Not a member? Sign up now
November 30, 2010
Maxim
Now, just so the womenfolk don't feel totally dismayed, I'd like to point out that men also have a boatload of bad sex advice lobbed at them every month. This time, we turn to Maxim U.K. It's the same old claptrap — with slightly funnier slang!
On how to "get better blowjobs":
• "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob." British ladies also love chocolate.
On foreplay:
• "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this." (The editorial team at Cosmo would like to make the following statement: "Nuh uh.")
• "Ask her to get a Brazilian. But it's for her own good! Apparently with the mop removed, every sensation down there is heightened!" Mop!
• "Girls like explicit texts, too. So next time you're bored waiting in a queue for lunch, text her the rudest, naughtiest thing you can possibly think of and inform her of when exactly you plan to do it." Don't think too much about this one. Just do it.
• "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it." If she rubs your spit slowly down her cleavage, however, and then tears off her shirt, you have entered a full-blown masturbatory hallucination.
Men's Health
Men's Health, on the other hand, decided to differentiate themselves from the frat-pack at Maxim and establish what they truly are: a mature, gentlemanly magazine about manliness (and protein-berry shakes). They did that by writing shit like this:
• "When touch is set free from the ghetto of orgasm, the purposefulness of intercourse drifts through every cove of our connection."
• "[Love] requires the vigorous, independent, self-reliant love of two self-actualized individuals, not the needy codependent love of one mouse for another."
• "There has to be space between you across which a spark of hunger can arc."
But you can't teach an old dog new tricks. (You, you can, however, give him killer abs in, like, four minutes a week.) Soon the big words are left by the wayside for some dubious advice.
On sexy talk:
• "Though to ears deafened by political correctness, words like 'baby' and 'doll' sound condescending and sexist, to most women in relationships, they sound like love." Is that veracious, sugartits?
On honesty:
• "Make sure she knows how beautiful she is and how sexually skilled she is, especially if she isn't — sexually skilled, that is."
On sexy time:
• "A man's entitled to want everything he wants... if you've received news of a loved one's death within the last half hour or so or been treated disrespectfully by the petitioner within the last three or four hours, take a pass all you want. But not being 'in the mood' is death if you expect to keep a relationship warm and energetic... When we accept a person's promise of monogamy, we take on a duty. Come on, take one for the team."
You might be thinking, "Take one for the team" sounds like what your mother told you when you when you tried to skip out on Grandma's punch 'n carolling party last year. And you're probably right.
Commentarium (40 Comments)
I would never put sugar on something that would go into her vagina.
Mop! Ha!
unfortunately it's true about the mop. I don't care what sasha grey does, I am never going back to the bush.
I don't care what sasha grey does, I am never going back to the bush.
Are any of these writers for these magazines actually having sex? Wow.
Aahhh, the pube vs. no-pube discussion. On one hand, a lot of guys like [it] hairless or close to it; and on the other hand some women think it's a hidden, perverted pedophilic desire. All I know is that the women I have been with that had the brazilian, they never go back to hairy. They loved it as much as I did.
@Sarah.... Your comment presupposes there are actually current authors of these articles. I stopped my Men's Health subscription years ago when I realized one month that I was reading the exact verbatim articles that had been published 5 years prior. To prove it, I dug up the old magazine, and sure enough I found the exact same article by the same author, with the only change being the pictures. Cosmo, Maxim & Men's Health are notorious for doing this. A royalty fee is much cheaper than buying a new article. Keeps their costs down.
I rock the Brazilian. Amazing!! I think I love it more than my man does. Ladies, I highly recommend liberating yourselves from the bush.
Slowly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand?! Who came up with that one, Manny Ray? [in Scarface]
Nope, I have two young daughters, I am a woman and I have no desire to look like them -a child. I'm happy with my hair down there, as is my husband, and our sex life -now the child-making years are over- is better than ever.
I love my bush. When there's no hair down there I get painfully sensitive. Yes, there is a threshold for pleasure.
