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November 17, 2011
Men’s Health: "The New Rules of Attraction"
On the men’s side of things, the pickings seem abundant at first. Men’s Health Magazine has given us one of those giant omnibus sex lists — "The New Rules of Attraction" — that seems big, confident, and authoritative, just like the dude on the cover. Until you read it. Then, the article seems to vaguely address female empowerment, but with a male-paranoid twist — women are playing a more active role in men's sexual lives, and it’s totally terrifying.
"A 2008 study from the University of Saskatchewan brings an intriguing new double standard to light: Women are now "bringing it" in the bedroom while men may be subject to greater limitations."
Canadian universities provide such a wealth of sexology. I mean, comedy, sexual tips... and sometimes both at once! (Ba-zing!) On a scale of one to five, do you "bring it" in the bedroom — one being "No, I leave it" and five being "abso-flapping-lutely?" (That’s Canadian for "Yes.")
"'Friend' armies of acquaintances and long-lost classmates on Facebook. Falling into the right (or wrong) circle can affect your weight and your career as well as your sex/love life; it's peer pressure dialed up to 11. Fowler [a study author] cites an example of a rampant syphilis outbreak in Atlanta. Authorities broke it by homing in on the sexual leaders of the pack, zipping their flies, and bringing the outbreak to a swift end."
If I taught middle school, I’d use this paragraph as a cautionary tale about topic sentences. Don’t start a paragraph about how "friending" strangers can help you find love, and then tack on a story about "sexual packs" spreading syphilis around the American South — unless it at least has something to do with Facebook.
"A new survey by Trojan reveals that 71 percent of Americans want sex that's more satisfying, and 53 percent of Americans describe their sex lives as depressing, lukewarm, and predictable. The study authors call it a 'pleasure recession.' … Don't wait for the government to act. Take matters into your own hands. Evidence shows that she's primed and ready. Are you?"
Get your hand out my pocket, Big Government — I can stimulate myself! Occupy Ball Street! But seriously, isn’t that first line kind of like saying, "A new study by Pepsi has shown that people want more soda in their lives?"
"Findings from 353 undergraduates (61 percent of them women) suggest that spirituality has a greater association with the sex lives of young women than religion, impulsivity, or alcohol does. In addition to the greater frequency of sex, women who reported having 'connectedness' had more sexual partners."
What does it mean for something to have a "great association" with your sex life? What’s the difference here between spirituality, religion, and connectedness? Are alcohol and impulsivity mutually exclusive? Does this make any goddamn sense? No.
"Jennifer Austin Leigh, Psy.D [has] observed a marked increase of hyena attacks on American men. A hyena, as Dr. Leigh defines it, is analogous to a cougar (the two-legged variety) in terms of sexual aggression. But a hyena is a young woman who preys on young men for sex. The reason for the metaphor: Female spotted hyenas in the bush are more aggressive than their male counterparts. They engage in sexually explicit taunting and force subordinate males to perform oral sex."
Subordinate men. Forced oral sex. Taunting. Hyena attacks. A new sexual revolution has begun, ladies and gentlemen. And it is terrifying.
Maxim: "Be Her Sex Superhero"
"During good foreplay, "You’re never sure exactly what’s going to happen, and that’s incredibly hot."
And that’s where we’re going to leave it this month: in a state of aroused bewilderment. (Or is it bewildered arousal?) Stay tuned for the holidays, but if Cosmo gets to you before I do, keep the candy canes away from your love-stockings.
Commentarium (36 Comments)
Legitimate lol
French austerity measures:
#1. Sports bras
#2. Three-for-one cotton underwear
If my french wife spend 20% of her salary on lingerie, I would divorce her.
..... so.. a hyena is a 20 year old woman fucking an 18 year old boy? Or rather... teasing the hell out of him and making him give oral rather than get laid?????? or is it even YOUNGER?
Young woman, young man. Not young woman, youngER man.
I really adore this feature.
Huh, so my sexual "type" has a name now... couldn't it be something more complimentary than "hyena", though? They're kind of mangy and gross.
I, on the other hand, am neither mangy nor gross.
Word. Hyenas smell bad. I smell fabulous.
I would like to point out that female hyenas have penises, through which they are inseminated and give birth. (Birthing in this way /rips those penises apart./ ) I can only imagine someone trying to come up with a moniker for these young women picking hyena off a list of mammals, reading the first sentence about it's mating system and thinking: "Oh! Perfect! That's just like this!" Only to completely ignore the rest of the paragraph.
