Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable
Sex Life: November

Free her touch from the ghetto of orgasm, and then make him drown in drool — with Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, and Maxim.

By Ben Reininga

This time of year is said to bring out the worst in us. Things are stressful, you have to do a lot of shopping, and it's probably cold as hell. You would hope that — amid the difficulties — we'd all have something basic, something human, to bring us together. You know, like sex.

As always, the good folks at Men's Health, Maxim, and Cosmopolitan magazines were happy to oblige. (Or at least, their bosses at their parent company, SexTips4Less.com, were happy to oblige.) Much like a holiday party, this sex advice sounds stressful, chaotic, and unlikely to be much fun in practice. But maybe trying is half the fun. Happy intercoursing!

Cosmopolitan

What issue of Cosmo would be complete without a list of "sexy tricks?" You know — complex and difficult-sounding shenanigans that you can use to make "your man" actually want to sleep with you (an occurrence that's proven to increase your self-esteem almost as much as "fierce leather" accessories).

These aren't tricks like prostitution. No, they're tricks like the circus: highly unlikely maneuvers designed to entertain a remote and presumed-to-be-bored audience. Take, for example, "25 Insanely Hot Boob Moves:"

"We rounded up a bunch of super-sexy tricks just for [your breasts]. If these don't skyrocket your pleasure (and have him drowning in drool), we don't know what will." (I pride myself on keeping up with the international register of erotic terminology, but somehow "drowning in drool" slipped right by me. However, after Googling it, I did learn that it accounts for 23% of nocturnal deaths among St. Bernards.)

• "Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. ...Yowzah."

• "Receive a butterfly kiss... of your breasts. To do: he bats his eyelids against the supersensitive underside of your breasts." He might have to insert his head into your chest cavity, forehead up, but give it a shot.

• "It's time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator... (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years)." Your vadge is a hog, women. A hoggy, hoggy vadge. God, that's sexy.

• "Don a blindfold before he drizzles your chest with a warm liquid, like chocolate sauce... "

• "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off." Did you know? Phrases ending with "then lick it off" comprise exactly sixteen percent of Cosmo's advice... on everything?

In the next list, we learn that heat increases blood flow. And more blood flow means more sexy time. Hence, "Make Him Burn With Pleasure" — a list that follows Cosmo's magical formula (take two parts sexy science and one part childish euphemism, and add a title straight out of a Harlequin romance novel). Ladies, here are ten ways to raise your boyfriend's temperature — literally:

• "...drizzle warming gel over his chest and give him a rubdown."

• "Soak a washcloth in warm water and gently run it from his belly button to where his pubic hair starts."

• "Open your mouth and breathe heavily over one ball at a time."

• "The spinal cord connects directly to his penis, so when you warm it, the heat shoots to his package. Flame his passion... by rubbing your bare breasts up and down the length of this backbone."

• "Pop his socks in the microwave for twenty seconds, then slip them on him."

You are guaranteed to have a sex-crazed man with so much blood in his penis that he can't help but have sex with you. He will also be sticky, damp, and wearing socks, but so what?

Commentarium (40 Comments)

Nov 30 10 - 2:02am
John Darc

I would never put sugar on something that would go into her vagina.

Nov 30 10 - 2:04am
JfnB

Mop! Ha!

Nov 30 10 - 3:29am
lezley

unfortunately it's true about the mop. I don't care what sasha grey does, I am never going back to the bush.

Nov 30 10 - 9:23am
coachebay

I don't care what sasha grey does, I am never going back to the bush.

Nov 30 10 - 9:40am
Sarah

Are any of these writers for these magazines actually having sex? Wow.

Nov 30 10 - 10:03am
SR

Aahhh, the pube vs. no-pube discussion. On one hand, a lot of guys like [it] hairless or close to it; and on the other hand some women think it's a hidden, perverted pedophilic desire. All I know is that the women I have been with that had the brazilian, they never go back to hairy. They loved it as much as I did.

@Sarah.... Your comment presupposes there are actually current authors of these articles. I stopped my Men's Health subscription years ago when I realized one month that I was reading the exact verbatim articles that had been published 5 years prior. To prove it, I dug up the old magazine, and sure enough I found the exact same article by the same author, with the only change being the pictures. Cosmo, Maxim & Men's Health are notorious for doing this. A royalty fee is much cheaper than buying a new article. Keeps their costs down.

Nov 30 10 - 12:21pm
Little Fiend

I rock the Brazilian. Amazing!! I think I love it more than my man does. Ladies, I highly recommend liberating yourselves from the bush.