The whole "waxing makes me look like a child" thing is so done. So does shaving your legs and your underarms. But no one seems to think that's a sign of impending pedo-action. Or is that next? As my boyfriend said to me recently: "You're a 45-year-old woman with big tits and a gorgeous ass. Whether or not you have pubic hair, no one is going to mistake you for a 10-year-old."
this column shows why americans are so sexually frustrated, we are not equipped for being happy sexually by these magazines, and once we've start reading them we never stop because we think these magazines are the way to have a healthy and active sex life. in reality, they're pulling a blindfold over our eyes, not to tease us to orgasm, but to pad their yearly profit margins. So good job Nerve for smartly and funnily mocking these publications that further the sexual status quo and dictate the language and behavior of sex!
"Soak a washcloth in warm water and gently run it from his belly button to where his pubic hair starts." How can you tell? My boyfriend only has about 1/8 of an inch of real estate with no hair between that area, and I think it is a scar. I am embarrassed for people who I see read this shit in public. On an unrelated note, my mom told me that I wasn't old enough for Seventeen magazine for years before my seventeenth birthday. When I finally turned seventeen and asked her if I could get it, she told me I was too old to buy into that garbage. I hated her for it then but love her dearly for it now.
Speaking from actual experience, Nutella + blowjob = bad idea.
Any guy that says he likes bushy nethers is only saying that because he is trying to maintain the status quo and continue having sex. Wives, even though your husband says he likes your Dianna Ross impersonation, he's lying and would LOVE it if you shaved it all off. He just doesn't want to say it because it's essentially a "Do these pants make me look fat?" situation and you've entrapped him.
Don't believe me? Here's how the conversation plays out:
Her: Do you think I'm too hairy down there?
Him: Why do you ask? I've never taken notice (a lie)
Her: I don't know. Do you think I am?
Him: It could stand some manicuring or a wax.
Her: What do you mean? You don't like it? Are you disgusted by my hairy bush?
Him: That's not what I said!
Her: What, do you want me to look like some bar-hopping 19-yr old slut? (yes he does)
Him: Of course not.
Her: Well, don't worry about it, because you won't have to suffer through seeing it for a long time.
Him: Oh, come on, honey!
Here's another thing husbands won't tell you: Every guy wants his spouse/partner to act or do something dirty and almost slutty. Think about it. If you've been married for a while, chances are the spice isn't quite what it used to be. You're husband secretly wishes you would do something like surprise him with a shaved pussy or some super slutty lingerie, no matter how classy or sophisticated you really are. However, for the most part, guys can't tell you that because the desire for conflict avoidance is greater than anything else. Status Quo.
Hmmm...A few comments, if I may:
1. If you don't use sex to punish your partner for speaking up, you stand a much better chance of getting an honest answer;
2. I like hair, so you have no business speaking for me. Please don't attempt it;
3. If you both can speak honestly, there is no conflict. If you can't speak honestly, you both need to confront the problem and deal with it.
Any guy that says he likes bushy nethers is only saying that because he is trying to maintain the status quo and continue having sex. Wives, even though your husband says he likes your Dianna Ross impersonation, he's lying and would LOVE it if you shaved it all off. He just doesn't want to say it because it's essentially a "Do these pants make me look fat?" situation and you've entrapped him.
Don't believe me? Here's how the conversation plays out:
Her: Do you think I'm too hairy down there?
Him: Why do you ask? I've never taken notice (a lie)
Her: I don't know. Do you think I am?
Him: It could stand some manicuring or a wax.
Her: What do you mean? You don't like it? Are you disgusted by my hairy bush?
Him: That's not what I said!
Her: What, do you want me to look like some bar-hopping 19-yr old slut? (yes he does)
Him: Of course not.
Her: Well, don't worry about it, because you won't have to suffer through seeing it for a long time.
Him: Oh, come on, honey!