Wow... ok... if you actually paid any attention to those documentaries about female hyenas, you would have learned that female hyenas do NOT have a penis and they can NOT be inseminated that way. It is in fact, an oversized clitoris that they use to homosexually screw each other. That's all, no "female penis" here ROFL wow people are really stupid.
One of the weirdest things about 21st century America is how much we all know about animals we've never seen. Who, in a million years, would have thought that 1/4 of this piece's readers have something (weird and gross) to say about hyena penises?
this is BS, ive had french girlfriends and not all of them had lingerie, some of them did but it was not like they spent 20% of their income in lingerie.
the article about the botoxed vagina- she had a yeast infection go crazy, that made her vaginal muscles tight she couldn't relax them. She tried every..the botoxed helped it numbed it and know she can relax.
*now*
I didn't think fluff like Maxim could ever offend me, but that fucking "hyena" thing did it. So now ANY women who is a pursuant or aggressive is subject to your demeaning labels? Stay classy, boys. And when you whine about how girls never approach you, and never initiate sex, and never make the first move, don't come crying to me.
Hyena was Men's Health.
"that seems big, confident, and authoritative, just like the dude on the cover"
What's funny is their cover dude this month is Ashton Kutcher. And what's even funnier is he is referred to living the life in the social fishbowl. Sure the editors were red faced when Ashton had his Paterno-gaffe.
What nope said. What the fuck. Fuck that shit.
You mean "don't come crying to me UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO RIP YOUR ROTTING FLESH APART WITH MY MASSIVE FORELEGS."
My favorite additional facts:
French women were notorious for not shaving their privates or armpits for a good length of time in the past 50 years.
Also female Hyenas have an vaginal canal that appears similar to a penis and a clitoris that can be up to 5 or 6 inches long. So given that they are aggressive and appear to have a sexual organ that would generally be considered masculine the knowledgeable guys reading Men's Health must be at home having horrific images run though their heads.
"I mean, having some lacy lace to drape around the ol’ gumbo pot is obviously obviously important..."
Priceless!
I now have a new favorite euphemism for my vagina.
"gumbo pot' is not exactly an euphemism...
LMAO - Thank you so much for this much needed levity! -I wonder... has anyone ever met the people who write this drivel for Cosmo or Maxim?! I am having all kinds of wild and callous thoughts about what they might actually be like in person.
Women magazines need to get smarter or collapse.
I live in France. These "facts" about French women cited in cosmo have no correlation to real French women! Americans just use "French" as a signifier for anything sophisticated or desirable.
True.
The French should be flattered, really.
we also use it as signifier for unbearably self-important, unshaven, and smelly.
The trouble with American women is that they find it interesting to even read sex columns in Cosmo, Men's Health, Maxim or wherever. Then, they go online and rant about it. The trouble with American men is that they cheer them on when they do so. You're poking a dead dog with a stick, dammit. What's wrong with sending a sexy pic/text to your partner? Nothing, but you don't HAVE to take a photo of your hip. I'm assuming you do have some sort of imagination of your own? Or at least have some idea of what would turn your boyfriend on? The botoxing of your vagina is clearly PR and product placement (as is the case with most of the material in these magazines) - and it's not too cleverly disguised either. You're just helping the word spread. One - gigantic - facepalm.
@ they often retaliate to blogs/articles they disagree with -By a chorus of blogs engaging in penis size bashing,men are pigs or playing the :patriarchy" card.Its sad what alot of women have become.
I'm french. I apparently missed the memo that I am supposed to be a huge tease and spend a large portion of my money on lingerie. I, like most women my age in Canada, just go crazy when LaSenza has a 30 undies for 10 dollars sale. I must re-evaluate my life.
Wallpapers
I normally can't stand Cosmo, but I give them props on the "I Botoxed My Vagina" article. (Aside from the ridiculous title). It gives a lot of insight to a very real sex problem many women face (myself included) called vulvodynia. I'm glad Cosmo is raising awareness for it, because many women go misdiagnosed for years, there's not a whole lot of information about what causes it or how to treat it, and not to mention it's embarrassing as hell. And Botox is usually the most extreme method of treating it, by the way- yet again Cosmo capitalizing on extreme and ridiculous headlines, but for once it was very informative.
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