Nov 30 10 - 4:25pm
ms

Slowly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand?! Who came up with that one, Manny Ray? [in Scarface]

Nov 30 10 - 8:07pm
YR

Nope, I have two young daughters, I am a woman and I have no desire to look like them -a child. I'm happy with my hair down there, as is my husband, and our sex life -now the child-making years are over- is better than ever.

Nov 30 10 - 9:46pm
DG

I love my bush. When there's no hair down there I get painfully sensitive. Yes, there is a threshold for pleasure.

Nov 30 10 - 10:13pm
mpb

The whole "waxing makes me look like a child" thing is so done. So does shaving your legs and your underarms. But no one seems to think that's a sign of impending pedo-action. Or is that next? As my boyfriend said to me recently: "You're a 45-year-old woman with big tits and a gorgeous ass. Whether or not you have pubic hair, no one is going to mistake you for a 10-year-old."

Nov 30 10 - 10:28pm
Lovin' It

this column shows why americans are so sexually frustrated, we are not equipped for being happy sexually by these magazines, and once we've start reading them we never stop because we think these magazines are the way to have a healthy and active sex life. in reality, they're pulling a blindfold over our eyes, not to tease us to orgasm, but to pad their yearly profit margins. So good job Nerve for smartly and funnily mocking these publications that further the sexual status quo and dictate the language and behavior of sex!

Nov 30 10 - 10:30pm
Namely

"Soak a washcloth in warm water and gently run it from his belly button to where his pubic hair starts." How can you tell? My boyfriend only has about 1/8 of an inch of real estate with no hair between that area, and I think it is a scar. I am embarrassed for people who I see read this shit in public. On an unrelated note, my mom told me that I wasn't old enough for Seventeen magazine for years before my seventeenth birthday. When I finally turned seventeen and asked her if I could get it, she told me I was too old to buy into that garbage. I hated her for it then but love her dearly for it now.

Nov 30 10 - 11:28pm
Laura

Speaking from actual experience, Nutella + blowjob = bad idea.

Nov 30 10 - 11:32pm
hairless lover

Any guy that says he likes bushy nethers is only saying that because he is trying to maintain the status quo and continue having sex. Wives, even though your husband says he likes your Dianna Ross impersonation, he's lying and would LOVE it if you shaved it all off. He just doesn't want to say it because it's essentially a "Do these pants make me look fat?" situation and you've entrapped him.

Don't believe me? Here's how the conversation plays out:

Her: Do you think I'm too hairy down there?
Him: Why do you ask? I've never taken notice (a lie)
Her: I don't know. Do you think I am?
Him: It could stand some manicuring or a wax.
Her: What do you mean? You don't like it? Are you disgusted by my hairy bush?
Him: That's not what I said!
Her: What, do you want me to look like some bar-hopping 19-yr old slut? (yes he does)
Him: Of course not.
Her: Well, don't worry about it, because you won't have to suffer through seeing it for a long time.
Him: Oh, come on, honey!

Here's another thing husbands won't tell you: Every guy wants his spouse/partner to act or do something dirty and almost slutty. Think about it. If you've been married for a while, chances are the spice isn't quite what it used to be. You're husband secretly wishes you would do something like surprise him with a shaved pussy or some super slutty lingerie, no matter how classy or sophisticated you really are. However, for the most part, guys can't tell you that because the desire for conflict avoidance is greater than anything else. Status Quo.

Feb 23 11 - 2:21pm
CLF

Hmmm...A few comments, if I may:

1. If you don't use sex to punish your partner for speaking up, you stand a much better chance of getting an honest answer;
2. I like hair, so you have no business speaking for me. Please don't attempt it;
3. If you both can speak honestly, there is no conflict. If you can't speak honestly, you both need to confront the problem and deal with it.

Nov 30 10 - 11:32pm
hairless lover

Any guy that says he likes bushy nethers is only saying that because he is trying to maintain the status quo and continue having sex. Wives, even though your husband says he likes your Dianna Ross impersonation, he's lying and would LOVE it if you shaved it all off. He just doesn't want to say it because it's essentially a "Do these pants make me look fat?" situation and you've entrapped him.

Don't believe me? Here's how the conversation plays out:

Her: Do you think I'm too hairy down there?
Him: Why do you ask? I've never taken notice (a lie)
Her: I don't know. Do you think I am?
Him: It could stand some manicuring or a wax.
Her: What do you mean? You don't like it? Are you disgusted by my hairy bush?
Him: That's not what I said!
Her: What, do you want me to look like some bar-hopping 19-yr old slut? (yes he does)
Him: Of course not.
Her: Well, don't worry about it, because you won't have to suffer through seeing it for a long time.
Him: Oh, come on, honey!