Here's another thing husbands won't tell you: Every guy wants his spouse/partner to act or do something dirty and almost slutty. Think about it. If you've been married for a while, chances are the spice isn't quite what it used to be. You're husband secretly wishes you would do something like surprise him with a shaved pussy or some super slutty lingerie, no matter how classy or sophisticated you really are. However, for the most part, guys can't tell you that because the desire for conflict avoidance is greater than anything else. Status Quo.
It takes two to spice. A shaved cooter doesn't fix a husband who is bad in bed.
dear men: before asking your ladies to "take it all off," please suffer through a full wax yourself. (hint: this will be expensive, embarrassing, and painful. enjoy!)
If a man licked the palm of my hand, I don't give a damn if he is JON HAMM, IN PUBLIC, I would be beyond mortified and grossed out.
also @hairless lover : Blanket statements, yay! Because every guy totally goes after bar hopping 19 year old sluts with hairless pussies. That's why there are websites for porn devoted to full bushes. Because NO MAN could possibly like it. Do you write for a lad mag too?
Selfish pig headed men want a woman to endure the pain and expense of waxing when they don't even spend five seconds grooming themselves! Men, shave all body hair off for a year. Keep it up and then you have the right to ask that of someone.
Dear nerve
Thankyou for giving me the opportunity to cackle hysterically over my keyboard, you have truly gifted critics.
"Cosmo would like to make the following statement: Nuh uh."
I think it doesnt really matter wether your shaved or not , or whether men are pigs are not, one key to a good sex life (and a good relationship in general) is COMMUNICATION! if your man is bad in bed, give him a hint. dont go all "your doing it wrong!" give a gentle hint like "more to the left". and on the other hand, if you want to try something with your lady, TALK TO HER ABOUT IT! i understand things like threesomes tend to be taboo in a relationship and thats understandable, but dont be shy about what you like during sex.
Who writes this? A horny guido?
Brilliant!
I like my pubes! When touched softly they send shivers of pleasure through my vulva and vagina. The one time I waxed it all of, I got ugly bumps, it itched, and felt a little numb for a while. So glad I came of age in a non-wax time. I feel sorry for the young ladies these days. Also, my man was sort of grossed out by the bald-pussy thing.
What an arbitrary thing to argue over. You either want a shaved vagina, or not, or only sometimes. Some guys like it always, some never, some only sometimes. Me? I like spicing it up. Sometimes bushy, sometimes trimmed, sometimes shaved. My husband does the same. It's just hair. If you are sleeping with someone who is repulsed by your vagina at any stage, and that bothers you, maybe the relationship is no good for anyone. It is your vagina. Do with it what you please. Guys, if you are that perturbed by pubic hair, let your lady know. If she doesn't want to shave it, then figure out how much it bothers you. At the end of the day, who gives a shit?
@ hairless lover
I'm with Dee. You sound like you write for a crappy girl/lad mag yourself. You do all the usual tricks, including the "here's what men won't tell you" bullshit. Because an individual straight man can TOTALLY speak authoritatively about the sexual desires of ALL OTHER straight men. If you don't have sex with men yourself, don't try to tell me what they like. (They're all different, btw.) Oh wait, but they would never tell me, would they, because I'm a woman. Newsflash: Some men are actually capable of acting like adults and communicating with their partners about what turns them on. Sucks for you that you're not one of them.
Oh yeah, and plenty of women are also capable of HEARING their partner's sexual needs without getting bent out of shape, even if some of them are unexpected. And get this, some women are JUST AS INTO doing "something dirty" as men are into them doing it, if not more. Yes it's true, not all women want to have sex like repressed Victorian housewives. Some women like being freaky for themselves, not just so they can please self-centered, immature men.
I know this is a lot to process but give it some time.
I remeber when I was younger (much, much younger and naive) and I used to read Cosmo. I always thought that it was insane how many articles they could write about the same crap.
If experience has taught me anything at all, is that you don't have to have circus training to be good in the sack. There are moves in those magazines that instead of getting you off, will put you right in the Hospital... And then there's the embarrassment of having to explain it all to the doctor and nurse.
