Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: May 2012

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Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: May 2012

Cosmo's summer tips, Men's Health's sex-boosting foods, and so much more.


Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

As soon as it gets warm, men’s and women’s magazines kick into high gear. I think it’s because of the beach: you need to buy a swimsuit, drop five pounds fast, tone your arms, lose your guy, find the SPF — and the new man — that’s right for you, then keep him ensnared in your sexual web until at least Labor Day… at which point you can hole up with some Funyuns in your bathrobe and wait ‘til next year.


"His Sweaty Superpower"

You know a glimpse of his glistening post-workout bod turns you on, but it can boost your mood too. Research shows that the scent of male perspiration reduces tension in women… so give your guy a big post-gym hug or stand extra close to the dude celebrating a softball victory at happy hour… and remember to breath deep.

I get it: anxiety is a burgeoning problem in twenty-first century America. We’re all stressed out, overworked, not communing enough with our inner children… but this is gross. Do what you like with your sweaty boyfriend, but strangers? Those girls at the gym — the ones with high ponytails who read Cosmo and Stairmaster like cartoon dogs falling through space — already freak me out. Now I have to worry that they’re going to try to chill out by huffing my masculine musk? PASS.

"Meet a Guy by the 4th of July"

To get a, er, jump on the hotties of summer, you have to know the latest spots to look… 

This whole “meet a guy in x amount of time” is a Classic Cosmo Concept, and, I’d argue, a little anxiety-provoking. (Back off, sweat-sniffers!) But I guess a little desperation is good for business.

So, to get you manned-up for summer, Cosmo suggests that you go to a bunch of places you’d otherwise avoid. Man places, like outdoor concerts, lifeguard competitions, arcades, beer gardens (bafflingly, they suggest you bring along a game of Jenga), and bad 3D movie premieres.

It’s not the worst advice. If you’re in a dating rut (or any kind of rut) it is a pretty good idea to do new things. But in the words of my imaginary Yiddish grandmother: “There’s plenty of fish in the sea… and they’re mostly gays or goys.” And she knew nothing of frat boys and douche bags. Which is to say, if you’re pretending to do things you hate, you’re pretty likely to meet guys you hate. And even if you buy their advice on this one, skip the bad 3D movies. I mean, not to sound all Cosmo, but when I meet a girl who’s seeing Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter by herself, I don’t think “mother of my kids.”

"Touch His Butt Like This"

In the monthly “verb + body part” game, this May is all about your hands and his ass.

Slip your hand into his back pocket and lightly stroke his ass… since it’s totally private and hidden from everyone else, it conveys that you’re feeling especially attracted to him.

They say it’s always good to get a second opinion, so here’s one: there is no way in which putting your hand in someone’s back pocket is totally hidden and private. It is totally obvious and public, because while everyone cannot see your actual hand, they can see the arm that it is attached to. Also, it does not convey that you are feeling especially attracted to him. It conveys that you are a teen from Jersey who’s had a bit too much vodka, or gin, or whatever other clear liquor you've cleverly concealed in a Deer Park water bottle. Ah, youth.

"101 Things About Men"

His Summer Dream Girl is Someone Who… 1. Wears a dress 2. Has a sexy laugh 3. Smells like the beach.

Let’s go for a rhetorical Q&A here: are girls in sundresses great? Yes. Is a sexy laugh endearing and arousing? Double yes. Now, what does the beach smell like? If you said "Rotting horseshoe crabs and poorly-disposed-of diapers," then we both clearly have a more realistic olfactory image of the beach than Cosmo. Don’t smell like invertebrate death and poop, ladycakes. I like you too much.

Men's Health Magazine

So, MHM also kicks it up in summertime, with a whopping 437 cool new sex, health, fitness and nutrition strategies. (I really feel for the intern who had to count them all.) And I read all of them… and there’s virtually nothing about sex! (Some good tips on lunging though. Really cleared up some questions I had about the relative position of my knees and toes.)

So, we turn to the internet, in all her glory — where MHM continues to attack sex and dating like an amateur scientist trying to track wildebeest — some creeping, lots of “science” and a low probability of success.

"3 Subtle Signs She’s Into You"

Red: Researchers from the University of Rochester ran three different studies, each honing in on the link between women who were interested in casual sex and the color of their shirt in their online dating profile. After punching in the data, it was clear that red was the dominant choice over any other color. But even if your date isn’t decked in rouge, there are other dead giveaways that show she’s craving your company.”

I admire the bold alliteration here. A decked date craving company? Wow. (Does it make sense? By “date,” do they mean “stranger,” and by “company,” do they mean “sex?” Who cares!) Also, if you paid David Attenborough (or possibly Sigourney Weaver) to read this article, you’d think you were watching Nat Geo — except that “casual sex kind” and “blue shirt-wearing kind” aren’t actually two species of women. Because there's no such thing as a "species of woman," and attempting to shoehorn ladies into these easily-tagged-and-studied categories helps no one. And no disrespect to the research teams at Rochester, but no one in the history of the internet has successfully had fun sex by thinking scientifically about shirt color.

Her Feet Give Her Away: If she moves her feet away from her body, adopting a more open-legged stance, you’re golden. But if she crosses her legs or tucks them under her body, you may as well ask for the check and call it a night before dessert.

Just one question: what if she crosses her legs beneath a very slutty red dress? The male of the species is easily angered when confused and aroused.

She’s Dressed to Impress: Can’t take your eyes off her nearly-see-through dress? Don’t — she’s scantily clad for a reason.

And then a lengthy explanation of a study in Austria, one that involved taking saliva samples of ladies in night clubs to determine that the sexier-dressed ones were hornier. Suddenly, I feel cold.

I’m going to put this is in language that the internet understands: Feminist Ryan Gosling. 

"5 Foods for Better Sex"

Or, "Eat Your Way to a Stronger Erection with Men’s Health Magazine." (Still waiting on that job offer, MHM.)

Just for fun, let’s take another look at the sexy world of sexy science. Take a deep breath, ‘cause this one starts at a trot:

The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt — at least for mice.

Inside your yogurt there is a key. A metaphorical key that leads to sexiness. In rodents. READ ON:

The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet — and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a “junk food diet,” according to a new study out of MIT.

More Dannon + Less Doritos = Big balls! Ac-tivi-aaaaaaaa!

Also, MIT? I’m a huge supporter of the sciences and all, but when I read that, I do wonder who thought “Give mice yogurt, then measure their balls” would make a good study. I’m sure it’s valid and well thought-out and firmly grounded. Just like I’m sure the first guy ever to drink cow’s milk was not even a little weird. (“Hey guys, this stuff that comes out when you pull on these things is totally fine to drink! Guys?”)

Nuts: Snack on two handfuls of almonds or walnuts a day. They’re packed with amino acids like arginine, which improves blood flow throughout your body — including down there, where better blood flow means a stronger erection.

Pffffft. Actual nuts. Bor-ing.  

Oysters: Casanova supposedly ate 50 every morning for breakfast. He was onto something. The shellfish are ultra high in zinc — key in sperm production and blood circulation.

Oysters: they increase sperm production and smell like an ideal woman.  

Such a wealth of romantic advice before Memorial Day! I can't wait to see what's coming up in June. What will the men and women's mags of the world think up for Paul Bunyan Day? (June 28 — mark your calendars.) Oh, yeah, and Father's Day. (That reminds me: Dad, I owe you a trip to a Mexican brothel). Tune in next month!