Here's another thing husbands won't tell you: Every guy wants his spouse/partner to act or do something dirty and almost slutty. Think about it. If you've been married for a while, chances are the spice isn't quite what it used to be. You're husband secretly wishes you would do something like surprise him with a shaved pussy or some super slutty lingerie, no matter how classy or sophisticated you really are. However, for the most part, guys can't tell you that because the desire for conflict avoidance is greater than anything else. Status Quo.

Nov 30 10 - 11:53pm
Not shaved

It takes two to spice. A shaved cooter doesn't fix a husband who is bad in bed.

Dec 01 10 - 12:02am
owwww

dear men: before asking your ladies to "take it all off," please suffer through a full wax yourself. (hint: this will be expensive, embarrassing, and painful. enjoy!)

Dec 01 10 - 1:12am
Dee

If a man licked the palm of my hand, I don't give a damn if he is JON HAMM, IN PUBLIC, I would be beyond mortified and grossed out.

also @hairless lover : Blanket statements, yay! Because every guy totally goes after bar hopping 19 year old sluts with hairless pussies. That's why there are websites for porn devoted to full bushes. Because NO MAN could possibly like it. Do you write for a lad mag too?

Dec 01 10 - 1:17am
Not amused

Selfish pig headed men want a woman to endure the pain and expense of waxing when they don't even spend five seconds grooming themselves! Men, shave all body hair off for a year. Keep it up and then you have the right to ask that of someone.

Dec 01 10 - 1:41am
Ash

Dear nerve
Thankyou for giving me the opportunity to cackle hysterically over my keyboard, you have truly gifted critics.
"Cosmo would like to make the following statement: Nuh uh."

Dec 01 10 - 2:18am
calm down

I think it doesnt really matter wether your shaved or not , or whether men are pigs are not, one key to a good sex life (and a good relationship in general) is COMMUNICATION! if your man is bad in bed, give him a hint. dont go all "your doing it wrong!" give a gentle hint like "more to the left". and on the other hand, if you want to try something with your lady, TALK TO HER ABOUT IT! i understand things like threesomes tend to be taboo in a relationship and thats understandable, but dont be shy about what you like during sex.

Dec 01 10 - 8:37am
Guido

Who writes this? A horny guido?

Dec 01 10 - 8:44am
Jooliana

Brilliant!

Dec 01 10 - 11:31am
Grace

I like my pubes! When touched softly they send shivers of pleasure through my vulva and vagina. The one time I waxed it all of, I got ugly bumps, it itched, and felt a little numb for a while. So glad I came of age in a non-wax time. I feel sorry for the young ladies these days. Also, my man was sort of grossed out by the bald-pussy thing.

Dec 01 10 - 12:11pm
Exasperated

What an arbitrary thing to argue over. You either want a shaved vagina, or not, or only sometimes. Some guys like it always, some never, some only sometimes. Me? I like spicing it up. Sometimes bushy, sometimes trimmed, sometimes shaved. My husband does the same. It's just hair. If you are sleeping with someone who is repulsed by your vagina at any stage, and that bothers you, maybe the relationship is no good for anyone. It is your vagina. Do with it what you please. Guys, if you are that perturbed by pubic hair, let your lady know. If she doesn't want to shave it, then figure out how much it bothers you. At the end of the day, who gives a shit?

Dec 01 10 - 3:23pm
Lady Tenar

@ hairless lover

I'm with Dee. You sound like you write for a crappy girl/lad mag yourself. You do all the usual tricks, including the "here's what men won't tell you" bullshit. Because an individual straight man can TOTALLY speak authoritatively about the sexual desires of ALL OTHER straight men. If you don't have sex with men yourself, don't try to tell me what they like. (They're all different, btw.) Oh wait, but they would never tell me, would they, because I'm a woman. Newsflash: Some men are actually capable of acting like adults and communicating with their partners about what turns them on. Sucks for you that you're not one of them.

Oh yeah, and plenty of women are also capable of HEARING their partner's sexual needs without getting bent out of shape, even if some of them are unexpected. And get this, some women are JUST AS INTO doing "something dirty" as men are into them doing it, if not more. Yes it's true, not all women want to have sex like repressed Victorian housewives. Some women like being freaky for themselves, not just so they can please self-centered, immature men.

I know this is a lot to process but give it some time.

Dec 01 10 - 3:49pm
Libelula

I remeber when I was younger (much, much younger and naive) and I used to read Cosmo. I always thought that it was insane how many articles they could write about the same crap.