As for pubes, I like to keep it interesting. One day I'll shave it all off and go all pre-puberty for a month and then I'll let it grow out just a teensy bit. No bush, though.
I like bush on my women. Not like a ton, but a little bit is super sexy. Also, waxing is not only for women.
Okay, I manscape. I don't go whole-hog or anything. I keep it trimmed to a quarter inch, shave my sack and keep a clean rod all the way to the base. My girlfriend says that the difference visually is astounding. When I was all-natural she said that my seven inches looked like seven inches. Trimmed up? She says it looks like nine.
On women I prefer shaved/wax or a landing strip. I love oral sex as foreplay so I spend a lot of time having dinner at the Y. If you've got a hedgerow that can stop an allied advance you can be pretty sure my dinnertime will become snack time. I decided to trim myself for this very reason.
As far as Cosmo's sex tips? They make half that stuff up. Probably more. Like Harrison Ford said, "You know how a woman turns a man on? She shows up."
As a 16 yearold, vaguely virginal(twice), male. I would like to say that trying to find out what to do is extremely confusing (as Im sure it always has been) but getting we're getting yelled sex advice (usually contradictory) everywhere we go. It makes an impression, and also actually having sex particularly difficult when your suddenly worrying about who was right, and if your left fucking leg is at the right angle or if you should refuse the microwaved socks your girlfriend is throwing at you (who knows, are they wool?) it gets discouraging. Maxim tells me this, Cosmo tells me that, Nerve tells me this, etc etc. Oh growing up...
Jacob, nobody's right, and everybody's right. There's no formula; there's only what's right for you and the person you're with. It has to work for both of you.
It does get easier with practice. :)
My favorite thing about these magazines: all of the advice in the women's publication is about how to please a man. All of the advice in the men's publication is about how to please... a man. Fantastic. Is it because women don't experience pleasure? Or they don't deserve it? Thanks, Cosmo and Maxim.
Well, I wax my bikini line, and last year I did the full Brazilian ... and my lover's reaction? I loved the look on his face when he first saw me naked! However, then he kept telling me he missed my hair; he likes some hair; and finally, that a completely bare pussy is a little creepy?! Whereas I like it bare, the best - my bare lips are so sensitive and sensual! My love, however, is emphatic that he doesn't want me to remove all my hair any more...
Well put Lady Tenar!! That guy's probably some chump at home with his computer anyway. I don't know any women who'd put up with a boy who thought like that, hair issues aside. I HATE waxing and shaving. Keep it trim and nice, and who cares? And every lover I've had over the years has liked my hair. It's soft. It's pretty. It doesn't scratch you on week two. And no ugly bumps or ingrown hairs.
Speaking of, I read an article on how there are now "vagacials" for your vagina to try and remedy the damage years of waxing and shaving does to the skin down there. Um, can we not have this be part of life?? Getting deep-skin treatments, masks, etc. on our vaginas?! Ugh.
@Hairless Loser: Also, if the "desire for conflict avoidance" is that much of an issue, grow a pair or piss off.
My hubby loves just a bit of hair down their. But he would never like me to shave or wax. To him its strictly forbidden. I can only clip as short as it can get without cutting myself. He's not into that bald pussy crap! And whenever it starts to grow too long, he'll let me know by asking, "Maybe its time to cut it a little, yea?" And I dont get offended. BONUS: He'll even offer to do it for me himself...leaving me anxious till that last snip and off to bed it is! ;)
This is perhaps going off topic (or perhaps back on) but when they suggest that he "drizzles your chest with a warm liquid... " I can't help but worry that it would be the aforementioned drool.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com
So I'm late to the party and all, but how is it that there's all this discussion about pubes and nobody said anything about the horrific "entitled to sex" suggestion? It boggles the mind.
Though on the hairless discussion, to quote Chuck Palahniuk: "She’s shaved. Tanned and oiled so smooth and perfect, she looks less like a woman than just another place to swipe your credit card."