz being a good actress.
Oh c'mon, In Her Shoes is fun (and I usually don't like "chick flicks"). She's not Meryl Streep, but who really reads Cosmo or watches movies like In Her Shoes for profound acting? I give her credit the talents she does seem to have, like her un-self-conscious sense of humor, and success at the oft-failed model-to-actress transition.
Note to women who read cosmo: here are the top 5 ways to please your man:
1. Give him a BJ.
2. Give him a BJ.
3. Give him a BJ.
4. Give him a BJ.
5. Give him a BJ.
And for a special treat, give him steak and a B.J.
Steak, BJ and a rimjob for the holy trinity of man pleasing
And, for god's sake, when you're cupping "his boys" (ack, can scarcely type that) make sure he doesn't catch a glimpse of your fat cuticles, or it's all over.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com
Well, to hetero women, aren't penises sexy? Wouldn't it be worse to hear, "your penis is a turnoff, it's ugly and try to hide it." Genital pride goes both ways.
I am delighted, in my old-age-slow-to-go period to finally discover where the damn START button is located. Been looking for decades. Yay! Thanks Cosmo!
Haha, that bit about stop and start was pure comedy gold. I spit out my milk from laughing.
Dear god I just read part two. I'm amazed that they didn't suggest finding a girl young/naive enough to believe that blue balls is fatal. I'll bet the author actually had some luck with that one.
Seriously, do young men really read this crap or are they just jerking off to the pictures?
Hi there. Yeah, TK Lorenz, like in the article. Since I like nerve.com and want to show my face here again, thought I might comment on my quip up there. The comment came from an article about visual sexual stimulation. I was trying to set straight a myth which is perpetuated by ill-informed science reporters, that men are turned on by visual stimuli and women aren't. What the scientific literature reports is that both men and women are sexually aroused by visual stimuli, but that there is a slightly stronger response in men when we look at brain activation. That slight difference has been blown out of proportion to the point of dichotomy - apparently if men are really turned on by visual stimuli then women are not allowed to do so. Guess that story sells papers (or online ads), but it disenfranchises many women who regularly use visual stimuli (i.e. porn) to get turned on. Although I admit the soundbite the reporter chose to encapsulate my opinion is a little ridiculous, I still stand by the sentiment: Women are turned on by visual sexual stimuli - like penises, sure. And women who use visual stimuli (like images or videos of penises) are normal. (To highlight this as something to ridicule is, in my opinion, continuing to perpetuate the myth I attempted to dispel and thus somewhat against the spirit of the rest of the article, but I am no expert in the practice of good journalism so I'll leave that to the author's judgement).
Well said. That last quip did not fit in with the rest of the article and was clearly taken out of context. "Sexy" means sexually attractive or exciting. I, as a heterosexual female, happen to find penises sexually exciting. I don't think I'm alone in that sentiment.
They neglected to mention the vulnerable, green card seeking, hot foreigner that just recently broke up. Chicks love guys that give them permanent residency! They cook, clean, and provide daily sex in gratitude.
I too have more of this material... just waiting for the offer from MHM or Cosmo.
8p9pjz The Author is crazy!!!