If experience has taught me anything at all, is that you don't have to have circus training to be good in the sack. There are moves in those magazines that instead of getting you off, will put you right in the Hospital... And then there's the embarrassment of having to explain it all to the doctor and nurse.

As for pubes, I like to keep it interesting. One day I'll shave it all off and go all pre-puberty for a month and then I'll let it grow out just a teensy bit. No bush, though.

Dec 01 10 - 4:24pm
Dan

I like bush on my women. Not like a ton, but a little bit is super sexy. Also, waxing is not only for women.

Dec 01 10 - 5:08pm
Medardus

Okay, I manscape. I don't go whole-hog or anything. I keep it trimmed to a quarter inch, shave my sack and keep a clean rod all the way to the base. My girlfriend says that the difference visually is astounding. When I was all-natural she said that my seven inches looked like seven inches. Trimmed up? She says it looks like nine.

On women I prefer shaved/wax or a landing strip. I love oral sex as foreplay so I spend a lot of time having dinner at the Y. If you've got a hedgerow that can stop an allied advance you can be pretty sure my dinnertime will become snack time. I decided to trim myself for this very reason.

As far as Cosmo's sex tips? They make half that stuff up. Probably more. Like Harrison Ford said, "You know how a woman turns a man on? She shows up."

Dec 03 10 - 1:15am
Jacob

As a 16 yearold, vaguely virginal(twice), male. I would like to say that trying to find out what to do is extremely confusing (as Im sure it always has been) but getting we're getting yelled sex advice (usually contradictory) everywhere we go. It makes an impression, and also actually having sex particularly difficult when your suddenly worrying about who was right, and if your left fucking leg is at the right angle or if you should refuse the microwaved socks your girlfriend is throwing at you (who knows, are they wool?) it gets discouraging. Maxim tells me this, Cosmo tells me that, Nerve tells me this, etc etc. Oh growing up...

Feb 23 11 - 2:26pm
CLF

Jacob, nobody's right, and everybody's right. There's no formula; there's only what's right for you and the person you're with. It has to work for both of you.

It does get easier with practice. :)

Dec 03 10 - 1:17pm
Joyce

My favorite thing about these magazines: all of the advice in the women's publication is about how to please a man. All of the advice in the men's publication is about how to please... a man. Fantastic. Is it because women don't experience pleasure? Or they don't deserve it? Thanks, Cosmo and Maxim.

Dec 06 10 - 12:48am
K.L.

Well, I wax my bikini line, and last year I did the full Brazilian ... and my lover's reaction? I loved the look on his face when he first saw me naked! However, then he kept telling me he missed my hair; he likes some hair; and finally, that a completely bare pussy is a little creepy?! Whereas I like it bare, the best - my bare lips are so sensitive and sensual! My love, however, is emphatic that he doesn't want me to remove all my hair any more...

Dec 06 10 - 3:50pm
Bux

Well put Lady Tenar!! That guy's probably some chump at home with his computer anyway. I don't know any women who'd put up with a boy who thought like that, hair issues aside. I HATE waxing and shaving. Keep it trim and nice, and who cares? And every lover I've had over the years has liked my hair. It's soft. It's pretty. It doesn't scratch you on week two. And no ugly bumps or ingrown hairs.

Speaking of, I read an article on how there are now "vagacials" for your vagina to try and remedy the damage years of waxing and shaving does to the skin down there. Um, can we not have this be part of life?? Getting deep-skin treatments, masks, etc. on our vaginas?! Ugh.

Dec 06 10 - 3:52pm
Bux

@Hairless Loser: Also, if the "desire for conflict avoidance" is that much of an issue, grow a pair or piss off.

Dec 07 10 - 12:26am
loved by mine

My hubby loves just a bit of hair down their. But he would never like me to shave or wax. To him its strictly forbidden. I can only clip as short as it can get without cutting myself. He's not into that bald pussy crap! And whenever it starts to grow too long, he'll let me know by asking, "Maybe its time to cut it a little, yea?" And I dont get offended. BONUS: He'll even offer to do it for me himself...leaving me anxious till that last snip and off to bed it is! ;)

Dec 09 10 - 12:06am
In Bed

This is perhaps going off topic (or perhaps back on) but when they suggest that he "drizzles your chest with a warm liquid... " I can't help but worry that it would be the aforementioned drool.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

Jul 12 12 - 8:51pm
Uh...

So I'm late to the party and all, but how is it that there's all this discussion about pubes and nobody said anything about the horrific "entitled to sex" suggestion? It boggles the mind.

Though on the hairless discussion, to quote Chuck Palahniuk: "She’s shaved. Tanned and oiled so smooth and perfect, she looks less like a woman than just another place to swipe your credit card."