Advice

Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: November

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Free her touch from the ghetto of orgasm, and then make him drown in drool — with Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, and Maxim.

This time of year is said to bring out the worst in us. Things are stressful, you have to do a lot of shopping, and it's probably cold as hell. You would hope that — amid the difficulties — we'd all have something basic, something human, to bring us together. You know, like sex.

As always, the good folks at Men's Health, Maxim, and Cosmopolitan magazines were happy to oblige. (Or at least, their bosses at their parent company, SexTips4Less.com, were happy to oblige.) Much like a holiday party, this sex advice sounds stressful, chaotic, and unlikely to be much fun in practice. But maybe trying is half the fun. Happy intercoursing!

Cosmopolitan

What issue of Cosmo would be complete without a list of "sexy tricks?" You know — complex and difficult-sounding shenanigans that you can use to make "your man" actually want to sleep with you (an occurrence that's proven to increase your self-esteem almost as much as "fierce leather" accessories).

These aren't tricks like prostitution. No, they're tricks like the circus: highly unlikely maneuvers designed to entertain a remote and presumed-to-be-bored audience. Take, for example, "25 Insanely Hot Boob Moves:"

"We rounded up a bunch of super-sexy tricks just for [your breasts]. If these don't skyrocket your pleasure (and have him drowning in drool), we don't know what will." (I pride myself on keeping up with the international register of erotic terminology, but somehow "drowning in drool" slipped right by me. However, after Googling it, I did learn that it accounts for 23% of nocturnal deaths among St. Bernards.)

• "Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. …Yowzah."

• "Receive a butterfly kiss… of your breasts. To do: he bats his eyelids against the supersensitive underside of your breasts." He might have to insert his head into your chest cavity, forehead up, but give it a shot.

• "It's time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator… (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years)." Your vadge is a hog, women. A hoggy, hoggy vadge. God, that's sexy.

• "Don a blindfold before he drizzles your chest with a warm liquid, like chocolate sauce… "

• "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off." Did you know? Phrases ending with "then lick it off" comprise exactly sixteen percent of Cosmo's advice… on everything?

In the next list, we learn that heat increases blood flow. And more blood flow means more sexy time. Hence, "Make Him Burn With Pleasure" — a list that follows Cosmo's magical formula (take two parts sexy science and one part childish euphemism, and add a title straight out of a Harlequin romance novel). Ladies, here are ten ways to raise your boyfriend's temperature — literally:

• "…drizzle warming gel over his chest and give him a rubdown."

• "Soak a washcloth in warm water and gently run it from his belly button to where his pubic hair starts."

• "Open your mouth and breathe heavily over one ball at a time."

• "The spinal cord connects directly to his penis, so when you warm it, the heat shoots to his package. Flame his passion… by rubbing your bare breasts up and down the length of this backbone."

• "Pop his socks in the microwave for twenty seconds, then slip them on him."

You are guaranteed to have a sex-crazed man with so much blood in his penis that he can't help but have sex with you. He will also be sticky, damp, and wearing socks, but so what?

Maxim

Now, just so the womenfolk don't feel totally dismayed, I'd like to point out that men also have a boatload of bad sex advice lobbed at them every month. This time, we turn to Maxim U.K. It's the same old claptrap — with slightly funnier slang!

On how to "get better blowjobs":

• "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob." British ladies also love chocolate.

On foreplay:

• "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this." (The editorial team at Cosmo would like to make the following statement: "Nuh uh.")

• "Ask her to get a Brazilian. But it's for her own good! Apparently with the mop removed, every sensation down there is heightened!" Mop!

• "Girls like explicit texts, too. So next time you're bored waiting in a queue for lunch, text her the rudest, naughtiest thing you can possibly think of and inform her of when exactly you plan to do it." Don't think too much about this one. Just do it.

• "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it." If she rubs your spit slowly down her cleavage, however, and then tears off her shirt, you have entered a full-blown masturbatory hallucination.

Men's Health

Men's Health, on the other hand, decided to differentiate themselves from the frat-pack at Maxim and establish what they truly are: a mature, gentlemanly magazine about manliness (and protein-berry shakes). They did that by writing shit like this:

• "When touch is set free from the ghetto of orgasm, the purposefulness of intercourse drifts through every cove of our connection."

• "[Love] requires the vigorous, independent, self-reliant love of two self-actualized individuals, not the needy codependent love of one mouse for another."

• "There has to be space between you across which a spark of hunger can arc."

But you can't teach an old dog new tricks. (You, you can, however, give him killer abs in, like, four minutes a week.) Soon the big words are left by the wayside for some dubious advice.

On sexy talk:

• "Though to ears deafened by political correctness, words like 'baby' and 'doll' sound condescending and sexist, to most women in relationships, they sound like love." Is that veracious, sugartits?

On honesty:

• "Make sure she knows how beautiful she is and how sexually skilled she is, especially if she isn't — sexually skilled, that is."

On sexy time:

• "A man's entitled to want everything he wants… if you've received news of a loved one's death within the last half hour or so or been treated disrespectfully by the petitioner within the last three or four hours, take a pass all you want. But not being 'in the mood' is death if you expect to keep a relationship warm and energetic… When we accept a person's promise of monogamy, we take on a duty. Come on, take one for the team."

You might be thinking, "Take one for the team" sounds like what your mother told you when you when you tried to skip out on Grandma's punch 'n carolling party last year. And you're probably right.